by Kai Juniper
"But I should have. I should've told you, not the doctor. I was going to do it today. I was calling the hospital all morning, asking when they'd be moving you. When I found out they did, I raced over here to tell you."
"Don't worry about it." I take her hand. "They had me so high on drugs I'm sure I wouldn't have even remembered if you told me. Half the time when I heard someone beside me I couldn't tell if it was real or a dream."
"What about now?"
I smile, rubbing her hand, feeling her soft skin. "This is real."
"How do you feel?"
"I'm okay."
"Dean. It's me. How do you really feel?"
"Like shit but it's good. Means I'm healing."
"If you're in pain, tell them. They'll up your meds."
"I don't want the meds. They make me dizzy and tired. I need to be alert so I can figure out what the hell to do about Jake."
Brook sits on the side of my bed, looking down at our joined hands. "I'm so sorry, Dean. It was my fault. I should've went and got him at school. I wasn't even thinking."
"Brook, what the hell? Look at me."
Her eyes rise to mine, glistening with tears.
"This isn't your fault. Jake isn't your responsibility. And you didn't know my dad would go there. Or that the school had an early out that day. Even I didn't know that."
"Yes, but I knew it was your dad that did this to you. And I should've known he'd go to Jake next."
"Brook, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault. My dad did this. He's probably been planning it for months. There's nothing you could've done."
"It doesn't feel that way. I feel like I could've prevented this."
"You couldn't. Even if you'd gotten Jake from school, my dad would've found him and taken him. He doesn't stop until he gets what he wants, and he takes out anyone who gets in his way. That would've been you, and if he'd hurt you—or even laid a hand on you—I'd have to kill him."
"Dean, don't say that. You'd never kill someone."
"I would've killed him when he attacked me if I'd had a gun."
"Then it'd be self-defense."
I'm not telling Brook this but I would've killed him even if it wasn't self defense, especially after he told me he wanted Jake.
"What happened that day?" she asks. "Can you tell me or do you not want to talk about it?"
The images flash in my head. His fist coming at me. Being thrown against the wall. Him digging the knife in my neck.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say, blinking several times in an attempt to make the images go away.
Brook nods. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
"It's okay you asked. I'm just not ready." I swallow, feeling a tug along the incision in my neck. He stabbed me. He could've killed me. He almost did.
"Did they tell you anything?" I ask. "About that day?"
"Not much. When you didn't show up at school, I got worried. I kept calling and texting but didn't get anything back. By lunch, I was panicking. I asked Danny to take me to your house. When we got there, the police officer was there and told us you'd been brought to the hospital. We went there but they wouldn't let us see you so Danny and I went to get Jake at school. That's when we found out he was gone."
She looks down, her shoulders slumped, tears sliding down her cheeks.
"Brook." I squeeze her hand. "This isn't your fault. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault."
She nods, keeping her head down. She doesn't believe me. I don't know what to do to convince her there was nothing she could've done to stop this.
I wish I could pull her into my arms and hold her but I can't. So I just keep holding her hand, my other hand lifting to her face to wipe her tears. It hurts like hell to lift my arm like this but I need to touch her. Just being near her, I already feel better.
"I love you," I whisper.
Her head rises and she looks at me. "I love you too." Her eyes go over my face and her lips turn up into that smile of hers I love so much. "You look better."
"I do? I haven't seen a mirror but I was thinking I probably look like shit."
"You still have the bruises but the swelling is down." She runs her hand down the side of my face, barely skimming it. "Does that hurt?"
"I hardly feel it. Try somewhere else."
"Like where?"
I smile at her. "Wherever you want."
She bites her lip. She gets what I was implying and leans down to my face, her lips barely touching mine and yet my body still reacts, wanting her, needing her.
When she starts to pull away I place my hand on the back of her head, keeping her there as I kiss her. Her lips part and I feel her breath, warm and sweet. God, I've missed her. The sound of her voice. Her scent. Her touch. I slip my tongue past her lips and feel her body relax, her chest resting against mine.
"You finally awake?" I hear someone say. "Oh, shit. Sorry."
Brook gets off me and stands up. "Danny."
He's standing there with an awkward smile. "I'll just uh...go wait in the cafeteria."
"It's okay," Brook says, smiling at him. "We're done."
"Like hell we are," I say. "Get back here."
"Later," she says. "You just got out of the ICU. You should be resting, not getting all...worked up."
Danny snickers. "Getting worked up is a good sign. Means things are working again."
"Okay, new topic," Brook says, her cheeks turning pink. "Look Dean! Danny's here."
"I see that," I say, laughing at her rosy cheeks. She doesn't need to be embarrassed. I can kiss my girlfriend.
"How's it going, man?" Danny says, coming up beside me.
"I've been better."
"You still look like shit but you sound better."
"Danny!" Brook scolds.
"What? He knows he looks like shit."
"Actually, I don't," I say. "I haven't seen a mirror."
"Trust me, you look like shit but I would too if it'd happened to me. Remember that party we went to when I got in that fight?"
I smile. "Yeah, you looked pretty bad."
"What happened?" Brook asks.
"This guy thought I took his girl," Danny says. "Turns out it was some other guy who looked like me. Anyway, the guy was drunk and came at me with a beer bottle. I didn't know what the hell was going on. I fought back and then the guy's friend starting punching me. Long story short, I had to get stitches all over my face. It wasn't as bad as that." He points to Dean. "But it was close."
"I have a better face to begin with," I say. "So even like this, I look better than you did after that fight."
"Bullshit," he says, pretending to be offended.
Brook laughs. "Let's just say Dean looks a lot better compared to Monday."
"That's fair." Danny sits beside me. "So how you feeling?"
"Like I just got hit by a couple three hundred pound linebackers."
He shrugs. "Two? That's not bad. It's better than four."
"Is everything about football with you two?" Brook asks.
"Pretty much," we both say.
It's good to have Danny here. I've missed him. It feels like home having him and Brook here. Now I just need Jake back.
How I do find him? I don't even know where to look. I just know we need to find him soon. If we don't, we never will.
Chapter Ten
Brook
It's good to see Dean awake and alert and on the road to recovery. He's really improved the past couple days. I just hope he'll be able to rest now that he knows what's going on with Jake.
I wanted to be the one to tell him but the police beat me to it. I wasn't sure how Dean would react but he's taking it better than I thought he would. When Danny showed up, Dean actually smiled and laughed, which I didn't think was possible given what's going on. But maybe Dean's convinced his dad wouldn't hurt Jake, or maybe he's just hiding his feelings. I don't want him hiding his feelings from me. He should be able to tell me anything.
The same is true for me. I need to tell De
an about my dad's plan to send me back to Haverhill. I'm not actually going back there but I still need to tell him this because it's something major going on in my life and something I need to share with him. But not now, not with so much else going on.
Danny and I head back to school for the afternoon, and when classes end, Eve drops me off at the hospital on the way to her job.
"You sure you're okay?" she asks. "Because I can be late to work if you need me."
"I'm good." I get out of the car. "Thanks for driving me."
"Anytime. Tell your man I said hi!"
"I will." I shut the door and watch as she drives away. She colored her hair with streaks of purple last night. It looks good on her.
When I get to Dean's room, he's sleeping. I sit by his bed and look through my phone for any updates about his brother. There hasn't been anything all day on the news, which worries me. I didn't think the story would go away that fast. It needs to stay in the news so people keep looking for Jake.
"Brook?" Dean says in a groggy voice.
"Right here." I get up, taking his hand and leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Did you have a good nap?"
"No. Nightmares," he says, taking a deep breath. He cringes from the pain. Every time he breathes, his ribs hurt, and probably the rest of him too. I know he's in a lot of pain but he refuses to admit it.
"Nightmares about Jake?"
"And you." His eyes go to mine. "I keep having nightmares where he's attacking you."
"Your dad? He doesn't even know me."
"In my dreams he does. He hurts you to get back at me."
"For what? You didn't do anything."
"For taking Jake from him. And for saving my mom."
"You didn't take your brother. Your mom left you with him. And what do you mean you saved your mom? What did you do?"
"I got her to the hospital."
"What are you saying? That your dad tried to...kill her?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he says, looking down at his hand in mine. "Tell me about your day."
I want to know more about what happened to his mom but I don't want to upset him by asking. Just bringing her up has him agitated.
"There's not much to say," I tell him. "I had a test in physics. I think I did well but I didn't study much so maybe I didn't do as well as I thought. I'll find out tomorrow."
"Brook, I don't want you falling behind at school because of me. You don't have to be here all night."
"I want to be here. I miss you. And I don't want you being here alone. Oh—Danny wanted me to tell you the guys are coming here after practice. The whole team, including your coach."
"Why?" Dean says like he's annoyed, but I see a hint of a smile creeping up his face. "So they can tell me how shitty I look?"
"Because they miss you, and they care about you. They were all here Monday night too. And there were other people from school. The waiting area was packed and spilling out into the hall."
"I wasn't even awake on Monday."
"I know, but they still wanted to be here. You're lucky to have friends like that. People who actually show up. My friends from back home would send flowers or cards but they wouldn't show up."
"Why? They don't like hospitals?"
"They wouldn't want to take the time to come here. It's easier to just send flowers."
"They sound like shitty friends. You still talking to them?"
"Not really. I talk to Jane but not very often." I pause, wondering if I should tell him. I might as well. It's been on my mind all day and I just need to say it. "My dad called the other night."
"Yeah? What about?"
"He said he's decided to pay for school."
"That's great, but didn't you already tell me that?"
"I was talking about college."
"Isn't that what we're talking about?"
I look down, not sure I want to tell him this. I thought I did but now I'm wishing I'd waited. He has enough on his mind. He doesn't need to worry about this too. Then again, there's nothing to worry about. I'm not going back.
"Brook, what is it? What's going on?"
"My dad offered to pay for me to go back to my old school." I look up at Dean. "Actually, he didn't just offer. He already paid for it."
Dean turns his head and looks out the window. "So when are you going?"
"What? Dean, no, I'm not going."
"Why wouldn't you?" He looks back at me. "This is what you wanted. You've been talking about it since the beginning of school."
"Back then I DID want to go back there. I don't now. I have friends here. I have YOU. I'm not going back."
"It's a better school. You've told me more than once that leaving your old school meant you wouldn't get into a good college."
"I don't know if that's true. I mean, yes, I have more connections at my old school that would help me get into those colleges but I'm not sure that's what I want anymore. I'm going to college but it doesn't have to be some fancy college on the East Coast. I might want to stay here. Go somewhere in Chicago. There are plenty of good colleges here."
"Why would you stay here when you could go anywhere?"
"Why do you think?" I look at him, but he looks away.
"Don't tell me you're doing this for me. I'm not going to be the reason you don't go to a good school."
"That's not the only reason. I like it here. I'd miss my mom if I left."
"Brook, I'm serious." His eyes go back to mine. "Don't be making decisions based on me, or us. We're in high school. We've been dating for a month."
"It doesn't matter how long it's been. I was with Chad for two years and never felt this way about him. You and I have something not many people have, even after years of dating. I don't even think my parents loved each other the way we do. I'm not saying I'll pick a college just so I can be with you but I'm considering it in my decision."
He shuts his eyes and lets out a breath.
"What?" I say. "Does that mean you're mad at me?"
"It means I'm frustrated." He opens his eyes. "I love you, Brook, but I can't make you any promises. You're the first girl I've ever really dated and I don't know how this is going to turn out. My life's a fucking mess and I've probably lost any chance at a football scholarship now that I'm out for the rest of the season. I don't want you planning your future around some guy who doesn't have one."
"You DO have a future, and you're not just some guy. You're the guy I love."
"Right now. But that'll change. Just a few weeks ago you loved your ex-boyfriend. You can't make life decisions based on who you love in high school."
I sit back, my eyes searching his face. "Why are you doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Pushing me away. I thought we were done with this. You pushing me away. Me fighting to get you back. We're a couple now. We can't keep doing this."
"This if your life, Brook. I don't want you making decisions because of me. You need to do what's best for you. What's best for your future. And maybe..." He looks away. "Maybe going back to your old school is what's best."
I stand up, my anger building. "So this is what you want? To push me away so you can go on feeling sorry for yourself?"
"That's not what I'm doing."
"Really? Then what is it, Dean? Because to me it seems like you're determined to be miserable. Something good comes along and you tell yourself you can't have it. Are you just trying to punish yourself? Why won't you let yourself be happy?"
"This isn't about me," his says, his jaw clenched.
"Then who is it about? Because if it's about ME, I can make my own decisions. I don't need you telling me what to do. I've already got my parents for that, and everyone else from my old life who thinks they know what's best for me. And you know what? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people telling me I have to act a certain way and say the right things and smile all the time. That was the old me, and it wasn't real. Now I'm able to be myself, and that's because of you. You showed me I could be myself and still be loved."
I take a breath, trying not to cry. "And now you're telling me none of that matters? That I should just go away?"
"That's not what I'm saying."
"Then what is it? What are you saying? That you want me to go back to my old school?"
He doesn't answer.
"Okay, well, I'll let you get some rest." I grab my backpack and leave.
"Brook, wait!"
I keep walking, down the hall to the elevators, tears filling my eyes. I didn't want to leave him but I can't be around him when he's being like this. I needed his support. I needed him to tell me to stay here, to not even consider going back to my old school, but instead he told me to go.
The elevator doors open and Danny walks out, along with the rest of the team.
"Hey, where are you going?" he asks, stopping as the other guys go down the hall.
"I'm leaving." I try to go past him but he gets in front of me and sees my tears.
"What's wrong?" he asks. "Did something happen? Is Dean okay?"
"He's fine. And he's awake. You should go down and see him."
"In a minute. What's going on? Why are you crying? Is there news about Jake?"
I shake my head and wipe my eyes. "I really need to go." I try to go around him but he holds me in place, his hands on my arms.
"Brook, tell me what's going on."
"I don't want to talk about it." I sniffle. "It's just Dean...being Dean."
"What does that mean?"
"Danny, just let me go. I don't want to be here right now."
He slowly moves back. "Let me give you a ride."
"I'll take the bus. You should go see Dean." I glance down the hall at Dean's room. A few of the guys are standing outside it. "Why are you guys here so early? I thought you had practice."
"Coach cut it short so we could come see Dean. Brook, c'mon, just let me give you a ride."
"Some other time." I give him a weak smile. "Bye, Danny."
He watches as I get on the elevator. I take it to the first floor, then go find a restroom and let myself cry in the stall.
Why does Dean keep pushing me away? Why can't he just let us be together?
I take the bus home, and when I get there I go straight to my room. I check online for any updates about Jake but there aren't any.
Maybe everyone was right and I never should've got involved with Dean. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be spending my time crying about him and worrying about his missing brother. But I also wouldn't know what it feels like to love someone like this.
