by Monty Python
(Rettin rushes into foreground. He is in no way like J. McGrath.)
Rettin: Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello. Marvellous. Marvellous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh this is really great. I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?
Conger: Have you started shooting yet?
McRettin: Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great - great.
Conger: What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?
Rettin: Great. Terrific. Oh it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink, have a drink.
Conger: But which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?
Rettin: Yes, great. Oh, marvellous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What? (to Conger) it's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it is now. I rewrote it. (calls.) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that?
Schlick: No, we didn't.
MeRettin: We didn't. Oh great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling) Scene one's back in everyone. Scene one's back in. Great. Great. (to Conger) This is the scene - outside the tent - it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you want to throw up.
(Cut to ScMick and Conger on the beach.)
Schlick: Now in this scene Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early morning after Walking the huskies to have brunch with the rest of his team. (cut to shot of tent with Bowers, who is black, and Oates, sitting outside) Oates, played by your very own lovely Terence Lemming, who is an English cockney officer seconded to the US Navy, and Bowers played by Seymour Fortescue, the Olympic pole vaulter.
(Film: Scott comes up to them. He has tmo large boxes strapped to his feet to make him look tall.)
Oates: Hi, Lieutenant.
Scott: Hi, Oatesy. Sure is a beautiful day already.
Rettin: (rushing in) Great, great.
Scott: What? What are you saying?
Rettin: I was just saying great, great. Cue Evans.
(Sexy girl with long blond hair comes into shot with short pink fur coat. She walks up to Scott who towers four feet above her as she is walking in a trench.)
Schlick: And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans.
Conger: Miss Evans?
Schlick: Right.
(Miss Evans is now beneath. Scott at knee height.)
Scott: Good morning, Miss Evans.
Evans: Oh, I've forgotten my line.
McRcttin: What's her line? What's her line?
(Girl runs in with script.)
Girl: lt's 'Good morning, Captain Scott'.
Evans: Oh, yeah. 'Good morning, Captain.' Sc'..; oh, I'm just not happy with that line. Could I just say Hi Scottie ?
Rettin: Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Girl: Hi Scarrie Oh, sorry. Hi Stocky! Oh - I'm sorry again. Oh, Jim. I'm lust unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, (goes beserk waving hands) Hi Scottie!
Rettin: Great! We'll shoot it.
Scott: Are you sure that's right?
Rettin: Oh, it's great.
(Gerry Schlick walks into the shot.)
Schlick: Jim.
Rettin: Jim! Jim! Oh, me!
Schlick: Jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
Rettin: Great! Where are they?
Schlick: Where are who?
Rettin: I don't know. I was getting confused.
Schlick: Jim, I feel here, that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Vanilla who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.
Rettin: Great ... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Scott and put a box in Vanilla's trench.
Scott: Say, why don't I take the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench.
Rettin: It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Evans: What was that?
McRettin: Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Scott takes his boxes off and you don't stand in the trench.
Evans: I say my lines out of the trench?
Rettin: Even better. Great.
Evans: But I've never acted out of a trench. I might fall over. It's dangerous.
Rettin: Oh well, could you just try it?
Evans: Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench. I played Miss St John the Baptist in a trench, (she walks along in the trench and we see that she has two boxes strapped to her feet) and I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a furrow so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get yourself a goddamn stunt man. (walks off) I played Miss Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs Jesus Christ in a geological syncline, so don't...
McRettin: Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.
Schlick: But you haven't done a shot.
McRettin: Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)
(The same afternoon.)
Schlick: Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion.
Conger: But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick: What?
Conger: There aren't any lions in the Antarctic.
Schlick: You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion.
Rettin: Got to keep the lion. It's great!
Schlick: Lose the lion.
Rettin: Great. We're losing the lion. Rewrite. Lose the lion everyone. That's fantastic,
Scott: What's this about our losing the lion?
Schlick: Well, Kirk, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little bit, Kirk, angel.
Scott: (loudly) Why?
Schlick: Well, Kirkie, doll, there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.
Scott: (shouts) I get to fight the lion.
Schlick: It'd be silly.
Scott: Listen, I gotta fight the lion. That's what that guy Scott's all about. I know. I've studied him already.
Schlick: But why couldn't you fight a penguin?
Rettin: Great! (falls over)
Scott: Fight a rotten penguin?
Schlick: It needn't be a little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen. An electric penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting people, and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting psssssshhhh in slow motion.
Scott: The lion is in the contract.
Schlick: He fights the lion.
Rettin: Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the penguin. Stand by to shoot. (falls over)
Schlick: Where do they have lions?
Conger: Africa.
Schlick: That's it. Scott's in Africa. As many lions as we need.
Rettin: Great!
Schlick: He's looking for a pole no one else knows about. That ties in with the sand. Right. Paint the sand yellow again. Okay, let's get this show on the road. 'Scott of the Sahara.'
* * *
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Scott of the Sahara
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 23
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
OATES
Terry Jones
SCOTT
Michael Palin
EVANS
Carol Cleveland
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut instantly to sky. CAPTION: 'SCOTT OF THE SAHARA')
Voice Over: Booming out of the p
ages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage shocked a generation.
(Blinding sun. Pan down to Paignton beach. Scott, Evans, Oates and Bowers wearing furs crossing sand on snow shoes. With sledge pulled by motley selection of mongrel dogs, badly disguised as huskies.)
Voice Over: From the same team that brought you ... (the names come out superimposed) 'Lawrence of Glareorgan' ... 'Bridge Over the River Trent' ... 'The Mad Woman of Biggleswade' ... and 'Krakatoa, East of Learnington' ... comes the story of three people and a woman united by fate who set out in search of the fabled Pole of the Sahara and found ... themselves. See ... Lieutenant Scott's death struggle with a crazed desert lion.
(The four are walking along. Suddenly they stop, stare, and react in horror. Scott steps to the front to defend the others. Intercut, non-matching stock shot of lion running out of jungle and leaping at camera. Scott waits poised and is then struck by completely rigid stuffed lion. Montage of shots of him wrestling, firstly with the stuffed lion, then with an actor in a tatty lion suit. The lion picks up a chair, fends Scott off, smashes it over his head. Finally Scott kicks the lion on the shin. The lion leaps around on one leg and picks up a knife. Scott points, the lion looks, Scott kicks the knife out of the lion's paw. He advances on the lion, and socks him on the jaw. The lion collapses in slow motion. After a pause, phoney blood spurts out.)
Voice Over: See Ensign Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine-chilling giant electric penguin...
(Oates looks up in horror, a shadow crosses him. Reverse shot of model penguin (quite small, about a foot) which lights up and looks electric. The penguin is close to the camera in the foreground and appears huge. Oates looks around desperately then starts to undress. Shot of penguin throwing tentacle. Half-nude Oates struggles with it. Intercut a lot of phoney reverses. Oates by now clad only in posing briefs sees a stone. He picks up the stone, then camera zooms into above-naval shot; he removes his briefs, puts the stone in the briefs, twirls it like a sling, and releases stone. The penguin is hit on beak, and falls over backwards.)
Voice Over: ... See Miss Evans pursued by the man-eating roll-top writing desk.
(Miss Evans is running along screaming. Shot of desk chasing her (phoney desk with man inside). The roll top goes up and down, emitting roars, and displaying fearsome white teeth inside. As Evans runs, her clothing gets torn on each of the three cactuses. These are well spaced apart so that there is a lot of trouble to get near them. When she is practically nude, she runs out of shot revealing the announcer.)
Announcer: And now for something completely different.
* * *
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Fish License
From 'Monty Python's Previous Record'
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch was not only shown in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 23, it appeared on their album - Another Monty Python's Previous Record'. It was also featured on their other albums 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK Version), ''Monty Python's The Final Ripoff' 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff' and 'Lust for Glory'.
* * *
The cast:
PRALINE
John Cleese
CLERK
Michael Palin
SINGER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Praline: (whistles a bit, then) Hello. I would like to buy a fish license, please.
Postal clerk: A what?
Praline: A license for my pet fish, Eric.
Clerk: How did you know my name was Eric?
Praline: No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.
Clerk: What?
Praline: He is an halibut.
Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?
Praline: Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
Clerk: You must be a loony.
Praline: I am not a loony. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon - you wouldn't call him a loony! Furthermore Dawn Pathorpe, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an 'addock! So if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Clerk: All right, all right, all right. A license?
Praline: Yes!
Clerk: For a fish.
Praline: Yes!
Clerk: You *are* a loony.
Praline: Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, I've got a license for me pet cat Eric.
Clerk: You don't need a license for your cat.
Praline: I bleedin' well do and I've got one! Can't be caught out there!
Clerk: There is no such thing as a bloody Cat license.
Praline: Yes there is.
Clerk: No there isn't.
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: Is!
Clerk: Isn't!
Praline: What's that then?
Clerk: This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in, in crayon.
Praline: Man didn't have the right form.
Clerk: What man?
Praline: The man from the cat detector van.
Clerk: The loony detector van, you mean.
Praline: Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.
Clerk: What cat detector van?
Praline: The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
Clerk: Housinge?
Praline: It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I never seen so many bleedin' aerials. The man said their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards, and Eric being such a happy cat was a piece of cake.
Clerk: How much did you pay for this?
Praline: Sixty quid and eight for the fruit-bat.
Clerk: What fruit-bat?
Praline: Eric the fruit-bat.
Clerk: Are all your pets called Eric?
Praline: There's nothing so odd about that. Kemel Attaturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul.
Clerk: No he didn't.
Praline: Did!
Clerk: Didn't!
Praline: Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Clerk: Oh all right.
Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
Clerk: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
NB: The TV Version continues.....the album version continues below
Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor.
(Fanfare of trumpets. Mayor gorgeously dressed with dignitaries enters flanked by trumpeters.)
Clerk: You're in luck.
(In long shot now. The Mayor, who is nine foot high, and dignitaries approach a startled Praline. Organ music below a reverent voice over)
********** TV Version finishes - continuation of Album Version **********
Praline: In that case give me a bee license.
Clerk: A license for your pet bee.
Praline: Correct.
Clerk: Called Eric? Eric the bee?
Praline: No.
Clerk: No?
Praline: No, Eric the half bee. He had an accident.
Clerk: You're off your chump.
Praline: Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or even to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the half bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this. Take it away, Eric the orchestra-leader.
&nb
sp; Singer: A one, two, a one two three four!
Praline (sings):
Half a bee, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see?
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee
When half the bee is not a bee
Due to some ancient injury?
Chorus: La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.
Praline: Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half-asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee!
Chorus: Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
Eric the half a bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.
Praline: I love this hive, implore ye-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.
Chorus: He loves him carnally,
Semi-carnally.
Praline: The end.
Clerk: Cyril Connolly?
Praline: No, semi-carnally!
Clerk: Oh.
Chorus: Cyril Connolly. (Whistle end of tune.)
* * *
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Derby Council vs. All Blacks Rugby Match /
Long John Silver Impersonators vs. Bournemouth Gynaecologists
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 23
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PRALINE
John Cleese
