by Monty Python
Gaskell: Let's go.
(Cut to exterior. Gaskell is seated on the back of the messenger's horse and they gallop off. The dinner crowd are standing waving on the doorstep.)
Dinner Crowd: Good luck, Sir Philip!
(Cut to a British standard fluttering in the breeze against the blue sky. Fanfare. Two Elizabethan gentlemen, and four men dressed as Elizabethan soldiers are standing on a cliff top. Gaskell strides up to them, and takes up position on topmost point of the knoll.)
Gaskell: Where are the Spaniards?
Elizabethan Gent: Down below Sir Philip, their first boats are landing even now.
(Shot of a sailing-galley seen from above.)
Gaskell: Right, you stay here, I'll go and get them.
Elizabethan Gent: Sir Philip! Not alone!
(Cut to the beach. Suspense music. Gaskell strides up to the camera, until he is towering over it. The music reaches crescendo.)
Gaskell: Allo allo! What's going on here?
(Cut to beached rowing boat piled high with bundles of dirty magazines. Two Spaniards are unloading it.)
Spaniard: Ees nothing, Senor, ees just some literature.
Gaskell: I know what literature is, you dago dustbin. I also know what porn is. (pulls out a loose magazine and brandishes it) What's this then eh?
Spaniard: It is one of Lope De Vega's latest play, Senor.
Gaskell: 'Toledo Tit Parade'? What sort of play's that?
Spaniard: It's very visual, Senor.
Gaskell: Right. I'm taking this lot in the name of Her Gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth.
Spaniard: Oh, but Senor.
Gaskell: Don't give me any trouble. Just pile up these baskets of filth and come with me.
(The second Spaniard leaps out of the boat with a drawn sword and they both engage Gashell in a fight. Then we start to draw away from them, leaving them tiny dots in the distance fighting. Fight music over all this and voice over.)
Voice Over: The battle raged long and hard, but as night fell Sidney overcame the Spaniards. 6,000 copies of 'Tits and Bums' and 4,000 copies of 'Shower Sheila' were seized that day. The tide of Spanish porn was stemmed. Sir Philip Sidney returned to London in triumph.
(Cut to stock film of Elizabethan London street during celebrations.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LONDON 1583'
(Cut to side on close up of Gaskell riding hard through woodland)
Voice Over: Covered in glory, Sir Philip rode home to Pensburst to see. his beloved wife... but all was not well.
(Gaskell runs up outside another Tudor house and strides in. Cut to interior of an Elizabethan room - paneled walls, log fire, latticed windows, etc. Sir Philip's wife is sitting reading. Gaskell enters.)
Gaskell: Good evening all, my love. I have returned safe from the Low Countries. (she hurriedly hides the book she is reading under some knitting and starts whistling) What an thou reading, fair one?
Wife: Oh, 'tis nothing, husband.
Gaskell: I can see 'tis something.
Wife: 'Tis one of Shakespeare's latest works.
(Gaskell picks up the book and reads the title.)
Gaskell: Oh ... 'Gay Boys in Bondage' What, is't - tragedy? Comedy?
Wife: 'Tis a... er... 'tis a story of man's great love for his... fellow man.
Gaskell: How fortunate we are indeed to have such a poet on these shores.
Wife: Indeed. How was the war, my lord?
Gaskell: The Spaniards were defeated thrice. Six dozen chests of hardcore captured.
Wife: (trying to look innocent) Hast thee brought home any spoils of war?
Gaskell: Yes, good my wife, this fair coat trimmed with ermine.
Wife: (without enthusiasm) Oh, lovely, nowt else?
Gaskell: No, no fair lady. The rest was too smutty.
(He settles himself down in front of his lady's feet and the fire.)
Gaskell: Now, my good wife. Whilst I rest, read to me a while from Shakespeare's 'Gay Boys in Bondage'.
(The wife looks a trifle taken aback but reluctantly opens the book and starts to read with a resigned air.)
Wife: Yes... my lord ... 'Gay Boys in Bondage' . .. Ken, 25, is a mounted policeman with a difference... and what a difference. Even Roger is surprised and he's... (she looks slightly, sick with guilt) he's used to real men ...
Gaskell: 'Tis like 'Hamlet' ... what a genius!
Wife: 'But who's going to do the cooking tonight? Roddy's got a mouthful...'
(Enter Maddox - a modern-day plain-clothed policeman.)
Maddox: All right, this is a raid.
(The wife screams, Gaskell leaps to his feet.)
Wife: Oh! We are disgraced!
Gaskell: There you are, Maddox!
Maddox: Cut the chat... and get in the van.
Gaskell: Maddox! You recognize me...
Maddox: Indeed I do, Sir Philip Sidney, and sad I am to see you caught up in this morass of filth, (he picks up the book) ooh - that's a long one.
Wife: Oh oh... the glorious name of Sidney is besmirched ... all is lost ... oh alas the day.
Gaskell: Shut upl I know this man - this is my old mate Sergeant Maddox...
Maddox: You'll do time for this.
Gaskell: Oh Maddox - it's me - Gaskell ... 'F' division down at Acton ... Inspector Arthur Frodwell.
Maddox: Come on Sidney. (he bundles them both out) And you, miss.
Gaskell: I'm not Sir Philip bleedin' Sidney .... and where were you? We could have mopped up that Tudor shop...
(They are bundled out. Maddox pauses only to pick a book from the bookcase near the door.)
Maddox: Ooht That's a good onel
(Cut to outside a modern theatre stage-door Gaskell, still protesting, and wife are bundled out and into a police van. As it drives off, it reveals on the side of the theatre a poster saying: 'The Aldwych Theatre, The Royal Shakespeare Company Presents "Gay Boys In Bondage" By William Shakespeare'.)
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Silly Disturbances
(The Rev. Arthur Belling)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
* * *
The cast:
HE
John Cleese
SHE
Carol Cleveland
VICAR
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(We see a table outside a restaurant. A young couple are sitting blissfully at it.)
She: It's nice here, darling, isn't it.
He: It's beautiful, it's Paris all over again.
(Enter a vicar, dressed normally but has bald wig with fright hair at sides. He carries a suitcase.)
Vicar: Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?
He: Er, no... no... no... not at all.
Vicar: Are you sure you don't mind?
He: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Vicar: You're sure I won't be disturbing you?
He: No, no.
Vicar: You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?
She: No, no really.
Vicar: Good. Because I don't want to disturb you. Specially as you're being so kind about me not disturbing you.
He: Oh, no, no, we don't mind, do we, darling?
She: Oh no, darling.
Vicar: Good, so I can go ahead and ioin you then? Can I?
Both: Yes ... yes...
Vicar: Won't be disturbing?
Both: No. No.
Vicar: Good, good. You're very kind. (he sits down) A lot of people are far less understanding than you are. A lot of people take offence even when I talk to them. (he makes strange gestures with his hands) Let alone when I specifically tell them about my being disturbing.
He:.. Well, it's not particularly disturbing.
Vicar: No, absolutely, absolutely, that's what I always say. (he produces plates from his case and smashes them on the table) But you'd be amazed at the number of people who really don't want me - I mean, even doing this (h
e produces a rubber crab suspended from a ping-pong bat and a rubber baby doll and bobs them up and down, making loud silly noises as he does so) gets people looking at me in the most extraordinary way. (he breaks more plates and squirts shaving foam over his head; he and she get up to leave)
He: We must be getting on.
Vicar: I knew I'd disturb you ... I knew I'd disturb you ... (miserably) It always happens ... whenever I've found someone I really think I'm going to be able to get on with...
He: No, the only thing is, you see, we're going to be a little bit late.
She: (sitting down and comforting vicar) Let's stay.
He: Well, just a little bit... I mean, we will be late if we don't... (he sits down reluctantly)
Vicar: Oh, thank you. You're.very kind.
(More silly behaviour from the vicar. He and she look embarrassed. Dissolve to them sitting at home smashing plates, making silly noises and covering themselves with shaving cream.)
She: (voice over) As it turned out our chance meeting with Reverend Arthur Belling was to change our whole way of life, and every Sunday (film of them running into a church) we'd hurry along to St Loony up the Cream Bun and Jam.
(Hold shot of the church. Sound of a congregation standing. We hear the silly noises. Cut to nude organist (Terry Jones). He plays a fanfare.)
* * *
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The free repetition of doubtful words sketch, by an underrated author
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
John Cleese
PEEPEE
Eric Idle
CLERK
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
Voice Over: (and caption) 'THE FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS - SKIT, SPOOF, JAPE OR VIGNETTE, BY A VERY UNDER-RATED WRITER'
(A post office counter window, with 'Telegram Enquiries' over the top. We see this through an ornate vignette. The clerk is behind the counter. Enter Mr Peepee. They speak very stiltedly.)
Peepee: I've come for some free repetition of doubtful words on an inland telegram.
Clerk: Have you got the telegram in question?
Peepee: I have the very thing here.
Clerk: Well, slip it to me my good chap and let me eye the contents.
Peepee: At once Mr Telegram Enquiry Man.
Clerk: Thank you Mr Customer Man. (reads) Aha. 'Purling I glove you. Clease clome at bronce, your troving swife, Pat.' Which was the word you wanted checking?
Peepee: Pat.
Clerk: Pat?
Peepee: My wife's name is not Pat at all.
Clerk: No?
Peepee: It's Bat. With a B.
Clerk: And therefore I will take a quick look in the book.
Peepee: Ripping.
CAPTION: 'ONE QUICK LOOK IN THE BOOK LATER'
Clerk: You're quite right, old cock. There has been a mistake.
Peepee: I thought as much. What really does it say?
Clerk: It say 'Go away you silly little bleeder. I am having another man. Love Bat'. Quite some error.
Peepee: Yes. She wouldn't call herself Pat, it's silly.
Clerk: Daft, I call it.
Peepee: Well it has been a pleasure working with you.
Clerk: For me also it has been a pleasure. And that concludes our little skit.
(String quartet music starts to play, as at the beginning, only this time we widen to reveal a string quartet sitting in the set, playing. The clerk and Peepee adopt slightly frozen position. Mix to:)
Voice Over: (and caption) 'THE FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS THING, BY A JUSTLY UNDERHATED WRITER - THE END'
* * *
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Is there... life after death?
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
* * *
The sketch:
(Animation link to a late-night religious-type discussion. A chairman and three guests are slumped motionless in their seats.)
Roger Last (John Cleese):Good evening. Tonight on 'Is There' we examine the question, 'Is there a life after death?'. And here to discuss it are three dead people... The late Sir Brian Hardacre, former curator of the Imperial War Museum ... (superimposed captions identify them) the late Professor Thynne, until recently an academic, critic, and broadcaster ... and putting the view of the Church of England, the very late Prebendary Reverend Ross. Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not? Sir Brian? (silence) Professor? ... Prebendary?.... Well there we have it, three say no. On 'Is There' next week we'll be discussing the question 'h there enough of it about', and until then, goodnight.
SUPERIMPOSED CREDITS:
IS THERE'
INTRODUCED BY ROGER LAST
RESEARCH: J. LOSEY
L. ANDERSON
S. KUBRICK
P. P. PASOLINI
O. WELLES
THE LATE B. FORBES
PRODUCED BY: GILLIAN (AGED 3 l/2)
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The Man who says words in the wrong order
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
* * *
The cast:
BURROWS
Michael Palin
THRIPSHAW
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a doctor's surgery. The doctor has in front of him a plaque which says 'Dr E. H. Thripshaw'. Enter Burrows.)
Burrows: Good doctor morning! Nice year for the time of day!
Thripshaw: Come in.
Burrows: Can I down sit?
Thripshaw: Certainly. (Burrows sits) Well, then?
Burrows: Well, now, not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long. I'm going to come to point the straight immediately.
Thripshaw: Good, good.
Burrows: My particular prob, or buglem bear, I've had ages. For years, I've had it for donkeys.
Thripshaw: What?
Burrows: I'm up to here with it, I'm sick to death. I can't take you any longer so I've come to see it.
Thripshaw: Ah, now this is your problem with words.
Burrows: This is my problem with words. Oh, that seems to have cleared it. 'Oh I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee'. Yes, that seems to be all right. Thank you very much.
Thripshaw: I see. But recently you have been having this problem with your word order.
Burrows: Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse, sometimes at the end of a sentence I'll come out with the wrong fusebox.
Thripshaw: Fusebox?
Burrows: And the thing about saying the wrong word is a) I don't notice it, and b) sometimes orange water given bucket of plaster.
Thripshaw: Yes, tell me more about your problem.
Burrows: Well as I say, you'd just be talking and out'll pudenda the wrong word and ashtray's your uncle. So I'm really strawberry about it.
Thripshaw: Upset?
Burrows: It's so embarrassing when my wife and I go to an orgy.
Thripshaw: A party?
Burrows: No, an orgy. We live in Esher.
Thripshaw: Quite.
Burrows: ,That's what I said. such a bloody whack the diddle fa di la, fo di la, 1o do di ... do di do, rum fum.
Thripshaw: Mr Burrows, this is no common problem; You are suffering from a disease so rare that it hasn't got a name. Not yet. But it will have. Oh yes. This is the opportunity I've been waiting for. The chance of a lifetime! (zoom in to close up on him as lighting changes to dramatic spotlight) I'll show them at the Royal College of Surgeons! I'll make them sit up and take notice! Thripshaw's disease! Discovered by E. Henry Thripshaw MD! I'll be invited on 'Call My Bluff' and on merchandising the E. Henry Thripshaw t-shirt ... I'll turn it into a game ... I'll sell the film rights.
(sketch continues with Thripshaw's Disease)
* * *
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he sketches index
Thripshaws's Disease
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 36
* * *
The cast:
THRIPSHAW
John Cleese
MAN
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to front of a booklet, entitled 'A Dissertation on Thripshaw's Disease Presented to the Royal College of Surgeons by Dr f. Henry Thnpshaw'. Captions zoom forward over it:)
HARLEY STREET
FLEET STREET
BROADWAY
HOLLYWOOD
(A page of the book turns to reveal the title 'David O. Seltzer Presents '. The page turns again to reveal 'Rip Glint in: '. The page turns again to reveal a title in stone lettering ~ la Ben-Hut, with searchlights behind h la 20th-Century Fox: 'Dr E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease'. Cut to stock film of maraudlng knights.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SYR1A 1203'
(The knights sack a village, looting, pillaging, burning and murdering. Cut to a studio set with interviewer and Thripshaw.)
Interviewer: (speaking with frequent pauses, as of one reading from a slow autocue) That clip... comes from the new David O. Seltzer... film. The author... of that film clip ... is with me ... now. Doctor E. Henry ... Thripshaw.
Thripshaw: Well, I feel that they have missed the whole point of my disease.
Interviewer: This is .... always the problem ... with directors of film... clips.
Thripshaw: Yes, well you see, they've dragged in all this irrelevant mush...
Interviewer: What... are you doing ... now?
Thripshaw: Well at the moment I am working on a new disease, which I hope to turn into a musical, but, primarily we are working on a re-make of my first disease and this time we're hoping to do it properly.
