by Monty Python
Graham Chapman
CHURCH POLICEMAN
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a kitchen. A man and woman listening to a radio.)
Radio Voice: I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.
Man's Voice: Gerald?
Another Voice: Well I'd annex the Sudetenland and sign a non-aggression pact with Russia.
First Man's Voice: Norman?
Norman's Voice: Well I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.
Woman: (switching the radio off) Liberal rubbish. Klaus ... what do you want with your jugged fish?
Man: Halibut.
Woman: The jugged fish is halibut.
Man: What fish have you got that isn't jugged, then?
Woman: Rabbit.
Man: What? Rabbit fish?
Woman: Yes. It's got fins.
Man: Is it dead?
Woman: Well, it was coughing up blood last night.
Man: All right I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
CAPTION: 'ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER'
Man: Well that was really horrible.
Woman: You're always complaining.
Man: What's for afters?
Woman: Well there's rat cake ... rat sorbet... rat pudding... or strawberry tart.
Man: Strawberry tart?!
Woman: Well it's got some rat in it.
Man: How much?
Woman: Three, rather a lot really.
Man: ... well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
CAPTION: 'ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER'
Man: Appalling.
Woman: Moan, moan, moan.
(Enter their son.)
Son: Hello, mum, hello, dad.
Man: Hello, son.
Son: There's a dead bishop on the landing.
Woman: Where did that come from?
Son: What do you mean?
Woman: What's its diocese?
Son: Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me.
Man: I'll go and have a look. (goes out)
Woman: I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.
Son: Well it's not me.
Woman: I've put three out by the bin and the dustmen won't touch 'em.
Man: (coming back) Leicester.
Woman: How do you know?
Man: Tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm going to call the police.
Woman: Shouldn't you call the Church?
Son: Call the Church police.
Man: ,.. all fight. (shouts) The Church police!
(Enter two policemen with ecclesiastical accoutrements.)
Church Policeman: Yus!
Woman: There's another dead bishop on the landing.
Church Policeman: Suffragan or diocesan?
Woman: How should I know?
Church Policeman: It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?
Woman: Yes.
Church Policeman: Disgusting. Right! The hunt is on. (kneels) Oh Lord we beseech thee tell us who croaked Leicester.
(Organ music. A huge hand descends and points at the man.)
Man: All right, it's a fair cop, but society is to blame.
Church Policeman: Agreed.
Man: I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration.
Church Policeman: Right. And now, I'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.
All: (singing) And did those feet in ancient times walk upon England's mountains green. (policemen escort the man out) And was the holy lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures seen.
* * *
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Jungle Restaurant
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
* * *
The cast:
FIRST EXPLORER
John Cleese
SECOND EXPLORER
Eric Idle
THIRD EXPLORER
Graham Chapman
FOURTH EXPLORER
Carol Cleveland
AKWEKWE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(A steamy tropical jungle. A native guide leads four explorers in pith helmets and old-fashioned long shorts through the jungle. Cicada sounds and shrieks of predatory jungle birds. Intercut close ups of perspiring foreheads etc. The native guide keeps beckoning them to hurry. The jungle appears to get thicker: they have to push their way through the undergrowth. Finally the guide stops and points, with eyes staring. The four explorers duster round and look over his shoulder. A neat clearing in the thick efthe jungle. Tables set as in a London bistro with check cloths and big wooden pepper mills, candles and menus standing on each table. Sitting at the tables are six other explorers in pith helmets etc., eating and chatting. Clink of coffee cups.
First Explorer: What a simply super little place!
Second Explorer: Yes, they've done wonders with it. You know this used to be one of the most swampy disease infested areas of the whole jungle, and they've turned it into this smashing little restaurant. (across the restaurant the head waiter appears, dressed in black tie and tails just a bit too big for him; he beckons them to a table) Here you are Omkami, thank you. Hello, Mr Akwekwe.
Akwekwe: Hello, Mr Spare-Buttons-Supplied-With-The- Shirt. Nice to see you again.
Second Explorer: These are some of my fellow explorers: Sir Charles Farquarson, Briar Bailey, Betty Bailey and this is Mr Akwekwe, who started the whole place.
Third Explorer: It really is super.
Fourth Explorer: (who is dressed as a man and has a moustache) Terrific idea.
Akwekwe: May I recommend the alligator purees.
(Suddenly there is a hideous scream. We see a gorilla tear a man from his table at the back of the restaurant, in front of a tree and drag him back into the jungle. Awful shrieks are heard. Akwekwe runs into the jungle shouting, Terrible sounds of the unseen fight. Thrashing about of bushes in the distance. A shot rings out. Then silence also rings out. Akwekwe emerges, dragging the inert body of the cash customer whom he puts back in his chair. He slumps forward. Akwekwe comes back to the table in the foreground which has remained in the foreground throughout this preceding shot, with cut ins of the fiur explorers looking through the menu. Akwekwe has a bloodstained claw mark right across his face and chest and his dic.ty is torn and bloodstained.
Akwekwe: Now then, have you decided?
(He produces a notepad such as waiters always carry.)
Second Explorer: Ye-es ... Well there's two avocado vinaigrette here and what are you going to have Briar?
Fourth Explorer: Er quiche lorraine for me, please.
Akwekwe: Right, so that's two avocado, one quiche ...
(Cut to close up of pigmy's evil face parting leaves and firing a blow-pipe. Cut to another table where two explorers are having coffee and cigars. One of them stiffens and then slumps forward. Cut to Akwekwe at the main table registering what has happened. We pan with him as he rushes over to the bushes. Sound of pigmies retreating into the bushes. Akwekwe shouts after him. We pan with Akwekwe as he walks over to the table where the customer has slumped f0rward. He pulls him up, looks at dart sticking out of his chest, tut tuts with annoyance and lets him slump back on to the table again. He returns to the main table.)
Akwekwe: So, that's two avocado, one quiche ...
Third Explorer: And a soup of the day.
Akwekwe: Right. (sinister sound of jungle drums in distance; close up of look of fear in Akwekwe's eyes) And to follow?
Second Explorer: Two chicken a la reine, with sauce provencale.
First Explorer: And one scampi desiree.
Third Explorer: And boeuf bourguignon with a green salad.
(Jungle drums getting louder. Akwekwe shouts off towards the back of the clearing where we assume the kitchens mast be.)
Akwekwe: Right on. Two chicken!
One scampi! One boeuf with green salad!
(He casts yet another fiarful glance in the direction of the ever-increasing drum beats.)
Akwekwe: There may be ... a little delay.
Second Explorer: That's fine but we have to be out by three.
Akwekwe: Yes, sir. Yes, we'll try.
(The drum beats get louder. Shot of forest, rustling of bushes. Close up of Akwekwe's eyes. Another shot of forest. Drum beats louder. More rustling. Close up of Akwekwe's eyes and sweating forehead. Forest again and more noise. Close up of Akwekwe; he now has blood on his face, his eyes dilate with fear, the drum beats became deafening. Sudden cut to BBC world symbol.)
* * *
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Apology for Violence and Nudity
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
* * *
The sketch:
Voice Over (Eric Idle): The BBC would like 'to announce that the next scene is not considered suitable for family viewing. It contains scenes of violence, involving people's heads and arms getting chopped off, their ears nailed to trees, and their toenails pulled out in slow motion. There are also scenes of naked women with floppy breasts, and also at one point you can see a pair of buttocks and there's another bit where I'll swear you can see everything, but my friend says it's just the way he's holding the spear. (pulling himself together) Because of the unsuitability of the scene, the BBC will be replacing it with a scene from a repeat of 'Gardening Club' for I958.
(A beautiful well-stocked garden bed. 'Gardening Club' music. After two seconds there are shrieks of licentious and lustful laughter. A nude woman pursues a city gent, both screaming with pleasure, into the middle of the flowerbed and they roll around smashing up the flowers in unbridled erotic orgy. Immediately two nuns run in to join the fun, followed by two Vikings, a gumby, a pantomime goose, etc. The whole of this orgy is speeded up.)
CAPTION: 'KEN RUSSELL'S GARDENING CLUB (I958)'
Voice Over: And now back to the story.
* * *
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Ken Russell's 'Gardening Club
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
* * *
The cast:
FIRST EXPLORER
John Cleese
SECOND EXPLORER
Eric Idle
THIRD EXPLORER
Graham Chapman
FOURTH EXPLORER
Carol Cleveland
NATIVE
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'KEN RUSSELL'S GARDENING CLUB (I958)'
Voice Over: And now back to the story.
(Cut to the edge of the jungle. Emerging from the dense undergrowth are two pigm y warriors pulling the fiur explorers who are roped together. The pigmies carry spears. We lose the pigmies and hold just the explorers in frame, and track with them.)
Third Explorer: That was a nasty business back at the restaurant.
First Explorer: Yes, I thought most places took Barclaycard nowadays.
Second Explorer: Where do you think they're taking us, Brian?
Fourth Explorer: God knows!
Third Explorer: (pointing, eyes wide with amazement) Look!
(Cut to a stock shot of a volcano. Thrilling chord. Cut back to explorers.)
Second Explorer: (filled with awe) The sacred volcano Andu! Which no man has seen before.
Third Explorer: No, no, no, next to that.
(Cut to stock shot of collection of big chimneys in a brickworks. Another thrilling chord. Cut back to explorers.)
First Explorer: The London Brick Company?
Third Explorer: No, no, no, no - next to that.
(Cut to stock shot of plateau of Roiurama. Yet another thrilling chord. Cut back to explorers.)
First Explorer: The forbidden plateau of Roiurama, the Lost World, thrown up by mighty earth movements thousands of millions of years ago, where strange primeval creatures defying evolution, lurk in the dark, impenetrable forests, cut off forever from the outside world.
Second Explorer: I still can't see it.
Fourth Explorer: You don't think that's where they're taking us?
Third Explorer: Yes, and God knows what we'll find there.
(A pigmy native rushes up from behind them, holding a script.)
Native: What page please?
Second Explorer: What?
Native: (with a trace of irritation) What page in the script?
Second Explorer: (whispered) Page 7.
Native: (he speaks the lines over to himself) 'Come on, you dogs, we have far to go. We must lose no time'. (tries with eyes shut) 'Come on, you dogs, we have far to go. We must lose no time'. 'Come on you dogs'. (throws away the script, starts to push them roughly) Come on you dogs, we have time to lose, this has gone too far.
(Stock film of Houses of Parliament from across the Thames.)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Lost World of Roiurama
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Graham Chapman
OUR HERO
Terry Jones
HARGREAVES
Michael Palin
FIRST EXPLORER
John Cleese
SECOND EXPLORER
Eric Idle
THIRD EXPLORER
Graham Chapman
FOURTH EXPLORER
Carol Cleveland
DIRECTOR
Terry Jones
INSPECTOR
Eric Idle
CONTINUITY VOICE
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Voice Over: Meanwhile back in London ... at the British Explorers' Club in the Mall...
(Cut to the hallway of a London club. In four leather armchairs sit men in polar explorers' kit -furs, iced-over goggles, etc. - reading newspapers. At one chair sits a man in Norfolk jacket and plus fours. Around his neck he wean a sign saying 'Our Hero'. He is reading a newspaper but obviously has something else on his mind. Suddenly he throws the paper down and gets up. He walks over to the porter's desk. As he does this a polar expedition with four huskies, a sled, and two explorers pass him. Our Hero goes up to the desk. A whiskery old porter stands behind it.)
Our Hero: Any news of Betty Bailey's expedition, Hargreaves?
Hargreaves: Er ... um ... er...
Our Hero: (through clenched teeth) Page 9...
Hargreaves: (thumbing over page of script beneath counter) 'The Lost World of Roiurama'.
Our Hero: That's my line.
Hargreaves: Oh, sorry. 'Where were they going, sir'?
Our Hero: The Lost World of Roiurama.
Hargreaves: Yes sir, we've got a telegram.
Our Hero: OH
Hargreaves: (reads it) Reads it. Expedition superb. Weather excellent. Everything wonderful.
Our Hero: I wonder what's gone wrong.
Hargreaves: For God's sake be careful...
Our Hero: (irritably) Wait a minute... I'm going to go... after them.
Hargreaves: For God's sake be careful, sir.
(Cut to film of the lost world. Tropical South American vegetation. Our four explorers from Jungle Restaurant & Ken Russell's Gardening Club sketches limp along exhaustedly.)
Second Explorer: My God, Betty, we're done for...
Third Explorer: We'll never get out of here... we're completely lost, lost. Even the natives have gone.
First Explorer: Goodbye Betty, Goodbye Farquarson. Goodbye Brian. It's been a great expedition...
(Music. Cut to engraving of Crystal Palace.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'CRYSTAL PALACE 1851'
(Cut immediately back to jungle.)
First Explorer: Great expedition .. ·
Third Explorer: All that'll b
e left of us will be a map, a compass and a few feet of film, recording our last moments...
First Explorer: Wait a moment!
Fourth Explorer: What is it?
First Explorer: If we're on film, there must be someone filming us.
Second Explorer: My God, Betty, you're right!
(They all look around, then gradually all notice the camera. They break out in smiles of relief, come towards the camera and greet the camera crew.)
Third Explorer: Look! Great to see you!
First Explorer: What a stroke of luck!
Camera Crew: Hello! ...
First Explorer: Wait a minute!
Fourth Explorer: What is it again?
First Explorer: If this is the crew who were filming us . .. who's filming us now? Look!
(Cut to another shot which includes the first camera flew and yet another camera crew with all their equipment. The director is dressed the same as Yakomoto, the director in 'Erizabeth L', only he is blacked up.)
Director: (African accent) Cut there man! No! No good! How we going to get feeling of personal alienation of self from society with this load of Bulldog Drummond crop? When I was doing 'La Notte' wi' dot Monica Vitti gal she don't gimme none of this empire building shit, man ...
(Camera pans slightly to reveal a door in jungle. It opens and an inspector enters.)
Inspector: Not so fast, Akarumba! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Baboon of Scodand Yard's Special Fraud Film Director Squad, Jungle Division.
Fourth Explorer: Baboon of the Yard!
Inspector: Shut up! (shoots her) Right, Akarumba! I'm arresting you for impersonating Signor Michelangelo Antonioni, an Italian film director who co-scripts all his own films, largely jettisoning narrative in favour of vague incident and relendess character study . . . (during this harangue the credits start to roll, music very faint beneath his words) ... In his first film: 'Cronaca Di Un Areore' (1950), the couple are brought together by a shared irrational guilt. 'L'Amico' followed in 1955, and 1959 saw the first of Antonioni's world-famous trilogy, 'L'Aw entura' - an acute study of boredom, restlessness and the futilities and agonies of purposeless living. In 'L'Eclisse', three years later, this analysis of sentiments is taken up once again. 'We do not have to know each other to love', says the heroine, 'and perhaps we do not have to love...' The 'Eclipse' of the emotions finally casts its shado~n when darkness descends on a street corner. (the credits end; voice and picture start to fade)... Signor Antonioni first makes use of colour to underline...
