Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 15
Charles: Yes. So these blancmanges, blancmange-shaped creatures come from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda. They order 48,000,000 kilts from a Scottish menswear shop ... turn the population of England into Scotsmen (well known as the worst tennis-playing nation on Earth) thus leaving England empty during Wimbledon fortnight! Empty during Wimbledon fortnight ... what's more the papers are full of reports of blancmanges appearing on tennis courts up and down the country - practising. This can only mean one thing!
(Flash up caption quickly:)
Voice Over: and caption on sceeen : 'THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLEDON'
Charles: They mean to win Wimbledon. Jarring chord.
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Blancmanges playing Tennis
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 7
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The cast:
COMMENTATOR
Eric Idle
CHARLES
Graham Chapman
AMERICAN VOICE
John Cleese
MR. BRAINSAMPLE
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
Please note that this sketch is a follow on from the Man Turns into Scotsman Sketch
Sketch
(Cut to commentator in his box at Wimbledon.)
Commentator: Well, here at Wimbledon, it's been a most extraordinary week's tennis. The blancmanges have swept the board, winning match after match. Here are just a few of the results: Billie-Jean King eaten in straight sets, Laver smothered whole after winning the first set, and Poncho Gonzales, serving as well as I've never seen him, with some superb volleys and decisive return volleys off the back hand, was sucked through the net at match point and swallowed whole in just under two minutes. And so, here on the final day, there seems to be no players left to challenge the blancmanges. And this could be their undoing, Dan: as the rules of Wimbledon state quite clearly that there must be at least one human being concerned in the final. (we see a three-foot- high blancmange being shepherded onto a tennis court by a Scotsman) Well the blancmange is coming out onto the pitch now, and (suddenly exalted) there is a human with it It's Angus Podgorny! The plucky little Scottish tailor ... upon whom everything depends. And so it's Podgorny versus blancmange in this first ever Intergalactic Wimbledon!
(Cut to the centre court at Wimbledon or fi we can't get it, number one will do. Blancmange and Podgorny on opposite sides net. Another blancmange sitting in umpire's chair. Blancmange serves... a real sizzling ace. Podgorny, who in any case is quivering with fear, doesn 't see it.)
Commentator's Voice: And it's blancmange to serve and it's a good one.
Blancmange Umpire: Blurb blurble blurb.
Voice Over: Fifteen love.
(Blancmange serves again, and again Podgorny misses hopelessly and pathetically. Collage of speeded-up versions of blancmange sewing and Podgorny missing. Cut to scoreboard:
BLANCMANGE.' 4O
PODGORNY: O
Cut back to the court. Podgorny is serving and each time he fails to hit the ball altogether.)
Commentator's Voice: And Podgorny fails to even hit the ball ... but this is no surprise as he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match. So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now... Podgorny prepares to serve again.
(Podgorny fails to serve and we see the scoreboard:)
BLANCMANGE: 6 6 5 40
PODGORNY: 0 0
Commentator's Voice: This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan.
(Just as Podgorny is about to serve we see Mr and Mrs Brainsample jump onto the court brandishing forks and spoons and with napkins tucked into their necks.)
Commentator's Voice: But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks... what are they going to do?
(Cut to laboratory.)
Charles: They mean to eat the blancmange.
(The girl pulls herself up from where she was slumped by microscope. He knocks her out again with a sand-filled sock. Cut back to Wimbledon. Mr and Mrs Brainsample chasing blancmange and eating it.)
Commentator's Voice: And they're eating the blancmange ... Yes! The blancmange is leaving the court... it's abandoning the game! This is fantastic!
(Cut to Mr and Mrs Brainsample covered in bits of blancmange and licking their fingers.)
American Voice: Yes it was Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample, who, after only a brief and misleadling appearance in the early part of the film, returned to save the Earth ... but why?
Mr Brainsample: Oh, well you see we love blancmanges. My wife makes them.
American Voice: She makes blancmanages that size?
Mr Brainsample: Oh, yes. You see we're from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, and they're all that size there. We tried to tell you at the beginning of the film but you just panned off us.
(Cut back to Podgorny on court still trying to serve; at last he makes contact and runs backward and forward to receive his own services.)
American Voice: So the world was saved! And Angus Podgomy became the first Scotsman to win Wimbledon... fifteen years later.
(Caption on screen : 'YOU'RE NO FUN ANYMORE')
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Army Protection Racket
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
COLONEL
Graham Chapman
WATKINS
Eric Idle
SERGEANT
John Cleese
DINO
Terry Jones
LUIGI
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Stock film of the amy. Tanks rolling, troops moving forward etc. Stirring military music.)
Voice Over: In 1943, a group of British Army Officers working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as maybe. And now . . .
(Superimposed Caption on Screen : 'AND NOW . . . UNOCCUPIED BRITAIN I970'
Cut to colonel's office. Colonel is seated at desk.)
Colonel: Come in, what do you want?
(Private Watkins enters and salutes.)
Watkins: I'd like to leave the army please, sir.
Colonel: Good heavens man, why?
Watkins: It's dangerous.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: There are people with guns out there, sir.
Colonel: What?
Watkins: Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.
Colonel: Watkins, they are on our side.
Watkins: And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Colonel: Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
Watkins: I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.
Colonel: That's true.
Watkins: Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war somebody could be hurt.
Colonel: Watkins why did you join the army?
Watkins: For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.
Colonel: Watkins are you a pacifist?
Watkins: No sir, l'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.
Colonel: That's a very silly line. Sit down.
Watkins: Yes sir. Silly, sir. (sits in corner)
Colonel: Awfully bad.
(Knock at the door, sergeant enters, and salutes.)
Sergeant: Two civilian gentlemen to see you ... sir!
Colonel: Show them in please, sergeant.
Sergeant: Mr Dino Vercotti and Mr Luigi Vercotti.
(The Vercotti brothers ent
er. They wear Mafia suits and dark glasses.)
Dino: Good morning, Colonel.
Colonel: Good morning gentlemen. Now what can I do for you.
Luigi: (looking round office casually) You've ... you've got a nice army base here, Colonel.
Colonel: Yes.
Luigi: We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.
Colonel: What?
Dino: No, what my brother means is it would be a shame if... (he knocks something off mantel)
Colonel: Oh.
Dino: Oh sorry, Colonel.
Colonel: Well don't worry about that. But please do sit down.
Luigi: No, we prefer to stand, thank you, Colonel.
Colonel: All right. All right. But what do you want?
Dino: What do we want, ha ha ha.
Luigi: Ha ha ha, very good, Colonel.
Dino: The Colonel's a joker, Luigi.
Luigi: Explain it to the Colonel, Dino.
Dino: How many tanks you got, Colonel?
Colonel: About five hundred altogether.
Luigi: Five hundred! Hey!
Dino: You ought to be careful, colonel.
Colonel: We arc careful, extremely careful.
Dino: 'Cos things break, don't they?
Colonel: Break?
Luigi: Well everything breaks, don't it colonel. (he breaks something on desk) Oh dear.
Dino: Oh see my brother's clumsy Colonel, and when he gets unhappy he breaks things. Like say, he don't feel the army's playing fair by him, he may start breaking things, Colonel.
Colonel: What is all this about?
Luigi: How many men you got here, Colonel?
Colonel: Oh, er ... seven thousand infantry, six hundred artillery, and er, two divisions of paratroops.
Luigi: Paratroops, Dino.
Dino: Be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.
Colonel: Set fire to them?
Luigi: Fires happen, Colonel.
Dino: Things burn.
Colonel: Look, what is all this about?
Dino: My brother and I have got a little proposition for you Colonel.
Luigi: Could save you a lot of bother.
Dino: I mean you're doing all right here aren't you, Colonel.
Luigi: Well suppose some of your tanks was to get broken and troops started getting lost, er, fights started breaking out during general inspection, like.
Dino: It wouldn't be good for business would it, Colonel?
Colonel: Are you threatening me?
Dino: Oh, no, no, no.
Luigi: Whatever made you think that, Colonel?
Dino: The Colonel doesn't think we're nice people, Luigi.
Luigi: We're your buddies, Colonel.
Dino: We want to look after you.
Colonel: Look after me?
Luigi: We can guarantee you that not a single armoured division will get done over for fifteen bob a week.
Colonel: No, no, no.
Luigi: Twelve and six.
Colonel: No, no, no.
Luigi: Eight and six ... five bob...
Colonel: No, no this is silly.
Dino: What's silly?
Colonel: No, the whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet. So I'm stopping it.
Dino: You can't do that!
Colonel: I've done it. The sketch is over.
Watkins: I want to leave the army please sir, it's dangerous.
Colonel: Look, I stopped your sketch five minutes ago. So get out of shot. Right director! Close up. Zoom in on me. (camera zooms in) That's better.
Luigi: (off screen) It's only 'cos you couldn't think of a punch line.
Colonel: Not true, not true. It's time for the cartoon. Cue telecine, ten, nine, eight...
(Cut to telecine countdown.)
Dino: (off screen) The general public's not going to understand 'this, are they?
Colonel: (off screen) Shut up you eyeties!
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Art Critic
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
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The cast:
ART CRITIC
Michael Palin
GIRL
Katya Wytech
VOICE OVER
Terry Gillam
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The sketch:
(We see an art critic examining a nude painting. Caption on screen: 'AN ART CRITIC' He sees the camera and starts talking guiltily.)
Art Critic: Good evening. I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed ... um ... in the history of my bed ... of art, of art, I'm sorry. The place of the nude in the history of tart... call-girl... I'm sorry. I'll start again... Bum ... oh what a giveaway. The place of the nude in art. (a seductively dressed girl enters slinkily) Oh hello there father, er confessor, professor, your honour, your grace ...
Girl: (cutely) I'm not your Grace, I'm your Elsie.
Art Critic: What a terrible joke!
Girl: (crying) But it's my only line!
(Cut to an idyllic countryside. Birds sing etc. as the camera starts a lyrical pan across the fields.)
Voice Over: and superimposed caption: 'BUT THERE LET US LEAVE THE ART CRITIC TO STRANGLE HIS WIFE AND MOVE ON TO PASTURES NEW'
(After about ten seconds of mood setting the camera suddenly comes across the art critic strangling his wife in middle foreground. As the camera passes him he hums nervously and tries to look as though he isn't strangling anybody. The camera doesn't stop panning, and just as it goes off him we see him start strangling again.)
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Buying a Bed
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
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The cast:
HUSBAND
Terry Jones
WIFE
Carol Cleveland
MR. LAMBERT
Graham Chapman
MR. VERITY
Eric Idle
MANAGER
John Cleese
ASSISTANT
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
Husband: Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert: Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Wife: Thank you.
Mr Lambert: Mr Verity!
Mr Verity: Can I help you, sir?
Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.
Mr Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.
Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Mr Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
Husband: I see.
Mr Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
Mr Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
Mr Verity: It's sixty feet wide.
Husband: Yes...
Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!
Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
Wife: (whispers) Oh.
Husband: ...and the length?
Mr Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?
Mr Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
Husband: Two foot long?
Mr Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
Mr Verity: But it does mean th
at when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?
Husband: Yes, I see.
Mr Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.
Husband: How much is that?
Mr Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
Mr Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?
Mr Lambert: Dog kennels?
Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
Mr Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
Lambert: (irritated) Yes, second floor.
Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that...
Mr Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.
(Lambert puts bucket on his head) Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Mr Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
Husband: Well, yes, er...
Mr Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Mr Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
Husband: But I mean, er...
Mr Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
Husband: Oh.
Mr Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.