by Monty Python
2nd Radio Voice: It's 9 o'clock and time for 'Mortuary Hour'. An hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery for all those who work in mortuaries, introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey. (sinister chords).
Shirley: Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.
(A door at the back of the mortuary opens and Mr Wang, an official of the Department of Stiffs, enters. He wears an undertaker's suit and top hat plus a long blond wig.)
Wang: Turn that radio off and look lively!
Battersby: Oh, it's 'Mortuary Quiz', Mr Wang...
Wang: Don't argue, Battersby.
(We hear voices off. Officials at the door spring to attention. Enter a mayor with a chain round his neck, and an elderly peer of the realm who is standing on a small platform, pushed by an attendant.)
Mayor: ... This is our mortuary in here, Your Grace ...
Peer: I say, I say, I ... er ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I ... I can't think of anything to say about it.
Mayor: Well, we're very proud of it here, sir. It's one of the most up to date in the country.
Peer: I see... yes... yes ... now... um... what... what... ah... ah... what is it? .... it a power station?
Mayor: No, Your Grace, it's a mortuary.
Peer: I see ... I see ... good ... good ... good, good, good...
Mayor: But it has one of the most advanced thermostat control systems in the country, and it has computer-controlled storage facilities.
Peer: I see, I see ... I ... er... er... er... er ... I ... er ... I'm a good little doggie.
Mayor: I'm sorry, Your Grace?
Peer: I'm a good little dog.
Attendant: Oh dear...
Mayor: Perhaps we should postpone the visit?
Attendant: No, no, no - you see it's just that his brain is so tiny that the slightest movement can dislodge it (starts to slap the duke's head from side to side gently but firmly) Your Grace ... Oh dear... it's rather like one of those games you play where you have to get the ball into the hole ... That's it.
Peer: Ah! Now then, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. Now then ... ah ... what happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?
Mayor: (ushering everyone out) Perhaps we should go and have a look at the new showers?
Peer: Yes... yes ... yes ... yes... yes rather jolly good... jolly good .. jolly good ... jolly good ... no fear...
(They leave. Battenby turns the radio on again.)
Radio Voice: Well the answers were as follows: 1) the left hand, 2) no, 3) normal, 4) yes it has, in I963 when a bird got caught in the mechanism. How did you get on?
(Two men behind him push in a trolley with sheet-covered corpses on it.)
Wang: Turn that thing off!
Battersby: Oh! It's 'Mortuary Dance Time', Mr Wang!
Wang: Never mind that, Battersby, this is the big one. I've just had Whitby Police on the phone ...
Battersby: Oh yes, I just heard about that on the radios ...
Wang: No, these are twelve different ones ... so shtoom.
(Battersby and friend gather round the body. Wang joins them. They start to work away busily and efficiently on the corpse. We suddenly become aware that Badger is standing with them around the body.)
Badger: I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.
Wang: What?
Badger: For one pound I'll leave this sketch totally uninterrupted.
Wang: What?
Badger: Fifty pence ... I'm prepared to negotiate a forty-pence deal. (an eye peers out from under the sheet on the corpse they are working on) For 35P I won't interrupt any of the next three items.
(The corpse is now sitting up waiting to see what happens. Another corpse sits up as they continue arguing. The sheet is pushed back on another trolley revealing a boy and girl on the same stretcher. They light cigarettes.)
Wang: No, no, it's no good...
Badger: 25p.
Wang: No.
Badger: 10p and a kiss.
(ANIMATION: with Gilliam's hands in shot.)
Terry Gilliam: (voice over) You see, it's very simple - I just take these cut-out figures and by putting them together... oh, you mean we're on?... (Gilliam's head appears briefly) Sorry.
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Olympic Hide-and-Seek Final
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 35
* * *
The cast:
COMMENTATOR
Eric Idle
FRANCISCO HURON
Terry Jones
DON ROBERTS
Graham Chapman
FRANK BOUGH
Michael Palin
OFFICIAL
Michael Palin
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
REDCOAT
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'FINAL OF THE HIDE-AND-SEEK SECOND LEO'
(Zoom in on commentator and the two finalists, forty-year-old men limbering up in shorts and singlets.)
Comentator: Hello, good afternoon and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's Hide-and-Seek here in the heart of Britain's London. We'll be surfing in just a couple of moments from now, and there you can see the two competitors Francisco Huron the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker (we see Francisco Huron darting about, looking behind things) and there's the man he'll be looking for ... (we see Don Roberts practicing hiding) our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form. And now in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday, Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world record time of 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds, in a sweetshop in Kilmarnock. And now they're under starter's orders.
(We see Don Roberts and Francisco Huron standing side by side, poised, looking nervous.)
Starter: (voice over) On your marks... get set...
The starter fires his pistol. Francisco Huron immediately puts his hands over eyes and starts counting.)
Francisco: Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinque, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez ...
(Meanwhile Don Roberts hails a cab. He gets in and it drives off)
Francisco: ... trientay dos, trientay tres, trientay quattro...
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '32, 33, 34'
Commentator: Well Don off to a really great start there. Remember the Paraguayan has got l1 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours... (cut to taxi on the way to London airport) 3 minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.
(Cut back to Frandsco still counting.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: '998, 999, 1000'
Francisco: Neuvecian no nuevetay ocho, nuevecientas nuevente ye nueve, mil. (Francisco takes his hands from his eyes and shouts) Coming!
(He starts looking around the immediate locality suspiciously. We see a plane landing. There is a sign saying 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Cut to Don on a bicycle. Then running up a hill. Then going into castle. Running along corridors and eventually pausing, looking around agitatedly, and then hiding behind a pillar. Occasionally he looks out nervously. Then cut to Francisco looking in shops in the Tottenham Court Road. Cut to studio 'Sportsview' desk with a Frank Bough man at it.)
Frank Bough: Well, we'll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.
CAPTION: 'SIX YEARS LATER'
(Cut back to desk. Frank Bough looks older.)
Frank Bough: We've just heard that something is happening in the Hide-and-Seek final, so let's go straight over there.
(Cut to film of Francisco Huron. He is wandering around looking for Don. Roberts in a beach setting. The commentator is some way from him. He speaks quietly into a microphone.)
Comentator: Hello again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts. And I've just been told that he has been told that he has been unofficially described as 'cold'. Ah, wait a
minute. (in the distance Francisco Huron consults with an official; the commentator moves out of shot briefly, then returns) I've just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket for Budapest! So he's definitely getting warmer. So we'll be back again in just a few years.
(Cut to Frank Bough looking older. He is covered with cobwebs.)
Frank Bough: Really beginning to hot up now.
CAPTION: 'FIVE YEARS, TWO MONTHS AND TWENTY-SIX DAYS LATER'
(Cut to a Portuguese-looking setting. Francisco Huron looking round desperately and glancing at his watch.)
Commentator: So here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final. Huron now has less than twelve hours left to find British ace Don Roberts. Early this morning he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus valley. But Roberts is over fifteen hundred miles away, and it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting. The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this sefior of seek, perspicacious Paraguayan. He's still desperately cold and it's beginning to look like another gold for Britain.
(The camera shows Huron creeping up on a dustbin. He pauses, snatches off the lid and looks inside. He turns away disappointed then does double take and looks back into the bin. He pulls out a sardine tin with the word 'Sardines' very obvious. Shot of Huron's reaction as he suddenly gets a tremendous idea. He snaps his fingers and hails a taxi and gets in. Cut to plane landing. Same sign as before 'Benvenuto a Sardinia'. Francisco cycles past. Cut to him discarding the bike and running up the hill straight into the castle. He runs along corridors into the right room, up to the pillar and finds Don Roberrs sulking behind. They both look very tense as they await the official result, then react in fury and frustration when it is announced by a blazered offical.)
Official: The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek, Mr Don Roberrs from Hinckley, Leicestershire, 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. Mr Francisco Huron, Paraguay, 11 years, a months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. The result - a tie.
Voice Over: A tie! Well what a fantastic result. Well the replay will start tomorrow at 7.30 a.m.
(As they stand there the camera pans off them to a window and then zooms through the window to reveal a beach where there is a Redcoat.)
Redcoat: Well hello again .... nice to be back ... glad to see the series has been doing well. Well now, sorry about Mon-trerx.
(At this point two men run past in the background carrying.a donkey. A third runs behind carrying a sign saying 'Donkey Rides' and winking and pointing at the donkey, they run out of picture.)
Redcoat: That was a little item entitled Hide-and-Seek - very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but very nice for the younger people. Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a sitting room. Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of 'Clothmerle'...
(He is hit by Mr Robinson with a chicken. Robinson walks away and we follow him as he passes Badger in the foreground.)
Badger: This is a totally free interruption and no money has exchanged hands whatever.
(The camera doesn't pause at all on Badger and we continue panning with Robinson until he reaches the knight in amour. He hands the chicken to the knight. He walks away from knight and into the distance.)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
The Cheap-Laughs
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 35
* * *
The cast:
MR. ROBINSON
John Cleese
MRS. ROBINSON
Carol Cleveland
MR. CHEAP-LAUGH
Terry Jones
MRS. CHEAP-LAUGH
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Mix through to a modern sitting room. Mrs Robinson is eating alone at the table looking at the clock.)
Mr Robinson: Sorry about that, darling... (he sits)
(She serves him some vegetables. He unfolds his napkin.)
Mrs Robinson: Gravy?
Mr Robinson: Yes please, dear.
(They sit and eat in silence. Suddenly the doorbell rings.)
Mrs Robinson: Oh dear, that'll be the Cheap-Laughs from next door.
(Various different doorbell sounds and chimes. Mr Robinson goes to the front door, and opens it. Standing outside are Mr and Mrs Cheap-Laugh. He is wearing a big floppy comedian's suit and a big bow tie and fright wig. She is a Mrs Equator sort of lady, with an enormous hairstyle, and dressed in very bad taste.)
Mr Robinson: Come in.
Mr Cheap-Laugh: No! Just breathing heavily!
(He and his wife roar with laughter. As he comes in he slips and falls on the mat. His wife puts a custard pie in his face. More roars of laughter.)
Mrs Cheap-Laugh: Oh we just dropped in.
Mr Robinson: Would you like to come through...
(We mix through to the exterior of a house at night. Shrieks of laughter, crushes of crockery. The two men with the donkey run past in road, the third man behind pointing to the sign.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ONE EVENING WITH THE CHEAP-LAUGHS LATER'
(The light comes on in hall. Cut to them in the hall at the front door.)
Mr Cheap-Laugh: Well goodnight and give us a kiss. (kisses Mrs Robinson)
Mrs Cheap-Laugh: Oh thank you very much for a very nice evening.
Mr Cheap-Laugh: After you, dear.
(He trips her up and she falls out into the darkness. We hear her shriek with laughter. Mr Cheap-Laugh drops his trousers, makes lavatory chain pulling sign and noise and hurls himself out after wife and disappears into the darkness. More laughter. The host shuts the door. They heave a sigh of relief and go back into the sitting room. The crockery on the table is all smashed in a heap on the floor with the table cloth. The standard lamp is broken in half. There are large splodges of food and wine splashes on the walls. Some glasses and a moustache are drawn on the Tretchikoff picture of the Chinese girl. Mr Robinson flops down on the sofa. There is a farting cushion. She removes it, irritated.)
Mrs Robinson: Oh honestly dear, why do we always have to buy everything just because the Cheap-Laughs have one?
(He goes over to the wall cupboard for drinks. A bucket Of whitewash is balanced on the half-open door. He opens the cupboard and the bucket of whitewash Jails on him. Cut briefly to a Mr Badger.)
Badger: This is not an interruption at all.
(Cut back to Mr Robinson. He pours himself a drink, without reacting to the whitewash.)
Mr Robinson: It's just neighbourliness dear, that's all...
Mrs Robinson: I think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.
(She opens a sewing box and a boxing glove on a spring comes out and hits her on the chin.)
Mr Robinson: Can't you be serious for one moment?
(He sits on the pouffe. The sixteen-ton weight falls on him. Cut to the exterior of the house. The lights go off downstairs and upstairs. The two men run past carrying a pantomime goose.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LATER THAT NIGHT'
(Cut to a darkened bedroom. Mr and Mrs Robinson are in a double bed, talking.)
Mr Robinson: I'm sorry I was cross earlier.
Mrs Robinson: Oh that's all right, dear. It's just that I. get so sick of always having to be like the Cheap-Laughs.
Mr Robinson: Well yes, from now on we'll be like ourselves.
Mrs Robinson: Oh Roger...
Mr Robinson: Oh Beatrice.
(The bed springs up and folds into the back wall of the bedroom. On the underneath of the bed is a presenter on a chair.)
* * *
Return to the sketches index
Bull-Fighting /
The British Well-Basically Club
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 35
* * *
The cast:
PRESENTER
Eric Idle
BRIGADIER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(On the underneath of the bed is a presenter on a chair. The underneath of the bed also consists of a flat as for current affairs-type programme, with 'Probe' written above narrator.)
Presenter: Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull-fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the British Well-Basically Club.
(Cut to a brigadier.)
Brigadier: Well, basically it's quite apparent that these little dago chappies have got it all wrong. They prance round the bull like a lot of bally night club dancers looking like the Younger Generation or a less smooth version of the Lionel Blair Troupe, (getting rather camp) with much of the staccato rhythms of the Irving Davies Dancers at the height of their success. In recent years Pan's People have often recaptured a lyricism ... (a huge hammer strikes him on the head; he becomes butch again) and what we must do now is to use devices like radar to locate the bull and SAM missiles fired from underground silos, to knock the bull over. Then I would send in Scottish boys with air cover to provide a diversion for the bull, whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off. That to me would be bull-fighting and not this pansy kind of lyrical, (getting camp) evocative movement which George Balanchine and Martha Graham in the States and our very own Sadler's Wells ... (the hammer strikes him on the head again) Troops could also be used in an auxiliary role in international chess, where... (the lights go off) What? ... oh...
