by Monty Python
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Army Captain as Clown
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
CITY GENT
Terry Jones
BOSS
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to backdrop of a circus ring. In front of it, as if in the ring, stand the RSM and Mr Man. Mr Man is as before. The RSM is dressed the same except that over his uniform he wears baggy trousers and braces and a funny nose. He is responding to the audience applause. Mr Man has obviously just been drenched with hot water - he is soaked and steam is rising.)
RSM: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you and now for the fish - the fish down the trousers. (the RSM picks up fish and puts it down Mr Man's trousers) It's your laugh mate it's not mine. It's your trousers - not my trousers - it's your trousers - and now for the whitewash. (the RSM pours a bucket of whitewash over him) The whitewash over you - not over me. It's over you. You get the laugh. You get all .the laughs. And now for the custard pie in the mush. (more laughter, the RSM puts custard pie in his face and knees him in the balls) It's not my mush - it's your mush. It's your laugh - it's your laugh mate - not mine. It's your bleeding laugh.
(Cut to stock film of Mr Heath laughing followed by stock film of Women's Institute applauding.)
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Gestures to indicate pauses in televised talk
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
MR. ORBITER
Michael Palin
ADRIAN
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
CAPTION: 'THE STORY OF HOLLAND'S MOST FAMOUS APERITIF'
(Mr Orbiter-5 is sitting in a swivel chair facing camera in a TV presentation set. Behind him is a set with enormous lettering which says 'Is the Queen sane?' Zoom in on Mr Orbleer-5. He starts talking immediately)
Mr Orbiter: Good evening. Well tonight, we are going to talk about... well that is... I am going to talk about... well actually I am talking about it now... well I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking... I know I'm pausing occasionally, and not talking during the pauses, but the pauses are pan of the whole process of talking... when one talks one has to pause... er ... like then! I paused ... but I was still talking ... and again there! No the real point of what I'm saying is that when I appear not to be talking don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on ... buttering scones... or getting crumbs and bits of food out of those round brown straw mats that the teapot goes on... because in all probability I'm still talking and what you heard was a pause ... er ... like there again. Look! To make it absolutely easier, so there's no problem at all, what I'll do, I'll give you some kind of sign, like this (makes a gesture) while I'm still talking, and only pausing in between words... and when I've finished altogether I'll do this. (he sits upright and filch his arms) All right?
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE END'
Mr Orbiter: No, no! No sorry - just demonstrating... haven't finished. Haven't started yet. (the caption is removed; he sits and tries to gather his thoughts then suddenly, remembers) Oh dear. (does the gesture hastily) Nearly forgot the gesture. Hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen, getting bits of food out of those round brown mats which the teapot... Good evening (gesture) Tonight I want to talk about...
(Cut to the BBC world symbol.)
Adrian: (voice over) We interrupt this programme to annoy you and make things generally irritating for you.
(Cut back to Mr Orbiter-5.)
Mr Orbiter: ... with a large piece of wet paper. (gesture) Turn the paper over - turn the paper over keeping your eye on the camel, and paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform, until the word 'Maudlin' is almost totally obscured. (gesture) Well, that's one way of doing it. (gesture)
(Cut to the BBC world symbol again and hold throughout the following dialogue.)
Adrian: (voice over) Good evening, we interrupt this programme again, a, to irritate you and, b, to provide work for one of our announcers.
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Neurotic Announcers
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
JACK
Jone Cleese
JOE-JUMS
Carol Cleveland
DICK
Michael Palin
BAKER
Richard Baker
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The sketch:
Jack: (voice over) Good evening, I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the BBC and I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the BBC for providing me with work, particularly at this time of year, when things are a bit thin for us announcers ... um ... I don't know whether I should tell you this, but, well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. Things have been pretty awful at home. My wife, Josephine... 'Joe-jums' as I call her ... who is also an announcer...
Joe-jums: Hello.
Jack: ... has not been able to announce since our youngest, Clifford, was born, and, well, (tearfully) I've just got no confidence left ... I can't get up in the morning... I feel. there's nothing worth living for... (he starts to sob)
Dick: Hello, I'm another announcer, my name's Dick. Joe-jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with this announcement, so I've just come to give him a hand. How is he, Joe-jums?
Joe-jums: Pretty bad, Dick.
Dick: Jack ... it's Dick ... Do you want me to make the announcement?
Jack: No, no Dick. I must do it myself... (emotionally) it's my last chance with the BBC, I can't throw it away... I've got to do it ... for Joe-jums... for the kids... I've got to go through with it...
Dick: Good man. Now remember your announcer's training: deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying...
Jack: Good evening. This (a trace of superhuman effort in his voice) is BBC 1...
Joe-jums: Good luck, Jack.
Dick: Keep going, old boy.
Jack: It's ... nine o'clock ... and ... time ... for ... the News ... read by ... Richard Baker...
(Cut to start of the 'Nine O'Clock News '.)
Joe-jums: You've done it.
Dick: Congratulations, old man!
(Richard Baker is sitting at a desk. As Richard Baker speaks we hear no sounds apart from the sounds of celebration of the announcers - champagne corks popping, etc. At the beginning of the news Baker uses the gesture between sentences that we have seen Mr Orbiter use, plus other gestures. Behind him on the screen a collage of photos appear one after the offer: Richard Nixon, Tony Armstrong-Jones, the White Home, Princess Margaret, parliament, naked breasts, a scrubbing brush, a man with a stone through his head, Margaret Thatcher, a lavatory, a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up, a corkscrew, Edward Heath, a pair of false teeth in a glass. Whilst these have been going on Baker has been making gestures starting with elbow-up gesture and getting progressively more obscure and intriguing. We don't hear him at all, we hear all the announcers having a party and congratulating Jack.)
Joe-jums: Fantastic darling, you were brilliant. No, no, it was the best you ever did.
Jack: Thank God.
Joe-jums: It was absolutely super.
Dick: ... have a drink. For God's sake drink this...
Jack: Fantastic.
Dick: The least I could do - super - I must come over.
Jack: I can't tell you how much that means.
(Eventually the voices stop and four the first time we hear Richard Baker's voice.)
Baker: ... until the name Maudling is almost totally obscured. That is the need of the micro-not wens. And now it's time for the late night film.
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The Pantom
ine Horse is a Secret Agent Film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 30
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The cast:
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
LOONY
Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
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The sketch:
(James Bond stye opening titles with pictures of a pantomime home.)
THE PANTOMIME HORSE IS A SECRET AGENT FILM.
WRITTEN BY TALBOT ROTHWELL AND MIREILLE MATHIEU.
BASED ON AN IDEA BY EDWARD VII.
DIRECTED BY QUEEN JULIANA OF THE NETHERLANDS.
PRODUCED BY SIR ALEC DOUOLAS-HOME AND KING HAAKON OF NORWAY.
A CORPSE-HAKKON PRODUCTION'.
(Cut to an idyllic scene - a boat drifting serenely on a ri~er. A beautiful girl lies reclining in one end of the boat. A hoof appears round Carol's shoulders.)
Girl: Oh pantomime horse, that was wonderful. -
Dobbin: Would you like another glass?
Girl: No, no, I mustn't. It makes me throw up... oh, I'm so bleeding happy.
Dobbin: Oh, Simone!
Girl: Oh, pantomime horse.
(Cut to Graham in loony get up.)
Loony: Then...
(The pantomime horse spins round and fires his revolver towards some trees overhanging the water. Another pantomime horse falls out of the tree into the water. A third pantomime horse scurries out bin behind a bush and runs off into the undergrowth. Dobbin leaps out of the boat. The girl jumps after him. A car drives out of some bushes on to the road and accelerates away. The pantomime horse is in it. Dobbin and the girl leap into their own expensive sports car and give chase. Shots of exciting chase. After two or three shots of the cars chasing, the two pantomime hones are seen on two tandems, continuing the chase. Cut to them chasing each other on horseback. Cut to them chasing each other on rickshaws. Cut to them chasing each other on foot.)
Voice Over: And now the English pantomime horse has very nearly caught up with the Russian pantomime horse, I think he's going to take him any moment now but what is this? What is this? (round the comer are waiting a pantomime goose and a pantomime Princess Margaret; the Russian pantomime horse runs past them and they leap on the English pantomime horse and a fight starts) Yes it's pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose and they're attacking the English pantomime horse and the Russian pantomime horse has got away. But who is this? (a car draws up and Terence Rattigan and the Duke of Kent and the RSM run up and join in the fighting; the Russians are joined by Heinz Sielmann and Peter Scott and Jacques Cousteau) My goodness me it's the Duke of Kent to the rescue...
(The fighting continues, behind, while the credits roll in front, reading as follows:)
TONY M. NYPHOT'S FLYING RISCCU
SAW CODVENICE, TWITNER
DNA FORDEPERM YB
HAMRAG PACHMAN
JOHN ECLES
RICE LIED
TORN JERSEY (5.5)
MICHAEL LAPIN
MARTY RIGELLI
SOLA GAERAPPIN
CAROL CLEVELAND
ARCHSEER YB
SUZAN DAVIES
KAME PU
MADELAINE GAFFNEY
MUTESOCS
HAZEL PETHIG
MAINATIONS YB
TERRY GILLIAM
CUFFS LAVISEET
BERNARD WILKIE
PISHCARG
BOB BLAGDEN
MALE FANCIMARM
ALAN FEATHERSTONE
MOLE TRIFID
RAY MILLICHOPE
DOSUN
RICHARD CHUBB
LIGHTGIN
JIMMY PURDIE
REDENSIG
IAN WATSON
DECODURP YB
IAN MACNAUGHTON
B. B. LURCOO
Voice Over: (German accent) Here you see some English comic actors engaged in a life or death struggle with a rather weak ending. This is typical of the zany madcap world of the irresistible kooky funsters. The English pantomime horse wins and so is assured of a place in British history and a steady job in a merchant bank. Unfortunately, before his pension fights are assured, he catches bronchitis and dies, another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.
(Shot of pantomime horse in bed with his legs sticking in the air.)
CAPTION: 'ETH NED'
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'Summarize Proust Competition'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31
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About the Sketch:
This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 31, it also featured on their album - 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection' (UK version).
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
ARTHUR MEE
Terry Jones
HARRY
Graham Chapman
RONALD
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(The hall of the Memorial Baths, Swansea, done up for a gala occasion. There is a stage with flags, bunting and flowers. Echoing noise of audience antidpation. Muffled tannoy announcements in background.)
Voice Over: Good evening, and welcome to the Arthur Ludlow Memorial Baths, Newport, for this year's finals of the All-England Summarize Proust Competition. (pull back slightly to reveal big banner across the top of the stage: 'Alll-England Summarize Proust Competition') As you may remember, each contestant has to give a brief summary of Proust's 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu', once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress. The field has now narrowed to three finalists and your judges tonight are... (cut to panel of judges at long desk; they are all cut-outs of smiling photos of the following) Alec and Eric Bedser, ex-Surrey cricketers, Stewart Surridge, ex-captain of Surrey, Omar Sharif, Laurie Fishlock, ex-Surrey opening batsman, Peter May, the former Surrey and England Captain, and Yehudi Menuhin, the world-famous violinist and the President of the Surrey Cricket Club. And right now it's time to meet your host for tonight - Arthur Mee!
(Showbiz music, applause, and Arthur Mee appears from the back of the stage; he wears the now traditional spangly jacket. He comes forward and speaks into the mike ; the sound is rather hollow and strident as in big halls with a hastily rigged PA.)
Mee: (TERRY J) Good evening and welcome, whereas Proust would say, 'la malade imaginaire de recondition et de toute surveillance est bientôt la même chose'. (roars of applause; quick shot of grinning faces of the jury) Remember each contestant this evening has a maximum of fifteen seconds to sum up 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' and on the Proustometer over here... (curtain pulls back at back of stage to reveal a true, enormous, but cheap, audience appreciation gauge; it lists the seven books of Proust's masterwork in the firm of a thermometer) you can see exactly how far he gets. So let's crack straight on with our first contestant tonight. He's last year's semi-finalist from Luton - Mr Harry Bagot. (Harry Bagot, in evening dress, comes forward from back of stage, he has a number three on his back; Mee leads the applause for him) Hello Harry. Now there's the summarizing spoh you're on the summarizing spot, fifteen seconds from now.
(Music starts, continuity-type music. The needle of the Proustometer creeps up almost iraperceptibly to a tiny level.)
Harry: Proust's novel ostensibly tells of the irrevocability of time lost, the forfeiture of innocence through experience, the reinstatement of extra-temporal values of time regained, ultimately the novel is both optimistic and set within the context of a humane religious experience, re-stating as it does the concept of intemporality. in the first volume, Swarm, the family friend visits...
(Gong goes, chord of rausic, applause. The meter has hardly risen at all.)
Mee: Well tried, Harry.
Voice Over: A good attempt there but unfortunately he chose a general appraisal of the work, before getting on to the story and as you can see (close up of Proust
ometer) he only got as far as page one of 'Swarm'sWay', the first of the seven volumes. A good try though and very nice posture,
(Cut back to the stage.)
Mee: Harry: Bagot, you're from Luton?
Harry: Yes, Arthur, yeah.
Mee: Now Harry what made you first want to try and start summarizing Proust
Harry: Well I first entered a seaside Summarizing Proust Competition when I was on holiday in Bournemouth, and my doctor encouraged me with it.
Mee: And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?
Harry: Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating.
Mee: Well, thank you Harry Bagot.
Harry: walks off-stage. Music and applause.
Voice Over: Well there he goes. Harry Bagot. He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies, golf's not very popular around here, but never mind, a good try.
Mee: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Mr Rutherford from Leicester, are you ready Ronald? (Ronald is a very eager man in tails) Right. On the summarizing spot. You have got fifteen seconds from now.
Ronald: Er, well, Swann, Swann, there's this house, there's this house, and er, it's in the morning, it's in the morning - no, it's the evening, in the evening and er, there's a garden and er, this bloke comes in - bloke comes in - what's his name - what's his name, er just said it - big bloke - Swarm, Swarm
(The gong sounds. Mee pushes Ronald out.)
Mee: And now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome the last of our all-England finalists this evening, from Bingley, the Bolton Choral Society and their leader Superintendent McGough, (a big choir comes on, immaculately drilled, each holding a score, with Fred Tomlinson as superintendent McGough) All right Bingley, remember you've got fifteen seconds to summarize Proust in his entirety starting from now.
