“You killed her, Steve! She could have been anything, but you took it all away! You killed her!” Steve could hear the pure hate in David’s voice until someone, probably Chuck, managed to choke off his cursing rant.
But it didn’t matter. He was guilty. He didn’t need to hear David’s accusations to know that. He started walking again, with no clear thought of where he was going. He just needed to put as much space as possible between himself and David – and Deborah.
Ch 10
Reaching Out
Steve had only covered about half a mile when he heard a truck slowing down behind him. His back stiffened and he braced himself for a scene. No matter how well meaning, there was no way that he could get into that truck…no way that he could explain, or even sit there and deal with their silence... and no way that he could possibly be that close to Deborah! The enormity of his failure threatened to drive him to his knees right there in the middle of the road. He had betrayed Sarah. The last and only thing that he had to give her was his faithfulness, and in the end, he had failed her even in that.
Steve turned to wave the truck on, and then stopped in surprise. Reverend Graham was pulling over beside him. He stopped the truck, rolled down the window of the cab, and flashed Steve a quizzical smile. “I’m on my way back from the grocery store,” he explained. “I don’t know why you’re out here by yourself, but I do know that it’s about to start raining cats and dogs in about two minutes. You’d better get in.”
Steve nodded numbly. As much as he wanted to be alone, it would take hours to walk back to the park, and he could already feel a blister forming on his heel from the wet sneakers. He climbed in and mumbled his thanks, then lapsed into silence, staring out of the window.
Reverend Graham pulled back onto the road. Except for an occasional appraising glance, he respected Steve’s silence. Fat drops of rain spattered heavily on the windshield and the older man concentrated on negotiating the twisting road as the latest downpour quickly shrouded the road in a liquid gray blur.
At last they pulled into the ranger compound and stopped in front of Steve’s small trailer. Reverend Graham turned off the motor and waited. Steve knew he should thank Reverend Graham and get out, but somehow it was hard to move. He realized that he was shaking.
“Steve,” Reverend Graham asked carefully. “What’s happened?”
After a moment Steve answered in detached voice. “David’s in town. We ran into him at the store. He came here looking for Deborah.”
Reverend Graham’s eyebrows rose in surprise and his hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Did Deborah go off with him?” He asked quickly.
Steve noted the sudden concern in the pastor’s voice and sought to reassure Deborah’s father. “Pete and Chuck are with them,” he said tiredly. “They had him in a lock hold, when I left. David hadn’t expected to see me and he got pretty upset. Deb didn’t look happy to see him, though.”
Reverend Graham exhaled slowly, clearly relieved that Deborah was not alone with David.
“I see,” he said at last. “I take it things were – unpleasant as ever between you two?”
Steve gave a short, hollow laugh. “Sarah died last week of a stroke. As far as he’s concerned, I murdered her.”
Reverend Graham let out a long painful sigh. He started to put his hand on Steve’s shoulder, but dropped it back to the seat as he felt the young man tense at his touch. “I am sorry, Steve.”
He studied Steve’s bleak face.
“You know it’s not true, Steve,” the pastor told him. “David still wants to blame you for the accident. That’s what it was, Steve. Just a tragic accident! You did not murder Sarah.”
“I may as well have,” he muttered. “She died because of me.”
“She died because she was in an accident. You were careless, and that carelessness had horrible consequences, but it was still an accident. You would never have harmed Sarah. You loved her. Deep down, David knows that you did not kill his sister!”
“It doesn’t matter!” Steve exploded, his voice cracking with emotion. He pounded his fist on the dashboard. “Whether I meant it or not, Sarah is dead because of me! How am I supposed to live with that?”
Reverend Graham rested his elbow on the steering wheel. He smiled at Steve sadly. “You can’t.” He answered simply. “And nothing you do can change what happened. You only have one choice. Give it to Jesus, Steve. Ask the Lord to help you carry the burden. If you can’t do that, it will crush you.”
Steve blinked incredulously at the old man sitting across from him. “You’re crazy,” he said flatly.
Reverend Graham shook his head. “No, I’m not crazy. I’m telling you the truth, Steve. I’ve been walking with the Lord for thirty-three years and preaching his words for twenty-six. His love never changes, never fails, and never grows cold.” Reverend Graham shifted in his seat to look Steve in the face. “If you could only believe, Jesus will renew your soul! Replace all this bitterness with peace.” Reverend Graham’s blue eyes bored into Steve’s. “When was the last time you had peace in your soul, Steve?”
Steve shook his head miserably. He could barely remember a time when he was free from this burden of guilt.
Reverend Graham nodded. “You’ve struggled on your own for so long and even I can see that it hasn’t gotten easier for you. Today, David just took away your last hope in the world, Steve.” He paused to let that thought soak in, and then added gently. “Maybe it’s time that you gave God a chance.”
Steve shook his head. “The whole God thing – it didn’t work for me back then, and I don’t think it will change anything now. To tell the truth,” Steve took a deep shaky breath. “I have to agree with David. Sarah’s paid the price for my pride. I deserve whatever happens to me.” He reached for the door handle. “I’m really cold,” he muttered. I’m going to go take a shower.”
But Reverend Graham reached out and gripped Steve’s arm so tightly, he was had no choice but to remain in the truck.
“That’s your self-pity talking, Steve!” He told the young man sharply. “You made a terrible mistake and you’ve spent the last six years getting comfortable with being miserable and feeling guilty. But no matter what you’ve done, it’s not so bad that God won’t forgive you and help you to a new life!” He took a deep breath and spoke more gently. “It’s called ‘Grace’. It’s a gift you can never earn. It is given freely from the One who loves you, just as you are. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to know that you need him, and then, just ask for him to come into your life. He is waiting, Steve! You only have to ask.”
Why is he saying all this? Steve wondered tiredly, only half absorbing the preacher’s words. I don’t need a sermon today of all days.
Aloud, he said, “Yeah, I’ll remember. Thanks for the ride, Reverend Graham.”
The pastor sighed and let go of Steve’s arm. Had the boy heard anything he had said?
“No problem, Steve. I’m here if you need me. Anytime. Don’t be afraid to call.”
“Right,” Steve replied dismissively as he opened the door of the truck. But then Steve paused, thinking that he shouldn’t leave things between them this way. You owe this man something! Steve sat back on the seat but he couldn’t look at Reverend Graham. The man was too perceptive. He didn’t want anyone to try and stop him from doing what he had to do next.
“I – I want to say…uh,” Steve forced himself to concentrate as he groped for the right words. You need to say this now! You won’t have another opportunity! But what could he say to this man who didn’t have the good sense to give up on him?
“I want to say thanks, pastor,” Steve managed to say at last. “I mean, thanks for trying to help me back then - and now. It’s not your fault things turned out this way.” With that, he bolted though the rain, getting soaked all over again, but relieved to have escaped the preacher’s ramblings… which of course, was all they were. Does he really believe all that stuff? Steve wondered as he ducked inside the door.
Steve shut the door and locked it. He slowly leaned his aching head against the frame, listening to the rain pounding on the roof.
I kissed Deborah! Sarah was dead and I kissed Deborah! Steve banged his fist on the wall as the depth of his failure washed through him. David was right; Sarah could have been anything. Her whole life was before her and he, Steve, had destroyed it all. It was his fault that she had lain in a coma for almost six years, and now, it was his fault that she was dead. He had killed Sarah just as completely as if he had shot her with his gun. He could never be absolved from that guilt! He had struggled with the burden of it for years now, and yet, he had managed to add one last despicable act to his guilt. I kissed Deborah! Learning that Sarah was dead on the same day that he had kissed another woman felt like the ultimate betrayal to Sarah’s memory! Reverend Graham was wrong. Just believing in some invisible God wouldn’t solve anything. He could never be free of this pain! There was only one choice left…only one thing that he could give to Sarah and her family now, in payment for all the pain that he had caused.
After a moment he took a deep breath and turned toward the bedroom. Steve walked to the nightstand and stared down at the blue velvet bag that he had left there just that afternoon. Gently he picked it up, feeling the hard thin circle of the promise ring inside the small drawstring pouch.
Sarah! Cold emptiness filled him. The little bag contained his last connection with Sarah, and his last hope for the future. His thumb stroked the velvet material as he had done over the years, but this time he found no comfort. Sarah was dead. The ring had no comfort left to give.
Well, that was only right, he thought. He didn’t need comfort any more, just a little bit of courage. The time had come to finish what the accident had failed to accomplish. Tonight, he would finally join Sarah. He was done with waiting.
Steve was mildly surprised that he felt no fear. Years ago, when he had considered suicide, he had talked himself out of it. After all, what if Sarah woke up, to find that he was dead? What would that do to her? So he had remained in the world, working toward a day when Sarah would walk out of that facility and come home to him. Steve smiled wistfully. That was never going to happen now. All that was left to do was to get his gun out of the lockbox on the nightstand, go sit under a tree outside so that he wouldn’t leave a mess for his friends to clean up, and then, simply, pull the trigger. It would finally be over. After all this time, it would be a relief to finally be done with the struggle.
Steve reached for his work slacks, which were draped haphazardly on the chair in the corner of the room, and fished in the pocket for his keys. He frowned. They weren’t there! He plunged his hand into the other pocket and pulled out a peppermint, two quarters and an empty gum wrapper. Where were his keys?
And then he remembered. They had used his truck to drive to the river. The keys were still in the ignition! Steve groaned helplessly and stared at the gun case, carefully locked against the possibility of a thief breaking in to the trailer while he was gone. Steve collapsed slowly to the floor, staring in disbelief at the heavy gage steel of the case and quality lock. Without the keys, he had no way of breaking in to the box!
What now?
He had no truck, and no gun and no pills stronger than an aspirin. What else could he use? Thunder crashed overhead and sheets of rain pelted the window.
Drown himself? Walk to the lake and just...swim until he couldn’t? Thunder crashed again and he winced. Did he really want to go out again in this weather tonight? He laughed at the ludicrousness of the thought. You were just going to put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger –what does it matter if you get wet instead?
Steve sat for a long time, listening as the storm outside the little bungalow seemed to mirror the storm that was raging in his mind. He was so tired! It was too much of an effort to try to stand up and walk out into the night. He tried to imagine drowning. Deliberately swimming out deep enough so that he couldn’t touch bottom – couldn’t accidentally save himself – when exhaustion pulled him under. What would it be like, choking and suffocating as the water poured into his lungs? Would he panic and struggle, or simply slip under and down to the murky depths…
But who would find his body? No, that was no good! It would probably be a camper – maybe even a child. He couldn’t do that to a child!
Steve’s mind passed over other scenarios, but he rejected them one by one. Slowly the truth became so obvious even his benumbed mind could no longer deny it.
I don’t want to die!
He had convinced himself all those years ago, that he must stay alive as long as Sarah remained alive. He had put her where she was, and he owed it to her to stay in this miserable state of limbo until the end. But he had always believed that, if the day came that Sarah’s body died, on that day he would finally allow himself to escape his own wretched existence. Only then would he have earned the right to follow Sarah into death.
But now, when it came down to it, he couldn’t do it! Once again, he was failing the memory of the girl he had loved! Steve’s head dropped in shame and disgust. Coward! Well, he supposed, that was something. For the rest of his miserable life, every time he looked in the mirror, he would have to look into the eyes of a coward and a failure. And every time he looked at Deborah, he would remember that he had deserted Sarah in his heart, even as her life had drawn to an end.
He would have to live with that.
Exhausted, cold, and shaking like an old man, Steve crawled into the bed, still clutching the velvet bag. Despair washed over him, and for the first time since David had shut the door in his face so long ago, he wept.
Ch 11
Alone
“You can’t keep avoiding me!”
Steve let out a slow breath and raised his eyes to the door of his office. Deborah stood there, arms crossed, anger and hurt etched on her face.
“I can,” he replied flatly, and returned to his paperwork. Deborah remained in the doorway, watching him. It had been almost a week since the scene in the parking lot with David, and still Steve refused to speak with her. She needed to explain, but Steve did not want to hear it.
“For how long?” She asked in exasperation.
Steve didn’t even look up. “As long as it takes.” He answered evenly.
Deborah frowned. “As long as what takes?”
“For my transfer request to go through.”
“What?” Deborah took two steps into the room. “You’re joking,” she accused him angrily. “Why would you do that? You love it here!”
Steve looked up wearily. His eyes were red rimmed, and Deborah realized that he had lost weight as well. “To avoid scenes like this,” he replied quietly. “I’d appreciate it if you would just leave.”
“Please,” Deborah pleaded softly, ignoring his request and taking another step into the office. “if you would just let me explain!”
The coldness in Steve’s eyes stopped her. “Did you go out with David?”
“Yes, but…”
“For how long?”
“Nearly three years,” She answered. “But..”
He cut her off. “Were you engaged, like he said?”
“Yes!” She replied, her voice rising. “But I broke it off! Over two years ago! I was just a freshman in college. It’s over!” She stated emphatically.
“It’s not for David, apparently.” He answered. “He said he loved you and wanted to get back together with you. I know that he is still around, too. I’ve seen the car at your parent’s trailer.”
Deborah threw her hands up in the air in frustration. “Yes, he says that’s what he wants, but it’s not going to happen! Steve, I started dating him in high school, and for awhile, it was great, but he changed. He became obsessive and jealous of everything I did! I kept thinking that it was my fault – something that I had done that had made him change toward me, but no matter what I did to try and please him, he just tried to control me more.”
She sighed, tears sliding down her
cheeks. “For awhile, he even managed to cut me off from my family and most of my friends. It was almost like a sickness, being with him. I wanted to be with him so much that I decided not to go to college. As soon as he got back from basic and got a duty station, we were going to get married."
She laughed. "Then Daddy came back. He'd been called up to service again, and did a back to back tour, so he had been gone almost ever since David and I had started dating. Mom and I had had so many fights about David, I'm sure she had begged Daddy to ground me for life, but he hardly blinked when I told him I wanted to get married. Instead, he appealed to my desire to please David. He convinced me that I would be a better wife if I had an education, and that David would be proud of me if I went on to college. He told me what a great surprise it would be for him when David came back from basic training to find me working on my education....I'd already been accepted, so I went. Only thing was, when David found out, he wasn't at all happy. But Daddy had made me promise to go for at least one year, so I stuck it out...and began to see how miserable David was actually making me! I was making new friends, but whenever David came to see me, he treated them like dirt, and did everything he could to guilt me into quitting school. Then he started pushing me to do stuff I didn't want to do..." She paused, embarrassed. "I realized I didn’t want to continue living like that, so I ended the engagement!” She paused for breath, willing Steve to understand and accept that David was in the past.
“But he still loves you.”
Deborah shrugged helplessly. “I suppose. He didn't agree with my decision to break up, and he kept coming around the school, whenever he had leave. He'd start out nice and we'd go out to eat or to a movie, and I'd wonder if I'd made the right decision, but pretty soon he'd start doing the same old stuff," She said with a sigh.
"After the fight we had the last time he came to see me, though, I thought he understood that I didn't want to see him anymore. It's been so long since he even sent me an email that I really thought he was over me, too."
Far Country Page 8
