It was early April, so the weather should have been warming, but winter seemed to be giving us one last shove before spring took over. Flurries swirled through the purple sky above our heads, and I remembered the way Lucas had looked, so long ago, in the early morning snow, after Vincent had attacked Derek and me. I’d never been so happy to see him, bare chested, snow in his hair, and grinning at me.
I actually stopped walking when my gut wrenched. Derek looked down at me.
“What is it?” he asked, putting his hand on my arm.
I was about to tell him it was nothing when a rush of ice-wind smacked my face. I looked over and Calvin was there. I should have screamed, but I was too stunned. I just stood there. Petrified.
Derek was the one with all the reactions. Without a word, he sprang forward and tried to pummel Calvin, but he dodged the blow and they began to fight. Not physically fight, but there was a lot of yelling. I couldn’t follow most of it because they did this annoying vampire thing where they talk ultrafast. Basically, Calvin tried to apologize and Derek told him to shove off.
For the first time in over a month, something other than pain and loss enveloped me. Relief. At least one thing had been accomplished by my suicide mission: Derek no longer wanted anything to do with vampires.
Calvin said something to Derek with a swift nod in my direction. I winced, watching Derek’s body begin to quake violently. His eyes faded to clear and he said slowly enough for me to hear, “Go now, Calvin, or I’ll show you the true meaning of death.”
Calvin’s perfect lips curled. “Big mistake, Turner. We’ve given you all the time you’ll receive to get over the incident on Keystone. Refusing us now will mean death on your hands.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
With a shake of his head, Calvin flitted away in another rush of wind.
Derek came to stand by me and put his arms around my waist, trying to comfort me. He murmured sweet things in my ear, telling me he’d never let anyone hurt me again.
I tried my best to believe him.
It was mid-April when I finally started feeling normal again, or at least seminormal. I still had a festering gaping wound in my heart where all the love I’d ever felt used to be, but you know, other than that.
My grades were abysmal, I was probably going to fail my final coming up, and I’d never been so tired in my life, but at long last the beginnings of recovery were creeping in on me.
April, however, was also when the murders started up again. Big time. Calvin had warned us it would happen, and boy was he right.
I was sitting in Derek’s room, zonked out on the couch and staring blankly at the TV when the word exsanguinated filtered through my stupor. I sat up and hit the volume.
“Two more bodies were found,” the anchorman said, “in an alleyway in Old Town, Fort Collins. The victims were both twenty years old and attended the Colorado State University. The police still have no leads on the killer. If anyone knows anything about the murders, we urge you to call the crime stoppers hotline on your screen.”
I made a face at the TV. Oh, right. I’ll just call 1-800-CRIMESTOPPERS and tell them that the killer is a lair full of vampires. That’ll go over well.
The doorknob turned and Derek entered.
I clicked the TV off. “I thought you were picking up something to eat,” I said, a little crestfallen. I hadn’t eaten all day for lack of appetite, and now I was famished.
Derek grunted noncommittally as he locked the door behind him.
“You won’t believe what was on the news just now,” I said. “Two girls were murdered last night. Can you believe it?”
Derek swung around and cursed. “So much for ‘we can handle this matter ourselves.’ Stupid dogs.” He snorted and kicked a stray book across the room.
Derek had been feeding the pack false information for the past few weeks and facing a lot of heat for not getting closer to the vampires as he’d been instructed to do. The pack had enough spies around us to know he no longer went to their lair, but Derek claimed to still speak with them via phone. The pack wasn’t happy about this, but Derek refused to budge. He had offered to help find the lair in other ways, but they’d plainly refused him.
Majorly insulting.
It hurt his pride that the pack refused his help, and I totally got it. They’d refused me, too. I opened my arms for him, and he came to sit beside me on the couch, still brooding. I threw a blanket over us and cuddled into his side.
“They’re only doing this because of what I told Calvin,” he said. “You know that, right? It’s like some sick little incentive to get me to go back to them. If I join up again, they’ll stop killing. If not, people die. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”
I bit my lip. Derek couldn’t go back to the vampires, not after everything I’d done to get him away from them.
“I guess we just have to trust the pack to take care of it,” I said. “They swear up and down they don’t need any help so . . .”
“So just sit around and pretend like it’s not happening?”
I shrugged. “You’ll get used to it.”
He growled low in his throat and punched his fist into a pillow. The stupid thing exploded like a feather bomb and coated us both with down. I looked up at him, trying to keep from laughing because I knew this was a serious situation, but the look on his face—I couldn’t help it.
I cracked up, crying with laughter like I hadn’t experienced in months, and pretty soon Derek joined in. He threw the pillow across the room and shook his head. “No wonder they don’t want my help. Derek Turner: Pillow Punisher.”
I snorted.
“You know, we don’t have to join up with the pack to help,” Derek said. “We could do something together.”
“Go all vigilante on their asses?”
Now he snorted. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Except we’re just as clueless as the pack is when it comes to locating the lair.”
“Not if I get the vampires to show me where it is.”
I looked up at him, narrowing my eyes. “That sounds dangerous.”
“What, did you think we’d skip through the daisies up to their house and offer them a basket of muffins in exchange for laying off the murders?”
I elbowed him in the side. “Since when are you Mr. Sarcastic?”
“Since I started spending so much time with you.”
I elbowed him again, only more lightly, since I’d hurt myself before. “I don’t want you anywhere near the vampires again,” I said. “That’s not something I’m willing to risk. Not after . . .” I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “We’ll just trust the pack. They swore to protect us, and we’ll only end up getting in the way if we try to intervene.”
“Well, that’s very mature of you.”
“It’s called being smart. Try it sometime.” I gave him a sly look out of the corner of my eye, and he brushed an affectionate kiss on my cheek, effectively stunning me into silence.
“Wanna see what’s on?” he asked, flipping the remote in his hand.
“It’s not like there’s an uprising to thwart or anything.”
Ironically enough, Dracula was on the classic movie channel, and we couldn’t help but watch it given the circumstances. Halfway in, we were laughing at a corny bat-morphing scene when I said, “How sweet would that be?”
“What?” he said, still chuckling.
“If you could change into a bat, or something cool like that.”
“Wolves are cool.”
“Yeah, but bats can fly.” I turned and smiled up at him, one of the rare ones I saved only for him. “You could pick me up and fly me away somewhere.”
He bent and kissed my forehead. “Anytime, baby. Say the word and we’re gone.”
I looked away. “If only it was that simple.”
“It is. We get on a plane and go. I can sell that stupid car the vampires gave me, and we’d have money to live off of for a year.” He took my face, making me look at him.
“Say the word and I’ll do it. We’ll get out of here, away from the vampires, the pack, Lucas.”
I winced and he smoothed his thumb over my cheeks, shushing me.
“The pain would stop,” he whispered. “You could move on.”
I swallowed back a rush of emotion. Such sweet, tempting words. . . . I wanted so badly to take him up on his offer. Derek and I could travel, I could start taking pictures again, and we could be happy—best friends forever. Maybe even more than that someday.
But the thought of never seeing Lucas again broke the moment of felicity. To leave Colorado would seal our break-up in the most permanent of ways. There would be absolutely no chance that I would ever see him again.
It was a thought I couldn’t handle.
I managed a weak smile for Derek’s sake and said, “My mom would kill me if I dropped out of school.”
Derek’s face fell, but he picked it right back up. “Yeah, you’re right. My dad would freak, too.”
I turned back to the movie, watching Dracula seduce some chick and then crunch her neck up with his stick-on fangs.
Derek stretched next to me and said, “Be right back.”
He got up and crossed the room, doing something by the fridge, probably getting a sip of blood. I turned the TV up and averted my eyes because I didn’t like to watch him. He hadn’t had any more cravings in a while, so he was definitely due. . . . But then again, I didn’t remember the runt dropping off any more supply this week either.
Derek turned around and flicked the TV off. He came toward me slowly, something odd glinting in his eyes, something ... hungry. His vibe, too, was serious. Determined.
“Hey,” I said, nervous at his sudden flip of emotions. It was moments like these that reminded me how young he was in the supernatural world. “You okay?” I asked.
“Perfect,” he said, still eyeing me intently.
“You seem a little hungry.” I sat up, stretching my legs out.
“I am. Very.”
It felt like someone had drilled a hole in my stomach. I stood up instantly. “We should go eat,” I said. “We should go eat right now.” The food wouldn’t sate his blood crave, but it might hold him off if he was hurting. I started searching for my purse, but I had barely moved before Derek cut me off.
“No.” We were inches away, his body so close, I could feel its coolness like a winter breeze. He swept his hands along my arms up to my throat, gathering my hair away from the skin. “I don’t want food. I want you.”
I gulped and tried to back away, but found I was already pressed against the wall. How did that happen?
“No, Derek. I don’t want to. Let’s just go get some food. It might help.”
“I told you,” Derek said, bending his face to mine. “I don’t want food. I want you. Right now.”
I shook my head, feeling tears creep into my eyes. I wanted to repay him for everything he’d done for me and to make up for all the wrong I’d done to him, but not like this. I was not his pet. “Please,” I whimpered. “I don’t want you to do this.”
“I have to. I can’t resist you anymore. It’s too much. The dog isn’t in the picture now. You have no excuses.”
I began to protest, but he put a finger to my mouth.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” he said, lips close to mine. “And I’m not going to stop. I’m not going to stop until I’m completely satisfied.... Until my hunger for you is finally sated.” His pale pink lips curved up into a crooked smile, and his eyes sparkled.
He was joking. Playing like he wanted my blood when really he wanted ... me.
“You jerk,” I whispered. He smiled more broadly, that heart-stopping boyish smile that melted my heart. Every time.
I drew in a ragged breath, thought briefly of putting up a fight, and then said to hell with it. Lucas left me. He wasn’t my boyfriend anymore. And Derek had always been my first love. Derek would be a good boyfriend. He would keep me safe, and I could certainly enjoy kissing him.
And somehow, the thought of kissing Derek felt like a first step. A step toward moving on. A step away from Lucas and the fiery hot coals I’d been dragging myself over. A step into the snow-covered ground, where it was cool and soothing over my singed skin.
Something to heal the wounds ... or at the very least, numb them.
So I shut my mouth and closed my eyes, silently giving Derek the go-ahead to kiss me. I felt his frigid hands slip behind my head and down along my back. His cool breath tingled over my cheek and the tips of his teeth scraped against the soft skin beneath my jaw.
Suddenly memories of his bite swept over me in a rush of pure need. That sweet nothingness his bite had induced was exactly what I wanted—just a moment to forget about Lucas and everything I’d lost. To feel happy again ... it was all I wanted. But I knew it wasn’t right.... I couldn’t use Derek that way.
“Don’t bite me,” I whispered, hating the words as I said them.
I felt his lips break into a smile along my cheek. “Oh, all right,” he said. And he pressed his lips against mine, snarling his fingers through my hair and holding my body to his. Derek and I had kissed a hundred times before, but everything was different now. His lips weren’t warm anymore; they didn’t give when he pressed them to mine. They didn’t taste of his sweetness. They were like unrelenting marble, bruising against my skin, yet somehow still pleasing. Everything was cold; my heart pounded as his lips parted mine and my breath came raggedly. I wanted him to bite me so badly. . . .
I knew it wasn’t going to solve anything—but as we kissed, I could think of nothing else. I wanted to try it again, just once more. Just one bite.
I turned my head, and Derek kissed my jaw, moving up to my earlobe, pulling my hair back. I arched my body into his, willing him to do it. He kissed my neck, his hands clutching me ever closer.
I pressed onto my tiptoes, panting with anticipation.
But Derek pulled back, his forehead still touching mine. “Do you want me to?” he whispered.
I answered him with a nod, turning my head just slightly. A flicker of doubt played in his eyes, and then they darkened with the crave. I swept my fingertips lightly over his eyelids; he was so unearthly beautiful I couldn’t look away. My old friend.
He bent over my throat, just underneath my jaw. His breath froze my skin, giving me shivers as I waited for my high to come, my moment of relief. His lips touched my skin, and I almost whimpered in desperation.
“Do it,” I begged.
Derek kissed my skin tenderly. “No,” he whispered, coming back to look at me.
“I want you to,” I said. “Please.”
But he shook his head, and his eyes dissolved into that ultralight blue. “I don’t want it to be like that,” he said. “You’re not food. You’re my best friend. I love you.”
I winced at the words, knowing how much he meant them and feeling a pang of guilt at not being able to say them back. I did love him, but not the way he wanted me to. I was about to push away from him, to forget this whole thing, when Derek took my face and kissed me so sweetly, so slowly and carefully it erased the broken feelings inside—just for a moment. It was almost as good as his bite.
And I kissed him back, becoming wrapped up in his wintry lips again. He was fantastic, almost good enough to make me lose myself. I wanted it to go on forever, and I suddenly realized that it could. This wasn’t temporary the way it was with Lucas. There was no danger. Well, maybe a little danger, but if Derek bit me, he’d stop before he took too much. He didn’t want human blood badly enough to kill me. Besides, he seemed very much in control. I’d all but begged him to bite me and he’d refrained.
The realization made my head spin and my body warmed beneath Derek’s cold hands. We don’t have to stop.
Derek seemed to be thinking the exact same thing because he scooped me up in his arms and lowered me onto his bed with one hand while his other tugged his shirt over his head. I gasped, taking in the gloriousness of his body. He couldn’t be meant
for me—not after everything I’d done to him.
But all he wanted was me. All he’d ever wanted was me. And now, finally, I could give myself to him. Somewhere inside, this thought shredded through me like a buzz saw, but I ignored it.
He left me. I’m not his anymore. I have to let it go. . . .
Derek unbuttoned my jeans and yanked them off with one swift tug; my body went wild with nerves. He lowered himself onto the bed and laid his long, hard body on top of mine, stroking the hair from my eyes with loving fingers.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” he said softly. “We always said we’d be each other’s first.”
I tried to say something, but the words were smothered underneath Derek’s kisses. He was so cold; my entire body was frozen like I was buried underneath an avalanche. It was numbing—I couldn’t feel anything, least of all what I was supposed to be feeling: that this was right, that this felt good.
Suddenly, I longed for warmth. I longed to feel two hot arms surrounding me, sweet dark eyes melting my heart away, and heat surging beneath every touch. I saw a pair of perfect lips behind my closed eyes. They creaked into this crooked little grin, and I smiled back without thinking about it.
Then my eyes snapped open.
This was wrong.
This wasn’t going to happen.
Derek’s hand crept down and down, his thumb hooking into the seam of my underwear. I snatched at his wrist.
“No,” I said. “I can’t do this.”
“Sure you can,” Derek said gently. “I won’t hurt you. I don’t even want to bite you, I really wasn’t thinking about that. Believe me.”
“That’s not it. We shouldn’t do this just because we can, just because we always said we would.” I paused. What I was about to say would hurt him more than anything else I would ever say. But I had to be honest. “I miss Lucas,” I admitted.
For a moment there was silence. Then Derek’s face coiled into a snarl, and he sat up. I did too.
“I still love him,” I blundered on. “I still want him, even after everything we’ve had to go through. And I love you too, it’s just different.”
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