by M. J. Scott
Of course, once I realized that, I felt content and confused but content just the same.
The need. I suddenly remembered exactly why I’d thrown myself at Simon. Had it worked? I stilled on the bed, trying to listen to my body, to sort out the sensations running through it into familiar and unfamiliar. I couldn’t feel the need calling me. There was a distinct urge to find out where Simon was and coax him back into bed, but it was distinctly different from the howling, nothing-else-matters drone of the need through my blood.
Had Atherton been right after all? Could I sate the need with other pleasures?
And if I could, could I be free of Lucius once and for all? Regardless of cures? Regardless of whether I did what I had promised Simon?
Freedom.
I hugged my knees, curling into a ball. There was no use letting myself run ahead of things. Only time would tell if Atherton had truly found a way for me to be free.
Until then, I couldn’t afford a premature celebration. Couldn’t afford to relax and let myself believe it might be true. But despite my caution, I wanted to talk to Atherton, see if he might be able to tell if it had worked.
Talk to him alone, without Simon.
I didn’t know how I was going to arrange another meeting. Simon had asked me not to go back there without him knowing. I wanted to try, at least, to keep that promise to him. So I would have to come up with a reason for him to want me to be there.
I threw back the covers and pulled on my clothes. Before I did anything, I wanted to bathe. Back in the warrens, I had a private bathroom and retreating to a hot bath was one of the few sanctuaries I’d had.
The Brothers should be well about their days and I didn’t think I needed to worry about running into any of them in the bathroom. So I tied my hair back, then picked up the soap and towel provided and opened the door, intent on scrubbing myself clean of all the scents of last night so I could start afresh.
Liam sat in the corridor opposite my door, reading a leather-bound book. He looked up at me, his green eyes assessing.
“Can I help you?” he asked. His voice was deep and smooth.
“I was going to, um, wash.” I held up the soap and towel. “The bathroom is that way, correct?”
He nodded and rose to his feet gracefully, closing the book with care. He was slimmer than either Guy or Simon, not yet fully grown, despite the voice, if I was any judge of human males. But I’d seen him in armor and chain mail wielding a sword as large as Guy’s yesterday, so he was no weakling. Today he wore a short-sleeved gray tunic over gray trousers, leaving his brown arms bare to the elements.
Unlike Guy’s, I noted, his hands bore no crosses. As far as I knew, that meant he hadn’t yet taken final vows.
Simon would know for sure. Lucius had seen to it I was educated in weapons and fighting and the basics of reading and writing and human culture, but I’d never been taught the finer points of exactly what the Templars believed and how they ran their organization. The rest of the Night World provided little information beyond than making them out to be hell-bent on killing Blood and Beast Kind in the name of their God.
Big bad monsters.
Guy fulfilled the big and bad criteria well enough and Liam did too. But I could hardly see them as monsters. Warriors, yes, but so far they seemed perfectly well controlled and lucid and not prone to hasty decisions or fanaticism.
Of course, my experience was hardly extensive. The Order could be discussing my imminent demise right this very moment.
“Do you know where Simon is?” I asked as we walked. Liam was obviously not inclined to let me move around the Brother House alone. I presumed he was acting under orders. In truth, having an escort was comforting. It would prevent any misunderstanding if I came across other Templars. The thought made me relax a little. As did the one chasing its heels, that here in the Brother House, there would be no Fae to look down their pale noses at me either—though it was possible of course that the Templars might hold the same dim view of my kind.
“Master Healer DuCaine was with his brother at breakfast,” Liam said politely. “I haven’t seen him since.”
Hardly helpful. “And was it Healer DuCaine or his brother who set you to watch over me?” I asked.
“That was an order from the Abbott General, my—” He broke off. I wondered whether he’d been about to tell me something he shouldn’t or whether, more likely, he had no idea what to call me.
I was hardly a lady, after all. No, to the Templars I was likely to be considered devil hell spawn.
Though so far, Liam had been nothing but courteous. “My name is Lily,” I offered.
Liam nodded. “I know.”
We walked on. The stone walls were broken here and there by the same narrow barred windows as my room. Shafts of sunlight fell through them. As we passed through one, Liam turned his face to the light, a faint smile curving his lips. The movement reminded me of Simon. I’d been wrong about Liam. He wasn’t a metalmage.
“You’re a sunmage,” I blurted.
Liam’s focus snapped back to me, eyes narrowed.
“Don’t deny it. Simon already said it was you who was responsible for the fires yesterday.”
His expression didn’t ease. “He told you that?”
“Yes. You are, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” He didn’t sound entirely happy that I knew.
I’d solved one mystery but there was another. I knew that the Templars had counted sunmages amongst their ranks from time to time, but most sunmages chose, like Simon, to become healers. “Yet you joined the Templars? Why?”
“I wanted to make a difference,” he said, his voice dipping lower than before.
Indeed. It seemed my fate to be surrounded by men who believed in doing the right thing. Hells.
“You’d rather fight than heal? Doesn’t that make you kind of the odd man out amongst your kind?” Being different was something I could relate to.
“Others have taken this path before,” he said. “And some of us walk more than one path before finding the right one,” he added.
It seemed a strange comment. “You mean you can change your mind? Drop your sword and pick up bandages and herbs?”
Liam shrugged. “Some do. Rarely.” He nodded at a door in the wall. “We’re here.”
Damn. Just when he’d caught my curiosity. But I doubted he’d tell me much more. “Thank you. Do you have to accompany me inside?” I asked with an arch of my brow.
He shook his head rapidly, accompanied by, I thought, the slightly flaring of red in his cheeks. Hard to judge on skin as dark as his.
“No. I’ll wait outside.” He turned his back to the door as though to underscore his point. Definitely young.
“Good.” I put my hand on the door and then couldn’t resist adding, “It’s safe enough. I can’t disappear in daylight, you know.”
His shoulders twitched but he didn’t turn back.
I wondered if he thought I would try to seduce him or something equally shocking or if he was just embarrassed.
I hid a smile as I walked into the bathroom. I wasn’t interested in corrupting baby knights. No, if there was anyone in the building that I wanted to entice into sin, it was Simon.
If I could find him.
“I guess I don’t need to ask how you spent the night,” Guy said to me as we walked away from the dining hall.
I glanced around. We were alone in one of the Brother House’s endless stone corridors. No one to hear. I bit back irritation. I wanted to climb to the roof and sit in the sun to try to make sense of the turmoil in my head, not have a not so cozy chat with my brother. But it would be easier in the long run to let Guy say his piece. “You’ve been waiting all morning to say that, haven’t you?”
“Didn’t think you’d appreciate me announcing it to the whole order.”
“Announcing what exactly?” I folded my arms and stared him down.
Guy didn’t flinch. “Don’t bother denying it, little brother. I know well enough
how you look after you’ve spent the night in some girl’s bed.” Sun poured from one of the windows, highlighting the grim expression on his face.
I set my teeth, trying not to rise to the bait. “She’s not just some girl.”
“No, she’s a wraith,” Guy said pointedly. “Lucius’ assassin.”
“She doesn’t belong to him.”
“She doesn’t belong to you either. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I trust her.” Not entirely true. I wanted to trust her. I wanted to believe that what I’d felt in her bed, what I’d seen in her eyes when I’d been inside her, was real, but gods and suns, she’d already vanished from me once. And uncovered my most guarded secret in the process. On the other hand, she’d agreed to help us. “You’re the one who always told me to go with my instincts.”
“As long as you’re using your gut and not something farther south.”
“I’m perfectly capable of controlling myself,” I said sharply. Another half-truth. I was perfectly capable of controlling myself as long as Lily didn’t crook her finger and ask me to take her to bed again. I frowned, rubbing my temples. Sunlight. I needed sunlight. Once my power was fed, my common sense would return.
“You spent the night having sex in the Brother House,” Guy said. “Your definition of control is something different from mine.”
“Are you done?” I set off again, not wanting to continue the conversation. Guy caught up to me in three or four steps. His hand closed on my shoulder, pulling me to a halt.
“Just don’t lose your head. Because right now I can’t promise you anything about Lily keeping hers.”
I shook off his grip as ice speared through my stomach. My hand tightening involuntarily around the hilt of the sword he had lent me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, not everyone is as reasonable as me when it comes to your girl’s past.”
For a moment rage tore through me, red and fierce. Lily roused something in me I didn’t want to see let loose. “Anyone who wants to get to her will have to come through me first,” I growled. “I thought we were meeting with Father Cho later.”
“We are. But I can’t guarantee he’s going to go along with your plan.”
I stepped closer, anger biting jagged chunks out of my resolve to stay calm. “You tell Father Cho that Lily is under my protection.”
Guy held out a hand, palm upward. “Easy. He’s going to talk to you. To us. Don’t do anything stupid.”
I tried to relax, but it was hard when all I wanted to do was go find Lily and take her to somewhere safer. But there was nowhere safer. Which didn’t make reining my unexpected temper back any easier. “I won’t,” I said in the end. “Thank you,” I added grudgingly
Guy grinned, then clapped me on the shoulder. “Go soak up some sunbeams, little brother. And have some faith. Everything is going to work out as it should.”
I watched him walk away, heading toward the Abbott General’s office, where he’d do his best to convince Father Cho that Lily should be protected because he’d given his word and he trusted my instincts. Because he loved me. Because he believed me.
Even though I hadn’t told him the whole truth. In fact, I’d been lying to him for several years. My gut tightened. Somehow, I didn’t think sunshine was going to be enough to wash me clean this time.
When I finally reached the eyrie where Simon had hidden himself, I was a little out of breath.
I didn’t know how many stairs I’d climbed, but my protesting muscles suggested it had been a few too many. With every step upward my nerves grew and there was currently a stampeding herd of something far larger than butterflies churning my stomach to acid. What if he didn’t want to see me?
Simon sat, cross-legged, face turned to the sun, eyes closed. It should have been a relaxed posture, but something about the tight square of his shoulders and the set of his head told me he was anything but relaxed.
“Am I interrupting?” I lowered myself onto one of the slates besides him.
He opened one eye, squinting against the sun, and waved a hand vaguely. “Sunshine.” His eye closed again.
“I understand that part,” I said, resisting the urge to poke him so he’d look at me. “Are you all right?”
“Yes.” He sounded calm but I wasn’t convinced. I sighed, unsure what to try next.
Simon opened his eyes and turned so he wasn’t looking into the sun. “More important, how are you?”
“I’m quite well. Should I be otherwise?”
“It’s normal to feel some . . . effects after the first time.” He cleared his throat, his expression . . . diplomatic.
Apparently, sex came with many complications. Not least of which were the awkward conversations afterward. “Nothing to signify.”
“Good.” His face eased toward a smile.
“And you? Any . . .” I trailed off, not sure what I was even asking.
He blinked. “I wasn’t a virgin. And I’m not female.”
“I didn’t mean physically.”
“Ah.” He took a deep breath, turned his face back to the sun.
Nothing more seemed to be forthcoming. The notbutterflies returned and a chill shivered through me. I clasped my arms around my knees and looked out at the view, giving him time. From our vantage point half the City seemed laid out at our feet like a toy village.
I oriented myself automatically, picking out landmarks I recognized. The blazing white dome of St. Giles only a few hundred feet away to the left of us and the tall black spire of the cathedral to our right. Working my way from those, I found the building I thought held Guy’s home. Simon’s house in Greenglass was farther southeast, the borough an indistinguishable mess of trees and houses from where we sat. In the other direction, toward the edges of the Night World, the buildings became more jumbled together, crooked rows and alleys of squat town houses, tenements, and shops broken by the odd slightly higher building of a theater hall or storehouse.
I turned my back on that part of the view, focusing instead on the neatly ordered rows of the human boroughs.
All those people. Living neat safe lives every day. Going about their business with nothing more to worry about than what to wear or what to have for their next meal.
An oversimplification of course, but I wanted to believe it.
How would it feel to live your life in the light, free and clear?
I hugged my knees more tightly. For me, such a life, lived in the daylight, would mean giving up most of my powers. Giving up the very thing I’d relied on for safety all my life.
Of course, if I had such a life, I wouldn’t need to concern myself overly much with safety.
It was too hard a concept to grasp all at once. So I just kept staring down at the autocabs and carriages and carts moving through the streets and the humans moving casually amongst them.
In the far distance, toward the hills of Summerdale, a train spouted a plume of steam into the sky. That far out, the railway left the safety of the underground and traveled beneath the open sky.
Could I do the same?
“Stop thinking so hard,” Simon muttered from beside me. “Lie back and enjoy the sunshine.”
I straightened, stomach fluttering once more. He’d broken the silence at last. But changed the subject. Well, I could live with that for now.
“Don’t you have anything you should be doing?” I asked curiously.
“Yes. This.”
“Have you told them yet that I agreed to do as you wanted?”
He frowned at me for a moment, then sighed softly. He snaked out a hand and tugged at my arm. “Come, lie down with me, Lily.” He shifted position, so he was nearer to the shade thrown by the nearest dome, where the door to the stairs stood open. “See, lie here and you won’t get burned.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Just come here and be still for a while.”
I hesitated. The closer I got to him, the more I wanted to know what was going to happen to
me next, to ease the butterflies. But for now, it seemed, the wants of my body were going to overrule my need to find out what he was thinking.
Maybe he just wanted to be with me. Even if what lay between us was horribly complicated and there was a good chance Lucius would be hunting both of us soon, it was very tempting to pretend that there was nothing at all that should concern either of us for a small moment of time. I lay down, let him draw me into his arms.
Warm and safe. I moved a little closer.
“Now, that’s just asking for trouble.” He chuckled, half under his breath.
“What is?”
He pressed his hips into me.
“Oh. That.” One mystery solved, at least. He still wanted me.
“Yes, that. Which we can’t do anything about in broad daylight on the rooftop of the Brother House.”
“Guy would disapprove?” I quipped.
“Not just Guy,” he said, letting go of me abruptly. He sat up.
I did the same. So much for small moments of time. “If you’re worried about the Fae, there’s little point. They’re unlikely to change their mind about me, Simon. You need to come to terms with that.”
I looked up at him, sunlight turning his hair gold. His expression was distant, blue eyes staring out over the City. “Truly, Simon, you’re not going to change their minds.”
“I was thinking of the Templars.”
Hells. I hadn’t considered the knights. “Do you care what they think?”
“When they’re currently standing between us and Lucius, I do.”
“Oh.” I sat up, suddenly chilled, despite the warmth of the sun.
“No, I didn’t mean . . .” He stopped, scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Suns, I don’t know what I mean. This isn’t what I expected.”
“Expected from what? Last night? Or life in general? Did you think you’d just bed me and move on?”
“No. I—” He smoothed his hair down but couldn’t quite smooth the look of frustration from his face. “What did you expect?”
I stared at him, imagining my expression pretty much mirrored the frustration on his. “I didn’t expect any of this. Five days ago my life was perfectly simple. And then you happened.”
