by Monty Python
(Cut to hedgerows again. Pither's head bowling along. Theme music. He dips out of sight. Crash and a cow moos.)
Pither (V.O.): Aug. 26th. Fell off near Ottery St. Mary. The pump caught in my trouser leg. Decide to wear short trousers from now on.
(Cut to another hedgerow. Pither's head bowling along. Short burst of music. Crash.)
Pither (V.O.): Fell off near Tiverton. Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.
(Cut to a tiny village high street, deserted save for an old lady. Pither cycles into shot, carefully parks his bike by the kerb. He is in shorts, but still has his bicycle clips on. He takes them off and approaches the old lady.)
Pither: Excuse me, madam, can you tell me of a good bicycle shop in this village, where I could find either some means of adapting my present pump, or, failing that, purchase a replacement?
Old lady: There's only one shop here.
(She points with a shaking finger. Camera pans very slightly to one side to reveal a shop with a huge four foot high sign) "BICYCLE PUMP CENTRE. SPECIALISTS IN SHORTER BICYCLE PUMPS."
another sign: "SHORT PUMPS AVAILABLE HERE"
another sign: "WE SHORTEN PUMPS WHILE-U-WAIT"
(The camera shows the shop only for a couple of seconds and pans back to the old lady and Pither.)
Pither: What a stroke of luck. Now perhaps cycling will become less precarious.
(Cut to int. of doctor's surgery. A knock on the door).
Doctor: Yes?
Nurse: (sticking her head around the door): There's a Mr. Pither to see you, Doctor. His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.
Doctor: Alright, nurse, send him in.
(Nurse exits, Pither enters in shorts and sweater)
Doctor: Morning.
Pither: A very good morning to you too, Doctor
Doctor: I gather you had an accident?
Pither: Yes, my pump got...
Doctor: ...caught in your sock.
Pither: Yes, and my fruit cake was damaged on one side.
Doctor: Well...
Pither: It's got grit all over it.
Doctor: Well now, are you in pain? (reaching round for his stethoscope and coming around desk)
Pither: Oh heavens no.
Doctor: Well where were you hurt?
Pither: I escaped without injury fortunately. (Pause)
Doctor: Well what is the trouble?
Pither: Could you tell me the way to Iddesley?
Doctor: I'm a doctor, you know.
Pither: Oh yes. Under normal circumstances I would have asked a policeman or a minister of the Church, but finding no one available, I thought it better to consult a man with some qualifications, rather than rely on the possibly confused testimony of a passer-by.
Doctor: Oh alright. (He scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to Pither) Take this to a chemist.
Pither: Thank you.
(Ching of door. Chemist comes out holding the paper and points up the street. Pither thanks him and mounts his bike.
Cut to the hedgerows again. Pither's head. Theme music...reaches the point where Pither normally falls off...his head disappears, the music cuts off... no crash...suddenly Pither's head reappears further on and the music starts up again)
Pither (V.O.): Sept 2nd. Did not fall off outside Iddesley.
(Cut to a small market town. Line of cars. Pither's head just above the roofs of cars. Theme music. He suddenly disappears, the music stops and there is a crash.)
Pither (V.O.): Fell off in Tavistock.
(Cut to a discreet corner of a Watney's pub. Carpet and soft music. A middle-aged businessman and a sexy secretary who obviously want to be alone are sitting huddled over a table. On the other side of the table is Pither, with half pint in front of him.)
Pither: My leg got caught in my trousers and that's how the bottle broke.
Girl: Tell her today, you could ring her.
Man: I can't. I can't.
Pither: I said you'd never guess.
Man: 16 years we've been together. I can't just ring her up.
Girl: If you can't do it now, you never will.
Pither: Do you like Tizer?
Man: (to Pither) What? No. No.
Girl: Do you want me or not? It's your decision, James.
Pither: I suppose it is still available in this area?
Girl: Do you want me or not, James?
Man: What?
Pither: Tizer.
Girl: Yes or no.
Pither: Is it still available in this area?
Man: (to Pither) I don't know.
Girl: In that case it's goodbye for ever, James.
Man: No! I mean yes!
Pither: Oh it is?
Man: (to Pither) No.
Girl: You never *could* make up your mind.
Man: I can.... I have....
Girl: (taking off ring) Goodbye James. (She runs out sobbing.)
Man: No wait, Lucille!
Pither: And does your lovely daughter like Tizer?
Man: Lucille!
Pither: I wouldn't mind buying her a bottle of Tizer.... if it's available in this area, that is.
Man: (turning on Pither) Would you like me to show you the door?
Pither: Well that's extremely thoughtful of you, but I saw it on the way in.
Man: You stupid, interfering little rat.
Pither: Oh! The very words of the garage mechanic in Bude!
(The man picks Pither up by the scruff of the neck and the seat of his pants. He carries him bodily towards the door.)
Pither: I had just fallen off...and my cheese tartlet had become embedded in the...
Man: Damn your cheese tartlet! And damn you, sir!
Pither: ...dynamo hub... which was not at that time functioning...
(He is thrown out.)
(Cut to ext. of pub. Pither picks himself up. Sees girl outside sobbing.)
Pither: Just had a chat with your dad.
(Girl bursts into further tears. Whistling cheerfully, Pither gets on his bicycle and, happier than he has been for a long time, he cycles off down the road and round a corner. Sounds of car tyre screech and crash of Pither going straight into a car.)
(Cut to interior of car speeding along highway. Pither is sitting in the back seat with his bicycle. The driver, Mr Gulliver, is a bespectacled young man. He talks with a professional precision.)
Pither: Yes...my rubber instep caught on the rear mud-guard stanchion and...
Gulliver: Really? And what happened to your corned beef rolls?
Pither: They were squashed out of all recog... here just a minute. How did you know about the corned beef rolls?
Gulliver: I saw them - or what remained of them - on the road. I noticed also that the lemon curd tart had sustained some superficial damage.
Pither: The curd had become...
Gulliver: Detached from the pastry base.
Pither: (with some surprise) Yes.... that's absolutely right!
Gulliver: Otherwise the contents of the sandwich box were relatively unharmed, though I detected small particles of bitumen in the chocolate cup cakes.
Pither: But they were wrapped in foil!
Gulliver: Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.
Pither: Oh dear, that's the bit I liked.
Gulliver: The ginger biscuit, the crisps and the sausage roll were unharmed.
Pither: How do you know so much about cycling?
Gulliver: I'm making a special study of accidents involving food.
Pither: Really?
Gulliver: Do you know that in our laboratories we have produced a cheese sandwich that can withstand an impact of 4,000 lbs per square inch?
Pither: Good heavens!
Gulliver: Amazing, isn't it? We have also developed a tomato which ejects itself when an accident is imminent.
Pither: Even if it's inside am egg and tomato roll?
Gulliver: Anywhere! Even if it's in your stomach, and it senses an accident it will come up your throat and o
ut of the window. Do you realise what this means?
Pither: Safer food?
Gulliver: Exactly! No longer will food be damaged, crushed or squashed by the ignorance and stupidity of the driver! (Becoming slightly messianic) Whole picnics will be built to survive the most enormous forces! Snacks will be stronger than ever! An ordinary pot of salad cream, treated in our laboratories, has been subjected to the force of a 9,000 lb steam hammer every day for the last 6 years. And has it broken?
Pither: Er....
Gulliver: Yes, of course it has! But there are other things that haven't!.... the safety straps for sardines for instance.
(A tomato leaps up out of the glove compartment and hovers, then it ejects itself out of the car window)
Pither: That tomato just ejected itself.
Gulliver: Really?
Pither: Yes.
Gulliver: (embracing Pither) It works! It works!
(Crash and cut to black.)
(Fade up on country road. Pither is cycling along with Gulliver on the back of the bicycle. Gulliver has his head bandaged and his arm in a sling. Occasionally strains of 'Jack in a box' by Clodagh Rogers float towards us as Gulliver moves rhythmically.)
Pither (V.O.): What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken. Mr Gulliver appears to have lost his memory and far from being interested in safer food is now convinced that he is Clodagh Rogers the young girl singer. I am taking him for medical attention.
(Cut to Pither and Gulliver cycling into hospital. Sign: "North Cornwall District Hospital".)
(Cut to nurse receptionist at counter with glass window which lifts up and down. Above window small notice: "Casualty Admissions". Pither appears)
Pither: Good afternoon... is this the Casualty Department?
Nurse: Yes, that's right.
(Noise of splintering wood and crash out of view. Pither and nurse look up. Cut away to three benches under large 4 ft sign "Casualty". The front bench has collapsed in the middle and half a dozen or so patients sitting on it have slid into a heap in the middle. Some with scalded hands, bandages etc. some with bloody heads. A negro nurse is on her way to assist. Cut back to Pither and nurse.)
Nurse: What can I do for you?
(The window comes down on her fingers, she winces sharply in pain. She pushes it up again).
Pither: Well, I am at present on a cycling tour of the North Cornwall area taking in Bude and...
Nurse: Could I have your name please?
Pither: My name is Pither.
Nurse: Hm?
Pither: No... P I T H E R ... as in Brotherhood, but with PI instead of the BRO and no HOOD.
Nurse: I see...
Pither: I had already visited Taunton...
(Terrific crash. Cut to trolley on its side, and a bandaged patient under a mound of hospital instruments and a nurse standing looking down)
Nurse: Sh!
Pither: ...and was cycling north in...
Nurse: Where were you injured?
Pither: Just where the A397 Ilfracombe road meets the...
Nurse: No - on your body...
Pither: Ah no... it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.
(Nurse scowls, crumples up paper... and throws it away. The piece of paper hits a smallish cabinet of glass which topples forward.)
Nurse: Tut... Name?
Pither: Pither.
Nurse: (long sufferingly) Your *friend's* name.
Pither: Clodagh Rogers...
Nurse: Clodagh Rogers!
Pither: Well...since about 4:30....
Nurse: ...well I think you ought to tell Doctor Wu... Doctor!
(Cut to doctor on top of step ladder, unloading whisky from a crate balanced on top of ladders into a medicine cupboard already stacked with whisky bottles. Doctor whips round knocking off the crate of whisky.)
Doctor: What? Damn!
(Cut to patient in a wheelchair being pushed. The wheelchair completely collapses and the nurse is left holding the handles. Quick cut to nurse as window comes down on her fingers again.)
Nurse: Aaaaaagh!
(Doctor comes across to pither, limping slightly, in some pain.)
Doctor: Now, what's the trouble?
Pither: I am on a cycling tour of...
Nurse: (nursing her fingers) He thinks he's had an accident.
Pither: Yes, I have friend who, as a result of his injuries, has become Clodagh Rogers.
Doctor: Don't be silly, man; people don't just become Clodagh Rogers.
Pither: So you may think, but what happened in this case was...(There is a terrifying crash)
(Cut to doors, which are flying open, knocking over a nurse with a tray of surgical instruments. Gulliver comes in...)
Gulliver: (rushing up to Pither) No time to lose - we must make for Moscow tonight. (Grabs Pither and pulls him out.)
(The window comes down on the doctor's fingers.)
Doctor: Aaaaagh!
(Gulliver and Pither rush out of doors of Casualty Dept. They slam the door. Casualty sign drops on the heads of the people on the third bench.)
(Cut to camp fire at midnight in a forest clearing. By the light of the fire, Pither is writing up his diary.)
Pither (V.O.): Sept 4th. Well I never. We are now in the Alpes Maritimes region of Southern France. Clodagh seems more intent on reaching Moscow than on rehearsing her new BBC1 series with Buddy Rich and the Younger Generation.
(Gulliver enters the scene. His head is still bandaged but he has a goatee beard.)
Pither: Hallo!
Gulliver: We cannot stay here. We must leave immediately. There is a ship at Marseilles.
Pither: I did enjoy your song for Europe, Clodagh.
Gulliver: I have seen an agent in the town. My life is in danger.
Pither: Danger, Clodagh?
Gulliver: Stalin has always hated me.
Pither: No one hates you, Clodagh.
Gulliver: I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum.
Pither: I suggest you have a little lie down, my dear. There is a busy day of concerts and promotional visits tomorrow.
Gulliver: I. One of the founders of the greatest nation on earth. I! Who Lenin called his greatest friend.
(From the darkness we hear French voices.)
M. Brun: Taissez-vous. Taissez-vous.
Pither: Oh dear.
Gulliver: I! who have fought and suffered that our people should live.
(Pair of middle class froggies in their prix-unis pyjamas appear.)
M. Brun: Taissez-vous. Qu'est-ce que le bruit? C'est impossible.
Pither: Er... my name is Pither.
M. Brun: Oh... you are English?
Pither: Er yes. I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall, taking in Bude.
Gulliver: I will not be defeated. I will return to my land and continue the fight against this new tyranny.
Pither: This is Clodagh Rogers, the Irish-born girl singer.
Mme. Brun: Mais oui (sings) Jack-in-a-box, I know whenever love knocks (M. Brun joins in) Eh!! Genevieve, Gerard. C'est Clodagh Rogers la chanteuse Anglaise.
(Happy shouts from off as two small froggies in their teens appear in pyjamas with autograph books and run up to Gulliver. Gen. offers her book to Gulliver.)
Gulliver: They will never silence me. They will nev...
Gen.: Excusez-moi Mam'selle Clodagh. Ecrivez vous votre nom dans mon livre des celebrites. (Gulliver takes book.) S'il vous plait. La, au-dessous de Denis Compton. (Gulliver, having signed, hands the book back.) Merci... oh! Maman. Ce n'est pas la belle Clodagh.
Mme. Brun: Quoi?
Gen.: C'est Trotsky le revolutionaire.
M. Brun: Trotsky!
Mme. Brun: Trotsky ne chante pas.
M. Brun: Un peu.
Mme. Brun: Mais pas professionalement. Tu penses de Lenin.
M. Brun: Lenin!! Quel chanteur: 'If I ruled the world'.
(Cut to stock shot of famous Lenin-addressing-the-crowd scene doctored so that we can dub the words
'Every day would be the first day of spring' onto it.) (Cut back to clearing as before.)
Gulliver: Lenin. My friend. I come. (He dashes off into the forest possessed.)
Pither: (aux Bruns) Oh excuse me, she's not very well you know, pressure of work, laryngitis... (He gets on his bike and pedals off hurriedly after Gulliver into the forest.)
M. Brun: (still reminiscing) Et Kerensky avec le 'Little White Bull'.
Mme. Brun: Formidable.
(Cut to a few quick shots of Gulliver dashing through the trees and then of Pither making much slower progress due to his bike.)
(Cut to a shot possibly of two frogs in a signal box, but probably a mundane setting and it's not worth wasting too much time on, of Gulliver passing within sight of the two aforesaid frogs; Frog1 and Frog2.)
Frog1: (seeing Gulliver) Maurice! Regardez! C'est la chanteuse Anglaise Clodagh Rogers.
Frog2: Ah mais oui! (sings) Jacques dans la boite (he switches on a nearby horn gramophone and the song is heard throughout the forest)
(Cut to Russian street. Pither cycles along with Gulliver, looking like Trotsky, on the back.)
Pither (V.O.): After several days I succeeded in tracking down my friend Mr. Gulliver to the outskirts of Smolensk.
(Cut to military man in studio. He has a large map of Europe and Russia and a stick with which he raps at the places.)
Military Man: Smolensk. 200 miles west of Minsk. 200 north of Kursk. 1500 miles west of Omsk.
(Cut back to Pither.)
Pither: Thank you.
(They've stopped by a signpost that says: Smolensk Town Centre 1/2 Tavistock 1612 m. )
Pither (V.O.): Anyway, as we were so far from home, and as Mr. Gulliver, still believing himself to be Trotsky, was very tired from haranguing the masses all the way from Monte Carlo,
(Cut to military man who thumps the map again.)
Military Man: Monte Carlo. 100 miles south of Turin. 100 west of Pisa. 500 miles east of Bilbao.
(Cut back to Pither.)
Pither: Thank you. I decided to check...
Pither (V.O.): I decided to check...
Pither: No, you go on.
Pither (V.O.): I decided to check him into a hotel while I visited the British Embassy to ask for help in returning to Cornwall.
(By the end of this speech, they are leaving the bicycle on the kerb and entering a door with the sign "Y.M.A.C.A." over it, looking like a Y.M.C.A. sign. Over this...)
