by A. A. Milne
A BILLIARD LESSON
I was showing Celia a few fancy strokes on the billiard-table. The othermembers of the house-party were in the library, learning their parts forsome approaching theatricals--that is to say, they were sitting roundthe fire and saying to each other, "This _is_ a rotten play." We hadbeen offered the position of auditors to several of the company, but wewere going to see _Parsifal_ on the next day, and I was afraid that theconstant excitement would be bad for Celia.
"Why don't you ask me to play with you?" she asked. "You never teach meanything."
"There's ingratitude. Why, I gave you your first lesson at golf onlylast Thursday."
"So you did. I know golf. Now show me billiards."
I looked at my watch.
"We've only twenty minutes. I'll play you thirty up."
"Right-o. What do you give me--a ball or a bisque or what?"
"I can't spare you a ball, I'm afraid. I shall want all three when I getgoing. You may have fifteen start, and I'll tell you what to do."
"Well, what do I do first?"
"Select a cue."
She went over to the rack and inspected them.
"This seems a nice brown one. Now then, you begin."
"Celia, you've got the half-butt. Put it back and take a younger one."
"I thought it seemed taller than the others." She took another. "How'sthis? Good. Then off you go."
"Will you be spot or plain?" I said, chalking my cue.
"Does it matter?"
"Not very much. They're both the same shape."
"Then what's the difference?"
"Well, one is more spotted than the other."
"Then I'll be less spotted."
I went to the table.
"I think," I said, "I'll try and screw in off the red." (I did this onceby accident and I've always wanted to do it again.) "Or perhaps," Icorrected myself, as soon as the ball had left me, "I had better give asafety miss."
I did. My ball avoided the red and came swiftly back into the left-handbottom pocket.
"That's three to you," I said without enthusiasm.
Celia seemed surprised.
"But I haven't begun yet," she said. "Well, I suppose you know therules, but it seems funny. What would you like me to do?"
"Well, there isn't much on. You'd better just try and hit the red ball."
"Right." She leant over the table and took long and careful aim. I heldmy breath.... Still she aimed.... Then, keeping her chin on the cue, sheslowly turned her head and looked up at me with a thoughtful expression.
"Oughtn't there to be three balls on the table?" she said, wrinkling herforehead.
"No," I answered shortly.
"But why not?"
"Because I went down by mistake."
"But you said that when you got going, you wanted---- I can't arguebending down like this." She raised herself slowly. "You said---- Oh,all right, I expect you know. Anyhow, I _have_ scored some already,haven't I?"
"Yes. You're eighteen to my nothing."
"Yes. Well, now I shall have to aim all over again." She bent slowlyover her cue. "Does it matter where I hit the red?"
"Not much. As long as you hit it on the red part."
She hit it hard on the side, and both balls came into baulk.
"Too good," I said.
"Does either of us get anything for it?"
"No." The red and the white were close together, and I went up the tableand down again on the off-chance of a cannon. I misjudged it, however.
"That's three to you," I said stiffly, as I took my ball out of theright-hand bottom pocket. "Twenty-one to nothing."
"Funny how I'm doing all the scoring," said Celia meditatively. "AndI've practically never played before. I shall hit the red hard now andsee what happens to it."
She hit, and the red coursed madly about the table, coming to rest nearthe top right-hand pocket and close to the cushion. With a forcing shotI could get in.
"This will want a lot of chalk," I said pleasantly to Celia, and gave itplenty. Then I let fly....
"Why did that want a lot of chalk?" said Celia with interest.
I went to the fire-place and picked my ball out of the fender.
"That's three to you," I said coldly. "Twenty-four to nothing."
"Am I winning?"
"You're leading," I explained. "Only, you see, I may make a twenty atany moment."
"Oh!" She thought this over. "Well, I may make my three at any moment."
She chalked her cue and went over to her ball.
"What shall I do?"
"Just touch the red on the right-hand side," I said, "and you'll go intothe pocket."
"The _right_-hand side? Do you mean _my_ right-hand side, or theball's?"
"The right-hand side of the ball, of course; that is to say, the sideopposite your right hand."
"But its right-hand side is opposite my _left_ hand, if the ball isfacing this way."
"Take it," I said wearily, "that the ball has its back to you."
"How rude of it," said Celia, and hit it on the left-hand side, and sankit. "Was that what you meant?"
"Well ... it's another way of doing it."
"I thought it was. What do I give you for that?"
"_You_ get three."
"Oh, I thought the other person always got the marks. I know the lastthree times----"
"Go on," I said freezingly. "You have another turn."
"Oh, is it like rounders?"
"Something. Go on, there's a dear. It's getting late."
She went, and left the red over the middle pocket.
"A-ha!" I said. I found a nice place in the "D" for my ball. "Now then.This is the Gray stroke, you know."
I suppose I was nervous. Anyhow, I just nicked the red ball gently onthe wrong side and left it hanging over the pocket. The white travelledslowly up the table.
"Why is that called the grey stroke?" asked Celia with great interest.
"Because once, when Sir Edward Grey was playing the GermanAmbassador--but it's rather a long story. I'll tell you another time."
"Oh! Well, anyhow, did the German Ambassador get anything for it?"
"No."
"Then I suppose I don't. Bother."
"But you've only got to knock the red in for game."
"Oh!... There, what's that?"
"That's a miss-cue. I get one."
"Oh!... Oh well," she added magnanimously, "I'm glad you've startedscoring. It will make it more interesting for you."
There was just room to creep in off the red, leaving it still over thepocket. With Celia's ball nicely over the other pocket there was achance of my twenty break. "Let's see," I said, "how many do I want?"
"Twenty-nine," replied Celia.
"Ah," I said ... and I crept in.
"That's three to you," I said icily. "Game."
BURLESQUES
