by Monty Python
(Cut to Chichester Cathedral. Ron walks up to it, cleaning his teeth.)
Interviewer: Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps End, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral.
(Ron takes a hefty bite at a buttress, screams and clutches his mouth. Cut to countryside: a map, and a banner saying 'Tunnelling to Java '. Interviewer and Vercotti walk up to map.)
Mr Vercotti: Well, er, I think, David, this is something which Ron and myself are really keen on. Ron is going to tunnel from Godaiming here to Java here. (indicates inaccurately on map)
Interviewer: Java.
Mr Vercotti: Yeah, er, I, I personally think this is going to make Ron a household name overnight.
Interviewer: And how far has he got?
Mr Vercotti: Er, weB, he's quite far now, Dave, well on the way. Well on the way, yeah.
Interviewer: Well where is he exactly?
Mr Vercotti: Yeah.
Interviewer: Where?
Mr Vercotti: Oh, er, well, er, you know, it's difficult to say exactly. He's er, you know, in the area of er, Ron, how far have you got?
Ron: (emerging from hole) Oh about two foot six Mr Vercotri.
Mr Vercotti: Yeah well keep digging lad, keep digging.
Ron: Mr Vercotti are you sure there isn't a spade?
(Cut to interviewer and Vercotti by railway track)
Interviewer: Er, Mr Vercc,tti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?
Mr Vercotti: Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and l'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.
Interviewer: And what's he going to do today?
Mr Vercotti: He's going to split a railway carriage with his nose. (screams off)
(Cut to a hillside; Vercotti, interviewer, and in the background a banner: 'Running to Mercury'.)
Mr Vercotti: The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere. Er, once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury.
(A heavily bandaged Ron leaps off starting platform: freeze frame. Scream. Cut to a tombstone: 'Ron Obvious 1941- 1969 - very talented', Pull back to show Vercotti.)
Mr Vercotti: I am now extremely hopeful that Ron will break the world record for remaining underground. He's a wonderful boy this, he's got this really enormous talent, this really huge talent.
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Pet Conversions
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10, it was also featured on their album - 'The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief'.
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The cast:
MAN
John Cleese
SHOPKEEPER
Michael Palin
HARRY
Garaham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Caption: A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY)
Man: Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Shopkeeper: Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. (indicates a box on the counter)
Man: no, I want a cat really.
Shopkeeper: (taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box) Oh yeah, how about that?
Man: (looking in box) No, that's the terrier.
Shopkeeper: Well, it's as near as dammit.
Man: Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
Shopkeeper: Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.
Man: Its not a proper cat.
Shopkeeper: What do you mean?
Man: Well it wouldn't meow.
Shopkeeper: Well it would howl a bit.
Man: No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
Shopkeeper: No, It's afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. (taking small box and rattling it) No problem. Lovely parrot.
Man: how long would that take?
Shopkeeper: Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... (calling) Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
Harry (off screen): No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out.
Shopkeeper: Friday?
Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...
Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.
Man: Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
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Gorilla Librarian
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10
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The cast:
VICAR
Terry Jones
CHAIRMAN
Graham Chapman
GORILLA
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Cut to interview room in town hall: a tweedy colonel type chairman; next to hint a vicar and a lady with a pince- nez. The chairman is holding up the picture of Caesar. As the camera pulls out he rather obviously throws it away.)
Vicar: Here what was that picture?
Chairman: Ssh! Next! (a gorilla enters) Good morning - Mr Fhipps?
Gorilla: (Eric) That's right, yes.
Chairman: Er, do take a seat.
Gorilla: Right sir. (sits)
Chairman: Now could you tell us roughly why you want to become a librarian?
Gorilla: Er, well, I've had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.
Chairman: Yes, yes. What sort of experience?
Gorilla: Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science Library.
Chairman: Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience ... coupled with the fact that, urn, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.
Vicar: (aside) Isn't he a gorilla?
Chairman: Yes he is.
Vicar: Well why didn't it say on his form that he's a gorilla?
Chairman: Well, you see applicants are not required to fill in their species.
Vicar: What was that picture?
Chairman: Sh! ... Mr Phipps, what is your attitude toward censorship in a public library?
Gorilla: How do you mean, sir?
Vicar: Well I mean for instance, would you for instance stock 'Last Exit to Brooklyn'... or ... 'Groupie'?
Gorilla: Yes, I think so.
Vicar: Good.
Chairman: Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible Mr Phipps. I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its difficulties ... Mr Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.
Gorilla: I'm sorry sir.
Chairman: Oh, no, don't be sorry. You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Vicar: And also, they're much more permissive. Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelves...
Chairman: Yes. Yes
. Yes. (a maniacal look in his eyes) Yes, yes Mr Phipps. I love seeing the customers when they come in to complain about some book being damaged, and ask to see the chief librarian and then ... you should see their faces when the proud beast leaps from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs into their soft er ... (collects himself) Mr Phipps ... Kong! You can be our next librarian - you're proud majestic and fierce enough ... will you do it?
Gorilla: I ... don't think I can sir.
Vicar: Why not?
Gorilla: I.. I'm not really a gorilla...
Vicar: Eh?
Gorilla: I'm a librarian in a skin ...
Chairman: Why this deception?
Gorilla: Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.
Chairman: Get out, Mr Librarian Phipps, seeing as you're not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us in order to further your career ... (gorilla leaves) Next. (a dog comes in) Ah. Mr Pattinson ... Sit!
(Cut to angry letters.)
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Letters to 'Daily Mirror'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10
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The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER
John Cleese
THIRD VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
FOURTH VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
FIFTH VOICE OVER
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
(Cut to angry letters.)
Voice Over 1: (reads) Dear Mirror View, I would like to be paid five guineas for saying something stupid about a television show. Yours sincerely, Mrs Sybil Agro.
Voice Over 2: Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday. Why should I have to pay sixty-four guineas each year for my television licence when I can buy one for six. Yours sincerely, Captain R. H. Pretty. PS Support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running-in please pass.
Voice Over 3: Dear Old Codgers, some friends of mine and I have formed a consortium, and working with sophisticated drilling equipment, we have discovered extensive nickel deposits off Western Scodand. The Cincinnatti Mining Company.
Voices Over 1: Good for you, ma'am.
Voice Over 4: Dear Old Codgers, I am President of the United States of America, Yours truly, R. M. Nixon.
Voices Over 2: Phew! Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am.
Voice Over 5: Dear Sir, I am over three thousand years old and would like to see any scene with two people in bed.
Voices Over 3: Bet that's a link ma'am.
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Strangers in the night
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 10
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The cast:
MAURICE
Eric Idle
VERA
Terry Jones
HUSBAND
Michael Palin
BIGGLES
Graham Chapman
ALGY
Ian Davidson
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The sketch:
(Cut to bedroom of a middle-aged, middle-class wealthy couple. It is dark. They are both lying fast asleep on their backs. The husband is a colonel type with a moustache to boot. She has her hair in curlers and face cream on. Someone climbs in through the window and pads across to the wife. He is a dapper little Frenchman in a beret and a continental nylon mac, carrying a french loaf. He kisses her on the forehead. She wakes.)
Maurice: Vera ... Vera ... darling! Wake up my little lemon. Come to my arms.
Vera: Maurice! What are you doing here?
Maurice: I could not keep away from you. I must have you all the time.
Vera: Oh this is most inconvenient.
Maurice: Don't talk to me about convenience, love consumes my naughty mind, I'm delirious with desire.
(He kisses her hand repeatedly. The husband wakes up with a start and sits bolt upright and looks straight ahead.)
Husband: What's that, Vera?
Vera: Oh noticing, dear. Just a trick of the light.
Husband: Righto (he goes straight to sleep again)
Vera: Phew! That was close.
Maurice: Now then my little banana, my little fruit salad, I can wait for you no longer. You must be mine utterly ...
Vera: Oh, Maurice!
(Suddenly beside them appears a young public-school man in a check suit with a pipe.)
Roger: Vera! How dare you!
Vera: Roger!
Roger: What's the meaning of this?
Vera: Oh I can explain everything, my darling!
Roger: Who is this?
Vera: This is Maurice Zatapathique ... Roger Thompson ... Roger Thompsnn ... Maurice Zatapathique.
Maurice: How do you do.
Roger: How do you do ... (kneeling) How could you do this to me, Vera ... after all we've been through? Dammit, I love you.
Maurice: Vera! Don't you understand, it's me that loves you.
(The husband wakes up again.)
Husband: What's happening, Vera?
Vera: Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window.
Husband: Righto. (he goes back to sleep)
Roger: Come to me Vera!
Vera: Oh ... not now, Roger.
Maurice: Vera, my little hedgehog! Don't turn me away!
Vera: Oh it cannot be, Maurice.
(Enter Biggles. He wears flying boots, jacket and helmet us for First World War. He meats a notice round his neck: 'Biggles'.)
Biggles: Hands off, you filthy bally froggie! (kneels by the bed)
Vera: Oh Ken, Ken Biggles!
Biggles: Yes, Algy's here as well.
Vera: Algy Braithwaite?
(Into the light comes Algy. Team streaming down his face. He wears a notice round his neck which reads: Algy's here as well'.)
Algy: That's right... Vera ... (he chokes back the tears) Oh God you know we both still bally love you.
Vera: Oh Biggles! Algy. Oh, but how wonderful!
((She starts to cry. Husband wakes up again.)
Husband: What's happening, Vera?
Vera: Oh, er, nothing dear. It's just the toilet filling up.
Husband: Righto. (he goes fast asleep again)
(By this stage all the men have pulled up chairs in a circle around Vera's side of the bed. They are all chatting amongst themselves. Biggles is holding her hand. Maurice has produced a bottle of vin ordinaire. At this moment four Mexican musicians appear on the husband's side of the bed. The leader of the band nudges the husband, who wakes.)
Mexican: (reading from a scruffy bit of paper) Scusey... you tell me where is ... Mrs Vera Jackson ... please.
Husband: Yes ... right and right again.
Mexican: Muchas gracias...
Husband: Righto.
(He immediately goes back to sleep again. The Mexicans all troop round the bed and enter the group. The leader conducts them and they start up a little conga . . . once they 've started he turns and comes over to Vera with a naughty glint in his eye. They play a guitar, a trumpet and maracas.)
Mexican: Oh Vera ... you remember Acapulco in the Springtime ...
Vera: Oh. The Herman Rodrigues Four!
(Suddenly the husband wakes up.)
Husband: >Vera! (there is immediate silence) I distinctly heard a Mexican rhythm combo.
Vera: Oh no, dear... it was just the electric blanket switching off.
Husband: Hm. Well I'm going for a tinkle.
(He gets out of bed and disappears into the gloom.)
Vera: Oh no you can't do that. Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!
Algy: Dash it all, there's only another bally page.
Roger: I say. There's no one to react to.
Maurice: Don't talk to the camera.
Roger: Oh sorry.
(Enter a huge man dressed as an Azte
c god (viz: Christopher Plummer in 'Royal Hunt of the Sun). He stretches arms open wide and is about to speak when owing to lack of money he is cut short by Vera.)
Vera: Here it's no good you coming in ... He's gone and left the sketch.
Biggles: Yes, he went for a tinkle.
(Cut to close-up of husband and a dolly bird with a lavatory chain hanging between them. She is about to pull the chain when he stops her.)
Husband: Sh! I think my wife is beginning to suspect something...
(Cut to animation of various strange and wonderful creatures saying to the effect:)
Hartebeeste: I thought that ending was a bit predictable.
Crocodile: (eating it) Yes indeed there was a certain lack of originality.
Ostrich: (eating the crocodile) Anyway it's not necessarily a good thing just to be different.
A Lady: (emerging from hatch in ostrich) No, quite, there is equal humour in the conventional.
Pig: (eating ostrich) But on the other hand, is it what the public wants? I mean with the new permissiveness, not to mention the balance of payments. It's an undeniable fact that...
Coelocanth: (eating the pig) I agree with that completely.
Rodent: That's it... let's get out of this show before it's too late...
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Letter (lavatorial humour)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 11
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The cast:
MAN
Michael Palin
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
THIRD VOICE OVER
Michael Plain
