by Holly Martin
He watched her as she fussed around Elliot. Was she angry? Did she hold him responsible?
‘Are you OK?’ she asked Leo, after a while.
‘Yes, I’m sorry,’ Leo said.
She frowned. ‘Why are you sorry?’
‘It should never have happened. I was supposed to be looking after him.’
‘It was just an accident, don’t beat yourself up about it.’
Leo shook his head.
‘My tummy is rumbling,’ Elliot said. ‘Can we go home soon?’
‘Soon, buddy. Shall I go and get you something to eat?’ Leo said.
Elliot nodded.
‘Do you want anything?’ Leo asked Isla.
‘No, I had cake with Tori and Melody,’ Isla said.
‘Did Tori look pretty in her wedding dress?’ Elliot said as Leo left.
He walked to the end of the row of cubicles to try to find his way out of the ward and to the shop.
‘Did you see that man in cubicle three?’ he heard a nurse say from the last cubicle. He hesitated because he and Elliot were in cubicle three; he wondered what derogatory thing they were going to say about him now. He peered through the crack in the curtain and could see a young nurse with Eva changing the bed. ‘He is hot!’ the young nurse said, fanning herself. He smiled slightly and turned to walk away.
‘Leo Jackson,’ Eva said, derisively. ‘Have you seen what he’s done to that poor boy? If bullies like that do it for you, Maisie, then something is very wrong.’
His heart sank.
‘Doctor Hunter said it was a go-kart accident,’ Maisie said.
Eva grunted. ‘You don’t know Leo Jackson like I do. I’m not sure what Isla is doing with someone like him. I don’t know her very well but she seems to have her head screwed on right and then she lets a man like that into her home, leaves him alone with Elliot. This is not the first time Leo has put someone in hospital and I’m sure it won’t be the last.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He broke my brother’s nose,’ Eva said.
‘Deliberately?’
‘Yes, punched him straight in the face.’
He sighed. He had got in a lot of scraps when he’d been younger. Nothing serious and in fact Oliver O’Mara, Eva’s brother, had started a fight with him because Leo had unknowingly kissed Oliver’s girlfriend. He’d been quite good friends with Oliver in the years after school and college before he had moved away so Leo didn’t think Oliver held any grudges against him. And that hadn’t stopped Eva jumping into bed with Leo many years after that event so he didn’t think Eva was that bothered by it either.
‘Everyone in Sandcastle Bay and the surrounding villages knows he’s a bad sort. He’s been in trouble with the police more times than I can count,’ Eva went on with her lies. He’d been arrested twice, all before his eighteenth birthday, hardly a long track record of criminal debauchery. ‘He has a terrible reputation with women.’
‘For hitting them?’ Maisie said, shocked.
‘Well, I’ve not heard that, but… most women only ever sleep with him once, what does that tell you?’
‘That he doesn’t like commitment.’
‘Or they’re too scared to go back.’
Leo rolled his eyes and was just about to walk away when Eva continued in her tirade.
‘Elliot is already on the social services register,’ Eva said. ‘So obviously there are child protection issues.’
‘Isla is trying to adopt him, as you are well aware,’ Maisie said. ‘He is under social services simply because his dad died and his mum wasn’t around.’
‘Well, I thought I better call them just in case. I think they should know,’ Eva grumbled.
‘That could damage Isla’s chances for adoption,’ Maisie said. ‘Why would you do that?’
‘She’s already ruined her chances of adopting that boy by getting together with Leo Jackson. Why do you think the adoption has taken so long? Why do you think social services have been dragging their feet over this? The judge will take one look at Leo Jackson and his terrible reputation and probably take Elliot into care rather than grant the adoption. Seriously, would you leave your child alone with him? What was Isla thinking? The only way Isla is ever going to officially adopt Elliot is if she shows Leo the door and gets as far away from him as possible. Trust me, my friend is a judge in family law cases just like this, she’s seen too many horror stories to just grant an adoption without any due care and consideration. They will consider all the factors and Leo Jackson is going to be a big negative.’
Leo moved away from the cubicle, blood turning to ice in his veins.
Was Eva really right? Could he possibly ruin Isla’s chances of adopting Elliot? He knew what the people of Sandcastle Bay thought of him and none of it was good. He had carved a bad reputation in his teenage years and none of them had forgotten it. It would break Isla’s heart if she couldn’t adopt Elliot and there was no way he could let that happen.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Isla came back downstairs after putting Elliot to bed for an afternoon nap. He was exhausted after his ordeal that morning. She stood in the kitchen doorway and watched Leo sitting at the table, staring into space, his cup of coffee untouched in his hand.
He had been almost silent on the drive home, barely saying a word. He had been distant since they had arrived back at his house. Something was wrong and she didn’t know what.
Karie had arrived at the hospital not long after Isla had got there with a toy for Elliot to cheer him up after his tumble. She was all laughs and friendliness, and was almost bemused by why she’d been called out for what was quite clearly an accident. She hadn’t been bothered by the incident, so Isla wasn’t sure why Leo was.
Isla sat down with him at the table and his eyes flicked up to hers, hurt and pain haunting his face.
‘What’s wrong?’ Isla said, gently, taking his hand.
He shook his head and withdrew his hand.
‘I… can’t do this.’
‘Do what?’
‘Be a dad to Elliot, be a husband to you. I can’t. I thought I could, but I’m not good for you.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous. It was a silly accident.’
‘Everyone in that hospital thought that I had beaten him up.’
She frowned. Had they really thought that? Was that why they had called Karie?
‘Everyone in the village knows I’m rotten, the bad apple, and they’re right, everything they say is true.’
‘They must be very small-minded if they judge you on the person you were twenty years ago and not the wonderful man you are now. They don’t know you like I do.’
‘I am scum, self-absorbed. Matthew is dead because of me.’
She stared at him. ‘How can you think that? You weren’t driving the car that killed him.’
‘But I was there in the pub with Alan, I watched him get drunker than I’d ever seen him get before. I did nothing to stop him drinking, I never asked if he was OK, I watched him walk out the pub with no thought to how he might be getting home. If I’d stopped him, if I’d talked to him, Matthew would still be here. I’m selfish and I don’t deserve to have you and his son in my life as a reward for those thoughtless actions.’
Isla tried to process all this. She thought about how different her life would have been if only Leo had spoken to Alan that fateful night and she couldn’t find one single bit of anger towards Leo. None of this was his fault. But this guilt had lain on his shoulders for the last year and a half and her heart broke that he felt this way.
‘There are a hundred different things that led to Matthew being killed that night, tiny little unremarkable decisions and choices. You are not responsible for his death. You need to let that go.’ She reached for his hand again but he moved it away.
Despair and anger rose up in her. As awful as it was to live with this guilt, he was pushing her away because of it. Her happy future with her perfect little family was slipping between her fingers and
it was this guilt that was tearing them apart. And then another thought occurred to her.
‘Is that why you became so invested in Elliot’s life and mine? Out of guilt?’
‘Of course it was,’ Leo snapped.
Isla felt like she’d just been slapped. ‘So what was all this?’ she pointed between the two of them. ‘Just one big guilt trip? You proposed to me every week for a year out of guilt. Did you sleep with me out of guilt as well?’
‘You’re being ridiculous.’
‘And there was me thinking you were here because you loved us.’
‘I do, Christ, of course I do. I’ve been in love with you for four years and I fell in love with Elliot very quickly, after spending all that time with him, but yes, initially there was guilt involved in my visits. Guilt that Elliot no longer had a father, that you no longer had a brother because of me.’
‘It wasn’t your fault. You can’t let this destroy your life. Do you think Matthew would want that? Elliot needs you—’
‘He doesn’t need me. He’s lying upstairs with a broken wrist because of me.’
‘That was an accident,’ Isla said, exasperated.
‘They asked me if he was allergic to any medicine and I didn’t know. They asked me what blood type he was just in case he needed to have surgery on his arm and I didn’t know that either. What kind of dad would I be to him?’
‘I didn’t know any of that stuff when I came here to look after Elliot, in fact I’m still not sure what blood type he is. Do you think I know what I’m doing half the time? Do you think any parent does? I never know whether I’m too strict or too soft. When he asks me questions like what’s a condom or how are babies made, I haven’t got a clue how to answer him. Most of parenthood is making it up as we go along and hoping that we don’t psychologically scar them or accidentally kill them before their eighteenth birthday,’ Isla said.
‘I nearly killed him today.’
‘It was an accident,’ she said, feeling like she should get it tattooed on the back of his hand so she wouldn’t have to repeat it again.
‘And what if I had killed him? Would you be quite so forgiving then? “Never mind dear, it was just an accident.”’
Isla tried to think about how she would honestly react if Elliot had tragically died that day. Her chest hurt just thinking about it. But would she blame Leo for it? The calm and rational part of her brain assured her she wouldn’t, that he couldn’t be responsible for a terrible accident, but she knew there was nothing calm and rational about grief.
‘You would hate me,’ Leo said, quietly.
‘So, what is happening here? You’re breaking up with me? You gave being a dad your best shot and realised that it’s not for you and now you’re walking away. That’s not what being a parent is about. That’s not what being a husband is about. You gave me this ring and promised to be here for me for better or worse.’
‘What I’m doing is better for you.’
‘Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?’
He stood up and kissed her on the head. ‘I’m sorry.’
With that, he walked out the door.
She stared after him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. What the hell had just happened?
The sun had set leaving burnt orange, copper and golden trails across the sky when Elliot walked into the kitchen.
She hadn’t moved from the table since Leo had left, alternating between crying uncontrollably and numb shock. Right now she was just numb, which she was glad about; she didn’t want Elliot to see her cry. Though she knew more tears would come later.
‘How are you feeling, beautiful boy?’ she asked, her voice croaky from all the crying.
‘I’m OK,’ Elliot said. ‘A bit sore. Where’s Leo?’
The tears threatened again. How the hell was she going to explain this to him? It would break him. Anger swamped her. Damn Leo for this. He had no right to do this. And in actual fact, if he was no longer going to be a part of his godson’s life, then he could damn well come back and explain that to Elliot himself.
‘He had to go to work, he has a firework display tonight.’
Elliot nodded, accepting that completely, and Isla vowed that would be the last time she would lie to cover Leo’s ass.
‘He’ll be back for the Halloween parade tomorrow, though, right?’ Elliot said.
Isla hesitated. ‘I’m not sure, he’s very busy. You know this time of year he has lots of firework displays.’
His little face crumpled. ‘But he promised he would come to the parade with me.’
‘Then… I’m sure he will do his very best to be here.’
Now she was standing up for him and he didn’t deserve that either.
‘Why don’t we watch a movie tonight?’ Isla said, hoping to distract Elliot. ‘We can watch it together in Leo’s bed, eat popcorn, whatever movie you want.’
‘Frozen!’ Elliot said, his disappointment forgotten.
‘Frozen it is,’ Isla said. ‘And we can have pizza for dinner.’
‘And can we eat that in Leo’s bed too?’ Elliot said.
‘Sure, why not,’ Isla said, not caring if they got crumbs, pizza sauce and cheese all over his sheets.
Isla closed the bedtime story she had just finished reading to Elliot and leaned over and kissed him on the head.
‘Goodnight, beautiful boy,’ Isla said.
‘Goodnight, I love you,’ Elliot said. ‘Oh wait, I need to say goodnight to Leo.’
He quickly grabbed the walkie-talkie from the side of his bed.
‘Honey, he’ll be busy working, he might not have his walkie-talkie on,’ Isla said, hating that she was lying again.
Elliot pressed the button to alert Leo that he was calling him.
‘This is Batman to Robin, come in Robin.’
There was silence from the other end. Isla didn’t know whether Leo was ignoring Elliot or simply wasn’t anywhere near his walkie-talkie. She hoped it was the latter.
Elliot tried again. ‘This is Batman to Robin, come in Robin.’
Silence.
Then the airwaves crackled to life. ‘This is Robin, what do you need, Batman?’
Her heart leapt up into her mouth. She wanted to shout and scream at him but she couldn’t do that in front of Elliot.
‘Just wanted to say goodnight and I love you,’ Elliot said, simply.
‘I love you too,’ Leo said, his voice croaky and hoarse.
Elliot smiled. ‘This is Batman, over and out.’
He placed the walkie-talkie on the drawers next to the bed and snuggled down.
Isla stared at the walkie-talkie for a moment. ‘Elliot, I’m just going to borrow this for a few minutes. I need a quick word with Leo.’
‘OK, Isla, goodnight.’
‘Night, beautiful.’ She placed a kiss on his head and gave Luke a pat on the head.
She picked up the walkie-talkie and carried it downstairs where Elliot couldn’t hear her. She stared at it, wondering what she was going to say. Then she rang the alert button.
‘This is Isla to Asshole, come in Asshole.’
Silence. Well she didn’t really expect him to answer that.
‘I know you can hear me and you’re going to listen to what I have to say. Tomorrow is the Halloween parade and you are going to be there. Elliot has been looking forward to this parade for weeks and you are not going to let him down, do you understand? You promised him you would be there and you promised me that, no matter what happened between us, you would always be there for him. So you are god damn going to be there, not for me, but for him.’
Isla bit back a sob, tears streaming down her face. ‘You coming back for the parade is not us getting back together, because we are too far past that now, but this is keeping a promise to a little boy who doesn’t deserve to be treated this badly, who has done nothing wrong, whose only crime was falling in love with you and thinking he could trust you. You are going to be at this parade, you are going to wear your bloody Robin costume an
d you are going to prove to him that you’re not an asshole. And then afterwards, you are going to sit him down and explain to him why you won’t be in his life any more. I lied for you tonight, I covered for you when he asked where you are and I’m not doing that again. If you’re going to let him down and break his heart then you can do that to his face.’ She hated that Leo could hear that she was crying so she quickly let go of the talk button.
The airwaves stayed silent. He had no response to any of that.
She pressed the talk button again.
‘I hate you right now, Leo Jackson. I hate you for making me believe in you and then letting me down so badly. I hate you for giving me all these wonderful promises about our future and then snatching them away. I hate you for what you’ve done for Elliot. And I hate you for making me fall in love with you. I can’t just turn that off even if you can and I hate you for that.’
Silence.
She tossed the walkie-talkie on the table and, wiping the tears from her face, she went off to bed.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Leo stared at the ceiling of Jamie’s lounge from his position on the sofa. He had wandered around aimlessly the afternoon before, not entirely sure where to go, or what to do. When night fell he’d found himself outside Jamie’s house, although it was evident his little brother wasn’t in, probably spending the night at Melody’s. So, using his spare key, he had let himself in and spent the night on the sofa, although sleep had completely eluded him.
He had made the biggest mistake of his life. Walking out on Isla and Elliot was walking away from the best thing that had ever happened to him. Listening to how upset Isla had been the night before had broken his heart.
He had reacted badly to Elliot’s accident. In the cold light of day, he knew that. He’d felt so guilty that it had happened under his care, that he was the cause of it. But even worse had been everyone’s reactions to it at the hospital. He remembered his friend Steve questioning his motives when he’d wanted to talk to Sadie at the hotel, wondering if he was going to hurt her. If even his old friends thought so little of him, it was no surprise that the doctors and nurses who didn’t know him, or knew him when he was a kid, thought he was capable of hurting Elliot. But what really worried him was what Eva had said about the judge in charge of the adoption case refusing Isla custody if they knew that Leo was involved. If Betty and Frances could still think so badly of him after all these years then it could be that the judge, if they knew Leo, might have those feelings too. And it was that threat that had ultimately made him walk away. There was no way he could stand between Isla and Elliot’s adoption.
