by TJ Klune
When you think about your lover, what do you feel?
Current panic aside, Gus felt happy and at peace with a large portion of exasperation mixed in and topped off with just a hint of fond annoyance. Gus wasn’t really sure what that said about him (or Casey for that matter), but he thought maybe he was on the right track.
Does your lover make you laugh?
Yes.
Does your lover make you stronger?
Yes.
Does your lover make you want to wake up in the morning?
Yes.
Does your lover make you happy?
Yes. Always yes.
Does your lover allow you to maintain your individuality?
And Gus paused. Because he wasn’t quite sure what the question was asking. Gus didn’t know if he was sure who he was anymore as an individual. He certainly wasn’t the same person who’d scraped by in the last years following Pastor Tommy’s death. And who was he before his dad had died? He was his father’s son. He was Gustavo Tiberius. Sometimes he was cranky. Sometimes he had a hard time smiling. Sometimes he thought he wasn’t enough for his mother to stick around. Sometimes all he wanted to do was make his father happy so he could see Pastor Tommy’s quiet smile for the rest of his days.
And now? Now he sat huddled under a blanket, hiding in his house wearing his father’s Hawaiian shirt because someone had once said they thought he was abnormal and weird and strange. And maybe he was. Maybe that’s who he was. He didn’t think that clothes made the man or a sudden attempt at a personality shift. He was who he was and—
But really, though. Maybe he wasn’t normal, okay? Maybe he wasn’t like everyone else. But even though he’d tried to become something better, pieces of who he really was still poked through and those were the pieces that Casey seemed to cherish the most about him.
Casey had never asked him to change.
Gus had done that all on his own.
Would you do anything for your lover?
Yes. Wait. No. Gus wouldn’t do heroin for Casey. And he wouldn’t eat cow tongue. Nor would he tell Michael Bay that he thought he was a great filmmaker and that Armageddon had no plot holes whatsoever. Also, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t go up against a dance troupe all trained in capoeira, the art of dance fighting, if Casey asked him to. That would just be ridiculous.
But he would play Stoner Scrabble.
And he would talk about Pastor Tommy.
And he would meet his friends.
And he would hold his hand.
And he would hug him. Gus could finally hug him without feeling embarrassed, without feeling like he had to ask, or that he even had any right to ask. And Casey never pushed him away. Casey never told him no. Casey always held on as tightly as Gus did, fingers digging in, chin hooked over shoulder, ears and cheeks brushing and if he was lucky, the hug would stretch on far longer than it normally should and would only end when Gus ended it.
Yeah, okay, so maybe there were some things he couldn’t do for Casey. And yeah, there were some things that Casey would never be able to do for him, but what they could do for each other? That was enough. That was more than enough.
In fact, it might have been everything.
And if that wasn’t just a punch to the dick.
Well shit.
It appeared Gustavo Tiberius was in love.
Possibly.
There were thirty-seven more steps listed under How to Know If You’re in Love but Gus was too busy hyperventilating into his knees to read them. By the time he’d finished, he didn’t need to reach the remaining steps. He was pretty goddamn certain he was in love and it was the most terrible thing in the world.
And no, if asked, Gus still didn’t believe he was prone to hyperbole.
Once he was able to breathe, he told Harry S. Truman, “I blame this whole thing on the entire hipster movement, oh my god. Seriously. What the hell. What are they even doing?”
He closed down the love tab and glared at the remaining two.
HOW TO Be in a Long-Distance Relationship
Is your lover moving because of a job? Or perhaps you are. Or perhaps, you’re reading this far into the future and the machines have taken over and your lover is going to fight in the Great War for Survival in order to take down Steve Jobs who has since risen from his grave and infused his body with iOS in order to infect the human race with a diabolical Terms of Service unlike the world has ever seen before.
Regardless of the why, you and your lover are going to spend a great deal of time away from each other. It can be hard to be separated and can put strain on any relationship. The following steps can help to provide an easy solution for any long-distance relationship, and even to help it thrive. Also, if you need to figure out how to deal the overlord Steve Jobs, please follow the link on How to Destroy the Robotic Machiavellian Steve Jobs.
Gus was very tempted. Somehow, he resisted. He thought maybe it was because of the power of love. Then he decided that he should never think of the phrase the power of love ever again, what the hell.
Step 1: Trust That Everything Will Be Just Fine
Trust. It’s the key in maintaining a healthy and happy long-distance relationship. If you have trust in your lover and your lover has trust in you, it will create a bond of positivity and love between the two of you. It’s when distrust sets in that that the seeds of doubt can be planted only to grow into the weeds of suspicion and the bushes of disbelief.
For example, you begin to hear the name Mary in conversations with your lover. It starts off slight at first, just a mention or two a week of your lover’s new coworker. But then it escalates until almost every conversation has a mention of this Mary.
Do not allow the bushes of disbelief to take root. You should not accuse your lover of being a cheating slattern. Nor should you hire someone to follow them to see what your lover and Mary get up to outside of the office. It is also inadvisable to go online and learn everything there is to possibly know about this Mary while making plans to infiltrate her life and destroy her from the inside because that could be considered an invasion of privacy and/or the actions of an unstable person.
Instead, ask questions that show you’re interested about what your lover has to say. For example:
Lover, this Mary person sounds interesting. What sort of hobbies does she have?
Lover, that was a funny story about Mary. Can you tell me another one?
I think I should meet this Mary, lover. How about the next time I visit, all of us grab dinner?
Guess what?
You do. You do meet Mary.
And you find out she is in a long-term homosexual relationship with her lover Sarah.
See? Had you gone psycho-crazy, you would have never learned that Mary is a lesbian and has no interest in your lover. Mary is also good at wood-cutting and shaving and shows you how to shave a beaver out of pine. She also makes a wonderful cup of oolong tea she learned from her sensei down at the dojo where she is a brown belt.
Because you trusted, you and your lover now have a lifelong lesbian friend and a carving of a large, semiaquatic rodent. This is what trust can bring you.
Gus trusted Casey, yes. Of course he did. And it wasn’t like Casey was the type to go and sleep around. Casey probably knew lesbians, though. Gus wondered if lesbians could be hipsters. There was certainly enough plaid to go around for everyone. However, Gus didn’t think that he’d want to do woodworking with a lesbian. The last time he’d tried to work wood, he’d nicked his finger and had bled. Gus didn’t like bleeding.
But he liked Casey.
And he could trust him.
Step 2: Make Sure to Be There for the Good and Bad
It’s easy to remember to celebrate the good things. Birthdays, promotions, anniversaries. Those are all things worth celebrating and are far easier to remember. Surprising your lover with flowers or a love note on their special day can mean the world to them, even if you’re far apart.
However, sometimes bad things h
appen. Illness and injury are a part of everyday life. The hands of a lover when one is injured or sick can be balm to the weary soul. We sometimes forget, though, the need to be there during the bad times. They are not as much fun to deal with, and don’t typically involve balloons or cake or jumping castles. But it is just as important to remember to be there for the bad times as it is for the good.
For example, you receive a phone call from your lover. They tell you that they failed to get the promotion they worked hard for at their place of employment. In addition, they seem to have come down with a cold. To top it all off, while hiking with Mary and Sarah last Sunday, your lover was attacked by a bear and lost both their legs. While it could be easy to pass this off because it does not involve balloons or cake, remember that this is one of those bad times that you still need to be there for.
Send a card that lets your lover know you’re thinking about them, keeping in mind that laughter is the best medicine. For example, you could write the following message:
Dearest beloved:
I “bear”—ly have a leg to stand on to show you how much I love you.
Love,
Your Lover
Gus wasn’t quite convinced anymore at the validity of this website. He was beginning to regret that very first day that he clicked on the link that told him how to be a normal person. The fact that this website had what seemed like thousands of scenarios all written by the same person made him wonder just how much time said person had on their hands.
That being said, Gus thought that bear-ly having a leg to stand on was quite possibly the greatest thing he’d ever read and while he didn’t want Casey to ever get attacked by a bear, he would be ready should the situation arise. He made a mental note to look up how to fight off a bear so that he could teach Casey later on.
If they were still together, of course.
That sobered him up quite a bit, knowing Casey might not be around to have Gus help him fight off bears or hear inappropriate amputee-humor. That didn’t make him feel very good because Gus wanted to be there for Casey to help him fight off bears and hear inappropriate amputee-humor.
Gus could do that, though. He could trust Casey. He could be there for him through the good and the bad. He could even consider traveling to LA to visit him, though the thought of driving across state lines and/or flying put a knot in his stomach. Sure, it would suck to not see him every day, to not be able to hug him when he wanted, but he could do this, right? He could—
But he hadn’t heard that from Casey, had he? He hadn’t even been told. He’d had to hear Casey was leaving from someone else, someone who had no real business in their relationship. Gus could be planning these ridiculous trips, these grandiose plans to help Casey shave beavers after he lost his legs to a bear attack, when Casey probably didn’t even want the same thing. Why else would Casey not bring up the fact that he was leaving? Why would he have kept it a secret?
Gus was not a stupid man. And for the longest time, Gus had been a cautious man, guarding what was left of his heart completely and fully, barely letting any light in for fear it was a trick and would only lead to more dark.
But in came Casey. Casey with his stupid hair and stupid tattoos and his stupid smile that made Gus squirm with everything he felt at the sight of it. Casey systematically tore down all the walls Gus had constructed around himself and he did it with a joint and a hug and Gus had fallen in deep.
Casey was leaving.
Maybe that meant Casey didn’t feel the same way.
Maybe that meant Gus had been nothing more than a summer fling.
That didn’t mesh with what Gus knew about Casey, but then Gus remembered he was abnormal.
And weird.
And strange.
And the bushes of disbelief began to grow.
HOW TO Break Up With Someone
Sometimes, a relationship will have run its course. Whether it’s because two people want different things or they no longer have the same feelings they once did, it is a fact of life that for every beginning, there is an ending. It might be your fault, or your lover’s fault, or it might be both or neither. The fact remains that a decision must be made that is in the best interest of both lovers, even if it hurts at first to consider.
However, before you read the sensitive, easy steps that are to follow, ask yourself one question.
What are you doing?
“What,” Gus said.
Seriously. What are you doing?
“Uhh,” Gus said.
Are you making the right decision? Is it because there is legitimately no way to save your relationship? Is it because you have explored every viable course and found no way to proceed? If the person cheated on you, leave them. If you no longer feel romantic attraction, end it. If your lover hurt you beyond repair, then by all means, take the next steps and move on. There are many valid reasons to end a relationship.
So. What are you doing?
The right thing?
Or are you being a butt-hurt, self-sacrificing asshole?
“Uhh,” Gus said.
Think about it. If you well and truly have a reason, then skip to the steps. Have at it and end your relationship. But if you’re still reading this, most likely it’s because you’re about to make a huge mistake. So things have gotten hard. So you have more questions than answers. Here’s a thought: why not try having a conversation like an adult before making a decision that potentially affects your entire life? This isn’t a romantic comedy filled with quirky friends and mischievous misadventures that don’t seem to happen to real people. There is no meet-cute, no zany sidekicks, and there doesn’t need to be a big misunderstanding before you get to your happily ever after. There doesn’t need to be unnecessary angst to drive you apart while you try and pull your head out of your ass. You are not Jennifer Lopez and you are not a maid in Manhattan (disregard if you are actually employed in cleaning services in New York). If only people talked as much as they overthought everything else, the world would be a much different place. Miscommunication is ridiculous and can be avoided if you just talk about it. Talk about your problems. Talk about your concerns. Don’t be a douche and end something because of assumptions made.
Before you break up with someone, remember this: love is a precious thing. The fact that you feel it must mean something, right? You have given your heart away. Maybe you should trust in the person you gave it to, to care for it as you care for theirs. If they’ve done nothing to betray that trust, well.
What are you doing?
Gus was convinced that Skynet was real.
The machines were becoming sentient.
Steve Jobs would rise and Gus would need to bookmark the page on how to take him down for future review. He would become the savior of mankind. He might even get a parade dedicated to him.
That sounded just awful.
And also?
Gustavo Tiberius loved Casey Richards.
He threw off the comforter.
He closed the laptop and placed it on the floor.
He stood.
He felt good (ish). He felt right (ish).
He could do this. (Probably.)
Harry S. Truman blinked up at him.
“I read inspirational messages on calendars,” Gus said.
Harry S. Truman yawned.
“I read encyclopedias and don’t have a cell phone with a stupidly large screen.”
Harry S. Truman stretched his paws out in front of him.
“I don’t take pictures of my food and post it online because what the hell is the point of that, oh my god.”
Harry S. Truman rose to his little feet.
“I own an outdated business and sometimes, I like to get stoned.”
Harry S. Truman licked himself.
“I fucking hate the Strawberry Festival and think beef jerky is an acceptable dessert.”
Harry S. Truman rolled onto his back.
“And I’m pretty sure I have a lot of awkward feelings for a stoner asexual h
ipster.”
Harry S. Truman squeaked.
Gustavo Tiberius said, “Come on, Harry S. Truman. We’re going to go openly communicate with Casey and make sure he knows I care! Like an adult.”
Gus felt good. He had this.
He had this.
Gus then tripped over Harry S. Truman and belly flopped onto the ground.
“Motherfucker,” Gus wheezed as the ferret with merit licked his face. “My spleen. Ow, my spleen.”
Ten minutes later, a sufficient amount of air had gotten back into Gus’s lungs and he was able to slowly lift himself off the ground.
“Okay,” he groaned. “Now we’ll go.”
He moved slowly toward the door.
He grimaced as he picked up Harry S. Truman and put him in his carrier.
He stood, ready to face his romantic destiny.
“Fuck yeah,” he said as he winced. “Let’s rock and roll.”
Chapter 20
IT WAS pouring down rain.
Seriously.
Fuck his life.
“Goddammit,” Gus muttered.
He reached back inside the house only to find he’d left the umbrella at the Emporium.
“Goddammit,” Gus grumbled.
It was cool. He could do this. It was just a mad dash across the street. Casey would probably be at Lottie’s Lattes and Gus would burst in and say something so awesome that Casey would stop whatever he was doing and they would hug for, like, seven minutes or something. And then they would live happily long-distance ever after and Gus might sometime consider visiting California but probably not really because he was not ridiculous and had never, ever considered making vegan banana-nut granola bars just for the hell of it.
