by ERIN BEDFORD
I gulped and eyed the slithering forms once more as they snickered. They sure knew how to prey on one’s fears. I was never sleeping with the lights off again.
“Ain’t nothin’ free here.” Mop warned as we began the trek across the squishy moss again.
I tried to suppress my disgust, as each step caused a sort of flatulent sound. I was glad I had had the foresight to wear my tennis shoes and not my flip flops. That split-second decision when I rushed out the door had saved the pedicure my mother had insisted I get for the upcoming wedding.
As we got closer to the end of the room the moss dissipated, revealing more cobblestones underneath. The edges filled with shadows also began to disperse, though no extra light was present. Finally, the adventure in weird squishy land had come to an end.
“What is this place?” I ignored Mop’s huff in response to my question. “If this way is faster, why didn’t we go this way to begin with?”
“Cause.” Mop dug into the pocket of his trousers and pulled out what looked like a biscuit and another key. How many of those things did he have? “The other way may be slower, but it be a straight shot to the orchard and ye way outta here. But who knows who those weeds be talkin’ to. It be safer for us all if we go this way.”
Before I could ask any more questions, Mop had stepped up to another part of the wall that was part moss and part cobblestone. He lifted a hand and tickled a patch above his head. This time instead of a door appearing a large mouth with sharp moss-covered teeth and beady eyes popped out, glowering at us.
It made me think of my Aunt Lydia. Fur covered and in need of a dentist in a bad way. I covered my mouth to suppress a giggle, but when it opened its mouth to snarl at us, my laughter died in my throat.
“What do you want? Can’t a wall get some sleep around here?” The voice that came out of the mouth was a surprisingly smooth tone, even with its sharp teeth gleaming through its menacing growl.
“Oh, quit ye gripin’. I brought ye a biscuit, so let us in.” Mop waved the biscuit in front of the mossy wall’s face.
“A biscuit! I haven’t had one of those in ages!”
The smile that formed on the cranky wall’s face was even more terrifying than its gnashing teeth. The fact of how crazy it seemed that I was even contemplating how scary a talking wall was was not lost on me. It wasn’t the first time I wondered if I was really there or had got knocked out chasing that damn rabbit back in the cavern.
Its eager smile turned into a wary grimace as he eyed me. “But what do you want in return?”
Curiosity caused me to lean down to Trip, who was still clutching my hand in his merciless grip. “Why does he need a biscuit to let us pass?”
Trip’s eyes never left the teeth of the wall. “Lady must remember what Mop say, Lady must. Nothing is ever free. Lady must give to get.” Trip’s scared eyes turned serious when they locked with mine. “Be careful what Lady trades. Fae are tricky, they are.”
“Tricky? You mean like Puck?” I thought back to Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream. Puck thought it would be great fun to have everyone fall in love with the wrong person. There was something telling me the kind of tricks these Fae pulled would not end with someone screwing their best friend’s boyfriend.
“What is that doing down here?” The wall said it like it left a bad taste in his mouth.
I wasn’t a that, I wanted to say, but a sharp look from Mop made me keep my remarks to myself.
“Don’t be worryin’ about her. Let us through and say nothin’ bout her and ye will get the tasty biscuit.” Mop waved the biscuit in a tempting motion under what could have been the wall’s nose.
The wall looked skeptical at the deal. “Only one biscuit for all that seems like a mighty high price to keep my head.”
“But you don’t have a head!” I blurted out without thinking.
“No head!” I covered my ears at the piercing howl that shook the ground. “You are in my head!”
Taking my hands off my ears, I glanced around, muttering to myself, “Pretty empty for a head.”
“What did you say?”
I put my hands out, bracing for the ground to shake once more. I don’t know how it heard me. I hadn’t been talking very loud, and as far as I could tell it didn’t have any ears. Not wanting to anger it further, I changed my words.
“I said, if we’re in your head then where is your body?” I waved my arms around, trying to put on my best ‘I-give-a-fuck’ face. Which was only half as good as my ‘please-tell-me-more’ face.
The menacing fangs in its mouth gleamed as it smiled at us, and then the ground started to shake. “Why it’s right here!”
“Oh no!” Trip yelped as if anticipating what the wall would do next.
The red fur covering the ground began to roll around us like waves in the sea. We cried out as a wave knocked us off our feet. I put my arms up to protect my head as it threw us about. Then, when I was beginning to feel like a rag doll, it dumped us back on to the ground at the entrance.
“Yer just lookin’ for trouble, ain’t ye?” Mop stood as he dusted himself off. “Why’d ye have to go insultin’ him like that?”
“Him?” I groaned, easing up off the ground. This place was not kind to the body. “It has a gender?”
“I heard that!” A roar came from the other side of the room.
“Would ye stop!” Mop glared at me. “Of course, he has a gender. All beings in the UnSeelie Court be alive.” He gestured to the shadowy figures slithering in the edges. “Though, not all of them be conscious of it.”
He picked up the biscuit he’d dropped and thrust it toward me. “Here. Ye made the mess, ye can fix it.”
I took the biscuit and turned it over in my hand, frowning when nothing unusual stood out. It was an ordinary biscuit; hard as a rock, but ordinary.
“How am I supposed to get across that?” I pointed to the roaring crimson waves, still tearing across the floor.
“That’s yer problem. I’m stayin’ outta it.” He crossed his arms and plopped down on the ground, dismissing me with a turn of his back.
I glanced down at the white ball of fur huddled at my feet. “I don’t suppose you have any advice for me?”
Trip uncurled himself from the cocoon of his ears and gazed up at me with apologetic eyes. His ears and tail hung heavy at his feet. I supposed it was too much to hope that he’d be able to help me out of this mess.
My mother always said I had diarrhea of the mouth. I always ended up saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It usually ended with embarrassment for me, or more often than not, my mother.
“Katherine, some opinions are better left unsaid.” She’d lecture me whenever I made a comment about how someone’s dress made them look fat or their engagement ring was a lot smaller than I would have expected. I was usually more mindful with my thoughts, but this place was making them bounce around like a beach bunny’s breasts, only a small snap away from bursting forth into the world.
“Trip is sorry, Lady, Trip is. Maybe if Lady gives the biscuit to Teeth, Teeth will be happy again.” Trip shrugged his small shoulders with an encouraging smile.
“Mop. Trip. Teeth. What kind of names are those?” I snorted. No points for creativity apparently. Next thing I know I’ll be running into Doc and Dopey.
“Thems not be our real names.” Mop growled from over his shoulder. “Thems be what we are known for. Only a fool would give someone else their true name.”
“So, you’re telling me your name is Mop because you, what, mop?”
“It sounds silly when ye be puttin’ it that way.” Mop frowned at the ground before his eyes snapped up to me. “There ain’t no shame in keepin’ a clean home.”
Ignoring Mop’s venomous gaze, I turned to Trip. “So, what do you do then, Trip?” The white fur ball cracked the first smile I had seen since the Between. “Let me guess. You trip people?”
“Yes, yes!” Trip nodded, his tail whipping back and forth. “Trip is the best tripper i
n all UnSeelie Court, Trip is.” He opened his arms wide. “In all Underground.”
“Underground? That’s the second time you’ve called this place that.” I peeked back at Mop, hoping he would fill in the blanks.
An exasperated sigh was all I got, but after a moment, he finally turned to me holding up a finger. “The UnSeelie Court only be one of three realms in the Underground. There also be the Seelie Court and the Shadow Realm.”
“What’s the difference?”
“The UnSeelie, that be us.” He pointed at Trip and himself. “…are more flexible about the rules. We go for what we want and will do just ‘bout anything to get it.”
“And the Seelie?”
“The Seelie. Bah!” I jumped back as he spat on the ground. “They only be carin’ about appearances and doin’ the honorable thing. Or what they think be honorable. Rules are rules,” he mimicked. “Don’t be lettin’ them make ye think they won’t bend the rules when it suits them.”
“So, they’re the good Fae? Does that mean the UnSeelie Court are the bad Fae?” I surveyed my two companions. “But you don’t seem bad to me?”
“There ain’t no good or bad, only the intent behind it.” I tensed at the molten glare Mop sent my way. “A Seelie would kill ye just as easily as an UnSeelie would if ye be gettin’ in their way. They’d just try to find a reason to back up the killin’ is all.” His nose quirked up as he snorted. “Don’t want to be sullyin’ their delicate hands.”
I nodded. It kind of made sense. My mother would have fit right in with the Seelie crowd. No problem. The other doors in the Between must have led to the other realms. I was glad I ended up in the UnSeelie Court. I didn’t see myself lasting more than five minutes in the Seelie Court. Though, Mop and Trip seemed fine enough, it appeared like the majority of the Underground hated humans. I couldn’t imagine the shadow realm would welcome me either.
“What about the Shadow Realm?”
Mop gave an impatient tap of his foot. “How ‘bout this? I’ll tell ye what ye want to know when ye get us out of here. I’ll even give ye a hint.” He pointed to the biscuit still clenched in my hand. “It’s gonna take a lot more biscuits than the one I pulled out of ye garbage to calm him down.
“Garbage? But I haven’t had biscuits in over a week.” My brow crinkled as I examined the biscuit in my hand again and began to notice the green tinge on the edges. My lip twisted as I dropped the biscuit to the ground with a thud. I forced back the urge to vomit when little white maggots poked their heads out of the sides.
“That’s disgusting, Mop! You’ve had that thing in your pocket this whole time?” The fact that I had even touched it for a brief moment made my skin crawl.
“Ye didn’t have to go and do that!” Mop scooped up the biscuit and shoved it back into the depths of his overalls. “Ye humans be too wasteful.” He gestured toward where Teeth resided on the other side of the roaring waves. “So what if it be old? It’ll be another decade before he be seein’ another biscuit.”
The new information spun an idea in my head. I turned back to the waves of red and strained my neck to see Teeth over them. I couldn’t see him, the waves didn’t make as much noise as real waves, so he could probably still hear me. Probably.
“Teeth!” Silence followed for a moment before a reluctant growl replied.
“What do you want now? To insult me further? Maybe you’d like to comment on my mother next? Or is my physical appearance all that matters to you?”
I winced at his accusations. I really did know how to stick my foot in my mouth. I may not be a big people person but I was certainly fluent in bullshit.
“I apologize for my words earlier. They were ignorant and judgmental.” I glared down at Mop when he snorted. “I am new to your world and, as you’d expect, not used to seeing so much.” I paused to think of an inoffensive word, “…life around me.”
The red waves died down into a low roll as my words penetrated the silence in the air. Teeth didn’t say anything for a few moments, and I wondered if he had once again hidden away back into the wall. A deep bellowing laugh revealed he was still there, shaking the ground beneath our feet.
“I pity you, so limited by your imagination. There are so many more wondrous and terrifying things you can’t find out your back door.”
My companions and I peeked between each other before we moved to inch across the calmed floor. When it seemed like Teeth wasn’t going to throw us back again, we hastened our stride. We didn’t stop moving until we were standing in front of Teeth’s menacing face once again.
Teeth looked us over for a moment, a grin still on his mouth. “Oh, all right. All is forgiven!”
Mop stepped forward. “So, ye will let us pass?”
“Ha!” Teeth barked. “Not for a measly molded biscuit I won’t!” His eyes rolled to focus on me. “What can you offer in return?”
“Um.” I thought for a second and opened my mouth to reply, but Trip tugged on my hand. Leaning down to his level, my ears peeled to hear his hushed words.
“Lady should be careful, Lady should.” Trip eyed the wall beside us. “Lady shouldn’t offer something Lady isn’t willing to give.”
Contemplating his caution, I thought about what I could offer to the talking wall. What did Teeth want that I could give him? I didn’t have any money. I doubt he could use it in the Underground anyway. All I had were the clothes on my back, and they weren’t even my best ones. I rubbed my hands together and grimaced at the remaining residue form the old biscuit.
Of course! Biscuits. That’s what Teeth wanted.
“Well? I’m waiting.”
I tapped my chin, pretending to be deep in thought. “How about in exchange for our passage I will give you a hundred biscuits?”
Hopefully, he wouldn’t eat them all at once. I knew if I ate that many carbs I’d be bloated for days. Not to mention the calories!
Teeth studied me as he mused over my offer. “How do I know you will bring them? It is hard enough to get into our world; how you did it this time will be up for a long debate, no doubt” He glared at Mop and Trip, who stared down at the ground. “I can’t imagine you could make it in a second time.”
“Trip will be guarding my gardens in exchange for carrots. He can bring them to you.”
Trip squeaked next to me. I felt bad for putting Trip in the middle of it, but Mop sure as hell wasn’t going to do it. So the little rabbit-like creature was going to have to be my scapegoat.
“Very well.” Teeth watched Trip trembling at my side, amusement glinting in his eyes at the terror he was inflicting. Then his eyes focused back on me with a malevolent glint. “But I want a blood oath on it.”
“Al–”, I was about to agree, when Mop burst out next to me.
“Ye maggot-eatin’, mud-chompin’ eggymelt!” Mop spat out an array of other insults, half of which I had never even heard of. “Ye know damn well a blood oath ain’t be worth no bander suckin’ biscuits.”
“What’s the big deal?” I frowned down at the outraged brownie. “It’s just a little blood, right? Like spitting on your hand before you shake on it.”
Mop’s hands curled into fists as he glared daggers at Teeth. “It ain’t be just a little blood. It be an oath that binds ye life force to it. If ye break it ye forfeit ye life.”
“What the fuck!” I sputtered. “That’s ridiculous!”
“Now ye see why we don’t be takin’ them lightly.” He turned his head away and waved an arm at me. “But it be up to ye. It be ye life on the line, and we can’t stay in here forever.”
“Can’t we just go back the other way?” I gave a longing look back toward the other door. The guards had to be a better option than this. Right?
“Not if ye value ye head.”
Inside I screamed. I was backed into a corner with no way out but to do what Teeth asked. I didn’t want to risk my life for a bunch of biscuits, but I also didn’t want to be stuck in Teeth’s head for the rest of my life. With Teeth’s short tempe
r, it probably wouldn’t be long at all.
I gripped my hair in my hands, the thickness of it tangling in my fingers as I growled. “Fine. What do I have to do?”
“Lady must state the terms of the oath and Lady must swear it on Lady’s blood, Lady must. Then Teeth must do the same.” Trip gestured for me to come in close and put a hand up to his mouth. “Lady must get words right, Lady must. Fae will try to––”
“Trick me. Yes, I know. Thanks.” I tugged the bottom of my grey sweater.
Where to start? It wasn’t everyday one did a blood oath. I haven’t done a pinkie swear since I was twelve and that was when I promised Ryan Moody I wouldn’t tell anyone he tried to steal my mom’s clothes at my birthday party. He said he only wanted to look at them, but the fact that he recently had a sex change had me thinking otherwise.
“I’ll go first then.” Teeth cleared his throat. “I, Teeth of the UnSeelie Court, swear a blood oath to let the human pass––”
“And Mop and Trip.” Mop interrupted.
Teeth gave an unpleasant frown. “And Mop and Trip. To pass through into the deeper parts of the UnSeelie Court in exchange for a hundred biscuits from the human realm. Now you, human.” His teeth gnashed together as he waited for me to start.
“All right. I–”
“Wait a second, wait a second,” I growled as Mop interrupted again. He pointed a finger at Teeth. “Ye forgot to put ye won’t be tellin’ anyone bout Lady being here.”
“Oh?” A not so innocent grin spread across Teeth’s face. “Did I? My apologies. I, Teeth also swear to not tell anyone that the human was or has ever been here. Happy?”
“Hardly.” Mop huffed but gestured to me to continue.
I turned back to the intimidating wall before us and opened my mouth to say – nothing. I didn’t know how to refer to myself. Usually, I would have stated my name, Katherine Marie Nottington, but as my stick-up-his-ass guide loved to remind me, I shouldn’t give out my name to just anyone.
Trip and Mop called me Lady, so I suppose I could use that, but it seemed too much like a name as well. Although, Teeth referred to me as the human in his speech, would it be vague enough to wiggle my way out of the deal if the need arose?
