by Monty Python
(Cut to Mr A and Mrs B watching with the general.)
General: I hope to God it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.
(After a pause, the cat gets up and walks into the house. Mr A and Mrs B are overcome with joy.)
Mrs B: I can't believe it.
Mr A: Neither can I. It's just like the old days.
Mrs B: Then he's cured. Oh thank you, general.
Mr A: What can we ever do to repay you?
General: No need to, sir. It's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Cat.
(Picture freezes and over still of general's face are superimposed the words 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'. Dramatic music. The words start to roll, like ordinary credits but read.')
CONFUSE-A-CAT LIMITED
INCORPORATING
AMAZE-A-VOLE LTD
STUN-A-STOAT LTD
PUZZLE-A-PUMA LTD
STARTLE-A-THOMPSON'S GAZELLE LTD
BEWILDEREBEEST INC
DISTRACT-A-BEE
* * *
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The Smuggler
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
* * *
The cast:
OFFICER
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
VICAR
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene : A Customs hall.)
Officer: Have you read this, sir? (holds up notice)
Man: No! Oh, yes, yes - yes.
Officer: Anything to declare?
Man: Yes ... no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase no...
Officer: No watches, cameras, radio sets?
Man: Oh yes ... four watches ... no, no, no. No. One... one watch...No, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.
Officer: Which country have you been visiting, sir?
Man: Switzerland ... er ... no ... no ... not Switzerland ... er ... not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland... oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?
Officer: Spain?
Man: Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.
Officer: The label says 'Zurich', sir.
Man: Yes well ... it was Spain then.
Officer: Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.
Man: Switzerland, yes mm ... mm ... yes.
Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.
Man: Oh, nice shed you've got here.
Officer: Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?
Man: No... just the watches... er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency... I've kept a watch of the currency, and l've watched it and I haven't got any.
Officer: That come out a bit glib didn't it? (an alarm clock goes off inside his case; the Man thumps it, unsuccessfully) Have you got an alarm clock in there, sir?
Man: No, no, heavens no, no... just vests. (he thumps the case and the alarm stops)
Officer: Sounded a bit like an alarm going off.
Man: Well it can't have been... it must be a vest, er, going off.
Officer: Going Off
(Clocks start ticking and chiming in the case. The man desperately thumps the case.) the case.
Man: All right, I confess, I'm a smuggler ... This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.
Officer: I don't believe you, sir.
Man: It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.
Officer: Don't give me that, sir ... you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.
Man: What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it - I've smuggled it.
Officer: Now come along please, you're wasting our time... move along please.
Man: Look! (he opens his case to reveal it stuffed full of watches and clocks) Look - look at this.
Officer: Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.
Man: What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.
Officer: People do, now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.
Man: (shouting) I am a real smuggler. I'm a smuggler! Don't you understand, I'm a smuggler, a lawbreaker... a smuggler. (he is removed struggling)
(A vicar is next.)
Vicar: Poor fellow. I think he needs help.
Officer: Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.
(Cut to chairman of discussion group.)
* * *
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A Duck, a cat and a lizard (discussion) /
Vox pops on suggling
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
* * *
The cast:
CHAIRMAN
Terry Jones
FRENCH AU PAIR
Carol Cleveland
MAN ON ROOF
Terry Jones
MAN IN STREET
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PEPPERPOT
Eric Idle
WOMAN
Carol Cleveland
YOUNG MAN
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene a chairman of discussion group.)
Chairman: Well to discuss the implications of that sketch and to consider the moral problems raised by the law-enforcement methods involved we have a duck, a cat and a lizard. Now first of all I'd like to put this question to you please, lizard. How effective do you consider the legal weapons employed by legal customs officers, nowadays? (shot of lizard; silence) Well while you're thinking about that, I'd like to bring the duck in here, and ask her, if possible, to clarify the whole question of currency restrictions, and customs regulations in the world today. (shot of duck; silence) Perhaps the cat would rather answer that? (shot of cat; silence) No? Lizard? (shot of lizard again and then back) No. Well, er, let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.
(Cut to film: vox pops.)
French Au Pair: I am not a man you silly billy.
Man on Roof: I'm not in the street you fairy.
Man in Street: Well, er, speaking as a man in the street... (a car runs him over) Wagh!
Man: What was the question again?
Voice Over: Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? (no answer) Oh never mind.
Pepperpot: Well I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes.
Man: (getting up from a deck chair and screaming with indignation and rage: he has a knotted handkerchief on his head and his trousers are rolled up to the knees) Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country. I mean, er, blimey, blimey if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're 'ere, why should we allow them back, er, at the tax-payers' expense? I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels do I? I mean well perhaps I do one or two but there's no law against that, is there? It's a free country. (enter a knight in amour) I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit? I mean, I'm no racialist. I, oh, oh...
( The knight is carrying a raw chicken. The man apprehensively covers his head and the knight slams him in the stomach with the chicken.)
Woman: I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.
Chairman: Why?
Woman: I mean they should have asked Margaret Drabble.
Young Man: (very reasonably) Well I think, er, customs people are quite necessary, and I think they
're doing quite a good job really. Check.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Police Raid /
Letter and vox pops
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
* * *
The cast:
YOUNG MAN
Eric Idle
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
FEMALE VOICE OVER
Carol Cleveland
MALE VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PEPPERPOT
Eric Idle
FEMALE JOURNALIST
Terry Jones
BOXER
Eric Idle
SCOTSMAN
Michael Palin
STOCKBROKER
John Cleese
BOY
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(We a young man playing chess with another young man. They are in an ordinary flat. Them is a tremendous battering, banging, hammering and clattering at the door.)
Young Man: Door's open.
Policeman: Oh. Yes. (he enters) All right. All right, all fight, all right. My name's Police Constable Henry Thatcher, and this is a raid. I have reason to believe that there are certain substances on the premises.
Young Man: Well what sort of substances, officer?
Policeman: Er... certain substances.
Young Man: Well, what sort of certain substances?
Policeman: Er, certain substances of an illicit nature.
Young Man: Er, could you be more specific?
Policeman: I beg your pardon?
Young Man: Could you be 'clearer'.
Policeman: Oh, oh ... yes, er ... certain substances on the premises. To be removed for clinical tests.
Young Man: Have you got anything particular in mind?
Policeman: Well what have you got?
Young Man: Nothing, officer.
Policeman: You are Sandy Camp the actor?
Young Man: Yes.
Policeman: I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie.
Young Man: What are you after ... ?
Policeman: (pulling a brown paper package from out of his pocket, very badly and obviously) Oo! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Here is a brown paper bag I have found on the premises. I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical examination.
Young Man: Wait a minute. You just got that out of your pocket.
Policeman: What?
Young Man: (takes it) Well what's in it anyway? (opens it) Sandwiches.
Policeman: Sandwiches? Blimey. Whatever did I give the wife?
(Cut to viewer's letter in handwriting, read in voice over.)
Female VO: Dear BBC, East Grinstead, Friday. I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch. My husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is fifty. For how long are we to put up with these things. Yours sincerely, E. B. Debenham (Mrs).
(Cut to another letter.)
Male VO: Dear Freddy Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey. As a prolific letter-writer, I feel I must protest about the previous letter. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated ...Dunkirk... dark days of the war... backs to the wall... Alvar Liddell ... Berlin air lift ... moral upheaval of Profumo case ... young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing. Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs).
(Cut to vox pops film.)
Pepperpot: Well I think they should attack things, like that - with satire. I mean Ned Sherrin. Fair's fair. I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.
Female Journalist: Well I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes which permit the establishment to survive and keep the mores of the whole country back where they were in the nineteenth century and the ghastly days of the pre-sexual revolution.
(A boxer runs up and knocks her out.)
Scotsman: Well that's, er, very interesting, because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood.
Stockbroker: Well I think they should attack the lower classes, er, first with bombs, and rockets destroying their homes, and then when they run helpless into the streets, er, mowing them down with machine guns. Er, and then of course releasing the vultures. I know these views aren't popular, but I have never courted popularity.
(A boy scout on his knees. Next to him is a scout master, seen only from the knees down.)
Boy: I think there should be more race prejudice.
(He is nudged.)
Voice: Less.
Boy: Less race prejudice.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
News reader arrested / Erotic film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 5
* * *
The cast:
News reader
Eric Idle
OTHER news reader
John Cleese
DORA
Carol Cleveland
BEVIS
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene : A news studio with a large screen behind news reader.)
News reader: (ERIC) ... and several butchers' aprons. In Fulham this morning a jeweller's shop was broken into and jewellery to the value of £2,000 stolen. Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview. (on the screen behind, him, there appears an identical picture of him, sitting at his news reader desk) The man is in his late twenties wearing a grey suit, a white shirt and a floral tie. (on the screen behind, police come in and remove the news reader) Will anyone who sees this man or can give any information about his whereabouts contact their nearest police station. (he is handed a piece of paper) Ah! Oh. We've just heard that police have detained the man they wished to interview in connection with the jewel robbery. Ah, but after questioning police have ruled him out of their enquiries and released him. (the other news reader appears back on the screen and sits down) Sport. (he is handed another piece of paper) Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a news reader in the central London area. Ah, police are concentrating their enquiries on the British Broadcasting Corp ... (a policeman coma in, and removes news reader in the foreground) Excuse me a minute...
(The news reader on the screen behind continues.)
Other news reader: We understand a man is now helping police with their enquiries. And that is the end of the news. (he clips a piece of jewellery on to his ear) And now, 'Match of the Day'.
('Match of the Day' music. We see a couple. Thq are standing at the foot of a largish bed. She is in bra and pants. He is in Y-fronts. They kiss ecstaticaly. After a few seconds there is the sound of a car drawing up. The crunch of footsteps on gravel and the sound of a door opening. The news reader comes into shot.)
News reader: Ah, I, Um terribly sorry it's not in fact 'Match of the Day'-, it is in fact edited highlights of tonight's romantic movie. Er. Sorry. (he goes out of shot; the two clinch again; after a second he pops back into shot) Ooh, I'm sorry, on BBC2 Joan Bakewell will be talking to Michael Dean about what makes exciting television. (pops out of shot, then pops in again) Ah, sorry about all that. And now back to the movie. (he goes)
(The couple continue to neck.)
Dora: (smoking) Oh, oh, oh Bevis, should we?
Bevis: Oh Dora. Why not?
Dora: Be gentle with me.
(Cut to film montage.' collapsing factory chimney in reverse motion; pan up tall soaring poplars in the wind; waves crashing; fish in shallow water fountains; exploding fireworks; volcano erupting with lava; rocket taking off, express train going into a tunnel; dam bursting; battleship broadside; lion leaping through flaming hoop; Richard Nixon smiling; milking a cow; planes re-fuelling in mid-air; Women's Institute applauding; tossing the caber; plane f
alling in flames; tree crashing to the ground; the lead shot tower collapsing (normal motion). Cut back to the girl in bed.)
Dora: Oh Bevis, are you going to do anything or are you just going to show me films all evening?
(We see Bevis, with small projector.)
Bevis: Just one more, dear.
Dora: Oh.
(He starts it. A two-minute extravaganza constructed by Mr Terry Gilliam.)
