Make Music With Me

by Kristine Allen

  My conscience tried one last time to talk sense into me. Not sure if I was talking to myself or to her, I whispered as I closed my eyes, “God, this is so fucked-up.” Opening them again, I looked at her gorgeous face.

  Vulnerability emanated from her. Those golden-brown eyes hidden behind her lashes, lips parted, brow knotted. Vines of guilt wove around my head and heart. If she wanted me to stop, I wasn’t going to push her.

  “Poppy, look at me. I need to know you’re sure. I need to know it’s me you want right now.” Searching her face for understanding, my eyes combed hers for any sign of hesitation or doubt. Yeah, I knew she loved Lucas, but I didn’t want to be a stand-in for him just because we looked alike. I wouldn’t be. Maybe that was egotistic and insensitive of me, but at that moment in time I didn’t give a rat’s ass. The little devil on my shoulder took over, speaking louder than the angel.

  I needed it to be me she saw. Call me an asshole. Call me fucking selfish. I didn’t care.

  I needed her to know I was the one filling her.

  Unblinking, she steadily met my gaze with dilated eyes, then she grabbed me by the back of my neck and jerked me closer to her. With unbridled fervor, she kissed me. Groaning into her mouth as our tongues tangled, I pictured those lips doing filthy, amazing things to me.

  Just as I was becoming lost in sensation, she broke away and said in a soft but sincere whisper, “I’m sure, Levi. I want you. Please.”

  Shoving the voice of reason down into a deep, dark hole of my mind, I needed no more encouragement. In reckless abandon, I plunged deep into her. As her walls squeezed tight around my shaft, I lost my ever-loving mind.

  Holy fucking shit.

  Trying my damnedest to maintain control, I held my breath, jaw clenched, and tried not to move. Desperately, I fought to hold off.

  No matter how hard I clutched at sanity, I lost the battle. She was made for me, and I swear to Christ I was made for her. All rationality deserted me.

  Goddamn, she was a perfect fit. Pulling back until I was nearly out, I tried to think of sobering things and slowly slid back in until the base of my cock was nestled against her clit. My worst fear was hurting her, so I struggled for control, but she was having none of it.

  “Harder. Please. Make me feel you. Please, please, please make me feel….” She dug her nails into my shoulders and I almost lost my shit. Straining, teeth gritting, I’d fought to go easy with her. But the ravenous beast in me clawed out of the depths of my dark soul, roaring to fulfill her request. Immediately.

  Caving and giving her what she wanted, I increased my pace until I was slamming into her and she was grasping me tighter and tighter with her wet, slick pussy. With each thrust, a soft moan escaped her. Long legs wrapped tightly around my thighs. As her breaths became quicker, her hands slid up the back of my shirt and her fingernails scored my flesh.

  “Yes. Fuck, Poppy, mark me. Make me yours.” Little mewling sounds slipped out of her lips as she clung to me. The slap of flesh echoed my grunts with each savage push into her perfect heaven.

  Lost in the primitive rhythm, my cock continued to stroke her sensitive walls until she tightly clutched my length. Her entire body tensed in preparation for the pleasure I could see building in the thin sheen of perspiration along her face, the tightening of her grip, and the graceful arch of her neck. Proving I was right, it wasn’t long before she began to pulse and spasm around me as she reached the pinnacle of her release.

  “Oh fuck… oh my God, oh my God… yessss….” That was the best sound and feeling in the whole damn world. A crescendo of massive proportions. The heat of her pussy as it squeezed the fuck out of my dick paired with her breathless inarticulate babbling had my ego raging.

  That was all it took, coupled with one last intense thrust, before I threw my head back and roared as I exploded deep inside her warmth. Her demanding pussy milked every last drop of cum from my cock until my eyes damn near rolled in my head.

  “Jesus. H. Christ, Poppy.” I could barely get the words out through my clenched teeth. The aftershocks of her orgasm were too much for my overly sensitive shaft, but I was loath to leave her as I rode the endorphin-induced high.

  It seemed to take forever for my mind and body to come back to earth. Every molecule in me was zinging.

  By the time my muscles began to relax, I was barely able to breathe at a regular rate. Slipping out of her, I instinctively grinned when she whimpered at the loss.

  As I pushed myself up off her, the loss of her body heat left me bereft. I pulled my pants up without bothering to fasten them, then gathered her close and pulled her into my lap. Lips raining kisses on her head and shoulder, I had no words for what we’d experienced on that deserted beach. The silence was broken only by the crashing of the waves.

  “Fucking A. I don’t even know what to say to that.” The movement of her cheek nestled against my chest told me she was smiling at my confession.

  Suddenly I froze.

  Groaning in my belated brain function, I begged, “Please tell me you’re on birth control.” My head fell against her as I screwed my eyes shut.

  Shit. Shit. Shit.

  Being in a band as a teen, then in the Army, willing women were never in short supply, and I’d certainly fucked a few. But never had I not wrapped my shit. And I mean never.

  “It’s okay. I’m on the pill. I was clear at my last checkup, so unless you have something crazy, we’re good. I trust you.” In the aftermath of the storm that had raged between us, it barely registered with me that her voice sounded slightly listless.

  “Fuck no, I don’t. I was tested before I deployed and I haven’t been with anyone for the past year.” I trusted her with my life, but I wasn’t going to say that.

  My mind was still a chaotic mess, and I was still reeling from being inside her. Fuck, I’d never experienced something as soul deep as what we’d shared. If that made me sound like a pussy-whipped wuss, then fuck it. My heart raced, each slamming beat screaming that I was in trouble.

  How am I ever going to let her go?

  “My Derailment”—Adelita’s Way

  Truly, I hadn’t wanted to die that night. If I had drowned, I would’ve left my friends and family feeling like I’d felt. I’d just been angry and emotional. And a little stupid, for not considering I would be no match for the storm-tossed waters of the sound.

  As we sat on the beach holding each other, what we’d done began to filter into my muddled brain.

  I’d had mind-blowing sex. Sex on a public beach with Lucas’s brother. His twin brother, no less. The man who’d consumed too many of my thoughts. I should’ve felt bad.

  Though I continued to berate myself about how I should feel, I was actually far from any of those things.

  While sex with Lucas had been fulfilling, no matter how good it had been, it had never even come close to touching what I experienced on that beach with Levi.

  “That was just….” The experience had left me mired in bliss that left my brain like mush.

  The sex I’d experienced with Levi had set my world on end. Everything I thought I knew seemed questionable.

  My entire body was still trembling and tingling from the earth-shattering orgasms that had crashed over me like tsunamis. Secret parts of me were sore in the very best way.

  Was it the drastic contrast in feeling—of suddenly experiencing an emotion other than sadness? Were my demolished heart and mind simply making the experience seem like so much more than it actually was? Was it real? Was it my imagination? Was I putting square pegs in round holes?

  Attempting to process it was making my head hurt. I didn’t really have a logical explanation… all I really knew was he made me feel alive again. It was like pieces in a puzzle clicking into place after struggling with a hundred pieces to make them fit. It was an overwhelming sense of “rightness,” but in its rightness, it felt so damn wrong. Like someone was going to come running up to me, pointing a finger, screaming, “Jezebel!”

  “Baby,
we need to get straightened up and head back to the house before someone comes along.” He sighed. “Then I think we need to talk.” The whispered words against my ear sent a chill down my spine.

  Before we moved, he placed a gentle, soft kiss to my shoulder. Then we brushed off as best we could and quickly fixed our clothes. I felt like I had sand and dirt everywhere, proof that we had been out of our damn minds.

  Not ready to lose the brief escape we’d stolen, I fell into his embrace when he reached for me. Absorbing his warmth, I leaned close as he stroked my back. The waves lapped steadily at the shore, creating the perfect ambience to calm my racing heart.

  Whatever it was, I knew we couldn’t allow this to go any further than one time. Deep down, I knew it was so very wrong. People wouldn’t understand. I wasn’t ready to start a new relationship, no matter what my feelings were for Levi. But I would treasure the experience with him for the rest of my life.

  We were two people who’d been thrown together in joint grief, clinging to each other in a feeble, desperate attempt to find the barest scrap of comfort in each other’s arms. Out of sheer self-preservation, my mind wasn’t ready to acknowledge more than that.

  What I’d discovered in his arms was respite; relief in knowing I was indeed still living and breathing. The only bright, but tiny flame in weeks of darkness. A small beacon that shone to guide me out of the abyss I was allowing to swallow me.

  By all means, I would never ever forget Lucas or my love for him. But I hoped I’d be able to begin to heal. Maybe this was the first steps on that path.

  “I’ve got you. You’re not alone. No matter what, I want you to know I’ll always be here for you.” The warmth of his breath moved across the crown of my head as he spoke. My cheek pressed against his chest and rubbed against the soft fabric of his Henley as I nodded. Lucas had said that to me too, and yet he wasn’t here. Some promises people shouldn’t make.

  Levi had shared hope with me. Hope that life and the ability to feel still existed. That no matter how desolate I’d been, that vital organ still lived and beat with a purpose.

  For whatever unknown reason, I still existed while those I loved were gone. Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling me I had things to do and I shouldn’t squander the precious time I had; that I should live my life to obtain whatever small bits of happiness awaited me. Because if I was honest with myself, like in my dream, Lucas wouldn’t want me to wallow or succumb to depression and guilt. I knew that. He would want me to live. To honor his brightness with perseverance through this dark time.

  It was in that moment I remembered Lucas’s last words to me: “find love again.” But could I? So many questions swirled in my mind.

  Could I move past the guilt for what I’d begun to feel toward Levi while engaged to his brother? Was it too much to hope to experience another chance at love? Was it even possible to find love again? Or did we only get one love in our life and I’d wasted it, questioning my feelings when I should have been happy with what I had? What if I opened myself up to those feelings, only to lose that person too? How much loss could a single heart withstand? Could I survive it?

  One of my biggest fears was taking a chance again, only to find I was destined to be alone. It seemed I lost anyone I brought into my heart. My grandparents, my dad, then Lucas…. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to deal with that kind of loss again. The alternative was being alone for the rest of my life, and that wasn’t exactly a comforting thought either.

  It was actually a frightening scenario to contemplate. I’d questioned if I’d truly been “all in” with Lucas. I’d had reservations that I dismissed before I’d imprudently jumped at his proposal. Then I’d lost him. In the blink of an eye and without warning, I’d lost him.

  “You ready to head back?” Despite his question, he didn’t loosen his hold.

  “Give me a few minutes?” My arms tightened around his waist. I needed to absorb his warmth and solid strength for a minute longer.

  When Levi had said we needed to talk, my stomach had dropped. I was pretty sure he was going to tell me our interlude on the beach was a mistake. That it couldn’t happen again. Which was true. It couldn’t happen again. I could handle that. I was definitely okay with that. Sort of. Yes. Of course I was.

  God, my head was a fucked-up mess.

  “Take as long as you need.” Firm muscles shifted under my head as he spoke and tightened his hold on me.

  It was easy to tell myself it was no big deal. That the little lurch my heart gave at the thought of our intimate connection being a mistake to him was nothing. It was also easy to tell myself it only hurt because he was so much like Lucas, making it all a repeat of Lucas being ripped away from me. As if I was stuck in a perpetual loop of loss. And maybe if I kept telling myself all that, I would eventually believe it.

  Regardless of the what’s and why’s, I couldn’t let myself fall into the trap of having hope of anything more from Levi. I needed to guard my heart. There was too much against us—we lived thousands of miles apart, and he was the brother of my deceased fiancé, for God’s sake. Our families would never understand. All legitimate reasons this was destined to go nowhere.

  Perfect reasons not to expect anything more. Right?

  Reluctantly, I stepped away from him. Instantly the chill in the air wrapped its insidious cold fingers around me.

  “I’m good.” Forcing a stiff smile to my face, I didn’t meet his eyes.

  We stopped for him to shove his feet in his shoes. Then we jogged back to the house to combat the dropping temps of the April evening. The temperature had declined so drastically, I was honestly surprised we couldn’t see our breath as we ran. Coupled with the fact that we were still wet, I was freezing.

  “Dang, it gets cold here at night.” Grasping at anything to cut through the awkward silence. Anything to keep the yearning for a recurrence of what transpired on the coarse sand from entering my head and taking up residence.

  “Yeah. It’s the air blowing in over the water.”

  We climbed the outside stairs of the house. My feet tapped the deck as I bounced from one foot to the other trying to keep my blood circulating for warmth. That’s when it dawned on me that his jeans were soaked too—but he hadn’t complained once. Guilt over my actions earlier ate at me.

  Levi opened the door and I followed him inside. It seemed everyone had gone to bed; all the lights were off, except the one over the stove. Silence greeted us as we walked through the main level and up the stairs.

  He led the way to my room, waited for me to walk in, then closed the door and leaned against it. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he hung his head forward as he exhaled. When he finally lifted it, his bright blue eyes bored into mine.

  In his gaze, I read indecision, thoughtfulness, and finally heat.

  Jesus, he’s so gorgeous. So uncannily like his brother in looks, and yet so very different in actions. The longer I was around him, the more their differences stood out.

  I stood by the window with my arms wrapped around my waist as I watched the internal battle rage in his eyes.

  “So… ummm… Levi, I really hope you don’t think…. Shit. I don’t even know what to say….” Every thought in my mind was disconnected, and I was suddenly awash with self-consciousness and worried about what we’d done. The thing was, even though I knew we were probably wrong, the more I processed it, it didn’t feel so wrong. It was messing with my head and making me hate myself for wanting him.

  “Poppy, stop… just let me say something. I think you’re an amazing woman. You’re beautiful, smart, and sweet.” I sensed the expected “but” coming. Instead, there was silence as he studied his feet.

  Turning toward the window, I stared vacantly out at the night sky. Wrapping my arms tight around myself, I inhaled a fortifying breath. “Does it make me cold or heartless that I wanted to feel your warm skin against mine so soon after losing Lucas?” And, oh yeah, he was Lucas’s brother. Conflict. Straight up, emotion-t
wisting, conflict.

  A shiver rippled up my spine. Tears welled in my eyes.

  “No. It makes you human. Grief does crazy things to us and we all deal with it differently. But”—and there it was—“did you know I’d seen you before? I never mentioned it because it seemed insignificant over time. I’d gone down to see Lucas before I deployed. You came into the bar while I was with Lucas the night before I left. I wanted to go to you so fucking bad. Then Lucas went on about you and how he had a thing for you and had been trying to get you to go out with him. There was no way I was stepping on his toes. Especially when I was leaving.”

  Incredulous, I could only stare at him, mouth agape.

  “Then talking to you during our phone calls over my deployment, our emails, and seeing your pictures? Every single thing about you called to me. Drew me in. I love your laugh, your smile, everything about you. You’re amazing and you have no idea. Hell, I’m pretty sure I was half in love with you myself. So what does that say about me?”

  Trying to process everything, I pressed my fingertips to my closed eyes.

  “Poppy, I can’t help the attraction I feel toward you, even though I know I shouldn’t. You’re more than I deserve, and to have you because my brother died just feels fucked up. This is what I try to convince myself, but I can’t seem to make my emotions listen. I may go to hell for it, my family may hate me, but I want to spend more time with you while you’re here.”

  Wait. What? That wasn’t exactly what I was expecting to hear.

  Glancing over to where he still stood against the door, I saw him look to the ceiling before he pulled in a deep breath.

  “So where does that leave us, exactly? I mean, what are you hoping is going to happen?” Confused, I crossed my arms protectively over my middle, questions bouncing around in my head and heart.

  “Fuck, Poppy, I don’t know. Just don’t shut me out. Please. How about if you come with me to practice tomorrow? The guys and I rented a room at a small recording studio to practice and maybe record some videos of a few songs for our YouTube channel. It will give you something to do, and we can have lunch together. Goddammit, call me crazy or just fucking wrong, but I want to make any and every excuse to be around you.” Frustrated, he ran both hands through his hair, causing it to spike haphazardly all over the top of his head. It made me want to run my own fingers through it, and I had to clench my hands into tight fists to keep them to myself.