by Monty Python
(Scene: A large, posh office. Two clients, well-dressed city gents, sit facing a large table at which stands Mr. Tid, the account manager of the architectural firm.
MR. TID: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this--
GUMBYS: Up there!...
MR. TID: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this--
GUMBYS: Architects! Up there! Up ther--
MR. TID: Shut up! Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions--
GUMBYS: Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring!... (splash)
MR. TID: Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this architectural block, the residential block, and I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs.
(knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock)
That must be the first architect now. Ah, yes. It's Mr. Wiggin of Ironside and Malone.
MR. WIGGIN: Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a twelve-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features with all the advantages of modern design. Uhh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large contai--
CITY GENT #1: Excuse me.
MR. WIGGIN: Hmm?
CITY GENT #1: Uh, did you say 'knives'?
MR. WIGGIN: Uh, rotating knives. Yes.
CITY GENT #2: Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants?
MR. WIGGIN: Does that not fit in with your plans?
CITY GENT #1: No, it does not. Uh, we-- we wanted a... simple... block of flats.
MR. WIGGIN: Ahh, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitude...
CITY GENT #: Uh, huh huh.
MR. WIGGIN: ...towards your tenants.
CITY GENT #: Huh huh.
MR. WIGGIN: You see, I mainly design slaughter houses.
CITY GENT #1: Yes. Pity.
MR. WIGGIN: Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows inconveniencing passers-by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this.
CITY GENT #2: Yes, and well done, huh, but we did want a block of flats.
MR. WIGGIN: Well, may I ask you to reconsider? I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tourist trade.
CITY GENT #1: No, no, it's-- it's just that we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir.
MR. WIGGIN: Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!
CITY GENT #2: Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we, um, did... want... a block of flats. Nice, though, the abattoir is. Huh huh.
MR. WIGGIN: Oh, p-p-p-p the abattoir.
(He dashes forward and kneels in front of them.)
That's not important, but if one of you could put in a word for me, I'd love to be a freemason. Freemasonry opens doors. I mean, um, I-- I was a bit on edge just now, but-- but if I was a mason, I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.
CITY GENT #1: Thank you.
MR. WIGGIN: I've got a second-hand apron.
CITY GENT #2: Thank you.
(Mr. Wiggin hurries to the door but stops...)
MR. WIGGIN: I nearly got in at Hendon.
CITY GENT #1: Thank you.
MR. TID: I'm sorry about that, gentlemen. The second architect is Mr. Leavey of Wymis and Dibble.
CITY GENTS: Oh.
(Mr. Leavey enters, carrying his model with great care. He places it on the table.)
MR. LEAVEY: Good morning, gentlemen.
CITY GENTS: Morning.
MR. LEAVEY: Uhh, this is a scale model of the block. Uh, there are twenty-eight storeys with two hundred and eighty modern apartments. There are three main lifts and two service lifts. Access would be from Dibbingley Road.
(The model falls over. Mr. Leavey quickly places it upright again.)
Uhh, the structure is built on a central pillar system, uh,...
(The model falls over again. Mr. Leavey tries to make it stand up, but it won't, so he has to hold it upright.)
...with cantilevered floors in pre-stressed steel and concrete. Uh, the dividing walls on each floor section are fixed with recessed magnolia flanged grooves.
(The bottom ten floors of the model give way and it partly collapses.)
(crick) Uh, by avoiding wood and timber derivatives and all other inflammables, uh,... (fsss) ...we have almost totally removed the risk... of--
(The model is smoking. Flames can be seen. Mr. Leavey looks at the city gents.)
Quite frankly, I think the central pillar system may need strengthening a bit. CITY GENT #2: Isn't that going to put the cost up?
MR. LEAVEY: Uh, it might.
CITY GENT #2: Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about strengthening that much. After all, they're not meant to be luxury flats. Huh.
CITY GENT #1: No, I quite agree. I mean, providing the tenants are of light build and relatively sedentary and, uhh,(er instead) given a spot of good weather, I think we're on to a winner here.
CITY GENT #: Yes.
MR. LEAVEY: Uh, thank you.
(The model explodes.)
CITY GENT #2: I quite agree. I quite agree.
MR. LEAVEY: Thank you very much. Thank you.
(They all shake hands, giving the secret Mason's handshake. Mr. Wiggin then says to the camera...)
MR. WIGGIN: It opens doors, I'm telling you.
* * *
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How to give up being a Mason
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
First Voice Over: What other ways are there of recognizing a mason?
(Shot from camera concealed in a tar so we get reactions of passers-by. A busy city street- i.e. Threadneedle Street. In amongst the throng four city gents are leaping along with their trousers round their ankles. They are wearing bowler hats and pinstripes. Another city street or another part of the same street. Two city gents, with trousers rolled up to the knee, approach each other and go into the most extraordinary handshake which involves rolling on the floor etc.)
Second Voice Over: Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. Having accomplished that it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate Masonic tendencies through the use of behavioural psychotherapy. (we see a cartoon city gent locked into a cell) In this treatment the patient is rewarded for the correct response and punished for the wrong one. Let us begin. Would you like to give up being a mason? Think carefully. Think. Think.
Cartoon City Gent: No.
(A large hammer attacks the city gent.)
* * *
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Motor Insurance Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
* * *
The cast:
DEVIOUS
Michael Palin
MAN
Graham Chapman
VICAR
Eric Idle
BISHOP
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(A group of Gu
mbys shuffle into extreme left edge of frame. They do not move any further into the picture. After a bit of humming and harring:)
Gumbys: Oh! And the next item is a sketch about insurance called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'...
(Cut to Mr Devious's insurance office. Devious and a man are sitting there.)
Devious: What do you want?
Man: Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer...
Devious: What was that?
Man: Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eight pence.
Devious: Oh, oh, yes ... yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be economically viable, so we now have a totally new offer...
Man: What's that?
Devious: A nude lady.
Man: A nude lady?
Devious: Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft...
Man: No, no, I don't really want that, Mr er... Mr...
Devious: Devious.
Man: Mr Devious, I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin,
Devious: Aston Martin?
Man: Yes.
Devious: (quickly) Five hundred quid.
Man: Five hundred quid?
Devious: Forty quid.
Man: Forty quid?
Devious: Forty quid and a nude lady.
Man: No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.
Devious: Dirty books?
Man: No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price.
(Cut to outside the door of the office. A vicar stands there.)
Vicar: Knock knock.
(Cut to inside office)
Devious: Who's there?
(Cut to outside.)
Vicar: The Reverend...
(Cut to inside.)
Devious: The Reverend who?
Vicar: The Reverend Morrison.
(Cut to inside.)
Devious: Oh, come in.
(The vicar enters.)
Devious: Now then, vic. What's the trouble?
Vicar: Well, it's about this letter you sent me.
Man: Excuse me, do I have any more lines?
Devious: I don't know, mush, I'll have a look in the script... (he gets script out of drawer) Where are we? Show 8. Are you 'man'?
Man: Yeah.
Devious: No... no, you've finished.
Man: Well, I'll be off then. (he leaves)
Devious: (reading script) 'The vicar sits'.
(The vicar sits.)
Vicar:' It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.
Devious: Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, it's just that we're not... as yet ... totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.
Vicar: But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.
Devious: Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.
Vicar: But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.
Devious: (rising and crossing to a filing cabinet) Oh well, Reverend Morrison ... in your policy... in your policy... (he opens the drawer of the filing cabins and takes out a shabby old sports jacket; he feels in the pocket and pulls out a crumpled dog-eared piece of paper then puts the coat back and shuts the ftling cabinet).... here we are. It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid.
Vicar: Oh dear.
Devious: You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is wery worthwhile ... but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.
Vicar: Oh dear, oh dear.
Devious: Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady?
Vicar: Oh, she's fine. (he begins to sob)
Devious: Look... Rev... I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out' office. There's a good chap.
(The vicar goes out sobbing. Cut to outside. Vicar collects a nude lady sitting in a supermarket shopping trolley... and wheels her disconsolately away. Cut back to inside of office. Close-up on Devious. He gets out some files and starts writing. Suddenly a bishop's crook slams down on the desk in front of Devious. He looks up - his eyes register terror. Cut to reverse angle shot from below. The bishop in full mitre and robes.)
Bishop: OK, Devious... Don't move!
Devious: The bishop!
* * *
Return to the sketches index
'The Bishop'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 17
* * *
The cast:
DEVIOUS
Michael Palin
BISHOP
Terry Jones
FIRST VICAR
Graham Chapman
SECOND VICAR
John Cleese
THIRD VICAR
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Devious: The bishop!
Animated crime-series-type titles, with suitable music:
'C. OF E. FILMS'
'IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE SUNDAY SCHOOLS BOARD'
'PRESENT'
'THE BISHOP'
'STARRING THE REVEREND E, P. NESBITT'
'AND INTRODUCING F. B. GRIMSBY URQHART-WRIGHT 4S THE VOICE OF GOD'
'SPECIAL EFFECTS BY THE MODERATOR OF THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND'
'DIRECTED BY PREBENDARY ~CHOPPER" HARRIS'
(Exterior beautiful English church. Birds singing, a hymn bring sung. Suddenly, sound of a high-powered car roaring towards the church. Screech of tyres as a huge open-top American car screeches to a halt outside the church. The bishop leaps out. Behind him (as throughout the film) are his four henchmen... vicars with dark glasses. They wear clerical suits and dog collars. They leap out of their car and race up the drive towards the church. As they do so the hymn is heard to come to an end. Sound of people sitting down. Cut to interior of church. Vicar climbing up into pulpit. Cut back to exterior. The bishop and his vicars racing through the doors. Interior of church. Shot of vicar in pulpit.)
First Vicar: I take as my text for today...
(Cut to bishop and vicars at doorway.)
Bishop: The text, vic! Don't say the text!
(Cut back to vicar.)
First Vicar: Leviticus 3-14. . .
(The pulpit explodes. Vicar disappears in smoke, flying up into the air. Cut to close-up of the bishop. Behind him there is smoke and people rushing about. Sound of people scrambling over pews in panic etc.)
Bishop: We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling.
(The end of the bishop's crook suddenly starts flashing. He lifts the flashing end off and it stops. Using it like a telephone receiver, he speaks into the staff.)
Bishop: Hello? '... What?... We'll be right over!
(Still of another church exterior. Crash zoom in on door. Cut to interior. A baptism party round the front. An innocent vicar is just testing the water. Pan across to the parents - a couple of shifty crooks - and two godmothers, obviously all-in wrestlers in drag (cauliflower ears etc.). As the vicar takes the baby it starts to tick loudly.)
First Vicar: And it is for this reason that the Christian Church lays upon you, the godparents, the obligation of seeing this child is brought up in the Christian faith. Therefore, I name this child...
(Cut to door of church. The bishop and vicars rush in.)
Bishop: Don't say the kid's name, vic!
(Cut back to vicar.)
First Vicar: Francesco Luigi...
(Explosion. Cut to close-up of bishop. Smoke and panic as before.)
Bishop: We was too late... The Rev. Neuk saw the light.
(Whip pan to interior of yet another church. A wedding. Bride and groom standing in front of a vicar. Cut to door of church. The
bishop and vicars burst in.)
Bishop: The ring, vic Don't touch the ring! Hey vic!
(Cut to vicar taking the ring out of the bible. The ring is attached to a piece of string. A sixteen-ton weight falls on top of them with a mighty crunch - the camera shakes as it hits the floor. Cut to two bell ringers. One pulls his rope, and the other rises off the floor, hanged by the neck. The bishop arrives, just too late. Cut to another vicar at graveside.)
Second Vicar: ... dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
(He sprinkles dust on the grave. A huge prop cannon rises up out of the grave until its mighty barrel (twelve inches wide) is pointing right in the vicar's face. He does not notice. Sound of car screeching to a halt. We pan away from grave to reveal the bishop leaping out of the car. Sound of an almighty blast from the cannon. The bishop gets back into the car immediately and turns it round.)
(Cut to a street. Outside a cigarette shop the four clerics lounge against a wall. The bishop walks out rolling his own. Suddenly he stops. Close-up. He looks up as he hears a faint cry. Camera swings round and up - enormous zoom to high window in huge, drab city office block, where a vicar is looking out.)
Third Vicar: Help ... help... help... help... help... help...
(Cut back to the bishop breaking into a run, throwing his cigarette into the gutter. Peter Gunn music. Hand-held shots of the bishop and the four vicars running through crowded streets. He reaches the office block, rushes in. Interior: a stair well. Right at the bottom we see the bishop and the vicars. Close-up hand-held shot of bishop running up stairs. Shadows running up the stair well. The bishop arrives on the top landing. Door of office. The bishop tries the door. It won't open. One vicar goes rigid. The other three take hold of him and use him as a battering ram and go straight through the balsa wood door first time.)
Bishop: OK, Devious, don't move!
Devious: The bishop!
('The Bishop' titles again.)
