Make Music With Me

by Kristine Allen

  “When do you have to head back to post, son?” Mac questioned Levi. Surprise hit me. I hadn’t realized he had to go back. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask. Then again, I had no idea how the whole military thing worked.

  “My chain of command granted my leave, so I have another couple of weeks. They didn’t see a need for me to fly back over there since everyone’s preparing to head home, so I’ve been doing what I can to clear post. Once I return, everyone else should be there or back soon.”

  “How long before you can come home for good?” That from Logan as he continued to inhale his second gigantic helping. Lordy, these boys can eat.

  “If everything goes well, I should start terminal leave and be home by the end of May.”

  Logan nodded. “What about the other guys? They gonna be back soon, too?” He seemed to eagerly await the answer. The conversation left me a little lost. I couldn’t help but wonder what guys he was talking about.

  “Yeah, they should be here by the end of June. They’re both already out. Aiden should be here early next week with his mom and sister. Dominic is here. I talked to him this morning. He wanted to know if we would feel up to playing a little later next week so you could get a feel for all of us together.” Levi stopped suddenly and scrunched his face up in what appeared to be remorse, as if it had dawned on him next week was the memorial.

  “Um, yeah.” Logan shot a nervous glance at their mom before looking down at his plate and shoving another bite in his mouth. The first awkward silence of the meal descended.

  “This is delicious, Linda. Thank you for making such a lovely dinner. I wish you hadn’t gone to all the trouble, though.” Trying to quickly change the subject, I blurted out my compliments.

  It actually made me feel bad knowing she’d worked so hard to make an amazing meal when she was as torn up with grief as I was. Probably more so; after all, she lost one of her babies. I’d also been hungrier than I realized, because I had quickly eaten every bite she’d dished up for me. Then again, I hadn’t eaten for shit since the accident. I’d lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose.

  “It was no trouble, Poppy dear. Honest. Actually, it helps me feel somewhat normal. I can’t just sit around, or I think too much.” She gave another sad smile before she resumed pushing the last of her food around on her plate. “You should have Levi walk you out to Carkeek Beach South after you’re both done eating. It’s a short walk and the beach is peaceful. It will probably be chilly by the water, so you may want to grab a jacket.”

  “Yeah, sure. If you feel up to it, I’ll walk you over.” Levi didn’t look at me as he spoke. He got up to take his plate and mine to the sink, still without looking at me. If his body language was any indicator, it didn’t seem like he wanted to take me.

  “I’m sure if you give me directions, I can find it on my own. Levi doesn’t need to go out of his way to take me. In fact, I think I may just change and take a little jog. It’s been a while since I had my daily run because of…. Well, there’s been a lot going on.”

  Shit.

  Tears gathered in my eyes once again, and I rapidly blinked them away.

  “Poppy, I really don’t mind. It’s no problem to show you. I actually planned to run the beach before going to bed tonight, anyway. Well, that is if you don’t mind me joining you. I get it if you’d rather be alone.” Discomfort radiated from Levi. Damn, I hated to make him feel like he had to babysit me, but I didn’t want to be alone so I opted for the truth.

  “The company would actually be appreciated. Let me go change and I’ll be back down in a minute.” Before he could change his mind, I quickly climbed the stairs to throw on a pair of running tights, a tank top, and a jacket. In my rush, I was tugging my shoes on as I was hopping along the landing on one leg at a time.

  There was only a slight tug in the area of my healed abdominal incision, but it was much better than it had been. This would be the first run since the accident. The first I’d felt up to both physically and emotionally.

  I was also looking forward to being alone with Levi, but I had to question my sanity at how badly I wanted to be close to him.

  “End of My Rope”—Trapt

  Shit, it certainly wasn’t that I didn’t want to be around her. It was quite the opposite, but I was fucking embarrassed that she’d found me after I’d lost my shit. Honestly, that may have been the first time I’d shed a tear since I was a child. So it was mortifying for Poppy to be the one who saw it. It made me feel like a damn baby.

  Losing Lucas had cut me off at the fucking knees, but I had tried so hard to be strong for my mom and dad. And Logan. Lucas had doted on Logan, and I knew he was taking the loss hard. No different than the rest of us, I guess. Except he’d been drinking more. A lot more.

  As I stripped in my old room, I dug out my running clothes from the duffle bag I’d brought from Fort Lewis. I’d been trying to keep conditioned while I was here.

  Standing there naked, my thoughts turned to Poppy.

  Aaaaaand my faithless mind was picturing her stripping down in the room next to mine. Fuck.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  Closing my eyes, I spoke to my brother for about the hundredth time since hearing the news of his death. “Man, Lucas, I’m so damn sorry. You have no idea what a total piece of shit I feel like. She’s your girl. Even though you aren’t here, she’s yours. But I feel something insane for her and no matter how fucking hard I try, I can’t get her out of my head. It’s like I can’t stay away from her, but I’m sure as hell trying. She was only supposed to be my friend.” As usual, there was no answer. Even so, a calm washed over me, and I could have sworn he was there in the room.

  “Lucas?” But there was nothing. No shift in the air, no flutter of the curtains. Nothing. I was still as alone as before. I scrubbed my hand over my face in frustration.

  I knew I was going fucking crazy, then.

  Absently, I dressed in compression shorts, basketball shorts, and a hoodie over a T-shirt. I sat on the bed to lace my running shoes and then headed out the door. The sight that greeted me was cute as fuck. She was hopping across the landing, just past my door, pulling on her shoes. The long hair of her ponytail kept falling in her face with each little jump. It was impossible to keep the smile off my face when I saw her. It was also impossible to miss why Lucas had been crazy about her.

  Through our email conversations, I’d laughed at the irony that she and I both enjoyed running. Lucas was never a runner. He was always more the gym, lifting kind of guy. Weights, martial arts, that kind of shit. She and I both ran. Don’t get me wrong, I lifted too, but running was where I was most at peace. It’s mindless—you can actually fucking think. Some of my best songs had actually come to me when I was running.

  It also didn’t hurt being a soldier. Before I went SF, the Army had been big on PT and running. Now that I was SF, it was a necessity.

  “Umm, you know I won’t leave without you, babe. You can take a minute to sit down and put your shoes on.” Babe? Internally, I groaned at my slipup.

  Shit, did I really fucking say that? All I could hope for was that she thought I used it as a generic endearment.

  Dammit.

  My words had startled her and she lost her balance, falling backward. I lunged forward and caught her. Unfortunately, her backside fell straight up against my front, her ass flush against my dick.

  Hell, if that fucker didn’t have a mind of his own. She was wiggling, trying to get her balance back and every time she moved she pressed against me. The bastard was getting harder with every motion she made.

  Oh fucking Jesus, I’m going to hell.

  “Shit! I’m sorry!” She scrambled to stand, and the more she tried to find her footing, the more she rubbed against my junk. Grinding my molars, I pushed her upright and held her at arm’s length until I knew she was steady on her feet. As proof she’d felt every inch of me, her face was flaming and she had trouble looking me in the eye. Send me to hell, but I sure as shit wasn’t sorry.


  “You’re fine, Poppy. It’s all good. You ready, then?” Clearing my throat, I couldn’t keep the embarrassment off my face as I raised my eyebrows at her. When she nodded, we both headed downstairs. Logan and my parents were sitting on the deck with Mom’s little patio heater going. By the way they fell silent when Poppy followed me out the door, I knew they’d been talking about her or Lucas.

  They played it off pretty well that they were just shooting the shit and having after-dinner drinks. Narrowing my eyes at Logan, I wondered how much he’d had to drink and hoped he didn’t get shitfaced in front of our parents.

  “We’ll be back shortly.” They waved us off with encouragement and comments to enjoy our run. At the corner, we stretched for a few minutes, then set out.

  After I explained the route I usually took to get down to the beach, we pretty much ran without talking. Another nice thing about running: people don’t expect conversation out of you. It was a comfortable quiet, though. The only sounds were our feet hitting the pavement and our breathing as we inhaled and exhaled. At a running pace, we climbed the stairs to take the walkway over the railroad tracks and hit the beach.

  Our strides were perfectly in sync. Even though I wasn’t holding back, she kept up, and we ran well together.

  The tide ebbed and flowed as we continued along the pebbled beachfront. Our beaches were a far cry from Florida’s fine white sand, but they were good for running.

  We went all the way up to Carkeek Park before we turned around and headed back toward home. On the way, we stopped to rest on some of the large rocks that cropped up along the beach.

  “That was so overdue.” Her breathless statement garnered a nod from me.

  Elbows resting on our knees, we sat catching our breath and watching the water lap at the shore. The chilly April air blew off the sound and ruffled her hair, pulling strands loose from her ponytail to frame her face. The sound of the water’s advance and retreat lulled us into a comfortable silence as we sat deep in our own thoughts.

  At some point she had leaned over until her arm was against mine. When she rested her head on my shoulder, I moved to lay my cheek on her. I wanted to kiss her sweet-smelling hair so fucking bad, but I knew that would probably freak her the fuck out. Instead, I just sat enjoying the scent and feel of her.

  I didn’t rush her, waiting for her to let me know she was ready to get going. Because honestly, I wasn’t in a hurry. Like it had before, time stood still. I wasn’t sure how long we sat there before she took a deep breath and we separated, and I stood.

  I held out my hand out to help her get up. When she laid hers in mine, an electric current ran through my arm and shot to my chest. It ripped the breath from my lungs.

  Shit.

  Dammit, Lucas, why did you have to leave us? If my brother had still been here, I knew I would have been able to keep my feelings for her under control. At least that’s what I told myself.

  Eventually I would have gotten over this crush I had on her.

  I snorted to myself. Saying I had a mere crush on her was bullshit. It was a fucking obsession.

  Now I was torn between my feelings and my loyalty to my brother’s ghost.

  “Ten Years”—Rev Theory

  On one hand, the run with Levi that first night had done me a world of good; on the other, it fucked me up. Because I really had loved Lucas. There was absolutely no doubt about that. Maybe I was unsure if we had been doing the right thing, but I did love him without question. My issue was the feelings that Levi stirred in me just by being close to me. They were over the top.

  It was a little frightening how I experienced such a visceral need at his touch. It left me riddled with guilt, as if I was being unfaithful to Lucas and the love we shared. Those thoughts overwhelmed me to the point of my brain being scrambled. They also left me questioning not whether I loved Lucas, but if I was actually in love with him. Not the first time I’d wondered, but I hated that in my heart and mind I may have been unfaithful to Lucas.

  The past several days had gone by quickly. We’d all hung out at the house and shared our happy memories of Lucas. I’d really enjoyed hearing about what his life was like growing up. Linda had pulled out old photo albums and I finally got to see what cute little boys they all had been.

  Every single member of Lucas’s family was wonderful. It was like suddenly being gifted with another family and it had been slowly piecing my heart back together—one messy stitch at a time.

  Logan had an apartment he shared with some friends, but he’d been staying at the house during my visit. It was nice because we were able to spend quality time together. Levi was home on leave so, of course, he was staying at the house too.

  Each night, Levi and I had gone for a run. Thankfully we didn’t usually talk much during those runs; just enjoyed each other’s company and the peaceful feeling of our feet pounding alongside the water.

  Of course, the day of Lucas’s memorial dawned gloomy and overcast. It fit my melancholy state of mind perfectly. Mac, Linda, Levi, and I loaded up in Linda’s SUV to go down to the church where the memorial would be held. No one spoke much and the mood seemed somber, yet without tension.

  Logan had driven his own truck and met us in the parking lot as we pulled in. Both boys hugged their mother, and Mac put his arm around me, giving me an encouraging squeeze as he handed me a pristine white handkerchief. I got the feeling it was also his way of grounding himself before we entered the church.

  Mac gave Linda his arm, and they walked in silence toward the looming structure, followed closely by Logan. My feet felt frozen to the ground as I stared after them. Deep inside, I wanted to run and hide, as if that would make this all go away.

  Every day I felt like I would wake up to Lucas’s warmth and have him tell me this past month had all been a horrible nightmare. Unfortunately, that nightmare was my reality, as well as the reality of his close-knit family. A family that, amazingly, had welcomed me into their fold.

  “Oh God. I can’t do this.” My voice wavered as tears clogged my throat.

  Levi tipped his head and crouched slightly, looking me questioningly in the eye. That was when I realized he had his arm offered out to escort me.

  “Come on, Poppy. We can do this together.” His eyes were as sad as mine and my heart cracked for him. I curled my hand under his extended elbow and kept my eyes locked on his. His heat seeped through the long-sleeved black shirt he wore. His muscles were firm and warm beneath my hand. Alive.

  Blowing out the breath I’d been holding, I began to move forward. Step by step, arm in arm, we approached the church as I kept my eyes downcast. He led me through the open doors, and we walked up the center to join the rest of the family in the front row.

  I looked up as we reached the end of the aisle—straight into the blue eyes and smiling face of my fiancé. My stomach plummeted and my knees buckled. The beautiful, bigger than life-size photograph of Lucas’s face was on an easel in front of the altar.

  Surrounding it were dozens upon dozens of flowers and plants. My heart seized and my throat ached with the still unshed tears. Like a steamroller, the finality of Lucas no longer existing in my life hit me. It left me crushed and broken.

  “God, please,” I whispered over and over, like a mantra of survival.

  I slid into the pew, my hands trembling where I clutched Levi and the handkerchief Mac had handed me as we’d exited the vehicle. The dam on my tears gave way and they ran in rivulets down my cheeks as I struggled to simply breathe with the heavy pain crushing my chest.

  In a silent show of comfort, Levi placed his hand on top of mine. I clung mercilessly to his strength. Knowing this was just as difficult for him, I placed my free hand over his. This was no easy moment for any of us.

  A broken sob erupted from Linda as Mac held her, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear. It was impossible not to notice the tears welling in his eyes as he raised them to the ceiling in supplication. He was trying so hard to stay strong for her.

  Log
an placed a hand on his father’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze of comfort and support as his other hand reached over and did the same for his brother. Levi untangled his right hand from mine and placed it over his brother’s but still held my hand tight with his left. The bond their family had was deep and strong. They were generous in their love for one another and they’d extended it to me without hesitation.

  The service passed in a blur. Kind words shared by the pastor, friends, and family who gathered to remember the bright spark that was Lucas all went through my mind without registering. Occasionally I managed to catch bits and pieces of their stories of Lucas as a child, a teen, and a man. Those memories would be the only things any of us would have to carry us through.

  Finally the family rose and walked up to the altar to kneel and share a few final private words with his memory, his spirit, or maybe God. Out of respect for their moment, I waited until they were done. When it was my turn, I knelt, bowed my head, and whispered to Lucas and God.

  “Please… help me find the strength to get through this torment.” I begged them. “Lucas, I love you so much. I’m sorry I ever doubted us, because I don’t know if I can live without you.” As I finished my brief conversation, a sob slipped from my trembling lips. Then, on shaking limbs, I rose and turned to blindly catch Levi’s supporting arm again.

  As I made my way back down the aisle, I couldn’t meet the sympathetic eyes of the many people packed in the church. The chilly air hit us like a wall when we left through the double doors. Mac had decided the family would not stand at the vestibule to accept condolences due to the fragile state of Linda’s nerves. I didn’t think my sanity would stay intact for much longer, either.

  God, what had I been thinking? That subjecting myself to that gut-wrenching pain would give me closure? I was nuts. I’d been doing better before the memorial than I was after.