by Monty Python
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Expedition to Lake Pahoe
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 32
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
SIR JANE
Graham Chapman
DOROTHY LAMOUR
Eric Idle
SECOND INTERVIEWER
Terry Jones
SIR JOHN
Graham Chapman
RATING
Eric Idle
MAN
Michael Palin
WOMAN
Eric Idle
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The sketch:
(Cut to a similar landscape. Preparations for an expedition are underway. equipment being piled into land-rovers etc. An interviewer walks into shot.)
Interviewer: Hello. All the activity you can see in progress here is part of the intricate... aah! (he steps into a man-trap, but continues bravely) preparations for the British Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The leader of the expedition is Sir Jane Russell. (the interviewer in slightly different spot with the admiral; we now see that the interviewer has a wooden leg and a crutch)Sir Jane, what is the purpose of your expedition?
Sir Jane: Well this is a completely uncharted lake with like hitherto unclassified marine life man, so the whole scene's wide open for a scientific exploration.
Interviewer: (now with a parrot on his shoulder) One can see the immense amount of preparation involved. Have there been many difficulties in setting up this venture?
Sir Jane: (with 'naval-lib' badge) Well the real hang-up was with the bread man but when the top brass pigs came through we got it together in a couple of moons. Commodore Betty Grable, who's a real sub-aqua head, has got together diving wise and like the whole gig's been a real gas man.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver hat) Thank you. (and an eye patch) Lieutenant Commander Dorothy Lamour.
Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: (now with Long John Silver jacket) Dorothy you're in charge of security and liaison for this operation.
Dorothy Lamour: Right on. (he is smoking something and is really cool)
Interviewer: You've kept this all rather hush-hush so far shipmate.
Dorothy Lamour: Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all these freaks from the fascist press trying to blow the whole scene.
Interviewer: (to camera) There's no doubt about it, this expedition does have some rather unusual aspects, Jim lad. For a first, why does the senior personnel all bear the names of Hollywood film stars of the forties ... and female ones at that, shiver me timbers 'tis the black spot, and secondly, I be not afraid of thee Blind Pew ... why do they talk this rather strange stilted, underground jargon, belay the mainbrace Squire Trelawney this be my ship now. (he is hit by a dart) Argh! A tranquillizing dart fired by the cowardly BBC health department dogs ... they've done filled me full of chlorpromazine damn!
(He falls. A second interviewer coma into shot and catches the microphone.)
Second Interviewer: I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behaviour.
Sir Jane: (running towards the camera) The navy's out of sight man come together with the RN it's really something other than else.
(Animated psychedelic advert for the Royal Navy.)
Animated Voice: You dig it, man?
(Cut back to second interviewer.)
Second Interviewer: Hello. I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behaviour just now, but things haven't been tog easy for him recently, trouble at home, rather confidential so I can't give you all the details... interesting though they are... three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so on, anyway... apparently the girl wasn't even ... anyway the activity you see behind me... it's the mother I feel sorry for. I'll start again. The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this expedition is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir John, hello there.
Sir John: Ah, hello. Well first of all I'd like to apologize for the behaviour of certain of my colleagues you may have seen earlier, but they are from broken homes, circus families and so on and they are in no way representative of the new modern improved British Navy. They are a small vociferous minority; and may I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the British Navy. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit, but all new ratings are warned that if they wake up in the morning and find toothmarks at all anywhere on their bodies, they're to tell me immediately so that I can immediately take every measure to hush the whole thing up. And, finally, necrophilia is right out. (the interviewer keeps nodding but looks embarrassed) Now, this expedition is primarily to investigate reports of cannibalism and necrophilia in ... this expedition is primarily to investigate reports of unusual marine life in the as yet uncharted Lake Pahoe.
Interviewer: And where exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er 22A, Runcorn Avenue, I think. Yes, that's right, 22A.
Interviewer: Runcorn Avenue?
Sir John: Yes, it's just by Blenheim Crescent... do you know it?
Interviewer: You mean it's in an ordinary street?
Sir John: Of course it's not an ordinary street! It's got a lake in it!
Interviewer: Yes but I...
Sir John: Look, how many streets do you know that have got lakes in them?
Interviewer: But you mean... is it very large?
Sir John: Of course it's not large, you couldn't get a large lake in Runcorn Avenue! You'd have to knock down the tobacconist's! (looking off camera) Jenkins ... no!
(We see a rather sheepish rating about to sink his teeth into a human leg. Sir John puts his hand in front of the lens. Cut to Runcorn Avenue, an ordinary street with houses now turned into flats. The land-rover arrives with the equipment.)
Interviewer: I'm now standing in Runcorn Avenue. Sir John ... where exactly is the lake?
Sir John: Er, well let's see, that's 18... that's 20 so this must be the one.
Interviewer: Er, excuse me...
Sir John: Yes, that's the one all right.
Interviewer: But it's an ordinary house.
Sir John: Look, I'm getting pretty irritated with this line of questioning.
Interviewer: But it doesn't even look like a lake...
Sir John: Look, your whole approach since this interview started has been to mock the Navy. When I think that it was for the likes of you that I had both my legs blown off...
Interviewer: (pointing at perfectly healthy legs) You haven't had both your legs blown off!
Sir John: I was talking metaphorically you fool. Jenkins - put that down. (Jenkins returns the leg to the land-rover) Right, is the equipment ready?
Rating: Diving equipment all ready man. (gives hippy salute)
Sir John: (warning finger) Right. Now quite simply the approach to Lake Pahoe is up the steps, and then we come to the shores of the lake. Now, I'm going to press the bell just to see if there's anyone in.
Man: (answering) Hello?
Sir John: Good morning - I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe.
Man: There's a Mr Padgett.
Sir John: No, no a lake.
Man: There's no lake here, mate. This is Runcorn Avenue. What's the camera doing?
Woman: (coming out) Camera? What's he want? Oooh, are we on the telly? (grins at the camera)
Man: He's looking for a lake.
Sir John: Lake Pahoe.
Woman: Oh, you want downstairs, 22A the basement.
Sir John: Ah! Thank you very much. Good morning. Come on men, downstairs.
(They walk down to the basement. The interviewer intercepts Sir John.)
Interviewer: Were you successful, Sir John?
Sir John: It's in the basement.
Interviewer: In the basement?
(He sees a parrot on his shoulder.)
&nb
sp; Parrot: Pieces of eight.
Interviewer: Eugh! (he knocks it off)
(Sir John goes to the front door of 22a and rings. Then he looks into the living room through the window. A middle-aged couple are sitting inside. The room is full of water. The man reads the paper and the woman knits, Both wear breathing apparatus. Sir John knocks on the window. The woman looks up.)
Sir John: Hello.
Woman: Ooooh. I think' it's someone about the damp.
Sir John: Hello.
Man: Tell 'em about the bleeding rats, too.
Woman: I'll go (she swims to window and shouts out) Yes?
Sir John: Good morning, is this Lake Pahoe?
Woman: Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp. Are you from the council?
Sir John: No. We are the official British Naval Expedition to this lake. May we come in?
Woman: Hang on.
(She submerges and picks up a big sign showing it to the man. The sign reads 'It's not the council, it's a British Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe or something and can they come in'. The man reads the card An enormous shark looks over his shoulder appearing from a cupboard. The man sees it and hits it with a newspaper.)
Man: Bloody sharks.
Woman: Get in.
(He holds up a sign reading 'Tell them to go away '. The woman swims to the window and gives a V-sign to Sir John.)
Sir John: Well um... that would appear to be the end of the expedition.
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The silliest interview we've ever had /
The silliest sketch we've ever done
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 32
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The cast:
INTERVIEWER
John Cleese
BADGER
Eric Idle
WAITER
Michael Palin
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The sketch:
(Cut to an interview set.)
Interviewer: The Magna Carta - was it a document signed at Runnymede in 1215 by King John pledging independence to the English barons, or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in Dorset? The latter idea is the brainchild of a man new to the field of historical research. Mr Badger, why - why are you on this programme?
(Pull back to show Mr Badger. He wears a flat cap and has a Scots accent)
Badger: (EalC) Well, I think I can answer this question most successfully in mime. (mimes incomprehensibly)
Interviewer: But why Dorset?
Badger: Well, I have for a long time been suffering from a species of brain injury which I incurred during the rigours of childbirth, and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.
Interviewer: Mr Badger, I think you're the silliest person we've ever had on this programme, and so I'm going to ask you to have dinner with me.
CAPTION: 'LATER THE SAME SKETCH'
(Cut to them sitting at a restaurant table.)
Badger: My wife Maureen ran off with a bottle of Bell's whisky during the Aberdeen versus Raith Rovers match which ended in a goalless draw. Robson particularly, in goal, had a magnificent first half, his fine positional sense preventing the build-up of any severe pressure on the suspect Aberdeen defence. McLoughlan missed an easy chance to clinch the game towards the final whistle but Raith must be well satisfied with their point.
Interviewer: Do please go on. This is the least fascinating conversation I've ever had.
(A waiter comes in.)
Waiter: Would you like to order sir?
Interviewer: Yes, Mr Badger, what .would you like to start with?
Badger: Er, I'll have a whisky to start with.
Waiter: For first course, sir?
Badger: Aye.
Waiter: And for main course, sir?
Badger: I'll have a whisky for main course and I'll follow that with a whisky for pudding.
Waiter: Yes sir, and what would you like with it, sir? A whisky?
Badger: No, a bottle of wine.
Waiter: Fine, sir, he said between clenched teeth knowing full well it was a most unrewarding part.
Interviewer: This is the silliest sketch I've ever been in.
Badger: Shall we stop it?
Interviewer: Yeah, all right. (they get up and walk out)
CAPTION: 'THE END'
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Biggles: dictates a letter
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 33
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The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
BIGGLES
Graham Chapman
SECRETARY
Nicki Howorth
ALGY
Michael Palin
GINGER
Terry Gilliam
LOONY
Graham Chapman
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The sketch:
(Cut to stock film of First World War fighter planes in a dog-fight. Heroic war music.)
Voice Over: The Adventures of Biggles. Part one - Biggles dictates a letter.
(Mix through to Biggles and secretary in an officce.)
Biggles: Miss Bladder, take a letter.
Secretary: Yes, Senor Biggles. Biggles Don't call me senor! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles: or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never senor.
Secretary: Sorry.
Biggles: I've never even been to Spain.
Secretary: You went to Ibiza last year.
Biggles: That's still not grounds for calling me senor, or Don Beeg-les for that matter. Right, Dear King Haakon...
Secretary: Of Norway, is that?
Biggles: Just put down what I say.
Secretary: Do I put that down?
Biggles: Of course you don't put that down.
Secretary: Well what about that?
Biggles: Look. (she types) Don't put that down. Just put down - wait a mo - wait a too. (puts on antlers) Now, when I've got these antlers on - when I've got these antlers on I am dictating and when I take them off (takes them off) I am not dictating.
Secretary: (types) I am not dictating.
Biggles: What? (she types; puts the antlers on) Read that back.
Secretary: Dear King Haakon, I am not dictating what?
Biggles: No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.
Secretary: I've had enough of this. I am not a courtesan. (moves round to front of the desk, sits on it and crosses her legs provocatively)
Biggles: Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.
Secretary: I am not, you demented fictional character.
Biggles: Algy says you are. He says you're no better than you should be.
Secretary: And how would he know?
Biggles: And just what do you mean by that? Are you calling my old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?
Secretary: Fairy! Poof's not good enough for Algy, is it. He's got to be a bleedin' fairy. Mincing old RAF queen. (sits at the desk)
Biggles: (into the intercom) Algy, I have to see you.
Algy: Right ho. (he enters) What ho everyone.
Biggles: Are you gay?
Algy: I should bally well say so, old fruit.
Biggles: Ugh! (he shoots him) Dear King Haakon ... oh ... (takes the antlers off) Dear King Haakon. (the secretary types) Just a line to thank you for the eels. Mary thought they were really scrummy, comma, so did I full stop. I've just heard that Algy was a poof, exclamation mark. What would Captain W. E. Johns have said, question mark. Sorry to mench, but if you've finished with the lawn-edger could you pop it in the post. Love Biggles, Algy deceased and Ginger. Ginger! (puts the antlers on)
Secretary: What?
Biggles: Rhyming slang - ginger beer.
Secretary: Oh.
&nb
sp; Biggles: (into the intercom) Ginger.
Ginger: Hello, sweetie.
Biggles: I have to see you.
(The door opens, Ginger enters as a terrible poof in camp flying gear, sequins, eye make-up, silver stars on his cheeks.)
Ginger: Yes, Biggles?
Biggles: Are you a poof
Ginger: (camp outrage) I should say not.
Biggles: Thank God for that. Good lad. (Ginger exits) Stout fellow, salt of the earth, backbone of England. Funny, he looks like a poof. (takes off the antlers) Dear Princess Margaret.
(Pantomime Princess Margaret enters from cupboard.)
Margaret: Hello.
Biggles: Get back in the cupboard you pantomimetic royal person. (she goes)
(Quick cut to a loony.)
Loony: Lemon curry?
(Cut back to Biggles.)
Biggles: Dear real Princess Margaret, thank you for the eels, full stop. They were absolutely delicious and unmistakably regal, full stop. Sorry to mench but if you've finished with the hairdryer could you pop it in the post. Yours fictionally Biggles, Oh, PS see you at the Saxe-Coburgs' canasta evening. (puts the antlers on) That should puzzle her.
Secretary: (sexily) Si Sefior Biggles.
Biggles: Silence, naughty lady of the night!
(Bring up heroic music and mix through to stock film of fighter planes in dog-fight.)
Voice Over: Next week pan two - 'Biggles Flies Undone'.
(Then a very noisy and violent animation sketch.)
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