by Justin Brown
‘Nope,’ I said. ‘He got five hundred, fair and square.’
Hughesy and Jonesy stared at each other, then at McGarvy as if he were a superhero.
‘Shot!’ said Hughesy.
‘Boom!’ said Jonesy.
‘And anyway,’ I said. ‘He’s not McGarvy anymore. We went to Grandma’s shop yesterday and she gave him a nickname. Now he’s McGroovy!’
The CGC laughed. Then McGroovy did too, but only a bit.
‘Could he join the CGC?’ Jonesy asked.
‘He’s got to spit on the leaf first! It’s the rule!’ said Hughesy.
‘Do you want to be in the CGC?’ I asked McGroovy.
He nodded.
Hughesy pulled a leaf from the tree we were sitting under.
‘Welcome to the CGC,’ I said. ‘The coolest club in the world.’
Jonesy took the leaf, spat on it and passed it to McGroovy.
Now we have four members. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that I have to wash Gertrude every day for a week and I’m suspended from rugby for four whole games.
19th JULY
I don’t understand why Gherkin needs to be cleaned every day after school. She’s not even dirty. But I can’t skip doing it because Fartin-Edge watches from her desk the whole time.
Luckily tomorrow is the last day. No more car-cleaning. Three more games and then I can play rugby again.
But there’s big trouble in Little China, as Grandma would say.
Remember that team trip Coach mentioned a while back?
Well, the deal is that if the Rattlesnakes beat the Bonecrushers they’ll be going to Fiji!
But I won’t be in the team because I’ll have been out too long and won’t have played enough matches!
That sucks, big time!
24th JULY
I tried to write a list of things that are worse than being suspended from rugby, but all I could think of was having a nuclear bomb under your bed, or sitting on a toilet with a black mamba in it who decides to eat your butt for breakfast.
But at least you could do something about those. Like getting your dad to call the bomb disposal squadron so that they can neutralise the bomb without destroying your Batman bedspread. And putting a dead mouse in the toilet to distract the snake while you finish your business – which you had better hope would work, because who’d want to go to school without a butt?
Anyway, so being suspended is still worse than both those things – especially when it means your team will probably get to go to Fiji without you.
28th JULY
Why doesn’t Dad just go out and buy the Game–Box V3 and give it to Joe Draper? Hughesy told me Joe scored four tries for the Rattlesnakes, and even converted them. Coach bought him extra chips after the game!
Now I know exactly how Ricky Ponting felt when the selectors were trying to boot him out.
1st AUGUST
Do you want to know the absolute worst news I’ve had all week? The Rattlesnakes beat the Bonecrushers 78–9! Everyone’s going on the team rugby trip to Fiji! On a plane! Overseas!
Everyone except for me. There’s no way Coach’ll include me after I’ve been out half the season. This is the worst, awfullest, smelliest, dumbest, evillest, baddest, suckiest day of my life. EVER.
EVER
EVER.
TIMES ONE MILLION.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the CGC came over and showed me their new passport photos. No one’s allowed to smile on their passport because the computer at the airport has to recognise your face. And no one smiles all the time, not even David Beckham with all his flash cars. Jonesy’s photo looked as grumpy as I felt.
I tried to be happy for them, but it should have been me and my best mates on that trip, winning the last tries I needed for the Game–Box V3 Challenge.
Hughesy said not to worry, they’d bring back presents from Fiji, but it didn’t help. They couldn’t stop smiling and I probably looked like someone smelling a shoe with dog poo on it.
7th AUGUST
I hate rugby now. And cricket. And basketball. And football. Maybe I’m growing up. Have you noticed that adults never play sport? They’re way too busy doing way more important things.
13th AUGUST
Guess what? I’m not suspended anymore!
I feel sorry for anyone who gets in my way tomorrow, because I’m hungry for tries. Starving for tries, actually, because I need heaps of them. Now I feel as if I’m under pressure, like Ricky Ponting when he forgot to retire.
The CGC are relying on me.
‘So when do you get the GameBox V3?’ McGroovy asked me at lunchtime. ‘I’m gonna waste you guys at Beast Battle!’
‘Hey!’ I said. ‘I might not even get the GameBox V3. I’ve got all the wickets I need, but I’ve only got four tries.’
‘Dude, that’s easy!’ said Hughesy.
‘Yeah, but I’ve been out for four whole games, remember? I need six more tries and there’s only one game left before you all go to Fiji.’
Hughesy and Jonesy went quiet.
McGroovy slapped me hard on the arm. ‘I’ve got an idea how you can get the other tries!’
‘How?’ I asked, rubbing where he hit me.
‘What are your best moves again?’ he asked.
‘The up-and-under and the bullet pass,’ I said. ‘Everyone knows that.’
‘Exackery,’ said McGroovy. ‘I’m the steamroller, so I smash players all over the place and have the best through-the-leg-flick in the business.’
‘I think I know where he’s going with this,’ said Hughesy.
‘Put it all together and we’re like a rugby superhero who eats other players for breakfast!’ said McGroovy. ‘If we team up we’ll be better than anyone. I’ll just pass the ball to you so you can score. At least you’ll have a chance of making those six tries. Then … Beast Battle!’
Suddenly it all clicked. ‘No one would be able to stop us,’ I said. ‘We’ll score loads of tries!’
‘And get the GameBox V3!’ put in Jonesy.
‘We’re a team,’ I said.
‘Of superheroes!’ finished Hughesy.
‘Boom!’ said McGroovy, giving me a high-five before I remembered that’s a bad idea if you want to keep your hand. ‘I’d hate to be on the other team!’
14th AUGUST
If the GameBox V3 Challenge was on TV, the commentators would have said that today was my last roll of the dice. Grandma would call it Last Chance Saloon.
I call it Super Suckville.
I know the CGC were trying to make me feel good when they got out their old costumes and dressed up as superheroes before today’s match against the Wizards, but everything fell as flat as a pancake.
Mostly because I played like Super Zero.
At first I laughed when I saw Jonesy dressed as Spiderman and Hughesy dressed as Batman. McGroovy was wearing his normal rugby gear.
‘Where’s your outfit?’ I asked.
‘I don’t need tights and a cape to be awesome,’ he replied.
‘Yeah, well, just be careful you don’t get caught in my web!’ said Jonesy.
‘Ha! You’re a joker!’ said Hughesy. ‘Get it? Joker? Batman!
’ ‘Yeah, we get it,’ said McGroovy. ‘Now let’s get Toby these tries so we can smash him at Beast Battle!’
Anyway, I should have known the game was going to suck, because we started ten minutes late. Both coaches were as red as a stop sign.
The hold-up was because of the superheroes. Jonesy needed two people to help pull his pants off because they were too tight, and Hughesy got his Batman mask stuck because it was made for tiny kids. In the end Coach had to cut it off with scissors from his first-aid kit.
So that was bad, but what’s worse is that I dropped balls, missed passes and tackles, and even missed a penalty right in front of the sticks.
If I had superpowers, I’d make myself invisible.
16th AUGUST
The CG
C came over after school today and we had a game of BYB. McGroovy and I were on the same team and we were on fire! But that’s not all.
There’s something else that’s so exciting I feel like my brain is about to explode out of my head. When we finished our game, Mum asked the CGC to stay for dinner and ordered pizza.
When we sat down, Dad told me Coach had called.
‘Apparently Scott Honeyford broke his leg falling out of a tree this afternoon,’ said Dad. ‘Coach is missing a fullback for that rugby team he’s taking to Fiji.’
I stood up so fast my pizza and fizzy flew everywhere. I looked at the CGC, then at Mum, then at Dad.
Dad sighed. ‘Coach says that for the sake of your bullet pass, he’s prepared to overlook last Saturday’s disappointing performance and the matter of Mrs Martin-Edge’s car. And so are your mother and I. As long as—’
‘Can I go?’ I yelled. ‘Can I?’
Dad looked at Mum, shrugged, then smiled. ‘Better ask the team if they want you.’
But I didn’t need to ask, because Hughesy high-fived me and his fizzy spilled into Jonesy’s lap. Then Max started laughing. Then McGroovy slapped me on the back and I fell on the floor. Max laughed even harder. Then I got up and hugged Dad.
‘I’m going to Fiji?’ I yelled. ‘Let’s pack!’
Can you believe it? Fiji!
And Dad says the GameBox V3 Challenge is back on!
Shot!
19th AUGUST
It’s only one sleep before we go to Fiji, and this morning, out of nowhere, Dad said it was okay to double-bounce on the trampoline again. This is great news if you want to make your sister go into infinity, but bad news if she does it to you.
When I fell back to earth from infinity, I caught my big toe on the edge of the tramp. Really hard. It felt as though a concrete elephant wearing boots made of brick had stomped on it.
I tried to scream but nothing came out. I didn’t want Claire to see me cry, but couldn’t help it.
Then something really surprising happened. Instead of laughing like a big fat kookaburra, Claire turned into one of those nurses with the nice smiles you see in old movies and helped me inside to my bedroom.
At first I thought it would be cool to go to the doctor with a sports injury, because that’s what Michael Jordan and Shane Watson do, but then I thought about what might happen if the doctor said I couldn’t play any sport!
We’re leaving for Fiji tomorrow!
And my toe is killing me!
But how can I tell Coach and the team I can’t go to Fiji because I got double-bounced off a trampoline by a girl?
I told Claire not to tell Mum and Dad. She seemed relieved about that and promised not to. But I made her lend me her phone so I could call an emergency meeting of the CGC.
When they arrived I limped to my bedroom door and shut it so Mum and Dad wouldn’t hear. I took my sock off. The CGC crowded around me.
‘It’s way bigger than your other big toe,’ said McGroovy.
‘Does it hurt when you walk on it?’ said Jonesy.
‘Of course it does!’ I said. ‘I forgot about it for a moment, but when I stood up I thought I was going to be the first person to die by flying into the ceiling like a human rocket.’
‘But you have to come to Fiji!’ said Hughesy.
‘Coach will never know!’ said Jonesy. ‘We’ll cover for you.’
McGroovy shook his head.
‘It’ll be okay,’ I said to him. ‘If you set up the tries and I’ll just run behind you.Then pass to me at the last minute. It’s only two games. I need these six tries.’
‘Ha!’ said McGroovy. ‘Six tries with a broken toe!’
‘It’s not broken!’ I said. ‘It’s just sore.’
‘My cousin did exactly the same thing to his toe,’ said Jonesy. ‘And he was told he had a ninety-six per cent chance of being better in two days!’
After the CGC meeting I almost got busted. I had no idea Mum and Claire were in the kitchen, so I hobbled in like Dale Steyn after he bowls forty overs in a day. Mum looked at me with a worried face.
Then Claire did the most amazing thing. For the first time since forever, she stuck up for me!
‘Have you got a stone in your sock again, Toby?’ she asked.
‘Huh?’ I said, confused.
‘You’re hobbling like an old granddad.’ Claire winked at me.
Then it clicked.
‘Um, yeah!’ I said. ‘Must be a stone. In my sock.’
‘Well, if you washed your socks more than once a year like most civilised human beings it wouldn’t be a problem!’ said Claire. ‘Would it?’
I poked my tongue out at her and Mum didn’t suspect a thing.
Tonight I watched an ESPN program about Michael Jordan. He’s just like me because he hates being injured. He said, ‘My body could stand the crutches, but my mind couldn’t stand the sideline,’ which I think is his way of saying sisters and trampolines ruin everything.
20th AUGUST
When the airport doors opened in Nadi it was like standing next to the oven when Dad gets our dinner out. Hughesy was happy because lots of other people in Fiji weren’t wearing shoes. But he was still wearing his beanie.
‘I don’t know how you can wear that thing!’ said McGroovy, trying to take it off when Hughesy wasn’t looking. ‘It’s, like, forty degrees here!’
‘It helps me think,’ said Hughesy.
‘It hasn’t helped you yet!’ said McGroovy.
I was probably the only person in Fiji wearing socks and shoes, mainly because my toe still looks like a squashed plum.
Ravi Patel asked me why I wasn’t wearing thongs like everyone else and I said I was still getting used to my new rugby boots, ready for the game when we’ll have to wear rugby boots, even in Fiji.
Even though my toe was throbbing, I couldn’t help being excited.
We were in Fiji!
A few hours ago I was at home, where Mum would now be picking up Claire from fencing and Dad would be feeding Max and watching sport. It was probably raining back there.
But not in Fiji!
Our bus driver was called Moses. His teeth were whiter than my new cricket pads, and he had a huge scar that went from his elbow to his hand.
‘Look, McGroovy!’ I said. ‘Shark bite, just like yours.’
‘Very funny, Gilligan-Flannigan!’ he replied.
‘Maybe he fell out of his cot as well,’ said Hughesy.
Hughesy got a punch for that, but he didn’t notice because we were in Fiji!
Moses closed the bus doors and started singing songs no one knew. We drove through villages on bumpy dirt roads. Every house had a straw roof and banana trees in the front yard. Imagine having a banana milkshake whenever you wanted!
We saw four Fijian friends walking home from school kicking a can.
‘The Fijian CGC!’ said Hughesy.
There was a school bus with no windows. And a Mobil service station, just like at home. And a little kid Max’s age on the back of a motorbike with no helmet! Further along, an old man in a skirt pulled in a huge fish from the blue sea.
‘Whoah,’ I said. ‘Dad would love it here.’
This was the first time any of us had stayed in a hotel without our mums and dads. Normally on holiday you have to keep your room tidy and put your dirty socks away. But all the mums and dads were back at home!
We looked in every cupboard, and McGroovy poured us all a Coke with lots of ice. Then we sat back like one of those sports teams on tour and watched Fijian TV. There were only two channels but we didn’t care.
I took a ginormous sip of fizzy and looked at my winning team. We had Jonesy the best centre ever, Hughesy the best hooker ever, and King of the Wing, McGroovy. And my toe was ninety-six per cent certain to get better overnight so that I could be the Flying Fullback. Life was as sweet as a banana lolly factory.
Then – wham! – Jonesy whacked me across the head with a pillow. ‘PILLOW FIGHT!’
H
ughesy sconed Jonesy, and I walloped McGroovy with two pillows at once. When I turned around to get Hughesy, McGroovy was standing there with a huge jug of water.
‘WATER FIGHT!’
At home Dad would have yelled, ‘Right, my boy,’ and I would have been in a whole heap of trouble.
But not in Fiji!
Wait till everyone back home found out we drank fizzy till we burped and smashed each other in the Combined Pillow and Water Fight Championships. They’d be so jealous.
But Mum always says it will end in tears. She was right this time.
Jonesy trod on my foot.
Imagine if T-Rexes weren’t extinct and one jumped from a diving board as high as a double-decker bus right onto your toe. I almost blacked out from the pain.
The CGC looked at me, then at each other. No one was laughing.
‘Okay,’ said Jonesy. ‘I think maybe there’s only a seventy per cent chance you’ll be okay by the time the first game starts.’
I carefully undid all the laces on my shoe and peeled it off.
My toe looked like a big purple balloon ready to pop.
McGroovy turned away when he saw it.
‘We’ll smash them!’ I said. ‘Remember our plan?’
‘Toby,’ said McGroovy. ‘Our plan will only work if we’re both on fire. Like at home. Coach said Fijians are really good.’
‘Please?’ I said. ‘Think of Beast Battle.’
Morning, 21st AUGUST
Today we’ve got two games against two Fijian teams. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. Coach said Fijians don’t play in the middle of the day because it’s too hot. He also said they would be used to being hot, but we would need lots of Motion Lotion. As if we didn’t know that!
When I woke up this morning, my toe was bigger and purpler than ever.
Before we left our hotel room, I taped up my toe with lots of the bandaids Jonesy’s mum had packed for him. It was hard to get my shoe on.
