On that day, I’d dreamed of standing beside him, holding his hand. Now, having been in that coveted spot—and tossed out of it, and pulled back in, and tossed out again—I had no intention of swimming back into that wave pool. Even if I wasn’t completely in love with Julian.
Julian. The pamphlet I now clutched with all my other books and computer was like a huge pill stuck in my chest, and I couldn’t swallow it away. With Jack gone and most of the students clearing out for their next classes, I collapsed onto the concrete bench and pulled out my green phone. He was probably in class himself, but I called his number anyway.
“Would you believe I was just thinking about you?” His happy voice filled my ear in less than two rings.
Tears filled my throat, stealing my voice. Somehow hearing him broke the dam and all my emotions came swirling out in a violent stream. “Oh, Julian…” Was all I could manage in a pathetic little wail.
He was instantly concerned. “Whoa! What happened? Are you okay?”
Nodding, I realized he couldn’t see me, so I sniffed and coughed and tried to get it together. “Hang on,” I whispered and walked quickly to one of the ancient water fountains in the breezeway between the buildings. The water was hot and tasted like metal, but it helped me to get my voice back.
“You’re scaring me a little, Anna.”
“I’m sorry.” I cleared my throat. “I’m okay. I’m actually good, it’s just…”
“You’re crying. That usually means you’re not good.”
“I just needed to hear your voice.” Every breath sent a pulse of pain radiating through my chest.
“It’s okay, Sunshine.” His voice was quiet now. “I miss you bad sometimes, too. But I was just there—”
“It’s not that—or not only that. I was just in class, and well… one of my teachers… my favorite teacher said… she told me I should…” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to repeat what Dr. Arati had said yet.
“You’re really good at building suspense.” I could hear his grin, and it made my eyes fill again. I loved him so much. “You should consider writing mysteries.”
“She wants me to apply for Junior Year Abroad.” That silenced him. “She has a friend at the BBC. In radio.”
“BBC,” he repeated.
Now we were both hanging on the line, listening to each other’s breathing. I knew he was seeing what I had seen in the classroom. Nine months of us being apart. Not separated by state lines, but by passports and oceans and airlines with expensive fares.
After what felt like a mini-eternity, he spoke again. His voice was serious. “It sounds like she’s giving you a really great opportunity.”
“Oh, Julian.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“You’ve got to do it.”
“What?”
“I’m serious, Anna. I’m not going to stop you from doing something that could change your life for the better.”
“Even if it meant we’d be apart? I don’t want any changes at that price.”
He exhaled into the phone and I could hear him walking. “We’re apart now.”
“But you can actually come and see me.” I felt desperate and angry, which didn’t make any sense. I knew what he was saying was right. “After last weekend, are you actually saying you want to give that up?”
“I’ve got to go. I’m in a workshop.” He was walking again, and his voice was still determined. “But this isn’t something you can blow off. And I won’t let you turn down an opportunity like this for me. You’ll blame me for it later.”
That pierced my forehead. “I would never blame you for anything I chose to do.”
“I’m just saying—”
“I can’t stand this separation as it is. It’s physically painful to me, but maybe you don’t feel that way?”
“You know that’s not true. I miss you so bad…”
“Then how can you even suggest I apply for this?”
His voice grew quieter, and I could tell he was trying to whisper. “I’ve got to get back inside, but I’ll call you as soon as I’m out, okay?”
With a sigh, I let him go. Then I sat on the concrete bench and looked up and around the quad. The live oak trees with their black trunks and heavy branches hung low in the dense heat. My limbs felt equally heavy and weighted down as all the emotions of the past twenty-four hours pressed in on me.
I knew what Julian was going to say, and deep down in a part of me I didn’t want to recognize, I knew he was right. Dr. Arati was giving me an amazing opportunity, and I couldn’t just dismiss it without serious consideration.
Everything was changing, just like I said it would. Julian kept insisting we could get through anything, but as the waves kept growing higher, I couldn’t help my growing fears for our untested little lifeboat.
Anna’s Private Blog: Fat Harry’s Fiasco
Thursday night again, back at Fat Harry’s with Rachel, fake IDs in hand. Only this time, there were no unpleasant Jack sightings. I hadn’t even seen him since last Friday when he’d shown up outside my ethics class.
Rachel was pouring her second beer from the pitcher and ranting about a prelaw class she was taking and a judge who’d been caught applying corporal punishment to prisoners, among other things.
“One year later he was running for senator!” she cried. “How’s that for going into the legal system.”
“Are you arguing for it or against it?” I laughed, taking a sip of my beer. My nose wrinkled, and I wished I’d ordered a Malibu and pineapple instead.
“Neither!” Rachel always got louder when she started getting buzzed. “I’m just saying if you have connections and know how to use the law, you can get away with anything. Look at Richard Nixon! OJ Simpson! Michael Jackson!”
“Are you planning on doing criminal defense or prosecution?”
She shook her head and took a big gulp. I watched as she finished and then cried. “Neither. I’m going into corporate litigation.”
“That’s probably for the best, considering Brad’s decided to relaunch his dad’s corporation.”
She exhaled a deep breath and leaned back. “Can you believe that? That was the first I’d heard of any of it.”
My eyebrows flew up. “You and me both! Have they been discussing it when our backs are turned? Brad seemed to have it all worked out!”
“I don’t think so. Julian seemed pretty surprised by the whole thing. But who ever knows what those two talk about.”
We were laughing when the song changed, and an up-tempo dance song filled the room. It was getting increasingly crowded with frat boys in their button-down oxfords and khaki pants, and that was usually the time we called it a night and caught the streetcar back. Tonight was different, though. Rachel and I both were happy and excited and a little tipsy. Our eyes met and widened, and we both laughed before jumping up and heading to the dance floor.
“Come on, Anna!” She yelled back, twisting her hips and moving her shoulders around.
I noticed a guy checking her out and wondered if I might ought to shoot Brad a text and get him to meet us here. That would probably mean I’d end up home alone, but at least I’d feel a little safer.
“Hang on!” I yelled to her before skipping over to the booth. I grabbed my phone and quickly pulled up Brad’s number.
Dancing at Fat Harry’s. Better come quick!
I was about to put my phone down when it buzzed.
Just planning to crash your girls’ night. Be right there.
I grinned and tossed the phone in my bag. She’d be happy to see him, and I’d catch a ride to the duplex with them when they left.
My friend’s eyes were closed and her long, blonde hair swished down her back as she danced. Rachel really had been one of the prettiest girls at our high school, and some drunk guy had noticed. He slid up behind her and caught her hips, pulling her against him, but just as fast, she jerked away. Eyes open now, she trotted over to where I was and leaned forward.
“Hate to say it on our girls n
ight and all…” Her voice was almost too loud in my ear, and I was ready to finish the sentence for her. “I wish Brad was here.”
“I just texted him,” I laughed, catching her wrists.
We danced together until the end of the song and she gave me a squeeze before going back to the booth where our drinks waited. The next song was slow and couples-dancey, and I noticed the guy she’d rebuffed making his way to her again. I was about to hop over and intercept when I felt a hand catch my wrist and gently stop me. Turning back, I froze when my eyes collided with Jack’s.
In a fast sweep, I was chest to chest with him, a strong arm slipping around my waist. His citrusey scent filled my nose as he leaned forward.
“Dance with me.” His low voice was right in my ear, causing an involuntary shiver.
“No.” I managed to say, but his other hand held mine, lacing our fingers. My heart was beating too fast, and my throat was tight. “Stop.”
“Just one.” His breath whispered across my eyelids. “We haven’t danced together since that night at Jesse’s.”
That night at Jesse’s, or more specifically, what happened after Jesse’s, was not the best choice of memories. My jaw clenched, and I jerked my hand away. “I want you to leave me alone.”
I was just about to push him away hard when I heard Rachel’s loud voice cut through the music. “Get OFF!”
Jack turned as quickly as I did, and we both saw that same drunk guy from the dance floor reached again for her hips. Our conflict forgotten, we were across the bar and at her side before the guy could follow-through with grabbing her again.
Jack grabbed his arm and spun the guy so hard, he almost fell. “She said get off, asshole.”
“What tha—” He straightened and frowned at Rachel’s defender. “What’s your problem, barfly?”
In the second it took Jack’s fist to rise, I’d caught it in both my arms. “Don’t! He’s not worth it.”
Jack’s forearm was clasped against my chest, but I still wasn’t sure I could hold him. I could feel his anger—I could see it in his eyes, and it was more than just some drunk jerk harassing Rachel. I didn’t have time to sort it out, though because Brad walked up and the entire situation changed.
“Hey, babe.” Oblivious, Brad caught Rachel around the waist, and she folded into his arms. “Sorry it took me a few. Had to shower after practice.”
The drunk idiot took one look at his competition and wisely disappeared into the crowd, but that left me inexplicably clutching Jack’s arm in both of mine. It looked like I was hanging on him, and I quickly straightened up and stepped away.
“What did I miss?” Brad frowned at me, and I knew he misunderstood what was happening between me and my former… whatever Jack and I were. At the same time, I wasn’t sure setting the record straight would be wise.
“Uhh…” I tried to think of anything that might make sense. “I was… I—”
“Hey, man.” Jack clapped Brad’s shoulder. “Where you been hiding out?”
“I’d say the same to you.” Brad’s expression remained serious—possibly annoyed. “It’s almost like you’ve been avoiding me.”
“What?” Jack laughed, but his eyes slanted away. Had he been avoiding Brad? But why? “I’m getting a drink. Anybody want one?”
I shook my head, and Rachel turned toward her boyfriend. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Her soft voice triggered an ache in my chest I tried to fight down. I wished Julian were here so badly.
“Looks like I showed up just in time.” He was still giving me a look like I’d done something wrong. Like he needed to watch out for Julian or something. It pissed me off.
Of course, it was a justifiable position after the way I’d acted all last fall. I’d been so caught up in Jack, I’d probably driven everybody crazy, but I needed Brad to know that had changed. Jack was not dangling me along anymore. I wasn’t sure what was going on in Jack’s head at the moment, but whatever it was, I wasn’t falling for it.
“Yeah, Jack was goofing off, and Anna was very cool about it.” Rachel gave me a look that said Be cool, so I held my tongue. “He’s acting weird. Do you know what’s up with him?”
“How was he goofing off?” Brad wasn’t ready to let me off so easily.
“Acting like he’s so tough. Anna kept him from getting in over his head just now.” Rachel hugged her arms around Brad’s neck and made a little laugh. It seemed to ease whatever he suspected I’d done—or thought about doing.
My stomach relaxed, and in that space, I could tell how hard it had been clenched. College had turned into a little more than a series of stressful moments lately, and one repeat offender was part of the reason.
“Yeah,” I tried to reinforce Rachel’s story. “He’s different now. Somehow.”
Brad exhaled and rubbed the back of his neck. He almost seemed guilty. “I should be doing more to reach out. Dad would expect me to.”
“Do you know what’s wrong?” I almost hoped he did.
Brad blew air through his lips. “Shit, I don’t know. What do I look like? A psychiatrist?”
Rachel had relaxed her hold and now only had Brad by the hand. “Well, I do know you just got here, but I’m about ready to take off.”
I couldn’t agree with her more, and I hoped she’d be successful in getting us all out of Fat Harry’s. Either that or I’d catch the streetcar alone.
Brad squeezed her hand and looked toward the bar. “Just a sec, okay? Let me see what’s up with him.”
With that, he was gone, leaving Rachel and me facing each other and hoping Jack knew better than to get Brad all riled up and into a bar fight. I was pretty sure he did, but after the way he’d acted tonight, I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t help remembering his story about beating up the teacher who’d hurt Lucy. Brad had helped him then as well, and a nagging little twinge inside me said Jack was gunning for trouble.
Rachel collapsed into the booth, and I slid in across from her still worried. “What was that all about?” she sighed.
I decided to try laughing away my worries. “You’re too sexy for Fat Harry’s.”
She jumped forward. “We should play that song!”
Shaking my head, I ran my finger over the table before dropping my head on my hand. “Too much adrenaline. I’m so tired.”
She scanned the dance floor quickly before turning back to me. “That guy was such a jerk. I was really glad Jack was here, even if he is acting like a crazy drunk.”
“He’s not a drunk!” Why I was suddenly getting so defensive, I had no idea. I felt like his father’s parrot from when I’d overheard Will saying the same thing to Mr. Kyser last spring.
“Okay!” Rachel’s eyebrows rose. “I was just saying what it looked like. Don’t get bent.”
I exhaled and rubbed my forehead. “I’m sorry. I think all of this is getting to me.”
“All of what? We’re on two weeks now of not catching up. Spill.”
“I don’t even know where to begin.” Part of me didn’t want to start because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. The other part wanted to get it all off my chest. “Dr. Arati thinks I should apply for Junior Year Abroad. She has a friend at the BBC radio—”
“Shut up!” Rachel’s eyes were huge. “And thanks for telling me. Do I need to find a new roommate?”
“Oh my god!” Shaking my head, I felt even worse. “I’m sorry—I didn’t even think of that! I’ve been so knocked out by the very suggestion.”
“But you’re excited, right? I mean, that’s a huge deal.”
“Truthfully? I’m kind of leaning toward saying no.”
“What!” Rachel’s hand slapped the table. “You can not turn down something like that. It’s an amazing opportunity!”
“I know, but it’s just, well, it’ll probably be super expensive…”
“And?”
My stomach clenched at the thought of saying my real reason out loud. I knew what she was going to say. I knew what I would say if th
e tables were turned.
Rachel wasn’t letting me off the hook, though. “And…?”
“And there’s Julian.” I said, squeezing my eyes shut.
She didn’t respond, and I dared to sneak a peek at her. Instead of railing on me for letting a boy control my destiny, her lips were pressed into a line, and she nodded. “It would be hard to be away from Brad for nine months. Especially like that.”
Relief hit me so hard, I thought I might cry. “I know, right? It’s not like he can just hop over and see me on a moment’s notice.”
“Well, he can’t really do that now.”
“But at least we’re not an ocean apart!”
We were quiet a few moments, and I glanced around wondering for a half-second what Brad and Jack might be doing.
Rachel’s voice brought me back. “What does Julian think about it?”
That question made me feel like I would cry, and my voice cracked when I answered her. “He wants me to go for it.”
Our eyes met, and never in our entire relationship had I been more thankful to have her as a friend. Understanding radiated from her to me, and I felt my nose warm.
“I seriously might cry right now.” I managed to say through a sniff.
“Don’t you dare, or I’ll cry, too.”
For whatever reason, that made me laugh, and soon we were both laughing. I blinked down, and a tear did drop onto my cheek.
Brad walked up then, and he frowned as he quickly looked from one of us to the other. “What’d I miss?”
I sniffed again and shook my head, wiping my cheek fast. Rachel answered him. “I know you just got here, but we’re wiped. Can we jet please?”
“Sure.” I heard the smile in his voice and slid to the edge of the booth when I saw Rachel doing the same.
After I stood, she wrapped an arm across my shoulders. “I’m sorry to be losing such a great roommate.”
I caught her hand as we walked. “See? That’s another strike against the whole thing.”
Mosaic (Dragonfly #4) Page 5
