by James, Ella
I hope you had a good Christmas or Hanukkah and a nice New Year. Mine was…strange.
I don’t have a job right now. I’m doing what you might call regrouping. If I had a job, it wouldn’t be wood-chopping. Too tedious. I like a challenge.
R.
February 15, 2012
R.-
What does it stand for? It’s only been a few months, but I feel like I’ve known you a lot longer. I’m tired of writing to an initial. Does that make me weird?
This is not a good week for me. I probably shouldn’t be writing you at all. Bad things tend to happen to me Valentine’s week. Based on past luck, I will probably get run down by a runaway mailman after slipping this into the box.
Sigh.
Can you hear that?
It’s a loud one.
I’m going to the cemetery today. I should have gone yesterday, but I couldn’t. I don’t know why.
I hope you’re doing nothing tedious and everything challenging, and that life is shaping up the way you want.
Do you want to chat online sometime?
It’s okay if you don’t. I’m just being needy. At least that’s what my family says…
-S.
March 1, 2012
Madame Sloth-
I’m sending my letter back in time. I hope you receive it February 13, so you can utilize my expert instructions. If not, there’s always next year.
R. stands for Robert, if you insist on knowing. It’s not my favorite name, so I try not to use it often.
I heard your sigh. I thought, that sounded needy.
Kidding.
It sounded sad.
Why are you sad? I’m afraid I know the answer, and that brings me to my instructions. (I wish I didn’t know them…)
I recommend at least one shot of a top shelf vodka before getting in the car. It’s better if you have someone else to drive you. A friend, perhaps? If you’re not much of a vodka drinker, you could start with Snow Queen.
Yes, I realize you’re not “legal,” but I feel the situation should exempt you from the law. (I must insist you don’t drive yourself, though, unless you skip this step).
On the way there, be careful with your music. You have to have music of some kind. Silence isn’t recommended. Try something like The Strokes. The Stones would work, too. You want rock, and not the emo kind. Play it loud enough to drown out any thoughts. (If you drank enough Snow Queen, this will be less of an issue).
Don’t look out the windows. When I do, I feel like I’m in a music video. The kind of shit video that’s meant to be ironic when paired with a certain type of rock song. Your drive ride to the cemetery should not be imaginary music video fodder. Keep your eyes on the dash, or on the face of the person you’re with.
Wear regular clothes. Nothing dressy. This is not a funeral. (You already did that.)
If you can pick the date, go with a day that’s neither cloudy nor overly sunny. A cloudy day is just depressing, and a really sunny day seems like a slap in the face of the dead. Choose a day that’s a little sunny, with some clouds. If you can’t choose, and the day is extra sunny or rainy, consider adding another shot of vodka.
Do you have flowers or some other trinket? I should have mentioned earlier: put it in the back seat, in the floor. It’s not that important. They’ll never know you brought it. Whatever you do, don’t hold it in your arms like it’s a fucking baby.
Have your driver park you close to the grave. No walking. (The goal here is to minimize thinking time. Now that you don’t have The Strokes, you’ve got to hurry).
Get out whatever you brought, if anything, and don’t take your time walking over. Now is not the time to contemplate fate—neither yours nor that of the dead. (Note I didn’t say dead person. You are not visiting a person. You are visiting a piece of stone. Or a drawer).
Walk quickly, and put your trinket down as soon as you reach the place.
I know I just said you’re not visiting a person, but since I think you’ll want to say some words, and most people don’t talk to cement, pretend you are talking to that person on a SHIT day. You’re mad at each other. Pissed off over something stupid, like they kneed you in the— okay, not that. (They stole your favorite thong? Lost your hair brush? Blasted you in the face with hair spray? Or maybe they broke your fucking heart.)
Call them a bastard or a bitch, tell them whatever you need to say, and get going. There is no reason to stay. Trust me on this. Get out, and don’t look back.
When you make it back to the car, try to talk about whatever you were talking about on the ride over. (Hint: It needs to be everyday type of shit).
You may be tempted to go get some post-cemetery refreshments. I’d recommend against this. You don’t need to talk about what you just did.
Get back to your life. Be glad you’ve got your thong, or your heart, or whatever. Spend the afternoon or evening doing homework, or (better yet) going out somewhere. Concerts are a good choice. They’re loud, and most people are drunk. Clubs work, too. Don’t try a regular bar, but if you do, get a booth with friends. Don’t sit at the goddamned bar.
One more thing. When you go to sleep that night, be sure you’ve had some alcohol or even Xanax. If that’s not your scene, fall asleep…I don’t know. Reading. Or doing something else.
I think that’s about it.
-R.
March 11, 2012
R. –
Hot damn, that was a good list. I usually go once a month, and my once a month in March will be this week. I’m so doing all of that. Except maybe the Snow Queen. Holy expensive alcohol, batman. I want to go to your house party!
When I was ten and my sister was five, she got hit by a car while getting off the bus from school. February 14, sooo… I’m not a hearts and chocolate kind of girl.
I would gladly give her all my thongs, even if they would be way inappropriate for a thirteen-year-old. I would even take a daily hair spray blast to the face. I would give her my boyfriend (if I had one) and even give her Snow Queen vodka.
What a fabulous big sister I would be.
Seriously, though, I appreciate your list. So much.
I like the name Robert. It’s earnest.
Are you a college guy, Robert?
Are you still living in New York state? Are you from there?
I know – my stalkerish tendancies are coming out again! Also, I can’t figure out how to spell tendencies. <- That looks right!
In all seriousness, I think of you a lot and wish the best for you. Please let me know if you ever need anything. Or want to chat. Or meet up. Or whatever. And if you don’t, ignore my pushiness. I’m a take what I want kind of girl. I’m needy and wild and sometimes reckless. It’s just the way I was made.
I hope that rubs off on you in all the right ways.
Xo,
Sloth
April 26, 2012
Sloth,
That fucking sucks, about your sister. I’ll drink a shot of Snow Queen for her. It’s a high-quality vodka, produced from organic wheat and spring water in Kazakhstan. She, like any discerning tween, would surely enjoy.
And you, too?
Buy yourself a thong. Sign up for a pen pal service. Several dozen cans of hair spray? Go wild. Be reckless.
-R.
(If there’s not a VISA gift card in here, some asshole stole it.)
May 24, 2012
R.
Generous man, with good taste. I enjoyed the Snow Queen immensely. On the 14th, I had my friend drive me to the cemetery, where I left a shot on my sister’s headstone. It was a semi-cloudy day. I didn’t listen to The Strokes, but to The Unicorns, “Sea Ghost.” It did the job. Afterward, I went to another friend’s house to play pool. I fell asleep that night watching X Men: First Class. I should have written you back sooner, but have been so busy getting ready for college! Squeeeee! I’m not going too far from home, but I’m excited anyway. It’ll be nice to get out of my dumb small town and be onto other things!
I hope
you’re doing great and are enjoying college/hiking/clubbing whatever is your thing. I still think about you a lot. In a totally non-stalkerish way. Please keep in touch. I will continue sending the same way as always. I have the feeling you’d prefer that to email or IM chatting.
-Sloth
P.S. I’m glad it was you. <3
June 16, 2012
Sloth,
I hope you enjoy college. I hear Georgia has some great educational opportunities for its residents. I am…living life. It’s a shock I’m not sure I’ll ever get over.
Feel free to continue corresponding at your convenience. BTM has my address, and will for a while I believe.
P.S. – Your feeling of gladness is reciprocated. Also, multiplied.
Yours,
R.
October 7, 2012
Wow, it’s been a long time! I can’t believe how long it’s been. I came across your last letter the other day and was surprised to see the date. How the hell are you?
I’m in my second semester of college, and I’m loving it! I found a job in my college town and worked my way through summer semester. I already knew my way around by the start of fall semester, so that was nice. I live in the dorms, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I kind of like my roommates.
It’s so bizarre how much partying there is all the time here. Don’t get me wrong – it’s fun – but if I did it all the time I’d be flunking out of school. I have to keep my grades up for my sorority. Yeah…I joined a sorority. I know, I know. The clichés are sometimes true. But it was a good way for me to meet new friends. I’m trying to be a different person than I was in high school. Not in any major way or anything… In the normal way, I guess.
I’d love to know what you’re doing. I hope B.T.M. has your address as long as I want it. I would be so sad if a letter came back to me.
Sloth
November 3, 2012
Sloth-
A college girl. I can’t picture it. What does a college girl named Sloth look like?
(Your stalkerish tendencies may have rubbed off on me. I’m only just noticing.)
I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.
I’m in college too, actually. I, too, am enjoying it. Lots of opportunities to drink Snow Queen and read obscure poetry. (Don’t knock it. The two go well together).
I hope you have a good holiday and keep in touch.
-R.
P.S. I did a shot for you 8/7.
January 10, 2013
R. –
Every time I see someone drinking Snow Queen, I think of you. It doesn’t happen often. Gray Goose is the preferred vodka on my campus. I guess because it’s more affordable. (I can verify it definitely isn’t as good!)
What are you studying? I’m undecided, which I guess is typical for someone my age. I like a lot of things, but I don’t know what I would want to do forever. It’s a long time. I’m caving under the pressure, know what I mean?
Spring semester just started (I’m a sophomore now!), and I’m already dreading going home for the summer. My family has limited finances, so I don’t think I can stay here even if I work. There are worse things, I guess! I have a younger sister (the middle one) who will be glad to steal my thongs.
How funny - I drank a shot of Snow Queen for you 8/7 also. Maybe in an alternate reality, we were drinking them together.
<3 Sloth
P.S. A college girl named Sloth looks lovely. Probably dressed in a gown for formal. Possibly giddy from too much vyvance or “Mary Jane”. Don’t knock it. It’s a good look on me.
April 1, 2013
Sloth,
Do I ever get to know your real name? (All I was given was A.W.)
Maybe next 8/7 we could make it happen. This year, I’m going to the Baltic Sea with my dad.
Sigh.
Did you hear that one?
He is…not the most exemplary father.
In my opinion.
There are others. Some differ. Some do not.
Be careful with the mixing of various goodies. I’d hate to lose access to you.
My major is English.
-R.
P.S. Really. Be careful. Especially if you’re hanging out with frat guys.
May 30, 2013
R.-
Whew! School’s out, and I’m “home.” It’s really just my mom and grandma, and my sister. I’ve only been here a few days, and it already feels like forever. Maybe your dad sucks, but the Baltic Sea? That’s so cool. I want a postcard. Can you do that? Send to me internationally without problems? I’d love it. Maybe a picture too. Just kidding. You don’t have to. I know that may be too much for you, and I’m okay with that. My stalkerish tendencies are being bred out of me over time. Is that a good thing? I don’t know…
Weird is good. I still think that.
I wonder what you’re doing now. Summer mini-mester? More traveling? Consider me your girl if you’re ever in need of a pen pal!
Thanks for trying to look out for me. I am careful. Pretty clean, too. Drugs are kind of boring after all. Although I still want to try acid at least once…
I hope you’re having a great summer so far.
-Sloth
P.S. I would tell you my name, but it’s so lame, I’m afraid it would put you to sleep. I have an interesting middle name. Maybe next note, I’ll tell you that.
August 7, 2013
Sloth-
I wish I knew your boring name.
This is a postcard from Świnoujście, close to the German border, where I’m drinking at a little bar called Still Waters.
Here’s to you…
R.
September 4, 2013
R.-
I LOVE the post card. I bet it’s beautiful there! I hope you had a fabulous summer, and that your dad really outdid himself with uncharacteristic awesomeness.
My summer was…interesting. It went by faster than I thought.
I’m back at school now, living in the sorority quarters for the end of my sophomore and beginning of my junior year. It’s kind of insane, but I think I might like it. I’m a girl of the people. I’m not good by myself. I need friends and boys, and yes, even a little drama.
I have a feeling I’m the yang to your yin. Or something like that.
I still picture you chopping wood in a quiet forest with icicles in your nose. ;)
Tonight I’m going on a date with my big crush from last year. I promise I’ll be careful, even though he seems like a nice guy. I’m not really looking for anything serious. I have to focus on my major: art!
Keep in touch, and take care.
-Sloth
(Legally known as Autumn)
November 21, 2013
This guy reminded me of you. Hope you’re having a nice semester autumn.
-R.
December 16, 2013
This one made me think of you! I had a very nice semester. You? Have a fabulous Xmas or Hanukah. How do I still not know which one?
Xo,
Sloth (Please Lord, never use the “A” word).
January 25, 2014
Sloth,
Please lord? I’ll answer to that. Happy New Year.
R.
March 9, 2014
R. –
I’m going to let you off the hook for that one. I’m a Southern girl, remember? ‘Please Lord’ is something we say. It’s like…an old “sayin’”. How’s your year going? Is there some hot, R-loving babe calling you Lord? ;) I hope so.
-S.
April 1, 2014
Seventeen of them. Some call me Lord, others Master, and still more Lucifer.
When are you going to choose a name for me?
Happy April Fools’.
-R.
P.S. Does your school have a good art program? Mine does.
April 28, 2014
My Dear R.~
What a bad, bad boy. Guy? Man? How the hell old are you anyway? I’m thinking you must be in grad school. My school does have a good art program. Ver
y good, in fact. Sadly, I am no longer in it. I have changed my major to art counseling. Don’t laugh. It’s a very serious field. Lots of balloon animals and papier mache. I look good in a dirty apron.
How’s the English going? Going to be a professor or something? Me thinks it would suit your God complex.
-S.
July 10, 2014
R.-
I’m going to assume my note got lost in transit. Had to happen sometime I guess. Hope your summer is going well. Want to meet up 8/7? I’m game…
S.
August 9, 2014
I’m embarrassed to admit, I’m feeling a little dissed. Hope you’re doing well. Drop me a post card? Even a blank one would do.
Xox
S.
Part I
“I was never insane except upon occasions when
my heart was touched.”
-Edgar Allen Poe
Chapter One
Cleo
September 2014
I might as well be a vampire. That’s how much time I’ve been spending in my closet lately. Being a college girl, constantly surrounded by dumb college guys, I can already hear all of the dumb-college-guy-caliber comments, so let me say, for the record: I’m not gay (I still fly the flag), and I’m also not rubbing one out.
