by Monty Python
(Mix to stock film of London-Brighton train journey in two minutes. After a few seconds the train goes into a tunnel. Blackness. Loud crash. Cut to signalbox as before.)
Signalman: (calling out of window) Sorry!
(He goes back to wrestling with bear.)
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Visitors / Mr. Hitler /
The North Minehead By-election
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
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The cast:
LANDLADY
Terry Jones
MR. JOHNSON
Eric Idle
PHILLIPS
Terry Gilham
HITLER
John Cleese
VON RIBBENTROP
Graham Chapman
HIMMLER
Michael Palin
YOKEL
Terry Jones
WOMAN
Eric Idle
UPPERCLASS
John Cleese
GUMBY
Michael Palin
CONSERVATIVE
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
Knock. Door opens.
Landlady: Hello, Mr and Mrs Johnson? Mr Johnson: Yes, that's right. Yes.
Landlady: Oh, come on in. Excuse me not shaking hands, I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boils. (Door closes)
Johnson: Thank you.
Landlady: Oh, you must be tired. It's a long way from Coventry, isn't it?
Johnson: Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with the 25 minute stop at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; and we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich.
Landlady: Really?
Johnson: Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see, just before Bridgewater.
Landlady: Yeah. Really?
Johnson: We decided to risk it 'cause they always say they're going to widen it there. Yes, well just by the intersection there where the A372 joins up. There's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only grass verges. They could get another six feet, knock down that hospital. Then we took the coast road through Williton - we got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe and Stogumber.
Landlady: Well you must be dying for a cup of tea.
Johnson: Well, wouldn't say no, long as it's warm and wet.
Landlady: Well come on in the lounge, I'm just going to serve afternoon tea.
Johnson: Very nice.
Landlady: Come on in, Mr and Mrs Johnson and meet Mr and Mrs Phillips.
Mr Phillips: Good afternoon.
Johnson: Good afternoon.
Landlady: It's their third time here; we can't keep you away, can we? And over there is Mr Hitler.
(In the corner are three German generals in full Nazi uniform, poring over a map.)
Hitler: Ach. Ha! Gut time, er, gut afternoon.
Landlady: Oho, planning a little excursion, eh, Mr Hitler?
Hitler: Ja, ja, ve haff a little... (to Himmler) was ist Abweise bewegen?
Himmler: Hiking.
Hitler: Ah yes, ve make a little *hike* for Bideford.
Johnson: Ah yes. Well, you'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.
Hitler: Ah! Stalingrad! Ha ha ha, Heinri...Reginald, you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-vicket English person.
Himmler: I'm sorry mein Fuhrer, mein (cough) mein Dickie old chum.
Landlady: Oh, lucky Mr Johnson pointed that out. You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you? Ha ha. (stony silence) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you?
Hitler: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.
Landlady: Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is Von. Von Ribbentrop.
Johnson: Oh, not Von Ribbentrop, eh?
Ribbentrop: Nein! Nein! Oh. Ha ha. Different other chap. I in Somerset am being born. Von Ribbentrop is born Gotterdammerstrasse 46, Dusseldorf Vest 8.....so they say!
Landlady: And this is the quiet one, Heinrich Himmler.
Himmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years.(Hitler elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hitler elbows him again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke! (laughs)
Landlady: Oh, Mr Himmler. You do have us on! (Telephone rings) Oh excuse me. I'd better get that.
Johnson: How long are you down here for, Mr Hitler, just the fortnight?
Hitler: Vot you ask that for, are you a spy? Get on against the wall, Britischer Pig, you are going to die!
Himmler: Take it easy, Dickie old chum!
Ribbentrop: He's a bit on edge, Mr Johnson, he hasn't slept since 1945.
Hitler: Shut your cake-hole, you Nazi!
Ribbentrop: Cool it, Fuhrer cat!
Himmler: Ha ha, the fun we have!
Johnson: Haven't I seen you on the television?
Hitler, Vibbentrop, & Himmler: (hastily) Nicht. Nein. No.
Johnson: Simon Dee show, or was it Frosty?
Hitler, Vibbentrop, & Himmler: Nein. No.
Landlady: Telephone, Mr Hitler. It's Mr McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour...?
Hitler: If he opens his big mouth again, it's Lapschig time!
Himmler: Shut up! Ha ha, hire bombers! He's a joker, that Scottish person.
Ribbentrop: Good old Norman!
Landlady: (to Johnson) He's on the phone the whole time now.
Johnson: In business, is he?
Himmler: Soon, baby!
Landlady: Of course it's his big day Thursday. They've been planning it for months.
Johnson: What's happening Thursday then?
Landlady: Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr Hitler's standing as the National Bocialist. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead!
Johnson: Like what?
Landlady: Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.
Johnson: North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?
Landlady: Well, yes, he gets a lot of people at his rallies.
(Short scene cut: huge crowds outside going "Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil. Sieg Heil.")
Hitler: I am not a racialist, but...and dis is a big but...the National Bocialist party says that das (stream of German).
Himmler: Mr Hitler (Hitler slaps him) ...Hitler says historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already!
Hitler: Und der Minehead ist nicht die letze (stream of German)...in die Welt!
Crowd: Sieg Heil.
( Cut to interviews on the street: )
Yokel: Oi don't loike the sound of these 'ere Boncentration Bamps.
Woman: Well, I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it in the head!
Upper class: Well, I think he'd do a lot of good to the Stock Exchange.
Gumby: I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS!
Conservative: (droning) Well... well... as the Conservative candidate I just drone on and on and on and on without letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start to froth at the mouth and fall over backwards. Ooo-aaahhh. (THUD)
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Police Station (Silly Voices)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
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The cast:
FIRST SERGEANT
John Cleese
MAN
Terry Jones
SECOND SERGEANT
Graham Chapman
INSPECTOR
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Sketch opens in a police station.)
First Sergeant: (behind station counter into camera) Goodnight.
(Camera pulls back to show a man standing in front of the counter.)
Man: Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Speak up please, sir.
Man: I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: I can't hear you, sir.
Man: (bellowing) I wish to report a burglary!
First Sergeant: That's a little bit too loud. Can you say it just a little less loud than that?
Man: (a little 1ouder than normal) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: No... I'm still not getting anything... Er, could you try it in a higher register?
Man: What do you mean in a higher register?
First Sergeant: What?
Man: (in a high-pitched voice) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Ahl That's it, hang on a moment. (gets out pencil and paper) Now a little bit Iouder.
Man: (louder and more.. high pitched) I wish to report a burglary.
First Sergeant: Report a what?
Man: (by now a ridiculously high-pitched squeak) Burglary!
First Sergeant: That's the exact frequency... now keep it there.
(Another sergeant enters and goes round to back of counter.)
Second Sergeant: (in high-pitched voice) Hello, sarge!
First Sergeant: (in very deep voice) Evening Charlie.
(The second sergeant is taking his coat off, and the first one begins to pack up his papers. The man carries on with his tale of woe, but still in a high-pitched shriek.)
Man: I was sitting at home with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen.
First Sergeant: WeB, I'm afraid I'm going off duty now sir. Er, could you tell
First Sergeant: Foster ....
(He leaves counter first Sergeant Foster comes forward with a helpful smile)
Man: (continues in high-pitched shriek) I was sitting at home with a friend of mine.
Second Sergeant: Excuse me sir, but, eri why the funny voice?
Man: (normal voice) Oh, terribly sorry. I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
Second Sergeant: I'm terribly sorry... I can't hear you, sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?
Man: What! Oh (in a very deep voice) I wish to report the loss of £5,000.
Second Sergeant: £5,000.? That's serious, you'd better speak to the detective inspector.
(At that moment, via the miracle of cueing, the detective inspector comes out of his office.)
Inspector: (in very slow deep voice) What's the trouble, sergeant?
Second Sergeant: (speaking at fantastic speed) Well-this-gentleman-sir-has- just-come-in-to-report-that-he-was-sitting-at-home-with-a-friend-when -he -heard -a-noise -in-the-backroom- went-round -to - investigate-and-found-that-£5,000-in-savings-had-been-stolen.
Inspector: (deep voice) I see. (turns to man and addresses him in normal voice) Where do you live sir?
Man: (normal voice) 121, Halliwell Road, Dulwich, SE21
(The detective inspector has been straining to hear but has failed. The second sergeant comes in helpfully)
Second Sergeant: (fast) 121, Halliwell-Road-Dulwich-SE21
Inspector: (squeak) Another Halliwell Road job eh, sergeant?
First Sergeant: (fast) Yes-I-can't-believe-it-I-thought-the-bloke-who'd- done -that-was-put-inside -last-year.
Second Sergeant: (squeak) Yes, in Parkhurst.
First Sergeant: (deep) Well it must have been somebody else.
Inspector: (very deep) Thank you, sergeant. (normal voice to man) We'll get things moving right away, sir. (he picks up phone and dials, at the same time he shrieks in high voice to the tint sergeant) You take over here, sergeant (very deep voice to the second sergeant) Alert all squad cars in the area. (ridiculous sing-song voice into phone) Ha-allo Dar-ling, I'm afra-ID I sh-A-ll BE L-ate H-O-me this evening.
(Meanwhile the second sergeant has a radio-controlled microphone and is singing down it in fine operatic tenor.)
Second Sergeant: (singing) Calling all squad cars in the area...
(Cut to vox pops.)
Lovely Girl: (in deep male voice, dubbed on) I think that's in very bad taste.
Pig: (meows)
Giraffe: (barks)
President Nixon: (superimposed sheep bleating)
Upperclass Twit: Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.
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Upper Class Twit of the Year
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 12, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'.
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The sketch:
Scene: Sporting Field, in particular a running track. Five competitors run onto the pitch.
Commentator (John Cleese): Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very litde sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the I27th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off' in a moment so let me just identify for you. (camera zooms in on the competitors) Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket· And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's orders ... and they're off (the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves) Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go. (starter fires gun again and the twits move offer in different directions) Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year. Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line. (All the Twits run erratically along five white lines) They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on theoutside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position... (the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high) Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime - if only his father could understand. Here's Nigel ... and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there.he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver ... and Gervaise... oh bad luck. And now it's Kicking the Beggar. (the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray) Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian
is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian a, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's Oliver (Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes), there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise (He is still kicking the beggar) and he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes. (the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer) Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith. (shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman) And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There's Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his keys, no there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbournow. (a man in bed in the middle of the pitch. The twit slams car door repeatedly) Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can't get this neighbour woken up. He's slamming away there as best he can. He's getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, he's woken him up and Simon's through. Here comes Vivian, Vivian to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that's Gervaise there, that's Gervaise going through there, and here, here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the table, no I don't think he is, yes he is, (twit falls over the table) he did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to him there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel, Nigel has woken the neighbour - my God this is exciting. Nigel's got very excited and he's going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the waiter and he's forgotten. (Simon runs past a waiter standing with a tray) And Oliver has run himself over, (Oliver lying in front of car) what a great twit! And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating him, there and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no Vivian's in front of him at the bar. (the twits each have several goes at getting under a bar of wood five feet off the ground) Simon's got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and Simon's fallen backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he's under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one over, there we are, hero's Nigel right at the head of the field, (the twits approach five rabbits staked out on the Found; they fire at them with shotguns) and now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they're blazing away there. They're not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are. (they approach a line of shopwindow dummies each wearing only a bra) They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they've got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they're having a bit of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too. (the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies) Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon's in second place, and, no there's Oliver, he's not necessarily out of it. There goes Nigel, no he's lost something, and Gervaise running through to this final obstacle. (they approach a table with five revolvers laid out on it) Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves. Simon has a shot. Bad luck, he misses. Nigel misses. Now there's Gervaise, and Gervaise has shot himself- Gervaise is Upperclass Twit of the Year. There's Nigel, he's shot Simon by mistake, Simon is back up and there's Nigel, Nigel's shot himself: Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the Year Show I've ever seen. Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place. (three coffins on stand with medals) And so the final result:
