by Monty Python
(Her four companions continue to knit.)
Second Pepperpot: I'm going down the shops.
First Pepperpot: Oh, be a dear and get me some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.
Second Pepperpot: Aye, aye, captain. (goes out)
(Attention noise from the communication tube. A red light flashes by it.)
Voice: Coo-ee. Torpedo bay.
First Pepperpot: Yoo-hoo. Torpedo bay.
Third Pepperpot: She said torpedo bay.
First Pepperpot: Yes, she did, she did.
Fourth Pepperpot: Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she did.
Voice: Mrs Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube.
First Pepperpot: Roger, Mrs Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt.
All: Stand by to fire Mrs Nesbitt.
First Pepperpot: Red alert, put the kettle on.
Voice: Kettle on.
First Pepperpot: Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.
Voice: Standing by to feed the cat.
First Pepperpot: Fire Mrs Nesbitt.
(ANIMATION: a pepperpot is fired from a torpedo tube through the water, until she travels head first into a battleship with a load clang.)
Mrs Nesbitt: Oh, that's much better.
(Cut to a letter as in the last series, plus voice reading it.)
Voice Over: As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks...
(Cut to a man at a desk.)
Presenter: I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.
(Cut to man with a stone through his head. He bows. Cut to film of Women's Institute applauding.)
* * *
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Lifeboat (Cannibalism)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch Not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26, it was also performed on the Album - Another Monty Python Record, however it was titled - Still No Sign Of Land
* * *
The cast:
SAILOR #1
Michael Palin
SAILOR #2
Graham Chapman
SAILOR #3
Eric Idle
SAILOR #4
Terry Jones
SAILOR #5
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Scene: The interior of a lifeboat. Seagulls are crying.)
Sailor #1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor #2: That's a rather personal question, sir.
Sailor #1: (low voice)You stupid git. I meant how long has it been in the lifeboat? You've destroyed the atmosphere now.
Sailor #2: I'm sorry.
Sailor #1: Shut up. Start again.
Sailor #1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor #2: 33 days, sir.
Sailor #1: Thirty-three days?
Sailor #2: We can't go on much longer. (low voices) I didn't think I destroyed the atmosphere.
Sailor #1: Shut up.
Sailor #2: Well, I don't think I did.
Sailor #1: 'Course you did.
Sailor #2: (aside, to 3) Did you think I destroyed the atmosphere?
Sailor #3: Yes I think you did.
Sailor #1: Shut up. Shut up!
Sailor #1: Still no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor #2: 33 days, sir.
Sailor #4: Have we started again? (slap)
Sailor #1: STILL no sign of land. How long is it?
Sailor #2: 33 days, sir.
Sailor #1: Thirty-three days?
Sailor #2: We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day.
Sailor #5: We're done for, we're done for!
Sailor #1: Shut up, Morley.
Sailor #2: We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.
Sailor #4: How we feeling, Captain?
Sailor #5: Not too good. I...I feel so weak.
Sailor #2: We can't hold out much longer.
Sailor #5: Listen...chaps...there's still a chance. I'm...done for, I've...got a gamy leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. But...some of you might. So...you'd better eat me.
Sailor #1: Eat you, sir?
Sailor #5: Yes. Eat me.
Sailor #2: Iiuuhh! With a gamy leg?
Sailor #5: You didn't eat the leg, Thompson. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.
Sailor #3: It's not just the leg, sir.
Sailor #5: What do you mean?
Sailor #5: Well, sir...it's just that -
Sailor #5: Why don't you want to eat me?
Sailor #3: I'd rather eat Johnson, sir! (points to sailor #4)
Sailor #2: So would I, sir.
Sailor #5: I see.
Sailor #4: Well that's settled then...everyone's gonna eat me!
Sailor #1: Uh, well.
Sailor #5: What, sir?
Sailor #1:: No, no you go ahead, please, I won't.......
Sailor #4: Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving; ducking.
Sailor #1: No, no, it's not that.
Sailor #2: What's the matter with Johnson, sir?
Sailor #1: Well, he's not kosher.
Sailor #3: That depends how we kill him, sir.
Sailor #1: Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank I...I like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.
Sailor #2: Oh well, all right.
Sailor #5: I still prefer Johnson.
Sailor #5: I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
Sailor #2: Look. I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Johnson. And you, sir, can have my leg. And we make some stock from the Captain, and then we'll have Johnson cold for supper.
Sailor #1: Good thinking, Hodges.
Sailor #4: And we'll finish off with the peaches. (picks up a tin of . peaches)
Sailor #3: And we can start off with the avocados. (picks up two avocados) Sailor #1: Waitress! (a waitress walks in) We've decided now, we're going to have leg of Hodges...
(Boos off-screen. Cut to a letter.)
Voice Over: Dear Sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs? Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
* * *
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The Undertakers Sketch
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26
* * *
About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 26, it was also featured on their albums 'Another Monty Python Record' and 'Monty Python's The Final Ripoff'
* * *
The cast:
MAN
John Cleese
UNDERTAKER
Graham Chapman
FRED
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Man: (entering a shop) Um, excuse me, is this the undertaker's?
Undertaker: Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?
Man: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
Undertaker: Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.
Man: (aghast) Stiffs?
Undertaker: Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man: Dump her?
Undertaker: Dump her in the Thames.
Man: (still aghast) What?
Undertaker: Oh, did you like her?
Man: Yes!
Undertaker: Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think: burn her, or bury her?
Man: Um, well, um, which would you recommend?
Undertaker: Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man: (timidly) Oh.
Undertaker: Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.
Man: I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.
Undertaker: Where is she?
Man: In the sack.
Undertaker: Let's 'ave a look.
(FX: rustle of bag opening)
Undertaker: Umm, she looks quite young.
Man: Yes, she was.
Undertaker: (over his shoulder) FRED!
Fred: (offstage) Yea!
Undertaker: I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!
Fred: I'll get the oven on!
Man: Um, er...excuse me, um, are you... are you suggesting we should eat my mother?
(pause)
Undertaker: Yeah. Not raw, not raw. We cook her. She'd be delicious with a few french fries, a bit of stuffing. Delicious! (smacks his lips)
Man: What! (he stammers)
(pause)
Man: Actually, I do feel a bit peckish - No! NO, I can't!
Undertaker: Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.
Man: All right.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
SERIES THREE
TWENTY-SEVEN - Titled: "Whicker's World and released on 19th October 1972
Court Scene - Multiple Murderer
Icelandic Saga
Court Scene (Viking)
Stock Exchange Report
Burying the Cat
Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion Visit Jean-Paul Sartre
Whicker Island
TWENTY-EIGHT - (Untitled)
First shown on 26th October 1972
Emigration from Surbiton to Hounslow
Schoolboys' Life Assurance Company
How to Rid the World of All Known Diseases
Mrs. Niggerbaiter Explodes
Vicar/Salesman
Farming Club
'Life of Tschaikowsky'
Trim-Jeans Theatre
Fish-slapping Dance
World War One
The BBC is Short of Money
Puss in Boots
It's Man Show
TWENTY-NINE - (Untitled)
First shown on 2nd November 1972
'The Money Programme'
Erizabeth L
Fraud Film Squad
Salvation Fuzz (Dead Bishop)
Jungle Restaurant
Apology for Violence and Nudity
Ken Russell's 'Gardening Club'
The Lost World of Roiurama
Six More Minutes of Monty Python's Flying Circus
Argument Clinic
Hitting on the Head Lessons
Inspector Flying Fox of the Yard
One More Minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus
THIRTY - (Untitled)
First shown on 9th November 1972
'Blood, Devastation, Death, War, and Horror'
The Man Who Speaks in Anagrams
Anagram Quiz
Merchant Banker
Pantomime Horses
Life and Death Struggles
Mary Recruitment Office
Bus Conductor Sketch
The Man Who Makes People Laugh Uncontrollably
Army Captain as Clown
Gestures to Indicate Pauses in a Televised Talk
Neurotic Announcers
'The Pantomime Horse is a Secret Agent film'
THIRTY-ONE - Titled: "The All-England Summarize Proust Competition"
First shown on 16th November 1972
'Summarize Proust Competition'
Hairdressers' Ascent Up Mount Everest
Fire Brigade
Our Eamonn
'Party Hints' with Veronica Smalls
Language Laboratory
Travel Agent
Watney's Red Barrel
Anne Elk's Theory on Brontosauruses
THIRTY-TWO - (Untitled)
First shown on 23rd November 1972
Tory Housewives Clean-up Campaign
Gumby Brain Specialist
Molluscs - 'Live' TV Documentary
The Minister for Not Listening to People
Tuesday Documentary
Children's Story
Party Political Broadcast
Apology (Politicians)
Expedition to Lake Pahoe
The Silliest Interview We've Ever Had
The Silliest Sketch We've Ever Done
THIRTY-THREE - (Untitled)
First shown on 30th November 1972
Biggles Dictates a Letter
Climbing the North Face of the Uxbridge Road
Lifeboat
Old Lady Snoopers
'Storage Jars'
The Show so Far
The Cheese Shop
Philip Jenkinson on Cheese Westerns
Sam Peckinpah's 'Salad Days'
Apology
The News with Richard Baker
Seashore Interlude Film
THIRTY-FOUR - Titled: "The Cycling Tour"
First shown on 7th December 1972
Mr. Pither
Clodagh Rogers
Trotsky
Smolensk
Bingo-crazed Chinese
'Jack in a Box'
THIRTY-FIVE - (Untitled)
First shown on 14th December 1972
Bomb on Plane
A Naked Man
Ten Seconds of Sex
Housing Project Built by Characters from Nineteenth-century English Literature
M1 Interchange Built by Characters from 'Paradise Lost'
Mystico and Janet - Flats Built by Hypnosis
'Mortuary Hour'
The Olympic Hide-and-seek Final
The Cheap-Laughs
Bull-fighting
The British Well-Basically Club
Prices on the Planet Algon
THIRTY-SIX - (Untitled)
First shown on 21st December 1972
Tudor Jobs Agency
Pornographic Bookshop
Elizabethan Pornography Smugglers
Silly Disturbances (the Rev. Arthur Belling)
The Free Repetition of Doubtful Words Sketch, by an Underrated Author
'Is There?'... Life after Death?
The Man Who Says Words in the Wrong Order
Thripshaw's Disease
Silly Noises
Sherry-drinking Vicar
THIRTY-SEVEN - (Untitled)
First shown on 4th January 1973
'Boxing Tonight' - Jack Bodell vS. Sir Kenneth Clark
Dennis Moore
Lupins
What the Stars Foretell
Doctor
TV4 or Not TV4' Discussion
Dennis Moore Rides Again
Ideal Loon Exhibition
Off-licence
'Prejudice'
THIRTY-EIGHT - (Untitled)
First shown on 11th January 1973
Party Political Broadcast (Choreographed)
'A Book at Bedtime - Redgauntlet'
Kamikaze Scotsmen
No Time to Lose
Penguins (inc BBC Programme Planners)
/>
Unexploded Scotsmen
'Spot the Looney'
Rival Documentaries
'Dad's Doctors' and other stories
THIRTY-NINE - Titled: "Grandstand"
First shown on 18th January 1973
Thames TV Introduction
'Light Entertainment Awards' with Dickie Attenborough
The Oscar Wilde Sketch
Charwoman
David Niven's Fridge
Pasolini's Film 'The Third Test Match'
New Brain from Curry's
Blood Donor
International Wife-swapping
Credits of the Year
Back to the 'Light Entertainment Awards'
The Dirty Vicar Sketch
back
Court Scene - Multiple Murder
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 27
* * *
The cast:
JUDGE
Terry Jones
RANDALL
Eric Idle
FIRST POLICEMAN
Graham Chapman
COUNSEL
John Cleese
FOREMAN
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a courtroom. Severe atmosphere.)
Judge: Michael Norman Randall, you have been found guilty of the murder of Arthur Reginald Webster, Charles Patrick Trumpington, Marcel Agnes Bernstein, Lewis Anona Rudd, John Malcolm Kerr, Nigel Sinclair Robinson, Norman Arthur Potter, Felicity Jayne Stone, Jean-Paul Reynard, Rachel Shirley Donaldson, Stephen Jay Greenblatt, Karl-Heinz Mullet, Belinda Anne Ventham, Juan-Carlos Fernandez, Thor Olaf Stensgaard, Lord Kimberrley of Pretoria, Lady Kimberley of Pretoria, The Right Honourable Nigel WarmsIcy Kimberley, Robert Henry Noonan and Felix James Bennett, on or about the morning of the 19th December 1972. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?
Randall: Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.
