by Monty Python
(Enter headmaster.)
Headmaster: Always were late weren't you Thompson?
Head Waiter: Hello Headmaster. What are you doing here?
Headmaster: Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you. No more sherry for me don't you know. Warner House beat Badger House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable. We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre. Bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves. Still... You haven't seen my wife anywhere have you?
Head Waiter: No.
Headmaster: Oh thank God for that, (exits)
She: Oh I don't like him. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same.
(Enter prologue, long white Greek robes, long white beard, holding a large staff)
Prologue: Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes. For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely to them it can construe...
Head Waiter: No it doesn't.
Prologue: Sorry. (he exits)
Head Waiter: Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood? Oh what a giveaway.
She: No, we'd like to see the menu please. I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu, and anyway I might be pregnant.
He: Perhaps you'd care for a drink? ,
She: Ever since you've married me, Douglas, you've treated me like an albatross.
(A waiter enters pushing a large seroing dish with a semi-naked Hopkins sitting unconcernedly in it.)
Hopkins: Evening.
He: Good evening.
Hopkins: I hope you're going to enjoy me this evening. I'm the special. Try me with some rice.
He: I beg your pardon?
Hopkins: A Hopkins au gratin a la chef.
He: Ah, oh how do you... (makes to shake hands)
Hopkins: (skittishly) Don't play with your food.
She: (examining him) I don't like that. There's dust on here. I don't think it's a proper meal without a pudding. My husband's an architect.
Hopkins: Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip. (lowering voice) Don't have any of the vicar over there. (cut to vicar sitting thin and unhappy in a pot) He's been here two weeks and nobody's touched him. 'Nuff said?
He: Yes thank you.
Hopkins: Well I must get on or I'll 'spoil. Janet - to the kitchen.
Waiter: There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.
Head Waiter: I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.
She: Oh I don't like that. I think it's silly. It's not a proper sketch without a proper punch line. I mean I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid. I'm muggins. Nobody cares what I think. I'm always the one that has to do everything. Nobody cares about me. Well I'm going to have a lot of bloody babies and they can bloody well care about me. Makes you sick half this television. They never stop talking, he'll be the ruination of her, rhythm method.
(Cut to animated sign saying 'Intermission '.)
Voice Over: There will now be a whopping great intermission, during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. Another way we can drive people away from the cinema is by showing you advertisements.
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Advertisments
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Shots of various cars with young ladies posing on them.)
Voice Over: Do you like this? Or how about this? Or perhaps you prefer this latest model? Then why not come to us. We supply only the very best models. (a card saying 'Soho Motors 2nd floor on a board with advertisement cards for 'Rita' etc.; cut to a restaurant) After the show why not visit the La Gondola Restaurant. Just two minutes from this performance. The manager Mr Luigi Vercotti will be pleased to welcome you and introduce you to a wide variety of famous Sicilian delicacies. (as Vercotti poses for the camera policemen bundle his staff and several half-dressed girls through and out of the restaurant) Here you can relax in comfort in friendly surroundings. Or if you wish, you may drink and dance till midnight. At the La Gondola Restaurant you can sample all the spicy pleasures of the Mediterranean. The head waiter will be pleased to show you his specialities. Or why not ask the cook for something really hot? (the police remove a chef carrying an 8mm projector and film) Yes, for an evening you will never forget - it's the La Gondola Restaurant, Chelsea, Parkhurst, Dartmoor and the Scrubs. (the police remove Mr Vercotti)
('Pearls for Swine' closing title.)
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Albatross!
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13, it was also performed live in the Movie - Live at the Hollywood Bowl. Other versions of the sketch were also featured on their Albums 'Monty Python's Flying Circus', 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane', 'Monty Python live at City Center' and on 'The Ultimate Monty Python Rippoff'.
* * *
The cast:
MAN
John Cleese
CUSTOMER
Terry Jones
FIRST VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER
Terry Gillam
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to corner of cinema. A man in an ice-cream girl's uniform is standing in a spotlight with an ice-cream tray with an albatross on it.)
Man: Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!
(A cutomer approaches him.)
Customer: Two choc-ices please.
Man: I haven't got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!
Customer: What flavour is it?
Man: It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavour. Albatross!
Customer: Do you get wafers with it?
Man: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it. Albatross!
Customer: How much is it?
Man: Ninepence.
Customer: I'll have two please.
Man: Gannet on a stick.
(The camera zooms past back onto the screen. On screen appears another 'Intermission' sign.)
First Voice Over: There will now be a very short...
(The intermission sign explodes.)
We now see a series on animated captions:
'NOW SHOWING AT OTHER DANK CINEMAS'
'AT THE PORTNOY CINEMA PICCADILLY'
'WINNER OF THE GOLDEN PALM, TORREMOLINOS'
'RAINWEAR THROUGH THE AGES'
'COMING SOON'
'AT THE JODRELL CINEMA, COCKFOSTERS'
Second Voice Over: The management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening as it eats into the profits'
(Cut to the Queen on horseback; first few bars of National Anthem. Cut to Customer sitting in cinema seat clutching albatross.)
Customer: Well that's quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdeans ... Albatross!
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Come back to my place
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
MAN
Michael Palin
INSPECTOR
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
Cut to a policeman standing in a street man comes up to him.)
Man: Inspector, inspector.
Inspector: Uh huh.
Man: I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.
Inspector: Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...
Man: No no, there was no one there at all. That
's the trouble.
Inspector: Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.
Man: Do you want to come back to my place?
Inspector: ... Yeah all right.
(Women's Institute applauding.)
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Me Doctor
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
Also performed on the album - Monty Python's Flying Circus
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13, it was also performed on their Album - Monty Python's Flying Circus'.
* * *
The cast:
DOCTOR
Eric Idle
MR. BERTSHAW
Terry Jones
NURSE
John Cleese
SISTER
Carol Cleveland
* * *
The sketch:
(Mr. Bertenshaw and his sick wife arrive at a hospital.)
Doctor: Mr. Bertenshaw?
Mr. Bertshaw: Me, Doctor.
Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
Mr. Bertshaw: My wife, doctor...
Doctor: No, your wife patient.
Sister: Come with me, please.
Mr. Bertshaw: Me, Sister?
Doctor: No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.
Nurse: Dr. Walters?
Doctor: Me, nurse...You Mr. Bertenshaw, she Sister, you doctor.
Sister: No, doctor.
Doctor: No Doctor call ambulance, keep warm.
Nurse: Drink, doctor?
Doctor: Drink doctor, eat Sister, cook Mr. Bertenshaw, nurse me!
Nurse: You, doctor?
Doctor: ME doctor!! You Mr. Bertenshaw. She Sister!
Mr. Bertshaw: But my wife, nurse...
Doctor: Your wife not nurse. She nurse, your wife patient. Be patient, she nurse your wife. Me doctor, you tent, you tree, you Tarzan, me Jane, you Trent, you Trillo...me doctor!
Sergeant-Major: Stop this, stop this. What a silly way to carry on. What do you want?
Customer: I wish to register a complaint.
Sergeant-Major: Well, this is a hospital. You want the pet shop.
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Historical Impersonations
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
WIGGAN
Michael Palin
RICHELIEU
Michael Palin
CAESAR
Eric Idle
GUMBY
Michael Palin
MARCEL MARCEAU
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to historical impersonation sketch. Big zoom in to linkman. Glittery linkman set, showbizzy music and applause.)
Voice Over: Yes, it's Historical Impersonations. When you in the present can make those in the past stars of the future. And here is your host for tonight - Wally Wiggin.
(Caption on screen : 'HISTORICAL IMPERSONATIONS' Fade applause and music.)
Wiggin: Hello, good evening and welcome to Historical Impersonations. And we kick off tonight with Cardinal Richelieu and his impersonation of Petula Clark.
(Cut to Cardinal Richelieu, he mimes to the phrase from the record.)
Richclieu: 'Don't sleep in the subway darling and don't stand in the pouring rain'.
(Vast applause.)
Wiggin: Cardinal Richelieu - sixteen stone of pure man. And now your favourite Roman Emperor Julius Caesar as Eddie Waring.
(Cut to Caesar, cloud effects behind.)
Caesar: (in Waring voice) Tota gallia divisa est in tres partes Wigan, Hunslett and Hull Kingston Rovers.
(Cut back to Wiggin.)
Wiggin: Well done indeed, Julius Caesar, a smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap. Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea. It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as Brian London.
(Florence Nightingale stands them with a lamp, simpering femininet. A boxing bell goes, slight pause, then she is hit on the side of the cheek with a boxing glove, and fallls straight on her back. Cut back to Wiggin)
Wiggin: And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight - all the way from Moscow in the USS of R - Ivan the Terrible as a sales assistant in Freeman, Hardy and Willis.
(In a shoe department. Three people are sitting in chain, only the middle one is a dummy. Ivan the Terrible comes in and splits the man in the middle in half with an immense two-handed sword: the model splits in two.)
Wiggin: And now W. G. Grace as a music box.
(Animation: Still picture of W. G. Grace. Slowly his head starts to revolve as a musical box plays Swiss-type music. Cut back to Wiggin.)
Wiggin: And now it's France's turn. One of their top statesmen, Napoleon as the R101 disaster.
(Cut to a sky background Napoleon comes into frame horizontally, moving along a wire very slowly. In each hand he has a small propeller. A sign hangs below his belly saying R101. Marseillaise plays. As he passes out or shot there is an explosion.)
Wiggin: And now it's request time.
(Cut to Gumby.)
Gumby: I would like to see John the Baptist's impersonation of Graham Hill.
(A head on a platter is pulled by a string across the floor. We hear brm, brm, brm, noises. The head of John the Baptist has a Graham Hill moustache, obviously stuck on. Women's Institute applaud.)
Wiggin: And now a short intermission during which Marcel Marceau will impersonate a man walking against the wind.
(Marcel Marceau walks against the wind.)
Wiggin: And now Marcel will mime a man being struck about the head by a sixteen-ton weight.
(Cut to him starting the mime. He doesn't get very far as a sixteen-ton wright is dropped on his head. Cut to Wembley crowd cheering.)
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Quiz programme - 'Wishes'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
* * *
The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
ERIC
Eric Idle
MICHAEL
Michael Palin
TREVOR
Graham Chapman
CITY GENT
Michael Palin
FAIRY
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to interviewer and two small boys.)
Interviewer: (gently) What's your name?
Eric: Eric.
Interviewer: Would you like to have a sixteen-ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?
Eric: Don't know.
(Brief stock shot of theatre audience applauding.)
Interviewer: How about you?
Michael: I want to have.
Interviewer: What do you want to have?
Michael: I want to have... I want to have Racquel Welch dropped on top of me.
Interviewer: Dropped on top of you.
Michael: Oh yes, not climbing.
Eric: She's got a big bottom.
(Applause stock shot. Cut to interviewer and two city gents on their knees).
Interviewer: And what's your name?
Trevor: Trevor Atkinson.
Interviewer: And how old are you, Trevor?
Trevor: I'm forty-two.
(Applause stock shot.)
Interviewer: (to other city gent) Are you a friend of Trevor's?
City Gent: Yes, we're all colleagues from the Empire and General Insurance Company.
Interviewer: And what do you do?
City Gent: Well I deal mainly with mortgage protection policies, but I also do certain types of life assurance.
Interviewer: Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?
Trevor: I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.
(Fairy godmother trips lightly into shot.)
Fairy: And so you shall.
(Cut to open country. A policeman cycles up and parks his bike. From the saddlebag he takes a burglar's outfit - striped jersey, cap, and trousers. He lays them out on the Found, and inflates them with a bicycle pump. The inflated burglar runs away in speeded-up motion. The policeman blows his whistle. Three more policemen appear out of nowhere. He points forward and the four of them move off in a pixilated motion after the burglar. The burglar runs across moorland; the policemen follow him. Dick Barton theme music. The burglar lures the policemen into a large packing crate, slams the door on them and nails on it a label: 'Do not open until Christmas'. In the background a policeman with a fairy tutu appears suddenly out of thin air. He waves his wand at the burglar, who disappears. Cut to policeman, with wand, standing in a street.)
Policeman: Yes, we in Special Crime Squad have been using wands for almost a year now. You find it's easy to make yourself invisible. You can defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into frogs. Something which you could never do with the old truncheons.
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'Probe Around' on Crime
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 13
