by Sarah Webb
Then, because I really don’t trust myself to go near Ed without saying something, I join Jamie who is waiting for me at the top of the stairs.
‘Everything all right?’ he asks me as we descend.
‘Nothing’s all right,’ I snap back. ‘And I can’t believe you were stalking me.’
He holds open a door at the bottom of the stairs for me to walk through.
‘I was worried about you,’ as we pass through a small empty function room towards the exit.
‘I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself thanks very much.’ My feet are starting to yang in my heels, so I stop and pull them off.
He’s outside now, marching past some dinghies towards the tall perimeter railing.
‘I thought you said it was easy to climb,’ I shout at his back. ‘I’m a midget, remember?’
He stops beside the railings and waits for me. ‘There’s a gate, OK. Maybe if we wait someone will open it for us.’
‘I’m not standing around, Jamie. You’ll have to lift me.’
‘Fine.’ He clasps his hands together to make a foothold and crouches down a little. ‘Go on then.’
I put my foot in his hand, but luckily a rather startled-looking woman comes through the gate and holds it open for us.
‘Wait here,’ Jamie says when we’re safely outside. ‘I’ll get the car.’
‘Car? You don’t own a car.’
‘It’s Mum’s. And stop being so snappy. It doesn’t suit you.’
Minutes later he reappears with Daphne’s Fiesta and stretches over to open the passenger door. I climb in, slam the door behind me, cross my arms and stare out of the windscreen, my lips clamped together, my jaw set.
He drives towards Dun Laoghaire main street, then swings a left onto the coast road. Before we get to Dalkey, he slows down and then parks up in front of the sea.
‘Why have we stopped?’ I ask. ‘I’m tired, Jamie, I want to go home. I have nothing to say to you right now.’
‘I know you’re annoyed with me for bugging you, but—’
‘Where is it?’ I say, peering down the bodice. ‘Take it off right now.’
He reaches down and plucks a small circle the size of a watch battery off my belt. It has four tiny claws and, as it’s also silver, it’s no wonder I didn’t spot it.
‘You said it was on my dress,’ I say. ‘And please tell me you didn’t sneak into my bedroom to put it there.’
He smiles. ‘I lied. Wanted to keep it in place in case you removed it and then ran off or something stupid. And no, I didn’t break into your bedroom.’
I scowl at him. ‘You’d better explain how it got there, Jamie Clear. Or I’ll do something bad to you.’ Right this second, I don’t have the energy to come up with a better threat.
‘It was when you were having dinner with Arietty and Pandora. The belt was in the office.’
My eyes narrow. ‘How did you know that?’
‘I may have had a little help.’
‘Pandora! I’ll kill her too. No wonder she insisted I wore the belt today. Was this whole bugging thing her idea?’
‘No, mine. I was just trying to watch your back, Jules. The way you’ve been drinking lately, I was worried about you, OK? I didn’t want you to hurt yourself or get into any trouble.’
‘You have some bloody nerve. I had everything under control. I didn’t need you interfering. Who do you think you are? James Bond?’
‘I don’t really care what you think, Jules. I was trying to keep you safe. And it did catch Noel out, remember? So it paid off. And if you can’t see that, you’re blind and stupid.’
‘Would you stop calling me stupid,’ I demand.
‘When you stop acting like a complete idiot I’ll consider it.’
‘I don’t act like an idiot.’
‘Jules, you got drunk and fell out of a tree last week. And you managed to pick the most useless boyfriend in the world. From what that scumbag Noel said, Ed is even more of a slimeball than I always thought possible.’
‘I know, Ed’s a prick.’
‘Sorry?’
‘You heard me, he’s a prick. With no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I have no idea what I ever saw in him. In fact, even thinking about him makes my skin crawl.’
Jamie sits back in his seat and runs his hands through his hair. ‘Finally she sees sense. Jesus, Jules, how long has it taken you? Six years?’
‘Something like that. And no, I don’t want to talk about it, thank you very much. Or my drinking, OK? It’s none of your business.’ I turn to face him. ‘But one thing I don’t understand, Jamie. The bugging and everything – why? Why do you care about me so much? After everything I’ve done.’
He stares down at the bug and plays with it in his fingers.
‘You know why, Jules. You’ve always known deep down.’
‘What are you talking about?’
He lifts his head and stares out at the sea. ‘I love you. I always have, ever since we were kids.’
‘Don’t be daft, Jamie, we’re friends. It’s never been a love thing, you know that. We used to talk about it, remember? I said kissing you would be like kissing my own brother.’
He looks at me, his eyes intense. ‘I was just playing along. I didn’t want to scare you off. But I’ve always been in love with you. I still am.’
‘Now you’re being stupid. It wouldn’t work. You need fireworks, Jamie, passion, drama, excitement. With us it isn’t like that. It’s too safe, too easy.’
‘It is fireworks for me.’
‘But I don’t think of you that way.’
His face drops so I quickly add, ‘I love you as a friend, Jamie. A dear, dear friend, but that’s all.’
‘Can’t you give it a chance? Maybe the sparks will come in time. How will you know if you don’t give it a try?’
I shrug. ‘I just know.’ I shake my head. ‘It wouldn’t work, I’m sorry. You’re too kind.’
He snorts. ‘And kind is a bad thing? Jules, most couples don’t practically kill each other on a daily basis. What you had with Ed wasn’t normal. Look at your mum and dad. They adored each other, were devoted to each other. And they started out as best friends, you told me that.’
‘That was different.’
‘Why?’
‘They were one in a million. And please stop talking about Mum and Dad, OK?’
But he continues on regardless. ‘Jules, I remember your mum, she was amazing. And I know she’d want you to be with someone who adores you, who wants to take care of you, the way your dad always took care of her.’
Now he’s stepped over the line. ‘Mum didn’t need anyone looking after her! She was strong and clever and smart—’
‘And she once put water in the car instead of oil, and ruined the engine,’ he says gently. ‘And she was forever losing her keys and locking herself out of the house. Yes, she was smart, but your dad was the practical one.’
I sigh. He’s right. Mum was incredible in so many ways, but practical she was not.
He continues, ‘She’d want you to be happy. And she’d want you to find someone who loves you unconditionally, who thinks you’re the best thing on the planet.’ He pauses for a moment. ‘And by the way, you look stunning in that dress. It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.’
I bite my lip. Never once in all the time we were together did Ed Powers notice what I was wearing, let alone comment on it. And then I start crying again. Is Jamie right, do we have a chance? I’ve treated him so badly, not just now but over the years. Yes, I always had an inkling that he had feelings for me, but I blocked it out, refused to acknowledge it. But even now he doesn’t know everything.
‘I kissed Ed,’ I say in a rush. ‘That first night in the tree house, the time before the accident. I know it was stupid but he kissed me and I kissed him back.’
Jamie says nothing, just stares at me. Tears roll down my cheeks and I don’t bother wiping them away.
‘I drank too much vodka and I just wanted
to remember the good bits,’ I add. ‘It was a stupid thing to do and I’m a horrible, horrible person.’
‘Your fall,’ he asks softly. ‘Were you with him then? I never got the full story.’
‘Yes. He wanted to talk to me but I’d had enough of him. I was trying to climb down the ladder to get away from him and I lost my footing and fell. He woke Pandora, told her what had happened and then left.’
Jamie looks appalled. ‘Hang on, let me get this straight, you were lying unconscious on the ground and he left you?’
I nod and twist my hands together in my lap.
‘And you still went to his wedding? Jules, why did you do that to yourself?’
‘Because I’m all over the place. I’m such a mess I have to see a shrink now, every week.’
‘You’re trying to sort yourself out, Jules, that’s great. Look, it’s perfectly normal. I was seeing someone for a while too.’
‘A shrink? Why?’
He gives a small smile. ‘A counsellor. Stop calling them shrinks, Jules.’
‘You didn’t answer my question.’
‘I was trying to tell you weeks ago. Lynda, my girlfriend in Galway, well she got pregnant. I wanted her to keep it, begged her to, said I’d marry her, but she had an abortion, in London, wouldn’t let me go with her, took her sister instead. It was all pretty harrowing. She shut me out after that, refused to communicate, and to cut a long story short, we broke up.
‘A few months later, she was with someone else. I met her in a pub in Salthill, wrapped around this tall blond guy. Anyway, she told me she was sorry about the abortion and everything, but it was all for the best, we weren’t meant to be together. I’m still finding it hard to come to terms with it to be honest; it was my baby too. I only got together with her in the first place because she had long curly hair and she reminded me of you.’ He smiles sadly. ‘Silly I know.’
I take his hand and hold it tight. His skin feels cool against mine. ‘I don’t know what to say, Jamie. I’m so sorry.’
We sit in silence for a while, staring out at the sea.
‘Life’s pretty shit sometimes, isn’t it?’ I say eventually. I put my head on his shoulder.
‘Yep,’ he says softly. He puts his arm around me. I think about shrugging it off, but I don’t. Sitting there, beside Jamie, I feel safe.
Eventually I break the silence. ‘I told the counsellor, about killing mum.’
Jamie sighs. ‘You didn’t kill your mum, Jules.’
‘That’s what she said. And I have to talk to my family about the whole birthday thing. But they’ll hate me.’
‘No they won’t, it wasn’t your fault.’
‘But I tired her out, she might have lived a little longer if I wasn’t such a blabbermouth.’
‘She loved you, Jules. With all her heart. And she died knowing you loved her back. You have to stop blaming yourself. It’s gone on far too long.’
I sigh. I know he’s right, but I’ve been blaming myself for so many years it’s part of who I am. But maybe old habits can be broken.
‘Can we stop talking, Jamie?’ I say. ‘Can we just stay here for a while? Please?’
He nods. ‘Sure, whatever you need, Jules.’
I drop my head onto his chest and as he strokes my hair, I cry my heart out.
After a while the tears dry up and I mop my face with tissues from Daphne’s glove compartment.
‘Feeling better?’ Jamie asks gently.
I nod and give him a half-hearted smile. My eyes sweep his face and then rest on his lips. I’ve never noticed before but they’re surprisingly firm and I begin to wonder what it might be like to kiss them. I let the thought linger for a second. I’ve known Jamie all my life, for years we were practically joined at the hip. He also knows all my many faults and yet he still loves me. Would loving him back really be all that difficult? Could I really spend my life with someone like Jamie? With Ed it was so simple, just spotting him across a crowded room made my heart beat faster and my body squirm with longing. But look where that got me. It’s all so confusing.
Jamie brushes some loose strands of hair back off my face and my skin tingles underneath his touch. Involuntarily I move my cheek towards his hand.
‘Jules?’ He looks at me in confusion.
‘Do that again,’ I say softly.
‘What, this?’ He strokes my cheek gently and again my skin fizzes. This time my breath quickens a little and I swallow, unprepared for the warm feeling that is sweeping through my body.
I look him in the eye. His pupils are dilated and he’s breathing quickly. Before I have a chance to analyse what’s happening, my lips are moving towards his and we’re kissing, softly at first, but within seconds it’s strong and passionate and I don’t want it to stop. But I have an overwhelming urge to be closer to him, to feel his body pressed against mine, to roam my hands over his bare skin.
I break away for a second.
‘Move your seat back,’ I say urgently.
He looks concerned. ‘Jules, you don’t have to do this. I know you don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you. It’s OK, you don’t have to pretend.’
I start to giggle, which turns into full on bubbling laughter. ‘Jamie Clear, as strange as it may sound, I think I may fancy the ass off you. Now move the bloody seat so I can ravish you properly, and then shut up and kiss me.’
Chapter 26
The following morning at eleven my mobile rings, waking me up. I open my eyes and reach for it.
‘Hello?’
‘Sorry, Jules, did I wake you? I know it’s early.’ It’s Danny. For a second I’m completely flummoxed. He’s never rung me before. Clara must have given him my number.
‘No, no, it’s fine. Just give me one second.’ I sit up. I expect to feel horrible, but I feel remarkably OK, considering. And I don’t remember waking up once during the night, which is a novelty. In fact I feel quite refreshed, borderline chipper. My lips feel a little swollen, but that’s not surprising. I touch my finger to them and smile to myself. Jamie. Last night he was concerned that I’d wake up and think I’d made a terrible mistake, but he was wrong.
‘Is anything wrong?’ I ask. ‘Is it Clara?’
‘No, no, she’s fine. Good in fact. I just wanted to let you know that I had words with Noel. He’s agreed to leave RTÉ and find a job in London, something outside the radio sector altogether; finance maybe. He has to let me know where he’s living and working, and check in with me once a week.’
‘Like a parole officer?’
‘Exactly. And if he so much as sneezes at a woman again, so help me God he won’t know what’s hit him. That way you and Clara won’t be dragged though any kind of industrial tribunals or the courts or anything. Clara isn’t keen on taking the legal route, wants him out of the country as quickly as possible. Unless you want to take him to court?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I don’t think that would achieve anything. But Clara can go back to work now, yes?’
‘One hundred per cent. In fact, if I can persuade the powers that be, I’d like her to be my new producer.’
‘You’d be lucky to have her.’
He laughs. ‘I know. I rang some of my colleagues for advice and they all had nothing but praise, said they’d make her producer in a heartbeat. She’s been helping them out with ideas and contacts for years. Sounds like I’ve been totally underestimating her. I’ve already talked to her about it, and she’s considering it. But I hope she’ll say yes.’
‘And Ed?’
There’s a pause. ‘I left the reception early. Clara and I both think he’ll do very well on another show. We want to build a new team and I’m going to make sure she gets the chance to pick her own researchers, people she trusts. I know she’s hoping to talk to you later, Jules. Put in a good word for me, will you? The show really needs her.’
‘The show?’ I say archly.
‘Ah, feck it, you’re right, I need her. She’s amazing.’
So Danny has fi
nally seen through Ed and realized how lucky he is to have Clara. No doubt Ed will put some spin on his move, making it sound like a promotion, but the radio world is very small and people talk. I wonder what will happen to him? I feel sorry for Lainey, she deserves better. But she chose Ed, for better or for worse.
‘Don’t worry, I will,’ I tell Danny. ‘You and Clara will make a great team.’
As I click off my mobile, I smile to myself. Strange how things turn out. I’d always thought Danny was a bit of a plonker, but I guess I’ve called him wrong.
Bird comes into my room. ‘You’re awake. About time.’ She pulls back my curtains and opens the shutters halfway. Then she sits down on the end of my bed. ‘So how was the wedding, Jules? You got in later than I’d expected.’
Jamie had dropped me home. We’d talked, laughed and kissed for hours, catching up on six years of joint memories, both good and bad. Then we’d bought chips in Borzas in Dalkey and sat on the wall overlooking Dalkey Island, talking some more. I started yawning at eleven and Jamie insisted on dropping me home.
‘I’m fine, Jamie,’ I’d protested.
‘Jules, your eyes are drooping and you fell asleep kissing me a few minutes ago.’
‘Only because my eyes were closed. I’ll keep them open this time.’
He laughed. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Jules.’
‘Promise?’
He stroked my cheek and smiled. ‘Promise. And the next day, and the day after that. I’m not going anywhere. Not without you anyway.’
‘How did it go?’ Bird asks again.
‘It actually went OK. I didn’t disgrace myself and Declan was charming as always.’
Bird smiles. ‘I do like Declan and I’m glad you had a plus one. Was it painful my darling, seeing them at the altar, exchanging their vows?’
I shrug. ‘A bit. But honestly, I’m all right, Bird. I’ll survive. And I can put the whole Ed and Lainey thing behind me now, move on with my life.’
She looks at me curiously. ‘You’re taking it very well, I must say. Is the counselling helping? What did you talk about exactly, Boolie? I haven’t had a chance to ask you yet. Ed obviously?’
