“We’re heading to Ms. Emma’s,” Anna instructs Dylan.
Dylan looks to me in the rearview mirror and I nod confirmation.
Anna follows me up to my apartment, bringing the two bags with us while Dylan waits for her to return.
“Please tell me you didn’t buy every single one in the store?” I inquire nervously.
“No,” Anna laughs. “I bought a few extra things to hide them in here so it wouldn’t look so obvious.” Anna takes out three different tests. “I wasn’t sure which one you preferred, then I figured it wouldn’t hurt to take all three.”
“What are you doing, Anna?” I ask as Anna adds the rest of the contents from the bag into my fridge and cupboard.
“I got you a few things . . . you know, just in case the test is positive,” she admits. “Tea. Ice cream. Tissues. Fruit. And, your favorite pastries.”
“You are too good to me, Anna,” I praise.
“Even if you weren’t with Mr. Joseph,” Anna states. “I would do whatever you need, Ms. Emma.” She rips off the lid to the ice cream and plops it in front of me with a large spoon. “Eat. I’ll make some lunch. If you are pregnant, that baby needs food.”
With sincere appreciation in my heart, I walk over to Anna and wrap my arms around her, sighing out some of my apprehension. “Thank you.”
Anna taps my back. “You’re welcome, Ms. Emma.”
I sit down on the far right bar stool and take a heaping scoop of the salted caramel goodness and stuff it into my mouth.
“Are you afraid to tell him?” Anna inquires.
“A little,” I admit after swallowing a large mouthful.
“Mr. Joseph is a good man,” she shares. “I think he’d be very happy. He loves you.”
A timid smile spreads across my face.
“The question is,” Anna says. “Do you believe that he does?” She doesn’t say anything else, letting me ponder while she fixes me more food. She places a salad and a large glass of water in front of me. “Eat.” The tone of Anna’s voice is a stern but loving one and I don’t question it.
Neither of us say anything as I eat the delicious meal. She putters in my kitchen, tidying up to keep herself busy, giving me time to relax and process everything. When I finish the glass of water, Anna sweetly pours another one. I sip it slowly as she takes my dirty dishes and washes them.
After about five minutes of silence, Anna asks, “Are you going to take the test?”
“Yeah,” I sigh.
She looks at me expectantly.
“I don’t need to pee yet,” I laugh.
“Drink,” she says, gesturing to the glass in front of me.
“Okay, bossy,” I tease, wanting to lessen the tension.
Anna smiles sweetly and then begins making tea.
“I have your favorite,” I inform.
“This is for you,” she mentions. “I’ll make some for myself once I’m done.”
Another five minutes pass by extremely slowly. The urge to pee has yet to arrive. I continue to sip on the tea and water sitting in front of me while I contemplate a variety of ways to tell Joe about — our situation.
Will he want it? Will he want me? Do I want it? Will this make him leave, or will this just complicate things and then we’re left with nothing but hating each other? Will he try to move in with me, or worse, try to get me to move in with him? Will he hate me and never talk to me again? Let’s face it, I’m technically carrying a bastard child. We’re not married. Would he want to marry me? Would I want to marry him? God, I sound like a lunatic. I can’t think about marriage right now, not while I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’m — pregnant. Fuck. The looks, the judgments I’ll get from the press when I can no longer hide my belly. Even worse, the looks and judgments of my family — their disapproval would hurt the most.
“Emma?” Anna calls.
“Yeah,” I return with my head snapping up.
“Are you okay?” she searches with kindness in her eyes.
“Mmm hmm,” I lie while drinking more water since I finished my tea.
Too anxious to put it off any longer, especially since I’ve had to pee for the last few minutes but have been ignoring it, I get up, grab the death-sentence boxes in one arm and take the freshly poured tea that Anna offers with my free hand.
“I’ll be right here,” Anna calls as I enter the bedroom.
“Thank you,” I shout in return.
Dumping the boxes on the counter, I line them up, trying to figure out which one I’m going to take first. The directions on each box are pretty self-explanatory, but there’s still apprehension about my ability to perform accurately. Thank God Anna bought more than one. After some pacing, I head back to the kitchen and grab a plastic cup to pee in. The fear that I might not be able to pee on each stick in enough time worries me.
For as bad as I need to pee, sitting over the toilet with the cup jammed between my legs does nothing to relax me. I reach up and turn on the sink, hoping the sound of flowing water will force it out. A few seconds later, it’s streaming out of me and is not stopping. I’m able to fill the cup halfway without getting any on me as I continue to nervously pee. Sadie looks at me funny as she sniffs the air.
“I know,” I say. “Mommy looks a little stupid right now.”
Fuck. What did I just say?
“Don’t look at me like that,” I remark to Sadie. “You don’t know how hard this is. Please, don’t judge me.”
I take a deep breath and double check the instructions for the first test. Then, I dip the one side into the cup and remove it, placing it on the counter. I repeat the same action for the other two and stare blankly at the three of them while I wait. Crap. How long is this supposed to take? Each box says a few minutes. God damn it. I don’t have a few minutes.
A gentle knock is heard on the door as I finish dumping out the remaining contents from the cup. “You okay in there, Ms. Emma?”
“Yeah,” I answer. “Just waiting for the damn results.”
Anna doesn’t say anything.
I rinse the cup out, tossing it in the trash and then sit on top of the toilet impatiently waiting. My palms become sweaty and my breathing becomes uneasy. I see a color mark on the closest test, but I can’t will my body to get up.
Come on, Emma. You can do this. Breathe. Just breathe.
“Ms. Emma?” Anna calls, rapping on the door.
“Yeah?”
“Do you need help?” she searches lovingly.
I hesitate to answer for a moment. “Yeah,” my voice shakes.
Anna steps in and offers a gentle smile. Her gaze bounces between me and the tests. “So?” she pokes.
“So,” I sigh. “I haven’t looked. I’m too scared.”
“Do you mind if I look for you?” she inspects.
“No,” I huff.
Anna delicately picks up the first box, looking like she’s thoroughly checking the instructions and then glances down to the sticks that are side by side. She lifts the second and third box, repeating the same actions as to make sure she’s not misreading the test. Once she’s done, she turns and just looks at me with her hands clasped in front of her.
“So?” I check.
“So,” Anna starts with a large breath. “I think you should look.”
“Why?” I ask nervously.
“I just think you should see for yourself,” she states calmly without a hint in her voice or facial expression to give me any indication.
“Tell me,” I request.
Anna shakes her head.
“What? What do they say?” I press.
Anna remains silent.
My body jolts off the toilet seat and my eyes focus on each of the tests. All of the information I read earlier gets jumbled in my head and I can’t remember which mark means what. I frantically inspect each box and then look at the appropriate test that correlates several times. A giggle erupts and I can’t stop as tears start to flow from my eyes. Sadness and joy fill my
heart, forcing my body to slump down onto the floor. Anna lowers herself, wrapping her arms around me as she rocks my body, shushing me as her hand strokes my hair.
One Hundred Twenty Eight
As I attempt to lift my heavy eyelids, I discover a hazy darkness surrounding me. Blinking slowly several times, my half-opened eyes won’t focus to give me any clear indication of what’s around me and where the blurry, flashing lights above are coming from. My body feels heavy. Still unable to open my eyes all the way, I perceive that I’m laying down somewhere. A cool dampness near my left cheek reveals itself as a slight gust of air brushes past my face. Sliding my right arm up the side of my body like a snake, my fingers creep to my lips. Drool — or, at least I hope so.
Two large and oddly shaped figures materialize in front of me. They are so close, only a foot or two away. Voices suddenly emanate from the now more defined silhouettes. Their speech sounds muffled and trails off into the distance even as I try to concentrate on their words. Who are they? What are they saying? Why can’t I understand them? One of the voices almost sounds feminine.
Another indistinguishable sound gradually becomes more apparent as it grows louder and the ringing in my ears subsides. It’s the engine of a car. My brain finally starts to put the fuzzy pieces of evidence together. I must have fallen asleep in the back seat. A familiar smell creeps into my nose that reassures me — my mother’s perfume.
“Mom?” my throat squeezes out in a raw, breathy, hoarse tone.
“We’re almost home, dear,” her voice replies in a low, sluggish tone.
I internally smile at her comforting words, though her voice sounds peculiar.
A sudden rush of nervousness enters my belly. The car feels as if it’s flying down the road like a rocket ship as the speed of the flashing lights zooming above my head all blur into one.
“Mom,” I try to shout, but not a single sound escapes my mouth this time. Confused, I try again. “Mom!”
She doesn’t hear me. I don’t hear me.
A single, bright white light races towards us, growing larger by the second. My mother turns her head towards me smiling. Why doesn’t she hear me? How does she not see the light?
Again, with all my might. “Mom . . . !” my voice trails in my head like a deafening siren, stabbing my ears like a knife.
Time stops in this very moment. I can see everything with perfect clarity as I stare in horror into my mother’s eyes — no Joe’s eyes, surrounded by the face of a baby. My mouth is left open, still screaming without a sound. A baby’s giggle reverberates through my ears and bones with an eerie tone that makes the hairs on my body stand on end.
“Mama,” the infant says, reaching its arms toward me.
My body is abruptly yanked away, as I desperately shuffle across a cold, damp, concrete floor needing to reach it — him? — her? My eyes dart around and I suddenly finding myself strapped down on a gurney. The leather restraints constrict my arms and legs as a baby’s scream pierces my ears.
“Joe?” I call out, seeing a figure down a long, narrow hallway as I look over my protruding belly.
He turns his back to me, holding something in his arms that is covered with a blanket, heading in the opposite direction from me as the light beyond him grows brighter.
“No!” I shout. “Joe. Please. Don’t leave me. Please. Don’t take him. Don’t leave me all alone.”
“Emma!” a voice calls violently.
Jerking awake, I shout out in despair. The pounding of my heart and heaving of my lungs is only matched by the shaking that racks my body.
“No,” I sob into my hands as I rock back and forth. “No.”
“Emma, beautiful,” a voice calls as large, warm arms wrap around me.
My hands grip into his biceps.
“It’s okay, Emma,” he soothes. “It was just a dream.”
My head shakes and I continue to wallow from fear of the nightmare coming true — fear of losing him — them. After some time, Joe’s body relaxes a little and he brushes his fingers through my hair.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks gently.
“No,” I snap.
“Okay,” he answers lovingly. “Okay. We don’t have to.”
“How did you know I was here?” I ask nervously.
“When Anna came back, she told me you were a little tired and decide to take a nap,” he shares.
“Yeah,” I confirm with a sigh.
“Is Kim doing any further tests to rule out other possibilities?” he asks full of concern.
“Yeah. Just waiting on the results,” I lie.
“Okay,” he replies, kissing me. “It’s been a while?”
“Blood work can take a few weeks,” I remind.
“No,” he chuckles. “I mean since the last . . . dream.”
“Oh. Yeah,” I agree.
“How about I make some tea and you try some of the tapping techniques?” Joe explores.
“Yeah,” I huff. “That would be great.” I move to get up with him.
“No,” Joe corrects. “Stay. I’ll get them.”
“You sure?” I inspect.
“Yes. I’m sure,” he chuckles, kissing me on the side of my head. “Relax and I’ll be right back.”
My head throbs from all the tears I’ve shed today, and for as much liquid as I’ve drunk, my throat feels dry and hoarse. I curl into Sadie who has finally calmed from the incident, petting her to soothe both of us.
Joe returns with the stuff Dr. Callahan gave me and then leaves to make tea. Right as I’m finishing the final few tapping movements, Joe enters the bedroom with two cups of tea. We lay quietly sipping our drinks and just enjoy being together with Sadie without any other distractions. At some point, he suggests a bath and I happily agree. For as much as I want to avoid him, to avoid bringing up the fact that I’m pregnant, I’m glad he’s here.
My mind drifts as we snuggle in the tub which eventually turns into a small massage. Joe rubs my neck, shoulders and arms while I trail my fingers up and down his legs. My bathtub is comfortable, but not near as comfortable and spacious as Joe’s. I debate with the idea of telling him now and the raw ache in the pit of my stomach screams to wait until I’m feeling better. I panic momentarily at the thought of him seeing the pregnancy tests, but I remember that Anna took the trash out with her when she left. The tests themselves are in a plastic bag that is inside my memory box for safe keeping. I know Joe won’t go in there — not at least in the next two days before we leave for our trip.
“Emma?” Joe coos sweetly.
“Hmm,” I answer.
“Why did you call out my name?” he says.
“What do you mean?” I ask confused.
“While you were dreaming, you called out my name,” he explains.
My body stiffens and my heart rate accelerates. “I . . . I don’t remember,” I lie.
“Was I in the car with you?” he searches.
“Why?” I reply nervously.
“Because, you said my name and then said Don’t leave me. Please, don’t take him. Don’t leave me all alone,” he repeats.
“Maybe,” I fib, not wanting to talk about it.
Joe’s hands caress my arms tenderly. “Did I die in your dream?”
“I . . . I don’t remember,” I lie again.
“I’m not going anywhere, beautiful,” he encourages. “I love you and I plan on sticking around for a long while.” Joe tilts my head for me to look at him over my shoulder. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I accept.
His lips take mine with firm desperation.
My body eases a little, knowing that I need to tell him, feeling more confident that I can tell him — but, how?
One Hundred Twenty Nine
The time to leave for our long weekend vacation is here and I have yet to tell Joe about the baby. I’m fairly certain he won’t be mad at me with how our relationship is and what Anna said. I’m really grateful that she’s allowing me to tell him on my own terms.
I know I need to tell him, but when? How? Every time I think I can muster the courage to tell him, I don’t.
Keeping our trip close to home with Maggie being almost six months pregnant, and with Easter next weekend, the eight of us head up to Big Bear and Lake Arrowhead in the San Bernardino mountains since we haven’t taken Henry and Joe up there yet.
The days in the high elevation are supposed to be fairly warm, being in the sixties while the nights are much cooler — about thirty degrees cooler. It’s the perfect lake cabin weather for a relaxing, low-key weekend. The house we rented has a heated, indoor pool, ten bedrooms, twelve bathrooms, a workout room, a grand living area with a piano and a whole wall of books just off a huge, main kitchen all while having floor to ceiling windows in many of the rooms facing the lake.
We’ve also rented the house to the left of us for our bodyguards and other staff members. Anna and several of Maggie’s maids take our bags to our rooms after we pick which ones we want and then make their way down to the kitchen to start unpacking the food that we brought. Our bodyguards sweep the interior and exterior of the house while my friends and I decide on what to do.
We make our way out to have lunch at one of the restaurants and while we’re there, then decide to go horseback riding. Most of us have never been and Maggie is excited to try before she gets too big. Henry’s a little nervous about it, but calms only a little when Maggie show’s him a text from Kim that she’s safe to partake.
Joe, Henry, Jimmy, Allen and Maggie are naturals on the horses. Nathan, Jared and I are okay at best. Jared’s horse decides to go for a little gallop when we hit an open patch, but our guide is quick to rein Jared and his horse in pretty quickly. Nathan and I can’t help but tease Jared, especially since he has the look of death on his face each time his horse picks up a little speed. Jared threatens to trade horses, but I know he’s too scared to get down off of the animal. When our ride is over, the instructor gives us a tour of their farm and lets us help feed some of the animals. Maggie’s in full mother mode, wanting to feed every animal — and I mean every animal. It’s funny to watch. The guys don’t really seem to care too much — the prissy boys they are. I’m happy to help Maggie. The horses are like big Sadies to me and it’s easier to be around them when not on top of them; feeling like you’re going to fall off.
Just Breathe Series (Trilogy Box Set) Page 118
