by Monty Python
Husband: Oh.
Mr Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Manager: (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Husband: Yes, I did.
(Manager gives nasty look at Husband)
Mr Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green... (Manager joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...
(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing; Manager leaves.)
Mr Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!
Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
Lambert: (irritated) Yes, pets department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
Mr Lambert: Mattresses?
Husband: (relieved) Yes.
Mr Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?
Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Mr Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)
Mr Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (stands in box and sings) And did those feet...
Manager: (to Husband) We *did* ask!
(Manager & Mr Verity sing together) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...
(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)
Assistant: (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?
(Manager points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)
Mr Verity: *Twice*!
Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*! (joins in the singing)
(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)
Mr Verity: It's not working, we need more!
(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing)
Mr Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!
(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants all groan and glare accusingly at wife)
Wife: But it's my only line!!!
Note: In the television version it was a paper bag, on the record it was a bucket (better sound effects?)
* * *
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Hermits
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
* * *
The cast:
FIRST HERMIT
Michael Palin
SECOND HERMIT
Eric Idle
THIRD HERMIT
Graham Chapman
FOURTH HERMIT
John Cleese
FIFTH HERMIT
Terry Jones
COLONEL
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to two hermits on a hillside.)
First Hermit: Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?
Second Hermit Yes that's right. Are you a hermit?
First Hermit: Yes, I certainly am.
Second Hermit Well I never. What are you getting away from?
First Hermit: Oh you 'know, the usual - people, chat, gossip, you know.
Second Hermit: Oh I certainly do - it was the same with me. I mean there comes a time when you realize there's no good frittering your life away in idleness and trivial chit-chat. Where's your cave?
First Hermit: Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.
Second Hermit Oh they're very nice up there aren't they?
First Hermit: Yes they are, I've got a beauty.
Second Hermit: A bit draughty though, aren't they?
First Hermit: No, we've had ours insulated.
Second Hermit: Oh yes.
First Hermit: Yes, I used birds' nests, moss and oak leaves round the outside.
Second Hermit: Oh, sounds marvellous.
First Hermit: Oh it's a treat, it really is, 'cos otherwise those stone caves can be so grim.
Second Hermit: Yes they really can be, can't they? They really can.
First Hermit: Oh yes.
(Third hermit passes by.)
Third Hermit: Morning Frank.
Second Hermit: Morning Norman. Talking of moss, er you know Mr Robinson?
First Hermit: With the, er, green loin cloth?
Second Hermit: Er no, that's Mr Seagrave. Mr Robinson's the hermit who lodges with Mr Seagrave.
First Hermit: Oh I see, yes.
Second Hermit: Yes well he's put me onto wattles.
First Hermit: Really?
Second Hermit: Yes. Swears by them. Yes.
(Fourth hermit passes)
Fourth Hermit: Morning Frank.
Second Hermit: Morning Lionel. Well he says that moss tends to fall off the cave walls during cold weather. You know you might get a really bad spell and half the moss drops off the cave wall, leaving you cold.
First Hermit: Oh well, Mr Robinson's cave's never been exactly nirvana has it?
Second Hermit: Well, quite, that's what I mean. Anyway, Mr Rogers, he's the, er, hermit...
First Hermit: ... on the end.
Second Hermit: . .. up at the top, yes. Well he tried wattles and he came out in a rash.
First Hemit: Really?
Second Hermit: Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled, I mean what'll I do?
First Hermit: Well why don't you try birds' nests like I've done? Or else, dead bracken.
Fifth Hermit: (calling from a distance) Frank!
Second Hermit: Yes Han.
Fifth Hermit: Can I borrow your goat?
Second Hermit: Er, yes that'11 be all right. Oh leave me a pint for breakfast will you? ... (to first hermit) You see, you know that is the trouble with living half way up a cliff - you feel so cut off. You know it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors, collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.
First Hermit: Still there's one thing about being a hermit, at least you meet people.
Second Hermit: Oh yes, I wouldn't go back to public relations.
First Hemit: Oh well, bye for now Frank, must toddle.
Colonel: Right, you two hermits, stop that sketch. I think it's silly.
Second Hermit What?
Colonel: lt's silly.
Second Hermit What do you mean, you can't stop it - it's on film.
Colonel: That doesn't make any difference to the viewer at home, does it? Come on, get out. Out. Come on out, all of you. Get off, go on, all of you. Go on, move, move. Go on, get out. Come on, get out, move, move.
(He shoos them and the film crew off the hillside.)
* * *
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Dead Parrot
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'. It was also performed on their Albums - 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK version), 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (US version), ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff' 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff' and 'Lust for Glory'.. They also performed this sketch on their live albums 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane' and 'Monty Python live at City Center'.
* * *
The cast:
MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. P
raline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: {pause} I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: {pause} I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
Mr. Praline: Bolton, eh? Very well.
(The customer leaves.)
(The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.)
Mr. Praline: This is Bolton, is it?
Owner: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
Mr. Praline: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
(Mr Praine goes to the train station. He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".)
Mr. Praline: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
Mr. Praline: I beg your pardon...?
Attendant: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
Mr. Praline: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Attendant: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.
Mr. Praline: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
Attendant: No, this is Bolton.
Mr. Praline: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
Attendant: Can't blame British Rail for that.
Mr. Praline: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
Mr. Praline: I understand this IS Bolton.
Owner: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
Mr. Praline: You told me it was Ipswitch!
Owner: ...It was a pun.
Mr. Praline: (pause) A PUN?!?
Owner: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
Mr. Praline: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
Owner: Yeah, that's it!
Mr. Praline: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
Owner: Well, what do you want?
Mr. Praline: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes customer by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go do another sketch now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)
Owner: (to the audience) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! (he takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it) Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side! etc. etc. etc.
****************** Alternative Ending: ********************
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
* * *
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The Flasher
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
* * *
The cast:
ANNOUNCER
Eric Idle
FLASHER
Terry Jones
COLONEL
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(We see an announcer eating a yoghurt.)
Announcer: (seeing camera) Oh ... er ... oh ... urn! Oh!...er... (shuffles paper) I'm sorry ... and now frontal nudity.
(Cut to tracking or hand-held shot down street, keeping up with extremely shabby man in long overcoat. His back is to camera. He passes two pepperpots and a girl. As he passes each one he opens his coat wide. They react with shocked
horror. He does this three times, after the third time he turns to camera and opens his coat wide. He has a big sign hanging round his neck, covering his chest. It says 'boo '.)
(Cut back to announcer eating .Foghun. The colonel comes in and nudges him.)
Announcer: Oh, oh I'm sorry. I thought the film was longer. (shuffling papers) Ah. Now Notlob, er, Bolton.
* * *
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Hell's Grannies
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 8, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
FIRST YOUNG MAN
Michael Palin
SECOND YOUNG MAN
Terry Jones
THIRD YOUNG MAN
John Cleese
FOURTH YOUNG MAN
Graham Chapman
POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
CINEMA MANAGER
Terry Jones
WIFE
Rita Davies
COLONEL
Graham Chapman
MAN IN DIRTY RAINCOAT
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Sketch opens with a pan across Bolton. Voice of reporter.)
Voice Over: This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenceless fit young men.
(Film of old ladies beating up two young men; then several grannies walking aggressively along street, pushing passers-by aside.)
