I looked around and felt without a doubt in my mind, lonely and miserable. Why? I don’t know, but I just knew everything would work out for the best. Somehow.
22
Giving In feels so Right
..::Siddaleigh::..
At the beginning of August, I realized that when I broke things off with Konner a month ago, that maybe it was a bad decision. I wanted to see him. Date him. Do things like just talking or being with him in absolute silence. Before, we could just be together without saying a word. We used to talk about everything and nothing at all when we were younger. I kind of wanted that again. With summer passing into fall and school starting up again, nothing felt lonelier.
PPDS was celebrating her first anniversary and we were hosting a fashion show next month. Convincing Mags to come home from her year in London, was easy. She said she was coming in this week and she would also be staying at my place. Much to my happiness, she wanted to put some of her new shoe designs on the runway. I already booked the location so she would just help get all the details laid out and established. And I really needed my best friend.
Since she’s been overseas for a while she had worldwide connections. We were able to get some magazines here to view our designs. Even a few celebrities were going to show. It’s harsh, but sometimes it’s good to have friends who are totally loaded. I mean, PPDS had a website, twitter and Facebook accounts but Mags did spread the word out so well with her connections.
The one person I wanted to share in all this excitement with was Konner, but if I remember correctly, I ended up having my size seven foot crammed in my mouth. I wasn’t supposed to want Konner standing beside me. Or in his words, in front of me.
Since my brash encounter with him, he only tried talking to me once and when I put my foot firmly down to him, my mouth made room to accommodate my other foot. I really hadn’t meant or wanted to hurt his feelings like I did. The look on his down turned face would be sketched in my mind forever.
How can I keep my independence if I give myself to him? He was my whole world eight years ago. I basically turned into a shadow of a girl when I never heard anything back from him. I was supposed to just ‘get back on the proverbial horse’? Ugh. Why can’t I just be happy all alone? What do I have to keep me company? Nothing but my books. As happy and wonderful as reading a good romance novel is, this was not looking promising.
♥
In mid-August, things for me started to get a little weird. I got a letter in the mail with no return address or stamp posted on it. Like it was just dropped off in my mail box. Thinking that maybe it was just a neighbor or organization dropping off some new newsletter or brochure, I went ahead and opened it. It read-
Hope all is well for you. I miss our good times. Be ready to see me because I’ll be watching you.
A little freaked out by the strange note, I called my mother and reread it to her to get her opinion on it.
“Siddaleigh that seems a little weird. Maybe you should just take it to the police. You remember Detective Hindrons, right? He went to high school with one of your cousins. I hear he moved back from Austin some time ago or something like that. He was always a nice guy, maybe he can help out. You just be careful, Siddaleigh.”
♥
By the time mid-September rolled around, I began to realize that maybe everything so far has not been for the best. It sure as heck wasn’t productive. Not two weeks ago, my mother, Corrine, decided to leave my dad, David. Told me she needed a hiatus.
I insisted she stay with me. With a cleaner like my mother, I would seriously be grateful. No matter how long she stayed. I’m not dirty or that messy but sometimes my clothes just came off and got laid on a sofa or a bar stool. Yeah, I was a disorganized mess of disorganization.
My loft was seriously big, with three big bedrooms; my master bedroom, with a guest bedroom that Mags has already claimed when she got here, so my mother took the bedroom on the other side of the apartment. Which was good because I knew she needed her privacy and since I booted Konner from my life, I definitely needed my own. If I was going to wallow, I didn’t want her finding out.
Finding out my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer was hard on me and my sisters. It gave us pause as to why life threw us curve balls that were uncatchable. Konner, the strange notes, and then my mother. Something just had to give.
The way my mother talked about my dad, I didn’t know if she hated him or pitied him. My dad could really be obtuse about some things. Especially with my mother going through breast cancer and all the Chemotherapy, my dad tried to be there for her but she would get moody and they would start arguing.
I love my mother and I think everything that’s happened in her life must have taken a hard toll on her at this point. When her hair began to fall away, she didn’t want to go out, even to work. So we did what we did best. We went shopping.
We picked up bandanas, wigs, hats that complimented her and she felt better with having her own arsenal of hair accessories.
Now, with school, it’s been not so bad. I only need two more classes and I officially had my Masters in fashion designing. It proved to be a good distraction for me, and kept my mind off Konner for a bit. I would graduate next year. It was an accomplishment I was looking forward to and knowing I completed it all on my own gave me an independence I felt would make me feel whole. It didn’t help that I would have loved to tell Konner all about it but that whole foot in mouth thing kept me from it. I knew I was being stubborn; pig-headed even. Maybe it was time to throw in the white flag.
♥
Thankfully when Mags got here, I unloaded everything on her. She agreed with my smarter self. The self that said I should have not turned Konner away. I am still refusing to see the light. I am so stubborn that way. That part of me does have a habit of getting annoying but then Konner didn’t try to force the issue so I assumed he was getting over me. Much to my dismay.
My mother had been out with my oldest sister, Jeanine, and Mags busted out the cheap but oh so sweet and delicious Moscato wine and we sat having a girl’s night in. She thought maybe he was giving me time.
“Time for what? And HELLO! You were the one so six years ago telling me ‘exorcise that demon’ blah, blah, blah.”
“Yes, true. That was before you allowed him to do things to you, you can’t tell your mama about, baby-cakes. I haven’t even seen this guy. I wanna meet him. I saw what he did to you last time. You were absolutely heart broken. Then that Mike-astrophe and well, you know.”
We were on our second bottle and I was feeling just a bit tipsy when the doorbell rang.
“Ugh, I was just feeling good too,” I got up and started walking towards the door when I turned back to Mags, “Yes, I do know. Somehow though, this time I feel different. Of course I feel older. I mean it’s been eight years. I don’t want to rush into anything. He could get called away and I would not be able to deal if something happened to him. Am I stupid for telling him to boot it?”
I was just about to peak through the peep-hole when I heard his voice.
“No, ceann beag. You’re not. Please open the door for me.”
I shoved my face close to the door and looked through the peep-hole. I heard rustling behind me and next, Mags was pari passo with me.
Her whisper, “Let me see!” was loud enough, that I heard Konner chuckle on the other side of the door.
“Mags! Please.”
I tried pleading with her to back off, but she looked through the eye piece and her face got flushed.
“You ok?” I whispered in the quietest voice I could.
“O-M-G! He is hot! Damn, girl. Open the door. I need a close up.”
I put my arm on her shoulder and pushed her gently out of the way to open the door. The sight before was one I missed above all else.
“Yes?” I could feel myself trembling for trying to keep my composure.
“Do you feel the same way you did before?”
He looked straight into my eyes and I could
swear he was seeing into the deepest part of me. This was gut check time for me. Would I stand firm? Or would I give up what I need for something I want?
I could feel Mags’ stare on me and she turned from me to Konner, then back again.
“What happens if you get called away and I never hear from you again? Konner, I completely lost my shit over you. I can’t. No, I won’t go through that again. Your absence was like a vacuum into my lungs. I could barely breathe for missing you. Then the whole Mike crap. I thought of you every single day. Asking why? Why couldn’t I have gotten you? Was I that unlucky? Look what happened. You left, I ended up with someone who beat me and almost killed me. When I woke up, I let go of everything I hoped for. I am just not brave enough. Not anymore. So, yes. My feeling stands.”
I saw a multitude of emotions run across his face. Then I saw the one thing I never thought I’d see. A single tear escaped and ran down his face.
He nodded.
“Is tú mo ghrá. Always. I am not giving up. I lost you once. You weren’t the only one who felt like they could barely breathe, Siddaleigh. Just know that I am not giving you up. Not this time. And you’re wrong by the way. You are brave enough. You got a fire and fight deep inside you that only needs to be set free. Tá tú mianach. Go deo.”
With that, he turned and walked away. I walked out into the hallway and watched him leave. Something told me, that wasn’t the last time he’d confront me. My stupid brain told me I did the right thing. I didn’t need to drag him down with me. I was a mess and with the few letters I’ve gotten, I didn’t want him to get hurt. Somewhere deep in my soul though, I prayed he’d see through my stubbornness and just made me his. God, how I wanted to be his.
♥
The show was at the end of September and a week beforehand, Mags had called in another designer and former classmate, Candace MacDonald, who was a fedora designer, which is a technical term for hat maker, to join in. She was our age who sold her designs at art and craft shows and she did the occasional flea market.
Candace MacDonald, who had introduced herself as Ace, went to TWU with Mags and me the semester before Mags left for London.
When we all met up for lunch the first time after they got here, we met at PPDS. She said she was “in love” with the store. Since she was a size ten, she loved our designs.
I saw another friend coming into the inner circle. Seeing as how she loved my store, I am seriously seeing some potential. Anyone who showed genuine interest was always a plus, and we’d even been talking about showcasing her hats her at the store. She was enthused and we set out to make it official after the show.
For the show, we already contracted upcoming plus-size models to perform. That's one less worry on our plates. Thanks to Mags’ ‘trust fund’ connections, some major fashion magazines are showing up and a few celebrities were going to show.
The runway was meant to show people the real beauty of curvy women. That beauty wasn’t just a pant size.
Picking out the perfect dress was going to be easy; seeing as how I designed it myself. A black chiffon halter dress that hugged my curves and ballerina lace up three inch high heels made me feel more feminine and elegant than I have felt in a long time.
Konner had come by the store more than a few times over the past few weeks since then. A part of me was annoyed but mostly I felt myself giving in. I was that close. Every time he strutted by with those tight t-shirt’s and butt hugging jeans. Oh, did I mention the man did not own a pair with zippers? Ugh, those buttons begged me to pop them every time they got close. My libido was telling me I was a colossal idiot.
Just looking at him try to get to know the girls was interesting and I wanted that closeness again. He probably knew about the show and I figured right when he asked if I had an escort. That closeness I wanted, threw itself out the window and I bristled. Escort? As if?! Sounded way too gigolo for me.
I don’t need an escort. I’ve taken enough self-defense courses to do some serious damage if need be. I didn’t need no charming, incredibly hot, Navy SEAL Irishman trying to take care of me.
That surely didn’t stop him from following me home three days before the actual event. I didn’t even notice his car following me until I got in the loft parking lot building. I was seriously slipping with all the excitement going around. Even when I received a few more creepy letters, it didn’t get me down. I know I should’ve been more cautious but this event took up so much time, I put it to the back of my mind to worry about later.
When he stepped out of the car and gave me an eye raise, I just rolled my eyes and walked towards my building.
“How long you gonna dodge me, leannán?”
Looking anywhere but at his face, I just shrugged. I took the elevator, which he just couldn’t resist shoving his hand in the way to keep it from closing. I felt myself getting ready for our confrontation. When the elevators reached my floor and I stepped passed him and walked as quickly as I could to my door.
Without my permission and to my cold-stare in which he ignored, he snatched the keys from my hands and unlocked the door.
“Hey! You can’t just waltz up here and decide to take things over! You, you…ah! You arrogant, alpha, asshole MALE!”
My voice rose with the last few words and what did the man do? He just smiled, and waved his arm for me to enter.
Growling incoherent words, I stalked past him and thanked God my mother was at work for a few hours.
Konner grabbed my upper arm gently to still me and used his heel to shut the door. He whipped me around so my back was to the door, and for once the manhandling didn’t freak me out. It just pissed me off.
“Don’t manhandle me again.”
“You about done, babe?” when I refused to answer, I could see the steel hardening in his eyes. "Answer me, Siddaleigh Mare.”
I finally looked up into his eyes and saw a little irritation, maybe a little anger but a lot of hurt. It was that hurt that made my tongue loosen.
“I have been busy. You must know and must have seen, I am having my fashion show in just a few days. Prepping it hasn’t been all tea and cookies. Why’d you grab me like that? You treat everyone this way?”
He even had the audacity to chuckle at me. Now, I was getting good and pissed.
“Well no, banphrionsa, that’s just what you do to me. I want to be with you, you silly woman. I willna leave you to go by yourself to your fashion show, leannán. Who’s gonna take you?”
“Not that it’s any of ‘yer’ business, but I was going by myself. Why? Does the mighty Konner Patrick O’Brian have a problem with that?”
With that, I shoved him back with my fists on his chest and rushed towards the bathroom. For some reason, arguing with him was starting to make me feel the opposite of anger. It was making me hot. It made me feel alive. Like something was waking up inside me.
Konner beat me to the door and blocked the entrance with his hands spread out on the door frame. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I clenched my teeth in frustration and was about to rip into him when I opened my eyes and Konner swiftly hauled me to him for a quick hard kiss.
Then he nuzzled my face to trace kisses to my ear and whispered, “Talk to me, álainn. I am right here. Can’t you listen to what your heart is tellin’ you?” he backed away and I felt my eyes getting ready to water. So he continued. This time, at normal level.
“I know you’ve been miserable. I can see it in your eyes. The way your shoulders hang when you think no one’s looking. I pass by your shop as least once a day. Do you think I do not know you? Deep down? Lean on me, mo féin. I’ve worked long hours for m’dad and uncle, but it doesna stop me from making sure you’re safe.”
Konner slipped his hands to my shoulders and urged me in the direction of my kitchen on the other side of the apartment.
“This time, we’ll stop dodging each other and get to the heart of our problems. I am not leaving here, Siddaleigh, until we come to an agreement. Alright, love?”
23
Breakfast and Mothers
..::Konner::..
Seeing her sigh with resignation, I couldn’t help but feel helpless. I knew she was just as miserable as I’ve been this past month. Silly stubborn woman.
Whenever I could, I dropped by the store, and tried to get her to talk to me. Even if it was just to see how she was doing. She always closed up as if seeing me was a hardship for her. She had no idea what she was doing to me. It wasn’t just a hardship for her. Not being with her was causing me to lose sleep. To not be able to feel her in my arms felt like bullets being shot into me. I knew how those felt. Like a fucking bitch. I hated seeing her look so down and miserable.
In some ways I had felt like a stalker, always checking up on her, but I had to know she was safe. After what happened last time, I couldn’t let her slip away. Seeing her at her place a few weeks ago was like a sucker punch to my gut. I wanted her badly. Lust raged through my veins and seeing her in her pajamas made my dick harder than granite. Then she had to go and ruin it by mentioning what not finding her did to her and that whole Mikhail bullshit. I wanted to tell her how I looked for her, and I did, until we learned our system had been hacked into. It was impossible to keep looking at that time.
I had not been celibate in the past and I made it out to be practice for her. There was so many things I wanted to do with her. To her. For her pleasure. For mine. Teach her how to let go of her inhibitions and let all that sweet built up sexuality go free. The one night I spent with her wasn’t enough. God, I don’t think a life time would be long enough. Every night I went to bed with a raging hard-on and fisting my cock almost every second of the day was starting to kill my wrist. I came every time but still. Woman was driving me insane with lust. I wanted her like nothing else I’ll ever want and I needed her like my next breath.
Love Came Back (a Pyro-Princess Design and Style novel Book 1) Page 13
