by Monty Python
CAPTION: 'YOU CAN SAY THAT AOAIN'
(Cut to a tennis player in a changing room taking off his gym shoes. In the background two other players discuss shots.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DR LEWIS HOAD'
Hoad: These IQ. tests were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias against the penguin. For example, it didn't take into account the penguins' extremely poor educational system. To devise a fairer system of test, a team of our researchers spent eighteen months in Antarctica living like penguins, and subsequently dying like penguins - only quicker - proving that the penguin is a clever little sod in his own environment.
(Cut to the scientist.)
Scientist: Therefore we devised tests to be given to the penguins in the fourth set ... I do beg your pardon, in their own environment.
Voice: Net!
Scientist: Shh!
(Cut to a professor and team surrounding penguins standing in a pool)
Professor: What is the next number in this sequence - 2, 4, 6. . .
(A penguin squawks.)
Professor: Did he say eight? ... (sighs) What is...
(Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: The environmental barrier had been removed but we'd hit another: the language barrier. The penguins could not speak English and were therefore unable to give the answers. This problem was removed in the next series of experiments by asking the same questions to the penguins and to a random group of non-English-speaking humans in the same conditions.
(Cut to the professor and his team now surrounding a group of foreigners who are standing in a pool looking bewildered.)
Professor: What is the next number? 2, 4, 6... (long pause)
Swedish Person: . . . Hello?
(Cut back to the scientist.)
Scientist: The results of these tests were most illuminating. The penguins' scores were consistently equal to those of the non-English-speaking group.
(Cut to the foreigners having fish thrown at them, which they try to catch in their mouths, and a penguin with a menu at a candlelit table with a woman in evening dress and a waiter trying to take an order.)
(Cut to Dr Hoad taking a shower.)
Hoad: These enquiries led to certain changes at the BBC ...
(Cut to the boardroom of BBC. Penguins sit at a table with signs saying 'Programme Controller', 'Head of Planning', 'Director General'. Noise of penguins squawki'ng. Cut to the penguin pool Hoad's voice ever.)
Hoad: While attendances at zoos boomed.
(The camera pans across to a sign reading 'The programme planners are to be fed at 3 o'clock'.)
Voice Over: Soon these feathery little hustlers were infiltrating important positions everywhere.
(Mr. Gilliam's animation shows penguins infiltrating important positions everywhere.)
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Unexploded Scotsmen
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
* * *
The cast:
FIRST MAJOR
Eric Idle
SECOND MAJOR
John Cleese
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to Red Square.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE KREMLIT'
(The 't' is crossed out and 'n ' written in. Cut to two Russian majors in a conference room.)
First Major: Svientitzi hobonwy kratow sveguminurdy.
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLES: 'THESE ARE THE VERY IMPORTANT SECRET DOCUMENTS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT'
Second Major: We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.
(Superimposed subtitle in Russian.)
First Major: (speaks in Russian)
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'WHAT?'
Second Major: (looking up) Look out!
SUPERIMPOSED SUBTITLE: 'REGARDEZ LA!'
(They cower as MacDonald flashes through the skylight and lands on the table where he lies rigid with his knees drawn up. He ticks ominously.)
Second Major: He hasn't gone off.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ZE HABE NICHT OESHPLODEN'
First Major: (speaks in Russian)
SUBTITLE: 'QUICK! RING THE UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN SQUAD'
Second Major: Yes my General!
(Superimposed subtitle in Chinese.)
(Cut to a phone ringing on the branch of a tree. Pull back to show a Scotsman lying on his back with his knees drawn up in the middle of a field. Two Russian bomb experts are crawling towards him cautiously.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD'
(They go to work on him. Tense close ups. They sweat. Finally they remove his head. One of them runs hurriedly and places it in a bucket labelled 'Vodka '.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'WHISKY'
(The sound of drunken gurglings comes from the bucket.)
* * *
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'Spot the Looney'
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
* * *
The cast:
PRESENTER
Eric Idle
SVENSSON
Terry Jones
DAME ELSIE
Michael Palin
MILES
Terry Gilliam
VOICE OVER
Michael Palin
SCOTT
Graham Chapman
DICKENS
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Fade it out as camera in studio pans down to the presenter.)
Presenter: And welcome to 'Spot the Loony', where once again we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to . .. Spot the Loony!
(crescendo of music)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'ALL ANSWERS VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA'
Presenter: Our panel this evening... Gurt Svensson, the Swedish mammal abuser and part-time radiator.
(Cut to Svensson. He is standing on his head on the desk with his legs crossed in a yoga position. He wears a loincloth and high-heeled shoes. He talks through a megaphone which is strapped to his head.)
Svensson: Good evening.
(Cut back to the presenter.)
Presenter: Dame Elsie Occluded, historian, wit, bon viveur, and rear half of the Johnson brothers...
(Cut to another section of the panel's desk. Dame Elsie. Her bottom half is encased in the side of a block of concrete which is also on top of the desk. Dame Elsie is thus parallel to the ground. She has fairy wings on her back, a striped t-shirt, flying gloves, goggles and a green wig.)
Dame Elsie: Good evening.
(Cut back to the presenter.)
Presenter: And Miles Yellowbird, up high in banana tree, the golfer and inventor of Catholicism.
(Cut to final section of the desk. A man dressed as a rabbit, with a megaphone strapped to one eye.)
Miles: Good evening.
Presenter: And we'll be inviting them to... Spot the Loony. (a phone rings on the desk; he picks it up) Yes? Quite right ... A viewer from Preston there who's pointed out correctly that the entire panel are loonies. Five points to Preston there, and on to our first piece of film. It's about mountaineering and remember you have to... Spot the Loony!
(Cut to a shot of a mountain. Very impressive stirring music.)
Voice Over: The legendary south face of Ben Medhui, dark ... forbidding...
(In the middle distance are two bushes a few yards apart. At this point a loony dressed in a long Roman toga, with tam o 'shanter, holding a cricket bat, runs from one bush to the other. Loud buzz. The film freezes. Pull out pore screen to reveal the freeze frame of the film with the loony in the middle bush on the screen immediately behind the presenter. The presenter is on the phone.)
Presenter: Yes, well done, Mrs Nesbitt of York, spotted the loony in 1.8 seconds. (cut to stock fiilm of Women's Institute applauding) On to our second round, and it's photo time. We're going to invite you to look at ph
otographs of Tony Jacklin, Anthony Barber, Edgar Allan Poe, Katy Boyle, Reginald Maudling, and a loony. All you have to do is ... Spot the Loony! (cut to a photo of Anthony Barber; the buzzer goes immediately) No ... I must ask you please not to ring in until you've seen all the photos.
(Back to the photo sequence and music. Each photo is on the screen for only two seconds, and in between each there is a click as of a slide projector changing or even the sound of the shutter of a camera. The photos show in sequence: Anthony Barber, Katy Boyle, Edgar Allan Poe, a loony head and shoulders. He has ping-pong ball eyes, several teeth blocked out, a fright wig and his chest is bare but across it is written 'A Loony', Reginald Maudling, Tony Jacklin. A buzzer sounds.)
Presenter: Yes, you're fight. The answer was, of course, number two! (cut to stock film of Women's Institute applauding) I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer. The correct answer should of course have been number four, and not Katy Boyle. Katy Boyle is not a loony, she is a television personality. (fanfare as for historical pageant; a historical-looking shield comes up on screen) And now it's time for' 'Spot the Loony, historical adaptation'. (historical music) And this time it's the thrilling medieval romance: 'Ivanoe'... a stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry, set midst the pageantry and splendour of thirteenth-century England. All you have to do is, Spot the Loony.
CAPTION: 'IVANOE'
(Cut to a butcher shop. A loony stands in the middle (this is the same loony from 'Silly Election' with enormous trousers and arms inside them and green fright wig). Another loony in a long vest down to his knees with a little frilly tutu starting at the knees and bare feet is dancing with a side of beef also wearing a tutu. Another loony in oilskins with waders and sou 'water ard fairy wings is flying across the top of picture. Another man dressed us a bee is standing on the counter. Another loony is dressed as a carrot leaning against the counter going: 'pretty boy, pretty boy'. A cocophony of noise. We see this sight ier approximate6~ five seconds. Fantastic loud buzzes.)
Presenter: Yes, well done, Mrs L of Leicester, Mrs B of Buxton and Mrs G of Gotwick, the loony was of course the writer, Sir Walter Scott.
(Cut to Sir Walter Scott in his study.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'SIR WALTER SCOTT 1771 - 1832,
Scott: (looking through his papers indignantly) I didn't write that! Sounds more like Dickens...
(Cut to Dickens at work in his study. He looks up.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'CHARLES DICKENS 1812 - 1870'
Dickens: You bastard!
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Rival Documentaries
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 38
* * *
The cast:
FIRST PRODUCER
John Cleese
SECOND PRODUCER
Michael Palin
TINKER
Graham Chapman
VOICE
Terry Jones
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to a documentary producer standing in forested hillside.)
First Producer: Was Sir Walter Scott a loony, or was he the greatest flowering of the early nineteenth-century romantic tradition? The most underestimated novelist of the nineteenth century... (another introducer of documentaries comes into shot and walks up to the first) . . . or merely a disillusioned and embittered man ...
Second Producer: Excuse me ... (pointing at the microphone) can I borrow that, please.
First Producer: ... yes.
Second Producer: Thank you. (he immediately starts on his own documentary) These trees behind me now were planted over forty years ago, as part of a policy by the then Crown Woods, who became the Forestry Commission in I924. (he starts to walk towards the forest) The Forestry Commission systematically replanted this entire area...
(The first producer follows behind.)
First Producer: Excuse me.
Second Producer: Sh! That's forty thousand acres of virgin forest. By I980 this will have risen to two hundred thousand acres of soft woods. In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia... an evergreen E1 Dorado... (the first producer runs and makes a feeble grab for the mike)... a tree-lined treasure trove ... No ... a fat fir-coned future for the financiers ... but what of the cost...
First Producer: It's mine!
Second Producer: (to first producer) Go away ... in human terms? Who are the casualties?
(The first producer makes a lunge and grabs the mike. He stops and the camera stops with him.)
First Producer: For this was Sir Walter Scott's country. Many of his finest romances, such as 'Guy Mannering' and 'Redgauntlet'...
Second Producer: Give that back!
First Producer: No. (they grapple a bit. The first producer just manages to keep hold of it as he goes down onto the ground) Scott showed himself to be not only a fine...
(The second producer manages to grab the mike and runs off leaving the first producer on the ground. The camera follows the second producer.)
Second Producer: (running) The spruces and flowers of this forest will be used to create a whole new industry here in...
The first producer brings him down with a diving rugby tackle and grabs the mike.)
First Producer: ... also a writer of humour and...
(They are both fighting and rolling around on the ground.)
Second Producer: Britain's timber resources are being used up at a rate of...
(The first producer hits him, and grabs the mike.)
First Producer: One man who knew Scott was Angus Tinker.
(A sunlit university quad with classical pillars. Gentle classical music. Tinker is standing next to one of the pillars. He is a tweed-suited academic.)
CAPTION: 'ANGUS TINKER'
Tinker: Much of Scott's greatest work, and I'm thinking here particularly of 'Heart of Midlothian' and 'Old Mortality' for example, was concerned with... (at this point a hand appears from behind the pillar and starts to go slowly but surely for the mike) preserving the life and conditions of a... (the mike is grabbed away from him)
Voice: Forestry research here has shown that the wholly synthetic soft timber fibre can be created... (Tinker looks behind the pillar to discover a forestry expert in tweeds crouched) ... leaving the harder trees, the oaks, the beeches and the larches... (Tinker chases him out into.the quad) and the pines, and even some of the deciduous hardwoods.
CAPTION: 'A FORESTRY EXPERT'
Forestry Expert: This new soft-timber fibre would totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards at present dominating the...
(A Morris Minor speeds up round the quad and passes straight in front of the expert and the first producer's hand comes out and grabs the mike. Cut to interior of the Morris Minor as it speeds out of quad and out into country. The first producer keeps glancing nervously over shoulder.)
First Producer: In the Waverley novels... Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of life...
(He ducks as we hear the sound of a bullet ricochet from the car. Cut to shot through the back window. The second producer is chasing in a huge open American 1930's gangster car driven by a chauffeur in a thirties kit. He is shooting.)
First Producer: ....safeguarding nationalist traditions and aspiration, within the necessary limitations of the gothic novel...
(More bullets. The American car draws level. The second producer leans over trying to grab the mike. Still attempting to say their lines, both of them scramble for the microphone as the cars race along. Eventually the cars disappear round a corner and we hear a crash.)
(Cut to Toogood, surrounded by people, holding the book very close to his face and peering closely at the print. MacDonald lies on the floor in front of them.)
Toogood: Then... then... the... the end! The End. (looks up)
* * *
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'Dad's Doctors' and other Interesting Shows
As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Epi
sode 38
* * *
The cast:
CONTINUITY VOICE
Eric Idle
DOCTOR
Terry Jones
MAN
Terry Gilliam
JUDGE
Terry Jones
LOONY
Michael Palin
* * *
The sketch:
(Cut to BBC world symbol)
Continuity Voice: (ERIC) Tomorrow night comedy returns to BBC 'IV with a new series of half-hour situation comedies for you to spot the winners. Ronnie Thompson stars in 'Dad's Doctor'... (cut to a doctor with no trousers)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DAD'S DOCTOR'
Continuity Voice: ... the daffy exploits of the RAMC training school. He's in charge of a group of mad medicos, and when they run wild it's titty jokes galore. (medical students run past him waving bras) Newcomer Veronica Papp plays the girl with the large breasts. (a young lady runs past wearing only briefs) Week two sees the return of the wacky exploits of the oddest couple you've ever seen - yes, 'Dad's Pooves'...
(A kitchen set. A man in sexy female underwear. Another man dressed as a judge, runs in with flowers.)
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'DAD'S POOVES'
Continuity Voice: ... the kooky oddball laugh-a-minute fun-a-plenty world of unnatural sexual practices. (the first man spanks the judge with a string of sausages) Week three brings a change of pace with a new comedy schedule. With Reg Cuttleworth, Trevor Quantas, and Cindy Rommel as Bob, in 'On the Dad's Liver Bachelors at Large', (caption of this title and several loony still photos of the cast) keeping the buses running from typical bedsit land in pre-war Liverpool. That's followed by 'The Ratings Game' - the loony life of a BBC programme planner with the accent on repeats.
