by Monty Python
(Pull back to reveal that the hand appears to belong to a standard interviewer in two shot. Chair set up with standard interviewee. The interviewer suddenly pulls the hand off, revealing that he has a hook. He throws the hand away and starts the interview.)
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The Man Who Contradicts People
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22, it also appeared on their album 'Monty Python's Previous Record'.
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The cast:
HOST
John Cleese (on the record)
HOST
Michael Palin (in the TV Series)
NORMAN POLEVAULTER
Graham Chapman (on the record)
NORMAN POLEVAULTER
Terry Jones (in the TV Series)
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The sketch:
Host: With me now is Norman St. John Polevaulter, who for the last few years has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?
Polevaulter : I don't!
Host: But you... you told me that you did.
Polevaulter: I most certainly did not!
Host: Oh. I see. I'll start again.
Polevaulter: No you won't!
Host: Ssh! I understand you don't contradict people.
Polevaulter: Yes I do!
Host: And when didn't you start contradicting them?
Polevaulter: I did! In 1952!
Host: 1952.
Polevaulter: 1947!
Host: 23 years ago.
Polevaulter: No!
(GONG!)
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Cosmetic Surgery
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SPECIALIST
John Cleese
RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Cut to profile of Raymond Luxury Yacht from next sketch who has an enormous false polystyrene nose. Superimposed arrow pointing at nose.)
Voice Over: Number nineteen. The nose.
(A man sitting behind a desk in a Harley Street consulting room. Close-up of the name plate on desk in front of him. Although the camera does not reveal this for a moment, this name plate, about two inches high, continues all along the desk, off the side of it at the same height and halfway round the room. We start to track along this name plate on which is written: 'Professor Sir Adrian Furrows F.R.S. F.R.C.S. F.R.C.P. M.D.M.S. (Oxon), Mall Ph.D., M. Se. (Cantab), Ph.D. (Syd), ER.G.S., F.R.C.O.G., F. FM.R.C.S., M.S. (Birm), M.S. (Liv), M.S. (Guadalahara), M.S. (Karach), M.S. (Edin), B.A. (Chic), B. Litt. (Phil), D. Litt (Phil), D. Litt (Arthur and Lucy), D. Litt (Ottawa), D. Litt (All other places in Canada except Medicine Hat, B. Sc. 9 Brussels, Liege, Antwerp, Asse, (and Grower) '. There is a knock on the door.)
Specialist: Come in.
(The door opens and Raymond Luxury Yacht enters. He cannot walk straight to the desk as his passage is barred by the strip of wood carrying the degrees, but he discovers the special hinged part of it that opens like a door. Mr Luxury Yacht has his enormous polystyrene nose. It is a foot long.)
Specialist: Ah! Mr Luxury Yacht. Do sit down, please.
Mr Luxury Yacht: Ah, no, no. My name is spelt 'Luxury Yacht' but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove.
Specialist: Well, do sit down then Mr Throatwobbler Mangrove.
Mr Luxury Yacht: Thank you.
Specialist: Now, what seems to be the trouble?
Mr Luxury Yacht: Um, I'd like you to perform some plastic surgery on me.
Specialist: I see. And which particular feature of your anatomy is causing you distress?
Mr Luxury Yacht: Well, well for a long time now, in fact, even when I was a child ... I ... you know, whenever I left home to ... catch a bus, or... to catch a train... and even my tennis has suffered actually...
Specialist: Yes. To be absolutely blunt you're worried about your enormous hooter.
Mr Luxury Yacht: No!
Specialist: No?
Mr Luxury Yacht: Yes.
Specialist: Yes, and you want me to hack a bit off.
Mr Luxury Yacht: Please.
Specialist: Fine. It is a startler, isn't it. Er, do you mind if I... er.
Mr Luxury Yacht: What?
Specialist: Oh, no nothing, then, well, I'll just examine your nose. (he does so; as he examines it the nose comes off in his hand) Mr Luxury Yacht, this nose of yours is false. It's made of polystyrene and your own hooter's a beaut. No pruning necessary.
Mr Luxury Yacht: I'd still like the operation.
Specialist: Well, you've had the operation, you strange person.
Mr Luxury Yacht: Please do an operation.
Specialist: Well, all right, all right, but only ... if you come on a camping holiday with me.
Mr Luxury Yacht: He asked me! He asked me!
(Cut to lyrical film of Luxury Yacht and specialist, frolicking in countryside in slow motion.)
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Camp Square-bashing
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About the Sketch:
Not only did the sketch appear in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22, it also featured in the Movie - 'And Now For Something Completely Different'
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Cut to interviewer at desk.)
Interviewer: Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer. But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.
Voice Over: Attention
(Eight soldiers in two ranks of four, They halt, and start to chant with precision.)
Soldiers: bly goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty. (shake fists) Two, three, and hopping mad. (stamp feet)
(Cut to interviewer.)
Interviewer: And next the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.
(Cut to sergeant with eight soldiers.)
Sergeant: Squad. Camp it ... up!
Soldiers: (mincing in unison) Oooh get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two three. I'd scratch your eyes out. Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Whoops, don't look now girls the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, 'three, ooh-ho!
(Cut to interviewer.)
Interviewer: And finally...
(ANIMATION: dancing generals, then the story of the killer cars.)
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Cut-price Airlines
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
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The cast:
MAN
Eric Idle
MR. IRRELEVANT
Graham Chapman
MRS. IRRELEVANT
Carol Cleveland
VICAR
Michael Palin
MRS. TURPIN
Terry Jones
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(Cut to air terminal. Pan along official air-terminal-type signs saying BEA, TWA, Air India, BOAC, the Verrifast Plaine Company Ltd. Pan down to reveal a checking-in desk. A man with porter's cap comes in, carrying two bags. He is followed by Mr and Mrs Irrelevant. He puts their cases down, hangs around and gets a tip. He goes behind the counter, takes off his porter's
hat, puts on an airline-pilot-type cap, and puts on a moustache. There is a vicar standing next to him with an eye patch.)
Man: Morning sir, can I help you?
Mr Irrelevant: Er, yes, we've booked on your flight for America.
Man: Oh, we don't fly to America ... (vicar nudges him) Oh, the American flight... Er, on the plane ... oh yes, oh we do that, all right. Safe as houses, no need to panic.
Mrs Irrelevant: Is it really 37/6d?
Man: Thirty bob. I'm robbing myself.
Mr Irrelevant: Thirty bob!
Man: Twenty-five. Two quid the pair of yer. Er, that's without insurance.
Mr Irrelevant: Well, how much is it with insurance?
Man: Hundred and two quid. That's including the flight.
Mr Irrelevant: Do we really need insurance?
Man: No. (vicar nudges him) Yes, essential.
Mr Irrelevant: Well, we'll have it with insurance please.
Man: Right - do you want it with the body and one relative flown back, or you can have both bodies flown back and no relatives, or four relatives, no bodies, and the ashes sent by parcel post.
Mr Irrelevant: How long will it take?
Man: Er, let me put it this way - no idea.
Vicar: Six hours.
Mr Irrelevant: Six?
Man: Five, ten for the pair of you.
Mrs Irrelevant: Oh, is it a jet?
Man: Well, no ... It's not so much of a jet, it's more your, er, Triumph Herald engine with wings.
Mr Irrelevant: When are you taking off?.
Man: 3300 hours.
Mr Irrelevant: What?
Man: 2600 hours for the pair of you.
Mrs Irrelevant: What?
Man: Have the injections, you won't care.
Mr Irrelevant: What injections?
Man: Barley sugar injections. Calm you down. They're compulsory - Board of Trade. Promise. (he holds up his crossed fingers)
Mrs Irrelevant: Oh, I don't like the sound of injections.
Man: (making a ringing sound) Brrp, brrp. (picks up phone) Hello, yes right. (puts phone down) You've got to make your mind up straight away if you're coming or not.
Mr and Mrs Irrelevant: Yes.
Man: Right, you can't change your mind. I'll ring the departure lounge. (picks up phone) Hello? Two more on their way, Mrs Turpin.
(Cut to Mrs Turpin sitting in a suburban lounge. A big sign saying 'Intercontinental Arrivals ', in airport writing, hangs from the ceiling. Mr and Mrs Irrelevant arrive and sit down.)
Mrs Turpin: Now, the duty-free trolley is over there ... there's some lovely drop scones and there's duty-free broccoli and there's fresh eccles cakes. You're allowed two hundred each on the plane. (she picks up teacup and speaks into it) The Verrifast Plane Company announce the departure of flight one to over the hills and far away. Will passengers for flight one, please assemble at gate one. Passengers are advised that there is still plenty of time to buy eccles cakes.
(Man and vicar enter carrying a large wing.)
Man: Nearly ready.
(They take the wing through. Hammering is heard.)
Mrs Turpin: (speaking into cup) All passengers please get ready for their barley sugar injections.
(Japanese pilot comes in.)
Kamikaze: Today we all take vow. Today we smash the enemy fleet... we smash, smash.
(Man and vicar grab him and take him back.)
Mrs Turpin: That's Mr Kamikaze, the pilot, he's very nice really, but make sure he stays clear of battleships.
(Cut to stock film of battleships, steaming on the seas. Stirring music plays over.)
Voice Over: There have been many stirring tales told of the sea and also some fairly uninteresting ones only marginally connected with it, like this one. Sorry, this isn't a very good announcement. Sorry.
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Batley Townswomen's Guild presents the first heart transplant
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
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The cast:
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
RITA FAIRBANKS
Eric Idle
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to quick clip of the Battle of Pearl Harbour from show eleven, first series. Beginning with Eric blowing the whistle and the two sides rushing at each other. Cut back to announcer.)
Announcer: That was last year's re-enactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbour performed by the Batly Townswomen's Guild. It was written, directed and produced by Mrs Rita Fairbanks.
(Cut to Rita Fairbanks on the beach.)
Rita: Hello again.
Voice Over: And what are your ladies going to do for us this year.
Rita: Well, this year we decided to re-enact something with a more modern flavour. We had considered a version of Michael Stewart's speech on Nigeria and there were several votes on the Committee for a staging of Herr Willi Brandt's visit to East Germany, but we've settled instead for a dramatization of the first heart transplant. Incidentally my sister Madge will be playing the plucky little springbok pioneer Christian Barnard.
Voice Over: Well off we go, then with the Barley Townswomen's Guild re-enactment of the first heart transplant.
(Rita Fairbanks blows her whistle. The two groups of ladies rush at each other. They end up in the sea, rolling about splashing, and thumping each other with handbags.)
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The first underwater production of 'Measure for Measure'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22
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The cast:
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
FIRST SHAKESPEARIAN ACTOR
Michael Palin
SECOND SHAKESPEARIAN ACTOR
Terry Jones
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The sketch:
Announcer: (his desk now surrounded by sea) The first heart transplant. But this is not the only open-air production here that has used the sea. Theatrical managers in this area have not been slow to appreciate the sea's tremendous dramatic value. And somewhere, out in this bay, is the first underwater production of 'Measure for Measure'.
(Expanse of sea water, nothing eke at air Dubbed over this is muffled, watery Shakespearian blank verse. We zoom in. Two Shakespearian actors leap up. They take a deep breath and go under again. The dialogue carries on muted. Pull out to see a rowing boat. Shakesperian characters are sitting there waiting for their cue. One of the two characters leaps up and shouts:)
2nd Shakespearian Actor: Servant ho!
(He then goes underwater again. The servant in the boat steps into the water and goes under. Cut to announcer, now up to his waist in sea.)
Announcer: The underwater version of 'Measure for Measure', and further out to sea 'Hello Dolly' is also doing good business.
(We see a buoy, on the top of which is a stiff piece of card which reads 'Hello Dolly, Tonight 7.3o '· There is a muffled watery snatch of Hello Dolly. Swing round to a patch of open sea.)
Announcer: · · · and over there on the oyster beds Formula 2 car racing.
(underwater noises of Formula 2 cars. ANIMATION; a racing car moves over a naked lady, going past a sign saying 'Pit Stop'.)
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Death of Mary, Queen of Scots/Exploding Penguin on TV Set
From 'Another Monty Python Record
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About the Sketch:
This sketch was not only shown in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22, it was performed on their Albums - Another Monty Python Record' and- Monty Python live at City Center'.
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The sketch:
Voice over: Number ninety-seven: a radio.
Radio Announcer: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama series, "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots." Part On
e: The Beginning.
(music)
Man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
Woman's voice: I am!
(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)
(music fades up and out)
Announcer: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately.
(music then sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman screaming. Suddenly it is silent.)
Man's voice: I think she's dead.
Woman's voice: No I'm not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again. then music fades up and out)
Announcer: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier. And now, Radio Four will explode.
(music an then the radio explodes.)
Two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it explodes. One looks at the other
First Pepperpot (Graham Chapman): We'll have to watch the Telly-vision!
Second Pepperpot (John Cleese): Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the television on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top of the television set.)
