by Monty Python
(Cut to blackboard and entrance as they used to have in 'What's My Line'. A contestant comes from behind screen and starts to write his name.)
Voice Over: Our first contestant is a hairdresser from...
(A shot rings out and the contestant falls to the floor. Applause. Cut to a camp highwayman in a pink mask who blows smoke from a gun and puts it back in the holster.)
Highwayman: I never did like that kind of person... !
(A shot rings out. He dies. Cut to Dennis Moore on a horse blowing smoke from gun and putting it in his holster. He gallops off. We see him swooping down, after a couple of riding shots, on another stagecoach.)
Moore: Halt! Halt! (the stage comes to a halt and the occupants get out rapidly, their hands held high) Gentlemen, ladies, bring out your valuables please. Come along sir, come along. Come along, madam, come along. Oh, is that all you've got ... well, he's got much more than you ... so you'd better have some of his ... (transfres money from one passenger to another, dropping some)... sorry... pick them up in a moment... there's about oh, what, nine down there... so you must have about... oh, he's still got lots... oh you've got what? ... you've got more than he started with... so if I give you some of those (transferring more coins) ... well now, look ... have you got a bit of jewellery? If I give you that one and you have some of his coins (the credits start, superimposed) ... is that another box? Were you trying to hide it? Well, that's nice! Right! Now. I've got a tiara ... you've got one... you've got one of the boxes... you've got one... anyone else got a tiara? Take your hat off! (passenger does so to reveal a tiara)... Oh, honestly, it's absolutely pointless trying to do this if you're going to cheat. It really is awful of you;.. (fade out)
CAPTION: 'ERRATUM. JACK BODELL WAS BORN IN SWADLINCOTE IN DERBYSHIRE'
(Cut to the inside'of a bus. A judge is sitting there in full robes, looking rather unhappy. He is obviously one of the competitors from earlier. His friend tries to cheer him up.)
Friend: I thought you should have won. I mean, judicially you swept the board ... all right, he has posture, but where was he in the summing up?
(Behind these two another judge is sitting with his mother, crying.)
Mother: Oh shut up Melford, there's always next year.
(Another judge further back petulantly rips up his number card. We cut to the outside back of this bus. The destination board says 'The End'. As the bus drives away we hold on a board sticking out from a building which reads 'Hospital... sorry no cheques'.)
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TV4 or not TV4?
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show
* * *
The cast:
KENNEDY
Eric Idle
THROAT
Terry Jones
SAPPENHEIM
Graham Chapman
KINWOODIE
John Cleese
LOONE
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(A TV debate set-up. Stern music starts as the lights come on.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTIONS:
'THE GREAT DEBATE'
'NUMBER 31'
'TV4 OR NOT TV4?'
Kennedy: Hello. Should there be another television channel, or should there not? On tonight's programme the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.
Throat: Good evening.
Kennedy: The Chairman of the Amalgamated Money 'IV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.
Sappenheim: Good evening.
Kennedy: The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.
Kinwoodie: Hello.
Kennedy: And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.
Loone: Hello.
Kennedy: Gentlemen - should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?
Throat: Yes.
Kennedy: Francis.
Kinwoodie: No.
Kennedy: Sir Abe?
Sappenheim: Yes.
Kennedy: Patrick.
Loone: No.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'YES 2 NO 2'
Kennedy: Well there you have it. Two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's 'Great Debate' will be about Government Interference in Broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.
(The lights fade down. Music.)
SUPERIMPOSED ROLLER CAPTION:
'THE GREAT DEBATE
INTRODUCED BY LUDOVIC LUDOVIC
WITH SIR ABE SAPPENHEIM
IAN THROAT MP
LORD KINWOODIE
MR PATRICK LOONE'
(Behind this the pond members are seen gesticulating strangely in silhouette. Fade out.)
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Ideal Loon Exhibition
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 37
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
MR. JUSTICE BOURKE
Eric Idle
P.A. ANNOUNCER
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to stock film of people queuing at an exhibition hall.)
Voice Over: Well it may be the end of that, but it's certainly far from the end of- well in fact it's the beginning - well not quite the beginning - well certainly nearer the beginning than the end - well yes damn it, it is to all interns and purposes the beginning of this year's Ideal Loon Exhibition, sponsored by the 'Daily Express'. (cut to interior of hall, people pouring through the doors; above their head~ it says 'ideal Loon Exhibition) Numbskulls and boobies from all over the country have been arriving to go through their strange paces before a large paying crowd. This is the fifteenth Ideal Loon Exhibition and we took a good look round after it was opened by its patron ... (quick flash Edward Heath opening something) There's Kevin Bruce the digger duffer from down-under, who's ranked fourteenth in the world's silly positions league... (Kevin is in a roped-off exhibition area; with a number in front of him; people are walking past looking at him with programmes; he is dressed in Australian bush gear and he is leaning his forehead against a goldfish bowl on a four-foot-six plinth) This kind of incoherent behaviour is really beginning to catch on down-under. There's Norman Kirby from New Zealand, whose speciality is standing behind a screen with a lady with no clothes on ... (again in an exhibition stand with a number in front; there is a screen which is higher than their heads, but it is cut off at knee height so you can see two pairs of legs, one female, totally bare, one male wearing some enormous boots, no socks) In real life, Norman is a gynaecologist, but this is his lunch hour. And from France there's a superb exhibition of rather silly behaviour by the Friends of the Free French Osteopaths. (on the stand five men dressed in Breton berets, striped French shim, silly moustaches, with baguettes; in unison they make the silly sign, counting the while 'un, deux, trois) They do this over four hundred times a day. Nobody knows why. But for sheer poindess behaviour you've got to admire Brian Broomers, the batfling British boy who for two weeks has been suspended over a tin of condemned veal. (quite a crowd watch this; again a roped-off exhibit, Brian is suspended from the ceiling by two car tyres; he lies there smoking a pipe; underneath him there is a small opened tin, with 'veal' on the side) Always popular with the crowd, is the Scotsman with Nae Trews exhibit, and this year's no exception. (a very large man dressed as a Scotsman in front of a sign saying 'Scotsman with Nae Trews Exhibit, Sponsored by Natural Gas'; an enormously long line of middle-aged pepperpots stand waiting in a queue; each in turn lifts up a comer of Scotsman's kilt, has a tiny peek and walks off) Sponsored by Natural Gas and Glasgow City Council, this exhibit is entirely supported by voluntary contributions. But for a truly magnificent waste of time you've got to go no further than the exhibit from Italy - Italian priests in custard, discussing vital matters of the day. (four Italian priests standing up to their chests in a large vat of custard; in front of them it sqs 'Italian Priests in custard'; they are
animatedly discussing vital matters; hung behind them is a sign saying 'Italy, Land of Custard) These lads from a seminary near Cremona, have been practising for well over a year. As always one of the great attractions of this fourteen-day exhibition is the display of counter-marching given by the Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites of the Colwyn Bay Massed Pipes and Toilet Requisites Club. (a dozen people in blazers, flannels and white pumps are vigorously counter-marching, whilst Souza's Star Spangled Banner blares out; they are holding various items of plumbing, lengths of piping, a toilet, a bidet, a bath, back scrubbers, loofahs, shower attachments, hand basins, etc.) An interesting point about these boys is they all have one thing in common. Hip injuries. Not far away the crowds are flocking to see a member of the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Geese. (cut to pantomime goose on horseback) But the climax of the whole event is the judging.
(Cut to a sort of Miss World cat-walk. A judge appears (holding number 41. A band plays 'A pretty girl is like a melody'.)
PA Announcement: Mr Justice Burke. (the judge walks down, turns slightly at the edge of the stage, puts a knee forward and makes a cheesecake smile) Well that's the last, and let's just see those last six once again. (the judge on the stage is joined by five others in full judicial robes, with wigs, each holding a number) And the winner is - number 41, Mr Justice Burke.
(The winner reacts by bursting into tears. The others look rather sad. Cut to a still picture of Mr Justice Burke in bed having breakfast the next morning. He is still wearing his robes and wig but he has a sceptre and a terrible tiara crown on. This picture is in black and white and is large on the front page of a newspaper. The headline is Justice seen to be done'. A subheading says 'British Justice Triumphs '. This newspaper page takes us off into a couple of minutes of animation.)
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Party Political Broadcast (choreographed)
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
POLITICIAN
John Cleese
CHOREOGRAPHER
Eric Idle
* * *
The sketch:
CAPTION: 'A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY'
Voice Over: There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Conservative and Unionist Party.
(Cut to a politician sitting on a chair. He is in fact in a rehearsal room, but we don't see this for the first six lines.)
Politician: Good evening. Figures talk. We have already fulfilled over three of our election pledges before the end of our second year of good Conservative rule. And, what is more (gets up and starts to do dancing movements as he speaks) We hope ... that in the aut-tumn we shall int-ro-duce leg-is-lat-tion in the House to bene-fit all those in low-er in-come groups. And fur-ther-more we hope...
(Enter a choreographer.)
Choreographer: No, no, no, no... look, luv, it's and... (does the movements) one and two and three and four, and five and six and seven and down.
Politician: (trying the last bit) ... five and six and seven and down... it's so much harder with the words.
Choreographer: Well, don't think of them. Just count four in your head.
Politician: And ... one and fur-ther two and three and ... no, I can't really...
Choreographer: Yes, well come on and do it with me, come on. And ...
Both: Fur-ther-more we hope that we can stop the ris-ing un-em-ploy-ment.
(they finish up with finger on chin, as in a thirties musical)
Choreographer: And point 'unemployment' with your finger.
Politician: I see. I can do it when you're here.
Choreographer: I won't be far away. All right, Neville love, we're going from 'unemployment' through 'pensions' into 'good government is strong government' and the walk down, all fight? And ... cue, love.
Politician: And fur-ther-more we hope that we can stop the ris-ing un-em-ploy-ment at a stroke or e-ven quick-er.
(Enter a line of six male dancers, doing high kicks and a dance routine.)
Dancers: And so when you get a chance to vote, Kind-ly vote Con-ser-va-tive. (the politician joins in) Rising prices, unemployment, Both stem from the wages spiral Curb inflation, save the nation, Join us now and save the economy.
(They give an awful wave and cheesecake smile at the end, and hold it.)
Choreographer: That's where you'll get the bunting and the ticker tape, Chris. Right, big smiles, everybody, remember you're cabinet ministers. And relax. (only now do they stop smiling and waving) Lovely, it's trans at eight, so nobody be late.
(The camera crabs away. Through an open door it passes we see two Labour MPs, one on points, the other walking around with his hands on his hips. They are in leotards and dancers' leg warmers.)
Labour MPs: We in the Lab-our Par-ty have al-ways made our po-si-tion quite clear·.. we have al-ways been op-posed to...
(The camera continues to crab away. It coma to a door which says 'Star' on it. We zoom into this and mix through to:)
ANIMATION: Wilson and Heath dance to 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy '.
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'A Book at Bedtime' - The Red gauntlet
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
* * *
The cast:
VOICE OVER
Eric Idle
JEREMY
Michael Palin
SECOND READER
John Cleese
THIRD READER
Eric Idle
TECHNICIAN
Graham Chapman
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to studio: a silhouette of a man sitting on high stool with book.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A BOOK AT BEDTIME'
Voice Over: 'Book at Bedtime' Tonight Jeremy Toogood reads 'Redgauntlet' by Sir Walter Scott.
(The lights come up.)
Jeremy: Hello. (he follows the words closely with a finger and reads with great difficulty) The sunsoot... the siunsiett... the sunset! .. the sunset... waas... was was... the sunset was... deeing ... d ... ying dying... o ... over... the ... hile ... hiel.., heels ... halls ... hills! of... slow ... Sol ... way ... Firth... The... love piper... the lone piper... the lone piper... on... the .., bait ... ly ... ments ... (smiles nervously) ... of Edingrund ... dydburing... Edingbir... Edinburgh! Castle ... was... siluted ... sil ... sillhou...
(Another man enters, takes the book bin his hands rather testily and stands by the chair. He smiles apologetically at the camera and reads.)
Second Reader: The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth. The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Casde was silhouetted against the crim ... crim ... crimisy .., crimson! against the crimson strays ... stree ..,
(One more reader enters and reads over his shoulder)
Third Reader: Streaked!
Second Reader: Streaked?
Third Reader: Crimson-streaked sky ... in the shadows of... crrignu...
(He can't make out the next word. The second reader also tries to puzzle it out and eventually Jeremy pulls the book down towards him and they all try to puzzle it out. A lot of head shaking. A technician enters wearing heaphones.)
Technician: Cairngorml In the shadows of Cairngorm! Third Reader In the shadows of Cairngorm, the l... layered...
(A second technician and a make-up girl enter.)
Second Technician: Laird! The Laird of Monteu ... Montreaux...
Make-up Girl: Montrose.
All: The Laird of Montrose!
Second Technician: Gal-lopped...
Jeremy: Galloped!
(Everybody joins in helping with words. We mix through to Edinburgh Castle at dusk. Continues into the 'Kamikaze Scotsman' sketch)
