But I owe you, your mother, and John an apology. If I ever get the guts to come out with this, then the next thing I have to tell you will be no surprise. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to make myself do it. Not yet. I’m too greedy, I guess. Because I don’t want to give up the way you look at me like I’m the strongest, bravest, smartest dad in the world.
When I was a young boy, we had a scare where I had gotten really sick and they thought I might have cancer. As they were running test after test on me, they inadvertently found out that I was sterile. They believed it was a recessive congenital disorder, but the cause was never officially determined. I ended up being fine, I just had some weird bug that hung on forever. And the infertility.
God, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. In case you haven’t guessed, you’re not my biological daughter. When your mother told me she was pregnant, I knew there was no way the baby was mine. The problem was, I loved your mom and I wanted her to be mine. I’d seen the way she and John had begun to look at each other and jealousy was beginning to claw at my insides. So when she came to me with the news I swallowed the green-eyed monster and actually gloated inside. I married her as quickly as I could because it seemed fate had played right into my hands and I made the decision to remain silent about my truths.
Whether your mom and John knew he was your true father, I’ll probably never know. My gut tells me they did. I mean, look at you—you’re the spitting image of him. How could he not? But I honestly can’t find it in myself to hold a single grudge against them. Because, let’s face it, I was the real winner in the whole situation. I got Vivian… and I got you. In my eyes, I’d won the jackpot.
Your grandmother is forever on my ass to come clean with everyone, but so far I’ve refused. She was mad as a hornet at your mom and John at first because she felt your mom was just after my money, but once you were here, nothing else mattered. She knew you were a gift, too. She loves you as if you were always mine.
Please, Poppy—I don’t want you to be angry at any of us. Looking back, I believe we all made selfish decisions that we thought were the right ones at the time. Regardless of the reason or the results, we all ended up with you. I’ve looked at you as the greatest gift I’ve ever received. For over sixteen years, so far, I’ve been able to hear you call me dad. You’ve looked up to me and loved me as your dad.
Does that make me selfish? Probably, but I wouldn’t have traded the years I had with you for anything. If I’m gone, please let your mom and John—your father (damn, that hurts to see in writing)—read this. When you’re ready, that is. I know it’s unfair of me to drop this on you when I’m no longer around to question, yell at, or God forbid—hate. I pray that forgiveness finds itself in all of your hearts, even though it’s hard to be sorry for being what I always felt was the victor.
To Vivian and John, please forgive me. I love you all. Poppy as my own flesh and blood, Vivian as the love of my life, and John as the brother I never had.
Love,
Dad—Sam
Hot tears trailed down my face as I continued to stare at the blurring words. They’d been landing with soft plops on the paper as I read.
Thoughts jumbled in my head and feelings battered my heart. The letter left me feeling confused and slightly numb. Even though I already knew he wasn’t my biological father, reading his words broke my heart.
All the crap that blew up my brain after I first found out from Mom and John began to circle in my brain. Thinking about the choices they all made left my head whirling. All the what-ifs, the questions that would never have answers, the lost years. Part of me was thankful that he loved me so much and was such an amazing father. The other part of me was angry that I didn’t get to have that with John, too. Then there was the anger at my mom and John for keeping their silence.
None of it had really been fair to me, even though I knew they all thought they were doing the right thing. Finding that my dad, Sam, had known changed so much. Gone was the illusion of him being the innocent duped party.
I was thankful to get that closure. At least I wouldn’t forever wonder if he knew. Nor would I have to wonder what he would have thought about the truth. It seemed my life held more secrets than I ever imagined. Enough secrets to leave me questioning my life and my reality.
That was when Levi’s words ran through my mind. There was no use in dwelling on things we couldn’t change. This was where acceptance came in. Acceptance of my life playing out the way it was supposed to. Where I took it from here was what really mattered.
Thinking about my life and the choices people had made that changed the path of my life before I was even born was mind-blowing. Trying to shut off my thoughts was easier said than done.
Instead, I mindlessly shoved everything in the plastic tote, added a few of my favorite pre-pregnancy outfits on top to fill it up, and duct-taped the tote closed. Then I lay back on the floor of my closet and stared vacantly at the ceiling as tears trickled across my cheeks and filled my ears.
As I lay there, my eyelids began to feel weighted. The emotions I’d sifted through over the past several hours had exhausted me. Just as the sound of the heavy rain and shrieking winds began to lull me into slumber, I glanced over to see Lucas lying next to me. His wavy, long hair fanned underneath his head and his blue eyes bored into mine.
“Lucas, don’t be disappointed in me. I miss you so much, but I know I need to move on. It’s just so damn hard.”
“I know. Trust me, if I’d had the choice I would have stayed with you. But none of us knew the plan back then. There are no coincidences in life, and sometimes we need to accept that the events in our lives are part of our pathways. Even when they hurt.”
“Levi is so good to me. Even though he shouldn’t be. He should have been furious with me. He should have hated me. Instead, he tells me he loves me, and truthfully, he brings me back to life. I love you, but I love him, too. I’m just so afraid of telling him. It’s almost overwhelming, the fear of losing him too.” I knew I had to be dreaming, but I was enjoying the brief escape from reality. When his fingers trailed along the tracks of my drying tears, though, it felt so real.
Curling on my side, I turned toward him. His arms held me close as he tucked my head into his chest. Inhaling the faint scent of his cologne, I smiled as quiet peace settled within me.
“Don’t worry, Peony, everything is falling into place exactly the way it was always meant to. I’ll never be far away, but it’s nearly time for me to go.” Looking over his shoulder, he appeared to speak to someone else when he whispered, “Just a little bit longer?” Then he sighed and placed a kiss at the crown of my head.
Drifting off into deep sleep, I missed the hurricane making landfall in the wee hours of the morning.
“Break Stuff”—Limp Bizkit
I’d been calling Poppy’s phone nonstop since last night when she didn’t call me back. I’d dozed fitfully on my couch, but I couldn’t have said it equated to any real sleep. After around 1:00 a.m. it started going immediately to voicemail.
As I paced in my living room with my phone to my ear, Logan, Dominic, and Aiden watched my every move in silence. They’d all seen the news. Like true friends and brothers, they’d rallied to my side, waiting for news of Poppy’s safety and whereabouts.
“Yeah, John, I’m still here.” He’d switched to his other line when he saw it was his friend with the Santa Rosa Sherriff’s Department. “What did he have to say?”
The words he spoke took the breath from my lungs. “The connection was awful, but he told me the hurricane spawned at least four tornados around the area. From what they could tell, they believe her house and several around her are a total loss. They’ve been walking around where it’s safe, calling out for conscious survivors stuck in the rubble. They’re waiting for the K-9 unit and search and rescue volunteers to arrive before trying to sift through any debris. The weather is still bad, so it’s moving slow.” The crack in his voice gave away his own agony at the news. In the
background I could hear Vivian’s sobs.
Debris. Survivors.
“She must have left. Gone to a shelter or something. Right?” The voice that spoke didn’t feel or sound like my own. Inside, every emotion I worked so hard to control and keep on a tight rein was thrashing at the restraints.
“She wasn’t at the few places he checked so far. They have so much they are dealing with right now. He’s doing the best he can because he’s my friend. God, I should have dragged her out of that house kicking and screaming. I should have made her come with us.” A tremor ran through his words.
“Stop. Vivian needs you to stay strong. Don’t fall apart on her right now.” Easy for me to say to him when my insides were splintering. I was nearly three thousand miles away. Frustration at the massive wave of helplessness threatened to smother me. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t get there. The airports for miles around Pensacola were temporarily closed due to the vicious storms still battering the area. It was bad down there.
“We’re going to find her, Levi. We have to find her.” The sentences sounded good, but they lacked conviction.
“I know. Call me if you hear anything and I’ll do the same.” In my head I was screaming—losing control. Outwardly, I was stoic. Clenching my jaw so hard my teeth ground together, I ended the call and fought for control of my emotions.
“What if we start driving now? If we all take turns driving and sleeping, we could make it there in about forty hours. I mapped it.”
Swinging my gaze to the left, I met Logan’s where he sat on the edge of my recliner, phone in his hand.
“I spoke to Justin on the way here. Under the circumstances, he’s giving us a pass to take care of your family. He said not to worry, the studio isn’t going anywhere. We’re supposed to call him when we get back and we’ll go from there. We’re all in with you, if you want to go.” Dominic’s quiet input had me closing my eyes in silent thanks for these three men I called family.
“Do you mean that? I know it’s asking a lot of you guys.”
“Hey, all for one, one for all. Right?” Aiden’s reminder of our tongue-in-cheek saying when we were in Afghanistan together had my chest aching at the loyalty in this room. No, Logan hadn’t been part of our military brotherhood, but he was my blood brother and by default part of us. A single nod was my answer. “I put in a call to Maguire. He’s looking into things for us and he has Jaeger working his magic, too. My go bag is in my truck. I’m ready to leave when you are. I’ll even drive the first leg.”
“Fuck. Thanks, man. Are you all sure about this?” Nods from all three had me wanting to drop to my knees in gratitude. “I’ll be ready to leave by the time you two get back.” Dominic and Logan both shook their heads, and Dominic smirked as he looked down, then back to me.
“We’re already packed.” Rising from the chair he’d straddled backwards, Dominic moved to resituate it at my table.
“Jesus. I don’t even know what to say.” Running my hands anxiously through my hair, I tried to swallow the baseball-sized lump in my throat.
“How about you shut the fuck up and go pack?” The smart-ass reply came from Aiden, where he sprawled his big ass across my couch.
“Give me ten minutes, tops.” They weren’t the only ones who still kept a go bag.
In less than eight minutes, I was ready to walk out the door. “We can take my truck so we aren’t putting miles on your pretty new one, Aiden.” He chuckled at my good-natured dig at the shiny beast he’d just bought.
His laugh ended with him saying, “Mine has a little more clearance and I have a front-end replacement with a winch. Besides, she needs to be broke in.”
“Fair enough. I’m ready when you all are.”
In no more than another ten minutes, we were headed down the road with Poppy’s address plugged into the GPS, music blaring and all four of us locked in our own thoughts.
Sending up a prayer, I watched as Aiden pushed a button that had the hands-free system pulling up Kayde’s number then dialing him. Kayde had been their gunnery sergeant who had gotten out before the last deployment we all shared. I’d worked with them on a mission early in my Spec Ops career. He was a bad motherfucker. Each unanswered ring set my teeth on edge.
“Hey, Squidly. What’s crackin’?” Kayde’s voice filled the cab and I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“We’re heading down to Florida.” Aiden checked his mirrors, then over his shoulder before changing lanes to pass a car moving slower than molasses in January.
“I figured.” His voice took on a more serious tone. “The brothers and I are heading down tomorrow to help with cleanup. They’re expecting everything to have settled down by then, weather-wise. That storm surge was vicious. Not sure which did more damage yet, the storm surge or the tornadoes the hurricane spawned. Fuck. It’s a mess down there. Any news yet?” We all knew he was referring to Poppy.
Aiden’s gaze flickered to where I sat in the passenger seat. Squeezing my eyes shut then blinking rapidly, I fought for the ability to breathe normally. After he returned his eyes to the road, he resumed talking. “Negative.”
“Well, Hacker was able to trace her phone to its last location, which from the address you gave us for the house is where it was the last time it had power. So it’s either destroyed or dead due to lack of power. He said the grids were down over 80 percent of the panhandle, so it could be dead. As long as it’s still in one piece, he can still find it, but he said it will take him a little longer because of the route he needs to take to do it. He’s also working on obtaining satellite images of her house, but that will also take a bit to get his hands on it. He kicked me out of his office, so I’ll let you know as soon as I know something. Until then, tell Mac to chill and think positive.”
Hearing him say destroyed or dead nearly ripped my heart from my chest. Not only was it hard to breathe, but it was as if my heart had jumped into A-Fib. Fuck, Aiden better not have allowed his corpsman skills to get rusty, just in case my heart needed to be restarted.
“I’m here, and would you ‘chill’ if it was your girl that was missing?” The only response I got was him clearing his throat before I let him off the hook. “I’m sorry, man, that was fucked-up. I’m just not in a great place right now.”
“Roger that. And I’m sorry, too, Mac. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. You keep your head straight and take care.” With those parting words, he disconnected the call.
“Fuck. I’m sorry I’m shitty company.”
No one in the truck wanted to agree or disagree with me. Not that I could blame them.
“Bro, we get it. We’re here for you. Whatever it takes. Okay? Why don’t you see if you can get some shut-eye?” Logan reached forward from the back seat and rested his hand on my shoulder. With a supportive squeeze, he released me and sat back. Then the only sounds in the truck were of the tires on the road.
Aiden turned the music up a little and as I watched the miles fly by, I listened to the words of Shinedown. There was no way I’d sleep. Too much was churning in my guts and my mind.
Jolting awake, I wildly scanned my surroundings until my head cleared of the nightmare screeching through it.
When I realized I held the door handle and the center console in a death grip, I relaxed my hands and tried for nonchalance. With my heart trying to bust through my ribcage, I wasn’t sure how successful I was.
I’d crashed so hard, I’d evidently missed our last stop, because Dominic was driving. “Hey, sleeping beauty. You hungry? We got pogie bait when we stopped.”
Giving my head a quick shake, I scrubbed my hands over my face. The details of the dream were now gone from my memory, but my heart still slammed so hard against my ribs I thought it would break them. “I’m good. Where are we?”
“We just crossed into Idaho. We’ll be stopping in Boise to get real food. Unless you can’t wait, then we can stop at one of these podunk places to grab some chow.” Biting off a piece of a jerky stick, he held it i
n my direction. “Wanna bite of my Slim Jim?” He waggled his eyebrows as he wiggled and flopped the long stick of processed meat at me.
I swatted it away, the corner of my mouth hitching up. “Fucker. Get your meat out of my face.”
Snores drifted up from the back seat as Dominic laughed. Twisting in my seat, I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You should see Aiden. He’s all crunched up behind your seat. That big motherfucker has to be uncomfortable as hell, yet he’s back there sawing logs with his head using the window as a pillow.”
“Testament to a former operative being able to sleep anywhere.”
“Truth.” Smirking, I glanced back at him and Logan again.
You would never look at the giant of a man and think he could be stealthy or agile, but he was the quickest, quietest dude I’d ever met. And I’d met a lot during my years in the Army. Even though we teased him about being a squidly, he was a damn good man to have on your side. Not to mention, he was a hell of a medic—well, technically a corpsman since, well, you know, the whole squidly thing.
“I know he thinks we look at him as second best. You know, because we always talked about how we wanted Lucas to play with us. I don’t look at him like that. Hell, the man has amazing talent on the strings. He’s earned his right to play in the band. He wasn’t a fucking consolation prize.” I flicked my gaze back at him, then faced forward and stared out the windshield.
“Big dude, big chip. He’ll figure it out and everything will be cool. We have a good setup right now.” After that, we grew quiet, lost in our own thoughts.
Nagging worry ate at my insides. Leaning my head against the headrest, I squeezed my eyes closed. The unknown used to be the fuel to spark my adrenaline, but when it came to Poppy, I was coming undone. I needed to find my focus. Fuck, I’d handled worse than this. What the fuck?
Dominic grew serious. “We’ll get there, man. We’re going to find her.” Unable to handle the possible concern in his eyes, I looked out the window. For the first time, I spoke the thoughts that had been choking me.
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