“It’s going to be ok,” he told me.
I waited, but he followed suit just like everyone else. It was going to be ok? What was going on here?
“This is going to kill you,” James said, his voice phlegmy, and he laughed the crazy laugh I’d remembered in my nightmares. Then it was my turn.
I stepped up to the casket and looked down.
One of my many conversations with Skinner haunted me suddenly.
“Who are you?”
“Dick Pershing,” I answered.
“Wrong. Why did you murder Ben’s family?”
“I’ve never committed murder,” I answered truthfully.
“Who are you?” he repeated.
“Dick Pershing.”
“Dick Pershing is dead!” Spittle flew from his mouth, and he swung an emaciated hand at me.
I looked down into the coffin and saw myself lying there. I looked up to see Maggie’s eyes, and they were full of tears. Mary looked at me with sorrow in her eyes, her soul damaged by what had happened.
I tried to move toward them. “I don’t understand—”
The knocking at the door woke me up.
“Dick, dinner time,” Mel’s voice chirped.
Jamie must not have told Mel, I thought, pulling the blanket back. Courtney was bare from head to toe and I quickly pulled the covers back over her. She curled up as I did that, pulling a pillow close to her stomach before snoring softly, stopping, then rolling over again.
“Hey, you coming to dinner?” I asked her.
“Dinner?” she asked thickly. “Yeah, give me a minute.”
“We’ll be right there,” I told Mel through the door.
“Okay!” I heard her walking down the stairs.
“Dick?”
I turned and Courtney was standing beside the bed, one hand over her head stretching. I tried not to stare, but she was yawning and every muscle in her body pulled taut as she shivered a moment.
“Yeah?” the words barely escaped my mouth as I tried to look away, at my feet, at the ceiling.
“I’m sorry,” she said as I finally turned around.
“How come?” I asked her, facing the corner.
She walked over, wrapping her arms around my back and squeezed me.
“For what I did, what almost happened. I was feeling down and I think I needed a cry more than I needed a… you know. I’m… listen, I’m not good at this. Don’t make me say it.”
“I’m not upset at you,” I told her, “that wouldn’t be fair to either of us.”
“No, but what I did wasn’t fair to you. I thought… I mean… I feel bad for saying this, but for half a second, I thought that if I could have you, even for a moment, I could try to forget Luis.”
That was a sobering thought and I realized that I had underestimated the depths of her pain. She was still in love with him, and was ready to tarnish his memory to just get over him, even if it brought on the guilt. What made it worse was my mind had slipped, and I’d thought she was Mary. I would have gone for it, right up until Jamie had—
“Oh shit,” I said.
“What?”
I turned, and she had already pulled on a clean pair of panties, from a bag of clothing that the O’Sullivans had provided. The rest of her was bare so I started to look away, but she stepped into my vision.
“Please don’t,” I said. “I don’t want to, I mean, I can’t…”
“Oh, yeah, sorry. In the museum where they kept us, our modesty, dignity, and sense of shame were the first things to go. Nudie time was an every day, all day thing. Sorry, Dick.”
I looked away again and went on with my original thought. “When it was happening… Jamie walked in.”
“Oh god, I thought it was Mel. Figured I’d scarred the kid for life. How did she react?”
She walked back into my sight, a loose pair of gym shorts and a plain white t-shirt on. Her blonde hair was disheveled from drying weird, but other than that, she looked like an ordinary young adult lady who was a stunning beauty. With bedhead. I shook my head to clear that thought, and every other one I had still floating in the reptilian brain of mine.
“She looked hurt. Pissed.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah, I don’t need any more problems here for us,” I said.
“No, it’s kind of like I thought,” Courtney said more to herself than me and walked toward the window, looking out.
I could see the reflection of her face, her eyes staring out into the blank slate that was the new world around us.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing,” she said. “You mentioned dinner? How’s my hair?”
“Your hair is fine, that’s what got us into… uh...”
“Yeah… Dick, don’t take this the wrong way, but that’s not going to happen again. I’m sorry that my meltdown led to… one of yours?”
“Good, I uh… we don’t need that. I mean, we do, just not with each other, I mean… shit.”
She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed again, then pushed me back. Hard. I almost hit the window.
“What the hell?”
“Just making sure you weren’t getting too comfortable. This isn’t a sob-fest any more. We need to gut up and move on with shit. Especially when we head to Arkansas.”
“I thought you were going to break off and go to Texas?” I asked her.
“Yeah, well… Arkansas is on the way. You weren’t going to kick me to the curb early, were you?” The snarky, fierce woman was re-asserting herself in the contours of her face. The fire in her eyes that had been missing the past week was back. I knew what she was doing was an act, but maybe it was a necessary lie to fake happiness and the tough attitude until it was real. Maybe that would work. I’d heard the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’ enough that there must be some truth to it somewhere. Besides, would she really want to go to Texas without Luis?
“I wouldn’t kick you to the curb, you’ve been to Hell and back with me.”
“And don’t you forget it,” she said, opening the bedroom door.
Feeling even more confused than I had several hours ago, I followed.
40
I sat across from Courtney, next to Mel. With as many people they had at the farm, the table was put up and taken down apparently, and Beth hadn’t been kidding, people ate in shifts. I wondered when the woman ever slept, she seemed to be constantly filling or refilling empty places on the table with food. It was a feast. It was more than I’d ever expected, and I was immediately suspicious of Steve’s easygoing manner. He’d always been tense and wary around me, but suddenly he was cracking jokes and treating me like a long lost friend.
What the hell. Fake it till I make… Naw.
Courtney was laughing with half a mouthful of food as one of the deputies was telling stories about some of his most ridiculous arrests, and I must admit, the one about the man who broke into his neighbor’s house because he’d belatedly found out he had no TP, was only compounded by the problem that he’d been caught with his pants down. Literally.
Mel was mostly soaking up the conversation, probably having grown up with many of the men as guests of her father. Jamie, on the other hand, picked at her food, moving it around the plate.
“Not hungry?” I asked her, ignoring the rest of the conversations going on around us.
“No,” she said, so softly that I didn’t hear it, I just saw her lips move.
“I’m sorry,” I said, and let it go.
She looked to the left, toward the big window facing the front door. After years of living underground, I wanted to be outside a lot… but the reason I’d stayed in was because of some of the hard feelings over the dead cops caused by me and mine; yet none of that was evident today.
“More potatoes, Dick?” Mel asked, handing me a cast iron pot that weighed a ton.
“Just a little,” I said, scooping them out and then tried to find an empty place at the table to put them down.
“There’s nowhere to pu
t this,” I said, looking around.
“That’s Beth’s way of making sure it all gets eaten,” Steve said with half a mouthful.
“Well, what do I do with it?”
“Pass it on,” he said, eating half a homemade biscuit in one bite.
I handed it to my left, to the boisterous deputy. He took it and scooped then handed it on. I watched and as it made its way to Jamie, she just shook her head and it was passed behind her chair.
“So, why the feast?” I asked Steve.
“Remember the scouts you had me send out a couple of days ago?”
“Yeah, the ones to check out the camp.”
“They just came back. The DHS at the camp is mobilizing. I don’t know if they’re going to be moving away, moving against us, or what’s going on exactly. They are packing to move out in formation and the radio chatter has been confusing.”
“So, there isn’t anything we can use really? I mean, we can’t get close enough to see more than that…”
“There’s more. It appears that the NATO troops that fired on us, are there at the camp.”
“That figures,” Courtney spat. “I guess I know which way we’re going first.” She locked eyes with me.
I nodded. She’d have her justice and blow away as many of the murderous bastards as she could, and then maybe, just maybe, she could start healing.
“How about our list of materials?” I asked.
“I’m ahead of schedule. If they try to come in, I have enough ANFO to drop a sky scraper, all mixed and sealed in fuel drums. We’re working on digging ambush points, placing charges, stuff like that.”
I suddenly knew why he was in such a good mood. Despite things looking grim, the farm was getting ahead of the eight-ball for once, and getting things done while we still had options. I had thought that Steve was only half paying attention when I’d asked for a laundry list of supplies, but that hadn’t been the case. He’d come through. All except for…
“And I got the stuff for the thermite,” he said, smiling.
He’d got it.
“That’s great. Magnesium Ribbon?” I asked.
His face fell. “No, actually I didn’t. I heard we can use something else, though.”
“As long as you have some sparklers around here, we’re in good shape,” I said with a smile.
“You going to teach us how to make it?” Mel asked.
“You little pyro.” Her dad mussed up her hair. “A lot of us are going to learn how to do it. You’re welcome to watch. We have some folks using the mortar and pestles that you asked about.”
“Good deal. I’ll build those after dinner then. Maybe in the early morning, me and Courtney can do a quick test of them.”
“Oh, I want to see that! Mom, don’t you want to see that?!” Mel asked, her voice excited.
It’d almost be infectious, her excitement, but Jamie just looked at her and nodded. Steve finally noticed his wife’s dour mood and shot her a puzzled look. She met his gaze for a minute, looked at me and then turned back to the window.
“You can’t watch where we’re going to be testing it out, kiddo.” I told her.
“Oh? Where’s that?” Jamie asked, an edge to her voice.
“On the hood of one of those APCs, if they’re outside the fence.”
The boisterous deputy and Steve started laughing like evil imps when they realized my plan simultaneously, and I gave them a grin. When I looked over to see Jamie, I met her gaze. She looked confused, hurt, and pissed. None of them were things that I wanted to see. I was torn and twisted in so many ways, and seeing her in pain only made the guilt I was feeling ratchet up.
“It’s going to be fun,” I said, looking at Courtney who was smiling at the thought of some payback. “Steve, if you could loan me a couple guys, some guns, and ammo, I’ll leave about three am. I hope we can take out whatever big vehicles we can. If that doesn’t look possible, I’ll need intel on the camp. I want to put them on the defensive, until the preps here are ready.”
“Sure, I’ll have a couple guys come with you. What kind of load-out will they need?”
“Just strong backs and nerves of steel. Doesn’t even have to be deputies.”
“Doesn’t have to be just men, either. That’s sexist,” Mel said and I snickered, despite myself.
“Well, if you think you can lug… oh never mind, kiddo. I know you can, but I doubt your dad would let you go.”
“Yeah, kid, that ain’t happening,” Steve said, hugging her with one arm.
“I’m going to take a quick walk,” I stood, and frowned when Courtney did as well. “No, it’s ok, Courtney, I’m just going to the front porch. I need a little air to wake me up from all this wonderful food.”
She nodded and sat back down. So much to do, so much planning. The days here were strange. Hot, hot, hot, during the daytime. Well, it should be, it was summer time. But it was the evenings that were to die for. Things cooled down, and there was a magical hour when the bugs didn’t eat you alive. That was this very moment, and I wanted some time to make my peace with life.
The door opened and Jamie walked out, and leaned against the railing. For once, the porch was empty, except for the two of us.
“Jamie—”
“Stop.” Her voice was so quiet that I struggled to hear it.
“About earlier—”
She put her hands over her eyes and shook her head. One hand fell down and it found its way into mine. I felt the moisture and looked up, seeing her tears falling silently.
“No, I get it, and I don’t even know why it bothers me. I mean, I’m home and my family is back together again, but walking in on you and her—”
“I fell in love with you,” I interrupted her.
Her head snapped around and she pulled both hands to her stomach in a knot.
“I didn’t mean to,” I continued. “I didn’t even realize it was happening until the night I got the radio hooked up and you talked to Steve. I didn’t know how prickly and grouchy it was making me. Courtney pointed it out, and I’ve been fighting it ever since. It was like once I found out, things made sense. It just made things worse for me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry I did that. Never once did I mean to hurt you.”
“You… I…” her words trailed off and she just stood there, looking off in the distance.
“You have your family, your husband and a life. Somewhere out there, I have Mary and my daughter. I got turned around earlier, but nothing happened with Courtney. We were just two screwed up people who almost made a bad choice. And this thing I feel… I’m leaving, Jamie. I’m leaving soon to reclaim the life that I let slip through my fingers.”
I was looking at the sun, setting over the waves of corn and grain, and I felt her hand on my arm.
“I… I’m kind of in the same boat,” she said, “but when you’re gone, it won’t be so bad. I just can’t… it hurts right now.”
“I know. We spent a lot of time together. We’ve saved each other. It’s a bond that nobody else can share. But it’s a bond created under extreme circumstances. You’ve got a life here, and mine’s waiting for me to pick up the threads.” The words tasted like ashes in my mouth, but I knew they were necessary.
“I know,” Jamie told me, pulling a tissue out of her pocket and blowing her nose. “I just saw that, and I hadn’t realized it myself. Kind of like what you felt when I called Steve.”
The stab of the little green monster; yes, yes, I knew it well.
“I know. But Courtney and I won’t ever be a thing. I had a flashback, and for a moment, I thought I was in Mary’s parents’ farmhouse, with Mary.”
“How do you keep things together? You’re one of the most broken human beings I’ve ever met, and also the toughest one mentally. I don’t understand how you can still be standing here sometimes.”
“I don’t know either. Lately, I’ve been dreaming of Skinner, of him telling me that I’m dead. They have record of me dying. I’m not dead, but my mind is working on something. Maybe th
e dreams are so much mental diarrhea, that it’s how my mind copes.”
“Your feelings, are they mental diarrhea?” she asked, half smiling.
I knew what she meant, and it was a tricky question to answer. I took a deep breath.
“No, I just feel sorry that my feelings made things rough on you. What I feel doesn’t matter. I’m moving on, you know that. I just hope I didn’t hurt you and Mel by wearing my heart on my sleeve.”
“No.” She hugged me. “Just come back safe tomorrow. I want to make sure that you make it to Arkansas. I want you to find your Mary and Maggie.”
I let her go and used a thumb to wipe away the last tear running down her cheek.
“I do, too. That’s why I wish I would have hid how I felt better.”
“No, one thing you don’t do is hide your feelings. If you had tried, you would have exploded. I’m going to rejoin the others. Beth has some apple pie coming up. You coming back in?”
“In a bit,” I said, watching her give me a half wave as she went inside.
I sat on the steps and in a half a heartbeat, I heard heavy footsteps. I figured it was Courtney coming to give me a dig about Jamie, and was mentally preparing a defense against her antics when Steve sat down next to me.
“Steve,” I said.
“Dick.”
The silence stretched out, and I turned from my view of the sunset to see him struggling with words.
“I’m a lot of things, Dick. A county Sheriff, a farmer, a father, and a lousy husband. At first, I was almost glad when my wife walked in on you and Courtney. Almost.”
Oh, shit.
“Thing is, I caught most of your conversation, because the other thing I am is a jealous bastard.”
I waited for the punch. I’d leave myself open to it, I wouldn’t even fight back. I deserved this.
“Thing is, I kind of understand where you’re both coming from, and it’s been eating away at me.”
“You met someone?” I asked, a sudden flash of insight lighting up the shadowy, cobwebby corners of my brain.
“Yeah, I mean, Jamie and Mel were gone for months and months. I thought they were dead.”
I let that sink in... Holy shitballs, Batman.
The Devil Dog Trilogy: Out Of The Dark Page 44
