Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 18
. Customer: Look, what's going on?
Tape Recorder: Yes, it's a nice spot, isn't it.
Customer: Look, I came here for a haircut!
Barber: (pathetically) It looks very nice sir.
Customer: (angrily) It's exactly the same as when I first came in.
Tape Recorder: Right, that's the lot then.
Barber: All right ... I confess I haven't cut your hair ... I hate cutting hair. I have this terrible un-un-uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only cure for it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers' Training Centre at Totnes. Can you imagine what it's like cutting the same head for five years? I didn't want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia . . . (he is gradually straightening up with a visionary gleam in his eyes) The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine. (he tears off his barber's jacket, to reveal tartan shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath; as he speaks the lights dim behind him and a choir of Mounties is heard, faintly in the distance) The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! (moves to stand in front of back-drop of Canadian mountains and forests) With my best girlie by my side ... (a frail adoring blonde, the heroine of many a mountains film, or perhaps the rebel maid, rushes to his side and looks adoringly into his eyes) We'd sing ... sing ... sing.
(The choir is loud by now and music as well.)
Barber: (singing) I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK...
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Lumberjack Song
From the TV Series and featured on various albums
Composers: Terry Jones, Michael Palin, & Fred Tomlinson
Authors: Terry Jones & Michael Palin
Arranger: Fred Tomlinson
Lead Singer: Michael Palin
BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!
[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
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Gumby Crooner /
The Refreshment room at Bletchley
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9
* * *
The cast:
R.J. GUMBY
Graham Chapman
COMPÈRE
Eric Idle
KEN BUDDHA
Terry Jones
BARBER
Michael Palin
CUSTOMER
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut back to Canadian backdrop. In fiont, a man with a knotted handkerchief on his heed, a woolly pullover, and braces. Superimposed caption on the screen ' PROF. R. J. GUMBY')
Gumby: Well I think TV's killed real entertainment. In the old days we used to make our own fun. At Christmas parties I used to strike myself on the bead repeatedly with blunt instruments while crooning. (sings) 'Only make believe, I love you, (hits himself on head with bricks) Only make believe that you love me, (hits himself) Others find peace of mind...'
(Cut to a swish nightclub. Compare enters.)
Compare: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the refreshment room here at Bletchley. (applause) My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compere for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the refreshment room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. (applause) And tonight we have one such artist. (grovelling) Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. (applause) A man, well more than a man, a god (applause), a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. (by now on his knees) Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same Stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink.
Voice Off: He can't come!
Compare: Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees.
(Cut to Ken in evening dress; his knees go 'bang'.)
Compare: Ken Buddha, a smile, two bangs and a religion. Now ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment, Brian Islam and Brucie.
(Two animated men dance to jug band music When they finish we cut back to the barber and customer, from the Homicidal Barber Sketch)
Barber: So anyway, I became a barber.
Customer: (sympathetically) Poor chap.
Barber: Yes, pity really, I always preferred the outdoor life. Hunting, shooting, fishing. Getting out there with a gun, slaughtering a fewof God's creatures - that was the life. Charging about the moorland, blasting their heads off.
(Sketch moves in to the Hunting Film Sketch)
* * *
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Hunting Film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 9
* * *
The sketch:
(A large country house. A number of sportin' gentlemen dressed in huntin' tweed and carrying shotguns come out, casually firing the guns at random. They climb into a land-rover and drive off. Cut to huntin' country. A line of beaters moves towards the camera; as they do so several young couples leap up out of the undergrowth and run away. Shots of hunters stalking their prey and shooting. One of them breaks his gun into two pieces. Another fires into the air. An egg lands on his head. Cut to two duellists (with pistols) and a referee standing between them. They fire; the referee falls dead. A huntin'gentleman fires into the air, falls over backwards; a young couple get up from close behind him and run away. Another huntin' gentleman is arguing defensively with a pilot who has just landed by parachute. A hunter fires into some bushes; a Red Indian pops up and runs away in alarm. They all return to the house, legs and arms variously in plaster or bandaged. Two of them carry a pole between them from which is slung a very small bird.
The picture of the outside of the house freezes and we pull back to reveal that it is a photo on a stand, by which stands the knight in armour, expectantly flexing his raw chicken. The floor manager comes up to him.)
Floor Manager: I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.
(Knight looks dejected, droops and slinks off, still holding chicken. He walks past a hen house from wherein we hear a voice.)
Voice: And now for something completely different.
* * *
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Visitors from Coventry
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
* * *
The cast:
VICTOR
Graham Chapman
IRIS
Carol Cleveland
ARTHUR
Eric Idle
BRIAN
John Cleese
AUDREY
Terry Jones
MR. FREIGHT
Terry Gillam
MR. COOK
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting - ha ha - soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.)
Victor: Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?
Iris: Oh no, no, not at all.
Victor: Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.
Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?
Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think... I'm beginning to fall in love with you.
Iris: Oh Victor.
Victor: It's silly isn't it?
Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.
Victor: No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to...
Iris: Oh, oh Victor.
Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell goes) Who can that be?
Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.
Victor: Yes I will, I will.
(Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.)
Arthur: Hello!
Victor: Hello.
Arthur: Remember me?
Victor: No I'm...
Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?
Victor: No, I don't I'm afraid.
Arthur: Oh, blimey, it's dark in here, (switches light on) that's better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I'd take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.
Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.
Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I'm Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name but not by nature. I always say that, don't I Vicky boy?
Victor: Really...
Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?
Victor: Er, no, actually.
Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)
Victor: Look, look, we put that on.
Arthur: Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that's a good one. I like that one, I won't keep you long. (the gramophone plays the 'Washington Post March' very loud) That's better, now don't worry about me. I'll wait here till you've finished.
(The doorbell goes again.)
Victor: Who the hell...
Arthur: I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.
Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.
Arthur: Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad-minded. Hello!
(He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.)
Brian: Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.
Audrey: Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...
Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the...
Brian: Who's that then?
Victor: What?
Brian: Who's the bird?
Victor: I'm...
Brian: You got a nice pair there haven't you love. (puts hand on Iris's boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.
Victor: Now look here ...
Brian: Big gin please.
Arthur: I'll get it.
Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.
Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.
Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
Audrey: I only want three cans.
Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)
Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Brian: It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?
(The doorbell goes.)
Victor: Who the hell's that?
Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.
Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.
(In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)
Mr Freight: Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.
Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy ...ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)
Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.
Mr Freight: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.
Brian: Is he sexy?
(In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.)
Mr Cook: I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.
Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop 'em.
Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)
Brian: Blimey, she don't go much do she.
(He sits in chair which collapses.)
Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'em
Mr Cook: The goat's just done a bundle.
(A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)
Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get t~ul!
Brian: I beg your pardon?
Victor: I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just hall' a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.
Brian: I don't much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let's have a ding dong...
All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc...
* * *
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Walk-on part in sketch /
Bank Robber (Lingerie Shop) / Trailer / Arthur Tree
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
* * *
The cast:
ROBBER
John Cleese
ASSISTANT
Eric Idle
MAN
Michael Palin
WIFE
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Lingerie s
hop set. Assistant standing waiting behind counter. At the side the robber also stands waiting. They hum to themselves and waste time, looking at wristwatches, this takes about fifteen seconds. Cut to a letter on BBC stationery. The camera pulls back to show a grotty little man reading the letter and sitting at a breakfast table in a small kitchen. His wif is busying herself in wifelike activities.)
Man: Ooh. Ooh.
Wife: Oh, what is it dear?
Man: It's from the BBC. They want to know if I want to he in a sketch on telly.
Wife: Oooh. That's nice.
Man: What? It's acting innit?
Wife: Yes.
Man: Well I'm a plumber. I can't act.
Wife: Oh, you never know till you try. Look at Mrs Brando's son next door. He was mending the fridge when they came and asked him to be the Wild One. What do they want you to do?