"Am I in trouble?" She watched me leave her there but didn't move to chase me, just stood there swaying a little from side-to-side like she was innocent.
“You know what,” I lied. “Of course not. Why would you be in trouble?” Two days ago she had me beg. This was her turn. I wasn’t about to make it easy for her.
Not after she made it so hard for me to read her and then so tough with all her friends.
The elevator moved as I waited for any sort of response from the beautiful mystery kid. Her hair looked so blonde peeking out of her beanie and her cheeks were all red from the kissing, she was so fucking cute.
Her face darkened for a moment but it cleared right up again and she smiled. "Then I guess I don't have to apologize for messing with you at lunch. But I was going to try and make it up to you. Unless you're not into it."
No matter what I did she always wanted me to crawl.
“You know that was fucked up, Avery. A part of you knows that,” I challenged, trying my damnedest to actually be angry with her. “I tried to help you and you made it hard.” The doors opened and I made my way to the room all determined, opening the door and stowing myself away right inside. She came in soon after and stood there just hovering over me while I sat on the bed and decided to angrily lie down.
I didn’t like that she wanted it both ways.
She groaned, realizing what she’d done. "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it harder. I just didn't think. This is exactly why you shouldn't want me." She brought her hands to her head and then away, smacking her fist against her forehead. "The problem is I wanted you too much. I wanted you to want to fuck the stupid out of me."
God, she was adorable. Too good at playing the martyr.
And did she really think she’d have to try to get me to want that from her?
“Get over here,” I said, looking up in her direction.
I wanted to fuck the stupid out of her. But I wanted that yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. That was part of my framework. Apparently, all built-in.
“Why? So I can screw something else up." She squeezed her eyes shut. "See I shouldn't say words. I suck." With a heavy sigh she stepped to the side of the bed.
“Just. Come. Here,” I grit my teeth. It was hard not to smile. She made me too happy. There was no fighting it. She turned toward me and I took her hand in mine. With gusto, I pulled her to lie down and felt her as she fell. As soon as she was on top of me I pushed her to my side and got on top of her. I needed to be close to that beautiful face. I needed to try and see what it was she was thinking inside.
I pulled her chin up in my hand and searched her features. She really was upset with herself, I couldn’t believe it. It seemed like she just sort of mentally turned on a dime between the elevator and now. I couldn’t keep up.
I wished I could read her. It would make everything so much easier. Instead I found her eyes and held her chin.
“You’re not stupid,” I said, forcing her to look at me and finding myself distracted by her cute teeth and her parted lips. “You drive me crazy but you’re not stupid.” I made sure to look her in the eye. That talk from her made me angrier than anything else she could possibly do. I’d much rather be outed and even shamed than have Avery thinking she was no damn good. There was no contest in that. Her feelings meant so much more to me than she knew.
I wondered how long she’d been trying to get back to me. How long had she been thinking of me while out on those slopes?
Avery wasn’t the kind to beg, she really wasn’t. Just the thought of her wanting to beg me did some crazy things to my body and my mind.
She wanted me to fuck the stupid out of her… More like fuck her stupid. I knew that feeling well. That’s what I wanted at the pub, right after we came back.
Hope filled my chest as I let my forehead fall and my hand caress her cheek. I was no good at being mad. I’d always crawl for her. Always.
To worship her was a gift not a task I should get paid for.
I was breathing hard, touching her like I’d been dying to every minute of every hour since we were last here.
I smiled in frustration. Her mouth tucked up into a smile and I desperately kissed her, my whole body reaching to become part of hers and hopefully carry her.
“You have no idea what you do to me,” I exhaled, shakily.
I suddenly hated her stupid cute clothes. They were keeping me from touching her, keeping me from showing her how I felt. For all I care she may as well be wearing impenetrable armor. Her clothes were that much of an affront to my being.
I wiggled off of her and pulled my black sweater off leaving my light-blue oxford button-up just in case for some reason we’d have to stop. It was too hot for layers. Then I moved to my boots, throwing them off.
Avery sat up but she was too slow. I took my hands to the sides of her jacket and pushed it off, forcing her to lay back on the bed as I crawled on top of her and kissed her again. She was so soft and lovely. When she breathed I felt my heart answer her.
“I want you,” I said, reminding her. I tugged her thermal shirt up just a little at her waist because I wanted to touch her skin. I wanted to see how needy she was right now, how done in. Her skin was still cold from the outside
I pulled my lips away and felt as she tried to follow. When my fingers touched down on her side and swiped onto her stomach she sucked a surprised breath in and I knew she was telling the truth.
That was it then. No more fighting.
I moved back off of her and tugged her pants down. Her shoes stopped me so I had to do away with those two.
When I came back up to kiss her she pulled me in and turned me over, trapping me. I felt her soft legs against my pants, her fists balling the fabric of my shirt just under the collar as she pulled my head up and took from me one true kiss like the kind that all those fairytales speak about. It was lyrical. I heard ringing as my eyelids fluttered to a close. Her strength always killed me.
My head spun in her majesty. Avery didn’t always kiss me like that, she didn’t always take. She wasn’t speaking but her mouth was telling me things. I learned a language I hadn’t before been privy to.
Last time she took I had to beg for her.
This time she was being open with me, really sharing.
I touched her face with both of my hands, pulling her in to stay. My legs came up around her waist as she pushed her body up into mine and teased me through her kiss.
“Fuck,” I said softly, once she finally let me take air. Every part of me had her. I was always bracing for her impact and never ever ready for when she came into me. I’d always be just short of fully catching her.
I held her head close next to mine, both my hands loosely tangled up in her hair, and I knew I loved her more than I knew anything else for certain. Being here like this was everything to me, she had to know.
“I love when you hold me like this,” she said. “It feels so right I can’t take it. When I saw you on that couch earlier all I could do was feel this right here and miss you.”
I allowed my limbs to tighten around her. “You’re everything to me,” I whispered painfully, kissing the side of her face and hoping to god she believed it because it was sure as hell true. I tenderly kissed and kissed her face, nudging her emotionally, until her head turned in and she was lazily looking at me. The way she stared reminded me of a baby in a crib staring up at a human. When someone looks at you like that you can’t easily wash that memory away. It means too much. She was laced in awe and admiration. I’d done nothing to deserve such worship.
Avery let out a breath and then smiled. I felt her hands slide under the hem of my pants in the back. Carefully, I felt her push into me again with her body as her tongue touched down on my neck and she lightly teased at biting me, dragging her teeth up my skin as she gasped. Both of her hands scooped around the curve of my ass and teased with a squeeze. My eyes rolled in the pleasure and I let out a surprised gasp too.
“You�
�re a criminal,” I muttered. Pulling her face to mine as I stole myself a kiss.
I loved when I could feel I was depleting her by way of touch. When I grabbed at her she noticeably weakened from wanting it. When I kissed her she more than gave out. I let my hands slide up under her shirt and I felt her cool sticky skin. She was salty today from the slopes. I relished in tasting her.
My hands tugged down on her underwear while I kissed her. I wanted to feel that warmth of her deep inside. I wanted to be useful to her, helpful.
I let my legs fall down and I felt as her legs came up onto the bed by both of my sides. One second I was holding her, the next I’d pushed inside of her and felt her body shake with surprise.
As she tried to sit up, I pulled her back down, wanting her near. “Stay with me,” I begged, slowly fucking her and holding her to me by the back of her neck.
She breathed in my ear, shaking, yet frozen, as I touched her inside, taking care not to break her.
I’d crawl for this. I’d always crawl.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Avery
I needed this. It’s never been like this before. When I was messing with her under the table I think it was some jealous little thing inside of me wanting her to be touching me instead of playing nice with my friends.
I’m selfish in that way. Now, she was inside me and it was enough but not everything I wanted. I needed her everywhere. I wanted her to destroy me and then put me back together. “Don’t be afraid. You won’t hurt me,” I whispered.
I pulled at her shoulders, trying to get more somehow. Logic did not exist here. My soul opened up to pour its colors onto her. She was stained with my every deeply ignored need. Olivia gave me love when I was starved of it but I had become so used to going without that; too much overwhelmed. Its richness made me hurt for release.
“Faster, more,” I demanded. I used the force of my body to slam down on her fingers hard. I wanted to feel where she had been for days afterwards.
“Avery,” she said. I’d never heard that tone in her voice before it was awe or wonder. She’d never seen me like this, but she didn’t say anymore just did what I asked. Even if it broke both of our bodies she would try to give me what I asked for, I knew that about her now, all it took was a few days.
She upped the pace and I heard sounds I’d never heard before coming from me, grunts and groans of both satisfaction and frustration. With Ben I’d always been quiet, or tried to at least. It spoke to the vast difference between the relationships. Olivia was reaching in and drawing from the hidden parts of me and bringing them into her light.
Her lips grazed my ear, her breath driving me insane when she exhaled. Her tongue came out to my earlobe and she took it between her teeth, pulling and biting at the same time.
“Oh God,” I groaned.
She twisted her fingers inside of me, changing the angle. I tried to hang on. I knew once this moment was gone I wouldn’t be able to feel like this again. There would be other times but this was the only first real release I would have. I shook, my body trying to fly away, but she kept me anchored.
“You’re so fucking sexy, baby,” she whispered with a long dragging breath.
Her voice and those words were enough. I shattered. She broke me into little pieces, loosening the ropes that had once bound me to my previous existence. “I love you,” I breathed, letting the orgasm carry me through.
She was still inside of me, pulling every tremor she could out until I had to reach down and still her hand. “I can’t,” I said. I’d said the words to her before but now, they meant something very different.
She slid her fingers out of me and watched as I came down from her. I let her watch me, unguarded as I was. No one had ever seen this and I couldn’t hide from her anymore. She was the electricity in my heart, shocking me into life.
I wiggled on the bed, just feeling the sensation of being truly fucked. When I tucked my chin down so I could see, Olivia was still watching me.
“What?” I laughed, trying to figure out if I was fascinating or if she was just trying to figure something out.
“I just don’t deserve you,” she said, swallowing vulnerably, and shaking her head. It was like she couldn’t believe she was with me. Even her eyes were glossed, like she might just cry.
I scoffed. “That’s probably the least true thing I’ve ever heard. I’d say it’s the other way around by a lot.” I settled my hands on her arms, squeezing. “When will you realize how different you are?” That’s why she’d captured me. No one could interest me enough to take me away from the world of avoidance in my head.
I felt Olivia’s hands slide up my legs and rest on my ass. Then she pulled me into her, her hand coming up to my face as she pulled me down to kiss her with all her open soul.
She always put everything into her kisses. That’s why I wondered what kind of unknown power I had that could possess her to feel this way. I could feel my body responding to her again but I wasn't ready. I couldn’t, not yet. “How the hell do you do that?” I asked, smiling down at her.
“Do what?” She smiled up at me, a bit overwhelmed by the emotional wear and tear.
“Make me scream but inside.” I let my eyes drift, trying to make sense of it. “I didn’t know people could feel like music.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t make sense, does it?”
“No,” she sighed, laughing a little and looking down. “It makes a lot of sense actually.” When she looked up again I saw a tear or two had escaped her. “That’s how I’ve felt about you since we went out to that Inn.”
“Yeah?” I leaned down, draping my body over hers. “I was just confused then but that’s normal. Side effect of my feelings being dropped on the head when I was a child. Emotional retardation.” I grinned. “How did you even deal with me?” I rubbed the tip of my nose against hers and dipped down for a kiss. “A perpetual mess.”
“My beautiful mess,” she said sweetly, leaning her head into my chest and hugging me loosely. “I couldn’t tell what you were doing with me. Why you’d come. Why you’d go…” She was thinking about it, really. “I was so scared to text you. Touch you…”
“Yeah, I don’t blame you. I was actually amazed that you stuck with me when I kept telling you to go.” I’d been an idiot. I still was in moments of weakness. My idea of that word, weakness, had been turned on its head but it was still hard to avoid thinking about the possible pain we might find ourselves living through.
“When you asked me about that song at the piano… I couldn’t even tell you the song was about you... What you do to me. How it feels to just think about you all the time and have you here,” she was holding my hand but she brought it up to touch on her head. “Here,” she said, lowering our hands to touch above her heart.
I blinked, not wanting to cry. I hadn’t done that in so long. Not alone anyway. “You wrote a song about me?”
“I didn’t mean to,” she said. “It was like you said. I just… I heard music when I was with you. I felt it inside. In all the silence and the uncertainty and the strain. I just... I felt you Avery. From that very first day.”
“You really blew me away then too but I didn’t know what to think. You made me react and I wasn’t used to that. Then when I went to Ben to ask why he would set that interview up, he was surprised that I thought you were rude.” I laughed, remembering but another feeling was taking over my body.
My empty stomach ached. I hadn’t eaten since the fruit and muffin I’d had before we left that morning. I rolled off of her, lying on my back and holding my stomach. I didn't want to leave or move but I had to and so did she. “We should actually eat.”
“I dunno,” Olivia teased. “I feel pretty satisfied.”
“How!? I’m the one that got the satisfaction part of that whole thing that just happened.” I giggled at my inability to use words. “I think you killed my brain.”
“I hope not,” she said. “I like your brain.”
“Only because it thinks really dirt
y thoughts about you. Other than that it’s pretty useless.” I smiled, happy for once.
Real happiness came from inside, and though I wasn’t totally happy with myself, through Olivia’s eyes there was something worthy here. That gave me this sense of self like nothing else had. If she loved me then I could start to see why I should love me.
“Well, I need food.” I started to sit up but then I stopped. “Wait, you totally didn’t… I mean, I didn’t.” How was I a fumbling idiot with her?! Words were so scarce when I needed them. “I feel selfish.” My hope was that she would decipher my Avery speak for her lack of orgasm.
“Okay, for one,” she crawled up beside me and propped her head up in her hand, trailing her hand over my stomach and watching it react. “That was so hot I’m going to have dreams about you for the rest of my life.” She looked over at me and smiled. It wasn’t lost on me that she stared in my eyes. “For two,” she said, moving her hand up to my face and pushing my hair away. “It’s not a game, sweetie. I’m in love with you and we have nothing but time.” Her voice got so soft nearing the end.
I hoped that was true. Time was kind of a bitch though. It was there one minute and gone the next. “That’s not always true. I could die tomorrow and then you’d be sad that you missed out on this chance.”
“Please don’t talk like that,” her voice fell. She scooped up my hand and held it, her eyes dropping away.
“I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say.” It came out wrong again. I guess it was my curse. “I just mean that I don’t take anything like this for granted. Things change, sometimes really quickly.”
“Every second I have near you I cherish,” Olivia said rather seriously. “If you were to die I wouldn’t be thinking about how I should’ve asked you to give me an orgasm that one time when you were starving. I’d be broken. I’d be hollow. I’d be thinking of all the times I wished I’d made you happier, made you smile. I’d be thinking of wanting to hold you. That’s all.”
“Well, I hope that never happens but you shouldn’t be thinking of times you wished you made me happier. You should think of the times you made me beyond happy, like now.”
Paper Dolls, Book One Page 26
