by Monty Python
(Cut back to 'Harry Snapper' Organs)
Organs: The Piranhas realised they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester from _King Lear_. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in _Toad of Toad Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in _Man of la Mancha_ which the "Bristol Evening Post" described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the "Bath Chronicle" was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quote
Voice Over: As for the performance of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.
Organs (off screen):The "Western Daily News" said......
Voice over (John Cleese): 'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of "What's all this then?"'
***************** TV Series version continues as follows *******************
(Cut to back stage dressing room where Harry 'Snapper' Organs and a Policeman are doing their makeup in front of mirrors)
Policeman: Never mind Snapper love you can't win 'em all
Organs: True constable. Could I have my eye-liner please?
2nd Policeman: Telegram for you love
Organs: Good-oh Bet it's from Binkie
2nd Policeman: Those flowers are for Sergant Lauderdale - from the gentleman waiting outside
Organs: Oh good
(There is a knock at the door. A man pokes his head in)
Man: Thirty second superintendent
Organs: Oh blimey, I'm on. Is me hat on straight constable
Policeman: Oh it's fine
Organs: Right here we gone then Hawkins
Policeman : Oh, merde superintendent
Organs:Good luck then
(Cut to exterior of Police Station. 'Sanpper' and Polieman walk down stairs and then along pavement. Mr Teabag - Minister of Silly Walks - walks by. Cut to a Newspaper seller)
Nwespaper Seller: Read all about it Pirhana brothers escape
(Cut to suburban street, with people clearing the streets very fast. Cut to a picture of an empty street. A very large hedgehog peers over the houses looking for Dinsdale)
Hedgehog: Dinsdale? Dinsdale? Dinsdale?
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Man Powered Flight
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
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The sketch:
(A field. A man with large mechanical wings, pulleys and gears contraption, running along trying to fly. Cut to him going faster. Cut to him going even faster. Cut to him even faster and suddenly he appears to take off, jumping off a dune or a hillock. Cut to him flying in slow motion so that it looks like he is gliding. He hits what seems to be a be a cliff. Camera twists round so that it is the right way up, showing that the flyer has fallen down a cliff onto a beach. It pans across flora the wreck of the flyer. As it pans across the sand various other would-be fliers can be seen, heads in the sand, legs kicking up in the air, amidst the broken debris of their planes. Camera continues to pan until it comes across an announcer sitting at his desk:)
Announcer: (JOHN) And now for something completely different.
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The Spanish Inquisition
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
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About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15, it was also performed on their Albums - Another Monty Python Record' and 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff', however the Album versions was slightly different.
The cast:
MAN
Graham Chapman
WOMAN
Carol Cleveland
CARDINAL XIMINEZ
Michael Palin
CARDINAL BIGGLES
Terry Jones
CARDINAL FANG
Terry Gillam
* * *
The sketch:
Man: Trouble at mill.
Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Woman: Pardon?
Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.
Man: (slightly irritably and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?
Man: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?
Woman: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Bi
ggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Woman: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Biggles: I....
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)
(Sketch continues...)
* * *
Please note that the "Spanish Inquisition" reappears in "Photos of Uncle Ted (Spanish Inquisition)" and in end of the "Court Scene (Charades)".
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Jokes and Novelties Salesman
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15
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The cast:
BBC MAN
John Cleese
REG
Graham Chapman
JOHNSON
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(The doorbell rings. Reg detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)
BBC Man: Ah, hello, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC. We were wondering if you'd come and answer the door in a sketch over there, in that sort of direction... You wouldn't have to do anything - just open the door and that's it.
Reg: Oh, well all right, yes.
BBC Man: Jolly good. Come this way. Cut to film of them coming out of the front door of the house and walking to BBC van. Conversation is heard throughout (slightly faintly).
BBC Man: Yes, we're on film at the moment you see.
Reg: It's a link, is it?
BBC Man: Yes that's right, that son of thing, yes, a link. It's all a bit zany - you know a bit madcap funster... frankly I don't fully understand it myself, the kids seem to like it. I much prefer Des O'Connor ... Rolf Harris ... Tom Jones, you know...
(They get into the van. It drives off. They pass an AA sign saying 'To the Sketch'. Panning shot of them, in which we see them convening and hear...)
Reg: You do a lot of this sort of thing, do you?
BBC Man: Quite a lot yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy. I'd like to be in Programming Planning actually, but unfortunately I've got a degree.
(They arrive outside a suburban house, where the novelty salesman, Mr Johnson, is already waiting outside the front door. BBC man points and gives Reg direaion. Reg goes to the door saying: 'Excuse me' and goes in, closing the front door. The novelty man rings bell. Reg opens the door.)
Johnson: Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number - 'a naughty Humphrey' - breaks the ice at parties. Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits. Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Frighten the elderly - real snakes. Comedy hernia kit. Plastic flesh wounds - just keep your friends in stitches. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight' - empty it into their beds - real skunk juice. They won't forget their wedding night. Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Amuse your friends - CS gas canisters - smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing - can blind, maim or kill. Or for drinks, why not buy a 'wicked willy' with a life-size winkle - serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. Hours of amusement. Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests - completely authentic sound. Or why not try a new 'naughty nighfie' - put it on and it melts - just watch their faces. Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. Go on, go on.
Reg: What?
Johnson: Do the punchline.
Reg: What punchline?
Johnson: The punchline for this bit.
Reg: I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punchline.
Johnson: Oh! Oh well in that case I'll be saying goodbye then, sir... Goodbye then, sir.
(He turns and walks away. Reg looks around desperately. And then runs out of the door. He runs to BBC van as Johnson walks out of piaure. Cut to cabin of BBC van with the BBC man sitting there.)
Reg: What's the punchline?
BBC Man: Punchline? I don't think there's a punchline scheduled, is there? Where are we? A week 39.4 · ·. no, it's Friday, isn't it- 39.7. Oh ... here we are. Oh! (laughs) Ha, ha, ha, very good. Ha, ha, ha, very good. What a good punchline. Pity we missed that. Still, never mind, we can always do it again. Make a series out of it. Now if you'll just sign there, I'll put this through to our contracts department and you should be heating from them in a year or two.
Reg: Can you give me a lift back?
BBC Man: Ah - can do. But won't. We were wondering if we could possibly borrow your head for a piece of animation.
Reg: What?
BBC Man: Oh jolly good. Thanks very much. You will get expenses.
(BBC staff set on Reg and saw his head off. ANIMATION: Reg's head starts off by being thrown into picture.)
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Photos of Uncle Ted (Spanish Inquisition)
* * *
About the Sketch:
Not only did this sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15, sections of it was performed on their album 'Lust for Glory'.
* * *
The cast:
DEAR OLD LADY
Marjorie Wilde
YOUNG LADY
Carol Cleveland
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
CARDINAL XIMINEZ
Michael Palin
CARDINAL BIGGLES
Terry Jones
CARDINAL FANG
Terry Gillam
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to snapshot of same still which is being held by a dear old lady. Pull out to reveal she is sitting with a large photo album on her knees, lovingly extracting photos from the pile on top of the album and passing them to her friend sitting on the same settee. Her friend is a young ladyy, who tears up the photos as they are handed to her. The dear old lady is in a world of her own and does not notice.)
Dear Old Lady: This is Uncle Ted in front of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed. (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)
Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
(Jarring chord The door flies open and Ximinez, Biggles and Fang enter.)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
(Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.)
Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE POPE
GAVE CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION . . .'
(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging footsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The footsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximinez walks in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.)
Ximinez: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?
Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD - Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
