by Holly Martin
‘Oh god, that’s awful for him. To live with that guilt must have been horrible.’ Isla’s heart broke imagining Leo as a little boy taking all that on his shoulders.
‘I think he accepted later that he wasn’t to blame but for several years after Dad died that guilt manifested itself as anger. He acted out for the next few years, messed around at school or missed school altogether, got into trouble with police, got drunk too often… He was a bit of a mess.’
‘He’s told me this before,’ Isla said. ‘I don’t care about any of that. Why would stuff he did fifteen, twenty years ago make a difference to the man he is now?’
‘Because everyone thought he was worthless, that he would never amount to anything. Many of his teachers even told him that. His girlfriends laughed at the possibility that he could ever be anything serious for anyone. There were even bets that he would end up in prison. At the end of school the class did one of those silly polls: which kid will most likely be famous, which kid will get married first, which kid will be a millionaire. There was one – which kid will most likely end up in jail – and all his classmates said it would be Leo. He tried to pretend he didn’t care, even lived up to his reputation for a few years, drove around on a dirt bike, wore the leather jacket, even took up smoking for a while to cement his hard-guy image. But he did care. The fact that everyone thought he was worthless did affect him and I think it’s kind of stuck with him ever since. He has never had any kind of serious relationship because I don’t think he saw that he would have any kind of future with anyone. You’re the longest relationship he’s ever had.’
‘We’re not—’ Isla started.
‘But you are. You’re closer than most couples. And it’s not just friendship, you can see that. You might not have the intimacy but you’re definitely in a relationship. He loves you.’
Isla shook her head. ‘I told him how I felt and he basically bolted out the door.’
Emily’s eyes softened. ‘I just want to hug him and shake him sometimes. I guarantee that this is everything to do with how he sees himself and nothing to do with you. You spend almost your entire life thinking you’re worthless, it’s hard to break that mentality. I think you just need to talk to him. Tell him why you fell in love with him, the qualities you see in him. Maybe then he might start seeing himself like that too.’
Isla stared at the menu. Could Emily be right? The thought of having that conversation with Leo made her cringe. She had already embarrassed herself in front of him by telling him her feelings but now his sister wanted her to persuade him that he was wrong and they did deserve a chance.
‘I know it seems like hard work, but I promise you he’s worth the risk.’
Isla smiled, knowing Emily was right about that at least. Maybe it would be worth one more go.
Chapter Nine
‘What are we having for dinner?’ Elliot said as he sat on the unit top, swinging his feet.
‘Meatball bolognese,’ Isla said, taking the dish out of the oven.
‘Is Leo coming?’ Elliot said, insightfully. He knew her bolognese was Leo’s favourite.
‘I think so. He’s busy with work so he might not be able to,’ Isla said, not wanting to tell Elliot that she had left things rather awkwardly with Leo earlier and he might make some excuse and not come rather than have to face her again.
‘I like meatball bolognese, it’s my favourite,’ Elliot said. Anything Leo liked was Elliot’s favourite. ‘When we move into Leo’s house will we still have meatball bolognese?’
Isla paused in stirring the sauce over the meatballs. ‘When are we moving into Leo’s house?’
‘When you get married.’
Dear God, was everyone out to try to get them together?
‘Marigold said you would get married soon,’ Elliot said, simply, as if it wasn’t the biggest life-changing decision of her life.
‘Did she?’
‘Leo asks you all the time, doesn’t he?’
She turned her attention back to the meatballs. She had thought she and Leo had been a bit more subtle about the proposals than to let Elliot overhear. Apparently not.
‘I think…’ Isla said carefully. ‘That when Leo asks me to marry him, he’s only joking.’
‘But Marigold says you love each other and when two people love each other they get married.’
‘There are different types of love,’ Isla said, putting the lid back on the pot and returning it to the oven. ‘There are friends who love each other, like I love Tori, and there are brothers and sisters who love each other, like I love Melody and loved your dad, but I wouldn’t get married to them.’
‘But Tori and Melody are girls,’ Elliot said.
‘Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. Eva and Rosie are married,’ Isla said, referring to the two women who ran the tattoo shop in the village.
‘I didn’t know they were married,’ Elliot said.
‘Yes, they got married because they love each other very much.’
‘Like you and Leo?’
Isla cleared her throat as she measured out the pasta twirls into the saucepan.
‘You love chocolate, right?’ Isla said. ‘It’s your favourite thing in the whole world to eat. You’d eat it all day every day if I let you.’
‘Yes! Chocolate is the best.’
‘Leo loves me like you love chocolate. He likes spending time with me every day and I’m probably one of his favourite people, but he’s not going to marry me, just like you wouldn’t marry chocolate,’ Isla said. This analogy was getting confusing for her; she wasn’t sure what Elliot would make of it.
‘Yes I would,’ Elliot said.
‘I don’t blame you buddy, chocolate is the best thing in the world ever,’ Leo said.
Isla swung around and saw him standing in the doorway.
Shit.
How long had he been standing there listening to her attempts to explain love to Elliot?
‘Leo!’ Elliot said, his whole face lighting up as he launched himself off the unit top and into Leo’s arms. ‘Would you marry chocolate?’
‘Yes I would,’ Leo said, tipping Elliot upside down and holding him by his feet.
Elliot squealed with laughter.
‘And will you marry Isla?’
Leo looked up and fixed Isla with a meaningful glare which Isla found impossible to read.
‘Maybe one day.’
‘Yay!’ Elliot cheered.
Isla flashed Leo an angry look. She had deliberately made him his favourite meal for dinner with the hope that they could talk about them and how he really felt for her, but now she was mad.
‘Elliot, can you go and wash your hands before dinner please?’ Isla said and from the way his smile fell from his face she knew she hadn’t been able to keep the anger from her voice.
‘They’re clean,’ Elliot said.
‘They are not, you’ve just been playing in the garden with Luke for the last hour. I saw you digging for worms,’ she said, trying to force her voice to sound more normal.
Elliot giggled. ‘I found a really big one.’
‘Go on buddy, go and wash your hands,’ Leo said. ‘If we’re quick we can go out in the garden to see if we can spot him again before dinner. But no digging this time, just looking.’
Elliot raced off and a few seconds later she heard the thunder of feet as he ran up the stairs.
Leo moved to give her a kiss on the cheek, but she stopped him.
‘Don’t do that.’
His face fell. ‘Don’t do what? Kiss you?’
‘Make empty promises to Elliot. I’m a big girl, I can handle disappointment just fine, but he’s five. Don’t promise him we’re going to get married when we’re not.’
‘I didn’t promise him. I said, maybe one day.’
‘And all he heard was one day and in his mind, he thinks that’s one day really soon. He’s already talking about coming to live with you, because Marigold has told him we love each other and we’re going to ge
t married. I was just trying to explain to him that’s not going to happen.’
‘Maybe it will,’ Leo said, moving closer.
Isla stopped herself from groaning in frustration.
‘Had a change of heart, have we? Suddenly decided I’m the love of your life?’
He stepped even closer, so she could feel his warmth, his sexy tangy scent enveloping her. Despite the fact that she was mad at him, she suddenly wanted him to do all manner of wonderful and dirty things to her.
She looked up at him, wanting to push him away and haul him close at the same time.
‘Maybe I have,’ Leo said.
‘My hands are clean!’ Elliot yelled, running back into the kitchen. ‘Let’s go and find that worm.’
Leo smirked as Elliot pulled his shoes on and Luke ran around him in excited circles. He placed a kiss on her cheek, just like he always did, but somehow this felt different – as if it was laced with intent.
‘Maybe… We can talk later when little ears can’t hear us.’
Isla nodded numbly and Leo stepped back and followed Elliot outside.
‘No touching anything with your nice clean hands,’ Leo said as the door closed behind them. ‘If you see the worm you can only point at it with your elbow.’
Elliot burst out laughing and took Leo’s hand, running off with him down the end of the garden.
That was a conversation she was suddenly very much looking forward to.
Isla closed the book they had been reading. Elliot had chosen Rumble in the Jungle as his bedtime story, which was apparently his all-time favourite, but Isla suspected it was because it was one that she and Leo always read together, and any time together as a family was always a good thing in Elliot’s book. Leo would do the deep voices of the bigger creatures and she would do the more high-pitched voices of the more delicate creatures. Leo would always throw in a lot of actions, too, which Elliot loved.
‘Goodnight little man,’ Isla said and kissed him on the cheek.
‘Goodnight buddy,’ Leo said, kissing him on the head.
‘Love you,’ Elliot said sleepily, closing his eyes with a big smile on his face.
‘Love you too,’ Isla said.
God, her chest hurt just looking at him. It was funny. She’d always loved Elliot, he was her nephew and she adored him, but somehow in the last year that love had intensified.
She gave Luke, who was snoring softly on the end of the bed, a pat on the head and left the room.
Leo was waiting for her at the doorway as she turned on the nightlight and closed the door so it was ajar.
She looked up at him. ‘He adores you.’
‘The feeling is very mutual.’
She smiled and reached up and stroked his face. He turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand. Her heart leapt and his eyes darkened.
‘Shall we go downstairs? I feel like I need a glass of wine,’ Isla said, her breath unsteady.
Leo nodded.
She followed him downstairs, admiring the broadness of his shoulders, his strong arms, remembering what it was like to be held in those arms.
She walked into the kitchen and went to the fridge as Leo settled himself at the table.
‘Want a drink?’ Isla said, pouring herself a glass of white.
‘No thanks, I think I’d rather keep a clear head.’
Isla let out a heavy breath. What did he want to keep a clear head for?
She sat down opposite him and he smiled at her.
He took her hand and her heart went into overdrive. Maybe this conversation could wait. Maybe all they needed was to reconnect again, as they had that wonderful night four years before.
He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand. ‘I hurt you before and that’s the very last thing I’d want.’
‘It’s OK—’
‘It’s not. Especially as I’ve left you thinking that I don’t have feelings for you when I do.’
Her mouth was dry, goosebumps erupting over her body.
‘Feelings that go way beyond just friendship and way more than what I feel for chocolate,’ Leo went on.
She laughed slightly, suddenly afraid, nervous and excited all at once.
‘I panicked because… I wasn’t sure what I had to offer you—’ Leo started.
‘Someone who is wonderful, kind, generous, funny. I wish you could see what an incredible man you are.’
‘I don’t feel I deserve you.’
‘Don’t put me on a pedestal. I’m not a goddess.’
‘It’s not that. I mean, you are a goddess obviously,’ he grinned. ‘It’s just…’ A darkness passed over his face. ‘Being with you feels like I’m benefitting from Matthew’s death. If he hadn’t died, you wouldn’t be here. You’d probably still be with Daniel.’
‘And what a lucky escape that was. That man was never going to be my forever. I should have seen it sooner.’
‘Do you never think about that kind of thing?’ Leo asked. ‘You have Elliot now and he is the love of your life.’
‘Without wanting to sound too deep, I’m sure there’s some famous quote that says something like, In darkness there is always light. Matthew’s death was heartbreaking but it gave me the greatest gift of all. Of course I’m not happy that Matthew died, but I’m not going to feel guilty for finding happiness from his death. Lots of good things have happened in the last year. I now live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and… his death brought me to you.’
He winced a little and she wasn’t sure if she’d said the wrong thing.
‘Regardless of what happens between us, I will always be grateful to have you in my life,’ she explained.
‘You had me in your life long before he died. I’m not just here because of that.’
It was true, they had a connection many years before his death.
‘I often think about the night we spent together,’ Leo said and her breath caught in her throat. ‘Do you?’
‘All the time,’ Isla said, without thinking. ‘You never talk about that night, I thought that you had forgotten.’
He looked surprised. ‘I remember every glorious detail. Why would you think I could forget that so easily?’
‘Because you’ve been with hundreds of women.’
‘There’s not been hundreds,’ Leo said.
‘OK, maybe hundreds is a slight exaggeration, but I was just one of many.’
He frowned. ‘You were different. You knew that.’
She sighed because when he had been holding her in bed, kissing her, staring at her with adoration, she had thought that maybe they had something, and then any glimmer of hope was dashed on the rocks just a few hours later.
‘The day of the christening, I heard you talking to that woman. The woman you slept with the night before I came down. Just twenty-four hours before you were telling me you’d had the best night of your life, you had someone else in your bed. We weren’t together, you didn’t owe me anything, you were free to sleep with as many women as you want, but I did realise then that I was just a face in the crowd. I didn’t feel like I was any different from the rest of them.’
He didn’t say anything for a while.
‘I didn’t have her in my bed.’
‘I don’t see the difference.’
‘The difference is I’ve never taken a woman back to my house before. You are the only woman I’ve ever made love to in my bed.’
She stared at him, biting her lip. She guessed that was pretty significant. ‘So are you saying you want to recreate that night?’
‘Oh hell yes.’
She couldn’t deny that she wanted that too. But was that all he was offering?
‘But I don’t just—’ Leo was interrupted by a heavy knock on the door.
Isla debated whether or not to ignore it but, whoever it was – probably Melody or Tori – would know she was in.
‘Hold that thought,’ Isla said, getting up and heading to the front door.
She opened it to find a w
oman standing on the doorstep. In the darkness Isla couldn’t really see who it was. But then the woman stepped forward into the light.
‘Hello Isla.’
Isla felt her stomach lurch, the bottom dropping out of her world. Because, standing on her doorstep, was the one person she hoped she’d never see again: Sadie Norton, Elliot’s mum.
Chapter Ten
Isla had no words. Nothing. What the hell was Sadie doing here after all this time? The courts had used every tool at their disposal to look for Sadie since Matthew’s death nearly a year and a half before. They had searched every country Sadie had been in or had any connection to, they had looked under every stone, but she was nowhere to be found. The snake had finally slithered out of its hidey hole now though, and by the look in her eyes, she was hungry.
Luke growled next to her. It was the first time she had ever heard that noise come from his puppy mouth. He had obviously come downstairs from Elliot’s room to investigate when he’d heard the knock at the door.
Oh God, Elliot. Panic rose up in her so fast she thought she was going to be sick. She couldn’t lose him. There was no way she was letting Sadie have him. Giving birth to him did not make her his mum. Sadie had abandoned him years ago, severed all contact, she didn’t care about him or love him. But what if the courts didn’t see it that way? Karie had already explained that removing parental rights from a mother was so much harder than removing them from a father, that’s why the adoption process had taken so long. But surely the courts would rule in Isla’s favour. Elliot was happy with her, he was loved and taken care of. But what if they gave custody to Sadie?
She wanted to slam the door in her face and then take Elliot and run. What had Leo said, his cousin had a lodge in Canada? Suddenly that was looking more and more attractive.
‘Oh yes, you have every right to look guilty,’ Sadie said.
‘What do you want?’ Isla asked, her heart pounding in her ears.
‘You’re living in my house. And I want it back.’
The house? Sadie was here for the house? Isla nearly sagged with relief. She would gladly hand over the keys right now as long as Sadie signed over parental responsibility for Elliot to her. Maybe she should suggest that, a house in return for her son. But she didn’t even want to mention Elliot – what if Sadie wanted to see him?
