Monty Python's Flying Circus: The Sketches
Page 68
Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Wenslydale: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Wenslydale: Sorry, sir.
Customer: Red Windsor?
Wenslydale: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer: Ah. Stilton?
Wenslydale: Sorry.
Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lipta?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Lancashire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: White Stilton?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Danish Brew?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Double Goucester?
Wenslydale: (pause) No.
Customer: Cheshire?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Dorset Bluveny?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?
Wenslydale: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Wenslydale: Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer: What now?
Wenslydale: The cat's eaten it.
Customer: (pause) Has he.
Wenslydale: She, sir.
(pause)
Customer: Gouda?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Edam?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Case Ness?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Smoked Austrian?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?
Wenslydale: No, sir.
Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Wenslydale: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Wenslydale: Fair enough.
Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Wenslydale: Yes?
Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Wenslydale: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
Customer: Greek Feta?
Wenslydale: Uh, not as such.
Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Parmesan,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Mozarella,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Paper Cramer,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Danish Bimbo,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Czech sheep's milk,
Wenslydale: no
Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Wenslydale: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar?
Wenslydale: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Wenslydale: Not 'round here, sir.
Customer: {pause}and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Wenslydale: 'Illchester, sir.
Customer: IS it.
Wenslydale: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer: Is it.
Wenslydale: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Wenslydale: Right, sir.
Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Wenslydale: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Wenslydale: Finest in the district!
Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Wenslydale: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Wenslydale: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer: Would it be worth it?
Wenslydale: Could be....
Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Wenslydale: Told you sir....
Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Wenslydale: No.
Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me
Wenslydale: Yessir?
Customer: Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Wenslydale: Yes,sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause) Wenslydale: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Wenslydale: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Wenslydale: Right-0, sir.
The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
* * *
Damian Surr has created an excellent animation based on this sketch. Details
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Philip Jenkinson on Cheese Westerns
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 33
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to stock shot of man on horse riding into the sunset. Music swells dramatically.)
CAPTION: 'ROGUE CHEDDAR (1967)'
CAPTION: 'FIN'
(Ordinary simple Philip Jenkinson sits at a desk simpering and pouting like a cross between Truman Capote and a pederast vole.)
Philip Jenkinson (Eric Idle): Horace Walpole's 'Rogue Cheddar', (sniff) one of the first of the Cheese Westerns to be later followed by 'Gunfight at Gruy&re Corral', 'Ilchester 73', and 'The Cheese Who Shot Liberty Valence'. While I'm on the subject of Westerns, I want to take a closer look at one of my favourite film directors, Sam Peckinpah, the expatriate from Fresno, California.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'GET ON WITH IT'
Philip Jenkinson: In his earliest films, 'Major Dundee', (sniff)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'AND STOP SNIFFING'
Philip Jenkinson: 'The Wild Bunch' and 'Straw Dogs' he showed his predilection for the utterly truthful and very sexually arousing portrayal of violence (sniff) in its starkest form. (sniff)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WILL YOU STOP SNIFFING'
Philip Jenkinson: In his latest film Peckinpah has moved into the calmer and more lyrical waters of Julian Slade's, 'Salad Days'.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Sam Peckinpah's 'Salad Days'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 33
* * *
The cast:
LIONEL
Michael Palin
WOMAN
Carol Cleveland
JULIAN
Graham Chapman
CHARLES
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
(Lyrical scene of boys in white flannels and girls in pretty dresses frolicking on a lawn to the accompaniment of a piano played by one of the boys.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SALAD DAYS (1971) DIRECTOR SAM PECKINPAH'
(The boys and girls cease frolicking and singing. Lionel enters holding a tennis racket.)
Lionel: Hello everybody.
All: Hello Lionel.
Lionel: I say what a simply super day.
All: Gosh yes.
Woman: It's so, you know, sunny.
Lionel: Yes isn't it? I say anyone for tennis?
Julian: Oh super!
Charles: What fun.
Julian: I say, Lionel, catch.
(He throws the tennis ball to Lionel. It hits Lionel on the head. Lionel claps one hand to his forehead. He roars in pain as blood seeps through his fingers.)
Lionel: Oh gosh.
(He tosses his racket out of frame and we hear a hideous scream. The camera pans to pick up a pretty girl in summer frock with the handle of the racket embedded in her stomach. Blood is pouring out down her dress.)
Girl: Oh crikey.
(Spitting blood out of her mouth she collapses onto the floor clutching at Charles's arm. The arm comes off. Buckets of blood burst out of the shoulder drenching the girl and anyone else in the area. He staggers backwards against the piano. The piano lid drops, severing the pianist's hands. The pianist screams. He stands, blood spurting from his hands over piano music.
The piano collapses in slow motion, shot from several angles simultaneously as per 'Zabriskie Point '. Intercut terrified faces of girls screaming in slow motion. The piano eventually crushes them to death; an enormous pool of blood immediately swells up from beneath piano where the girls are. We see Julian stagger across the frame with the piano keyboard through his stomach. As he turns the end of the keyboard knocks off the head of a terrified girl who is sitting on the grass nearby. A volcanic quantity of blood geysers upwards. Pull out and upward from this scene as the music starts again.)
(Cut to Apology)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Apology
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 33
* * *
The cast:
FIRST VOICE OVER
John Cleese
SECOND VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
1st Voice Over: (and Roller Caption) 'THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD FOR THE LAST ITEM. IT WAS DISGUSTING AND BAD AND THOROUGHLY DISOBEDIENT AND PLEASE DON'T BOTHER TO PHONE UP BECAUSE WE KNOW IT WAS VERY TASTELESS, BUT THEY DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT AND THEY DO ALL COME FROM BROKEN HOMES AND HAVE VERY UNHAPPY PERSONAL LIVES, ESPECIALLY ERIC. ANYWAY, THEY'RE REALLY VERY NICE PEOPLE UNDERNEATH AND VERY WARM IN THE TRADITIONAL SHOW BUSINESS WAY AND PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN EITHER BECAUSE THE BBC IS GOING THROUGH AN UNHAPPY PHASE AT THE MOMENT -- WHAT WITH ITS FATHER DYING AND THE MORTGAGE AND BBC 2 GOING OUT WITH MEN.'
2nd Voice Over: (and Roller Caption): 'THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO DENY THE LAST APOLOGY. IT IS VERY HAPPY AT HOME AND BBC 2 IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS PHASE, SO FROM ALL OF US HERE GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP WELL, AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY SUPER DAY TOMORROW, KISS, KISS.'
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The News with Richard Baker /
Seashore interlude film
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 33
* * *
The cast:
RICHARD BAKER
Richard Baker
ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to Richard Baker sitting at the traditional news desk.)
Richard Baker: We've just heard that an explosion in the kitchens of the House of Lords has resulted in the breakage of seventeen storage jars. Police ruled out foul play. (pause) Lemon curry?
(Fade out. Fade up on film of seashore, waves breaking on beach.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'INTERLUDE'
(The film goes on for quite a long time. Eventually, the announcer, dressed in medieval Spanish soldier's costume, walks into shot.)
Announcer: (to camera) Um, I'm sorry about the ... the, er, pause, only I'm afraid the show is a couple of minutes short this week. You know, sometimes the shows aren't really quite as er, long as they ought to be. (pause, he looks round at the sea) Beautiful, isn't it. (he walks out of shot; long pause; he walks back) Look there's not really a great deal of point in your, sort of hanging on at your end, because I'm afraid there aren't any more jokes or anything.
(He walks out of shot. We stay with the film for quite a long time before we finally fade out.)
Return to the sketches index
The Cycling Tour
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 34
* * *
The cast:
PITHER
Michael Palin
PROPRIETOR
Eric Idle
DRIVER
John Cleese
OLD LADY
Eric Idle
DOCTOR
Eric Idle
GIRL
Carol Cleveland
MAN
John Cleese
GULLIVER
Terry Jones
NURSE
Graham Chapman
SECOND DOCTOR
John Cleese
M. BRUN
John Cleese
MME. BRUN
Eric Idle
GENEVIEVE
Graham Chapman
MILITARY MAN
Eric Idle
DESK CLERK
Terry Gilliam
CHINAMAN
Graham Chapman
LIVINGSTONE
John Cleese
GRIP
Eric Idle
BAG
John Cleese
WALLET
Graham Chapman
TAXI
Carol Cleveland
GENERAL
John Cleese
SENIOR GENERAL
Graham Chapman
OFFICER
John Cleese
MESSENGER
Graham Chapman
MOTHER
Eric Idle
COMPÈRE
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
Please note that this sketch is a combination of the 6 individual ones lisited in the TV Series Guide. Even though they are lisited seperately they are in effect one sketch
THURSDAY, 4TH MAY, 1972
(The green, lush Devon countryside. Theme music. There are trees in the background perhaps and the camera is tracking along the hedgerow along a road. We see a head whizzing along, sometimes just above the hedgerow and sometimes bobbing down out of sight....occasionally for long periods.
Title: THE CYCLING TOUR
(Mr. Pither, the cyclist, bobs up and down a few more times, then disappears from sight. There is a crash and clang of a bicycle in collision, mixed with the scream of a frightened hen, and stifled shout of alarm. We are still in long shot and see nothing. The music stops abruptly on the crash.)
Pither (Voice Over): August 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.
(Cut to interior of a transport cafe. A rather surly proprietor with fag in mouth is operating an Espresso coffee machine. Pither, a fussy bespectacled little man, in sweater, trousers, is leaning over the counter, talking chattily).
Pither: The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.
Prop: 35p. (He goes back to working the machine).
Pither: These sandwiches, however, were an excellent substitute.
(Enormous lorry driver comes up to counter)
Driver: Give us ten woods, Barney.
Pither: Hello!
(Lorry driver looks at him without interest, goes off with his cigarettes)
Pither: It's funny how one can go through life, as I have, disliking bananas and being indifferent to cheese, and then be able to eat, and enjoy, a banana and cheese sandwich like that.
Prop: 35p please. (A juke box starts up in t
he background)
Pither: Ah! I have only a 50. Do you have change?
Prop: (with heavy sarcasm) Well I'll have a look, but I may have to ring the bank.
Pither: I'm most awfully sorry.
(Prop gives him change)
Prop: 15p.
Pither: Oh, that was lucky. Well, all the very best. (Pither proffers his hand. Prop. ignores it) Thank you for the excellent banana and cheese sandwich.
(He exits busily. Prop. looks after him, shakes his head, and absent-mindedly opens a sandwich and flicks ash in, and closes it up again.)
(Cut to hedgerows. Theme music. Pither's head bobbing up and down. At the same point in the music.... it disappears and there is a crash mingled with grunting of pig.)
Pither (V.O.): August 23rd. Fell off near Budleigh Salterton.
(Cut to a woman gardening. Behind her we see Pither's head peering over the hedge.)
Pither: ...and the pump caught in my trouser leg.
(She carries on digging, trying to ignore him)
Pither: And that's why they were damaged...(no reaction)...the eggs...you remember...the hard-boiled eggs I was telling you about...(he comes round to the gate and leans familiarly over the gate)...they were in a Tupperware container, reputedly self-sealing, which fell open on contact with the tarmacadam surface of the road. (He looks for a reaction. She goes on digging very butch)...the B409...(he looks again for a glimmer of interest)...the Dawlish road...(again no reaction) That shouldn't really happen to a self-sealing container, should it?
(Lady gardener goes back into house. Pither waits for a few moments)
Pither: (shouting) What do *you* keep your hard-boiled eggs in? (No reaction) I think in future I shall lash them to the handlebars with adhesive tape. That should obviate a recurrence of the same problem...well I can't stop here all day...must get on...I'm on a cycling tour of Cornwall.