by Monty Python
Nigel: Well, I...
Timmy: It is so nice to have this little talk about things. I heard a teeny rumourlette that you were married.
Nigel: Well, not quite, no. My wife's just died, actually.
Timmy: Oh dear. (sees another man passing) Brian! (extends his arm) We must get together again soon. See you. Bye. (to Nigel) Well, perhaps we could do a tribute to her on the show.
Nigel: Well, no. I...
Timmy: I'll get Peter, William, Arthur, Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up. It is so nice having this little chat.
Nigel: Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get you on your own...
(A reporter comes up to the table.)
Timmy: You don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you?
Nigel: Well, actually...
Timmy: Only he's doing an article on me for the 'Mail'. He's such a lovely person.
Reporter: Hello.
Timmy: Peter, this is one of the nicest people in the world, Nigel Watt. (Peter scribbles it down) W-A-double T. That's right, yes.
Nigel: Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is, it's a bit private.
(A writer comes to the table.)
Timmy: Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me. Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail', don't you?
Peter: Yes, we met in the Turkish bath yesterday.
Timmy: Super, super. Did it come up well in the writing yesterday?
Peter: Great, great, great.
Timmy: You took out the tummy references? (makes fatness signs)
Peter: Yes, I did.
Timmy: Super, super, super. Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt and we are having a little heart-to-hem. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing. Do go on, Nigel.
(They both start writing.)
Nigel: Well, well, the thing is, Timmy, um er...
(Timmy is smiling and posing. Nigel stops and looks. There is a photographer, hovering.)
Timmy: Do carry on, it's the 'TV Times', only they syndicate these photographs to America. Would you mind if we just er... (grabs him by the hand and poses hearty friendship photo) Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob. A little smile, please, smashing, smashing. Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you. Do go on, this is most interesting.
Nigel: Well, the thing is, Timmy, I'm a bit embarrassed.
Waiter: (coming to table) Oh, Mr Willimas, it's so nice to see you. Will you sign this for my little daughter, please?
Timmy: Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. (signs) Just two lovely coffees, please. (Director comes in.)
Director: Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?
Timmy: It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me.
(We see a film camera and the whole crew gathered round.)
Clapper Boy: 'The Wonderful Mr Williams', scene 239, take 2.
Director: Action!
Timmy: (taking the cue, switches) Mario, how super to see you. How are the lovely family? Please give your little daughter this. (hands him a five pound note) Thank you. And just two lovely coffees, please.
Mario: Yes, sir.
Timmy: (to Nigel) Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on please, this is most interesting.
Nigel: Well ... er... as I was saying, Timmy, my wife's gone... gone. (close-up on him) I've got three children and I'm at my wits' end. No job, no insurance, no money at all. I'm absolutely fiat broke, I just don't know where to turn. I... I'm absolutely at the end of my tether. You're my only chance. Can you help me, please, Timmy?
(He looks up, Timmy isn't there. Timmy comes bounding back.)
Timmy: Sorry, I was on the phone to America. It's been super having this lovely little chat. We must do this again more often. Er... will you get the toffees? I'm afraid I must dash, I'm an hour late for the Israeli Embassy. (there is a shot; Nigel slumps over the table, gun in his hand) Er... did you get that shot all right, sound?
Sound Man: (off screen) Yes, fine.
Timmy: It... it wasn't a bit too wicked, was it? I mean, it wasn't too cruel?
Tony and Peter: No, no, no. It was great.
Timmy: No, super... well, er... I think it shows I'm human, don't you?
Tony and Peter: Yes, great.
Timmy: Super, super. Well, the charabanc's here. Go on, everybody. Bye. (he waves)
(They all troop off after him. Theme music starts to come up, we pull back and see the camera set-up. Credits start to roll:)
Voice Over: Timmy Wilhams' Coffee Time' was brought to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.
(Credits continue to roll:)
THEME SCRIPT BY (enormous letters) TIMMY WILLIAMS
ENTIRELY WRITTEN BY (enormous letters) TIMMY WILLIAMS
ADDITIONAL MATERIAL BY: (these go straight through very fast)
PETER WRAY
LEN ASHLEY
GEOFFREY INGERSOLL
GEORGE HERBERT
HARRY LOWALL
RALPH EMERSON
HATTY STARR
FRANK PICKSLEY
JOHN STAMFORD
SHELLEY BUNHEUR
MALCOLM KERR
JAMES BEACH
ALAN BAILEY
BRIAN FELDMAN
STIRLING HARTLEY
ADRIAN BEAMISH
GUY WARING
MARK TOMKINS
SIDNEY SMITH
RICHARD HOVEY
EDMUND GOSSE
JONATHAN ASHMORE
BILL WRIGHT
ARTHUR FULLER
RICHARD SAVAGE
MICHAEL WHITEMORE
BUDGE RYAN
CEDRIC HAZLETT
TERRY JONES
MICHAEL PALIN
JOHN GAYNOR
GEORGE COLEMAN
SAMUEL SPURGEON
THOMAS MASSINGER
STEPHEN DAVIS
WALTER CHAPMAN
REGINALD MARWOOD
DAVID GOSCHEN
PETER SCHULMAN
DENNIS FRANKEL
DAVID ROBINSON
PAUL RAYMOND
JOHN WILLDER
JOHNNY LYNN
JOE SHAW
SIMON SMITH
MONTY PYTHON
MICHAEL LAPIN
SYDNEY LOTTERBY
IAN MATHERSON
HUMPHREY BARCLAY
BURT ANCASTER
KIRK OUGLAS
KEN SMITH
GEOFFREY HUGHES
BRIAN FITZJONES
MICHAEL GOWERS
JOHN PENNYCATE
PETER BAKER
NEIL SHAND
(Fade out.)
* * *
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19
* * *
The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Michael Palin
RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Fade in on ordinary interview set. Interviewer sitting with man with large Semitic (Jewish) polystyrene nose.)
Interviewer: Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of Britain's leading skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.
Raymond: That's not my name.
Interviewer: I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.
Raymond: No, no, no - it's spelt Raymond: Luxury Yach-t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.
Interviewer: You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you.
Raymond: Ah, anti-semitism!
Interviewer: Not at all. It's not even a proper nose. (takes it off) It's polystyrene.
Raymond: Give me my nose back.
Interviewer: You can collect it at reception. Now go away.
Raymond: I want to be on the television.
Interviewer: Well you can't.
* * *
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Registry Offic
e
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19
* * *
The cast:
FIRST MAN
Terry Jones
REGISTRAR
Eric Idle
SECOND MAN
Michael Palin
THIRD MAN
Graham Chapman
FOURTH MAN
John Cleese
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(A large sign saying 'Registry Office ', 'Marriages' etc. A man is talking to the registrar.)
First Man: Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.
First Man: Er, no, no. I just want to get married.
Registrar: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.
First Man: Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary because...
Registrar: You see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.
First Man: No, no, I want to get married here.
Registrar: Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.
First Man: Look, I just want you to marry me... to...
Registrar: I want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?
First Man: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.
Registrar: Suits me, sir. Suits me.
First Man: I don't want to marry you!
Registrar: There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.
First Man: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.
Registrar: I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.
First Man: I'm sorry, but...
Registrar: That's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.
First Man: Look, I'm already engaged.
Registrar: (agreeing and thinking) Yes, and I'm already married. Still we'll get round it.
Second Man: (entering) Good morning. I want to get married.
Registrar: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.
Second Man: Well, can I get married after him?
Registrar: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.
Third Man: (entering) I want to get married, please.
Registrar: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.
Third Man: What, those two getting married... Nigel What are you doing marrying him?
Registrar: He's marrying me first, sir.
Third Man: He's engaged to me.
Fourth Man: (big and butch) Come on, Henry.
Registrar: Blimey, the wife.
Second Man: Will you marry me?
Fourth Man: I'm already married.
(Cut to a photo of all five of them standing happily outside a house.)
Voice Over: Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.
* * *
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Election Night Special
From 'Monty Python Live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane'
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch not only was performed on their album 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane', it also appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 19. It was also featured on their other album - ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff'. Please note that the actors that played the roles in the Album versions differs from the TV Series version. To avoid confusion instead of showing the characters names, I have shown the actors names.
* * *
The sketch:
(Racy music)
Cleese: (talking very fast, as do all the commentators): Hello, good evening and welcome to Election Night Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment and we should be getting the first results through any moment now. We're not sure where it will be from, it might be Leicester or from West Byfleet, the polling's been quite heavy in both areas. Ah, I'm just getting... I'm just getting... a buzzing noise in my left ear. Urgh, argh! (removes insect and stamps on it). And now let's go straight over to Leicester.
Palin: And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.
Idle: (clears throat) Here is the result for Leicester. Arthur J. Smith...
Cleese: Sensible Party
Idle: ...30,612. (applause) Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty...
Cleese: Silly Party
Idle: ...33,108. (applause)
Cleese: Well there we have the first result of the election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.
Palin: Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.
Chapman: Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.
Palin: I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29.
Cleese: Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton.
Chapman: Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin- bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.
Woman: Alan Jones...
Cleese: Sensible
Woman: ...9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong...
Cleese: Slightly Silly
Woman: Nought. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuitbarrel...
Cleese: Silly
Woman: 12,441. (applause)
Cleese: Well there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.
Palin: Well this is a very significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.
Cleese: And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.
Idle: Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?
Palin: Ho yus, me old beauty, I should say so. (Silly noises including a goat bleating).
Cleese: And do we have the swing at Luton?
Chapman: Er... no.
Cleese: (pause) Right, well I can't add anything to that. Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?
Cleese: No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another result.
Palin: And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this: in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
Jones: Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Cleese: Silly
Jones: 26,317 (applause). Jeanette Walker...
Cleese: Sensible Jones: 26,318...
Cleese: Very close!
Jones: Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzz
er) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo... Smith.
Cleese: Very Silly
Jones: ...two.
Cleese: Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.
Palin: And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton-Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.
Idle: Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?
Neil Innes: Not at all. As I always say:
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream,
Follow every by-way,
Till you find your dream.
(Sings) A dream that will last
All the love you can give
Every day of your life
For as long as you live.
All together now!
Climb every mountain
Ford every stream...
Cleese: A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.
Palin: And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro-enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.
Cleese: Right. Er, Colin?
Idle: Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?
Cleese: No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy-cat has taken Barrow-in-Furness -- that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency -- an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols -- that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs -- one called Kipper the other not -- have all gone "Ni ni ni ni ni ni!" in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we... Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm bored!
