There was room for him—but just barely. They’d have to squeeze tightly together, with Nell positioned between his legs. Crash forced himself not to move toward her. “Do you want me to?”
“No way am I doing this without you.” She inched forward a little. “Get your butt on this thing, Hawken.”
“It helps if you start out by aiming the front of the sled down the hill.”
Nell didn’t move. “I thought we might take a more leisurely, zigzag path to the bottom.”
Crash had to smile.
“All right, all right,” she grumbled, swinging the front of the sled around. “If you’re smiling at me, I must look pretty damn ridiculous. Get on the sled, Mona Lisa, and hold on tight. We’re taking this sucker express, all the way to the barn.”
Nell closed her eyes as Crash lowered himself onto the sled behind her. He had to press himself tightly against her back—there was no way they could both sit on this thing without nearly gluing themselves together. His legs were much longer than hers, and with her boots on the outer part of the steering bar, he didn’t have anywhere to put his feet.
She turned slightly to find that his face was inches from hers and she froze, trapped by his eyes. It might have been her imagination, or it might only have been a trick of the darkness, but he seemed almost vulnerable, almost uncertain. He smelled impossibly good, like coffee and peppermint. Her gaze dropped to the tight line of his gracefully shaped mouth. What would he do if she kissed him?
She didn’t have the nerve. “Maybe you should steer.”
“No. This is your ride. You’re in control.”
In control. God, if he only knew. She was shaking, but she wasn’t sure if it was because she was afraid of falling off and breaking her leg or because he was sitting so close. She could feel his warmth against every inch of her back and she was nearly dying from the anticipation of feeling his arms around her. Because that was the only reason she was doing this. She wanted to feel his arms around her.
“Let me put my legs under yours,” he continued.
Nell lifted her legs obediently and he set his boots against the metal bumper. She lowered her legs, resting her thighs on top of his, stretching around the outside for the steering bar. But it was no longer within reach.
“Move forward,” he ordered.
She didn’t want to move forward. She liked the sensation of his body against hers too much to want to move away from him. But when she hesitated, he pushed them both up closer to the front of the sled. Her feet reached the bar, and he was still pressed tightly against her.
He looped his arms around her, holding her securely. It was heaven. Nell closed her eyes.
“Ready?”
“God, no! What am I supposed to hold on to?” Her voice was breathy, betraying her. She couldn’t reach the siderail—his legs were in the way.
“Hold on to me.”
Nell touched his legs, tentatively sliding her hands down underneath his thighs. He was all muscle, all solid, perfectly male. She wondered if he could feel her heart hammering through all her layers of clothing.
“Ready?” he asked again. She could feel his breath against her neck, just underneath her ear.
Nell held him tighter and closed her eyes. “Yeah.”
“You’re in control.” His voice was just a whisper. “Get us started by rocking forward a little…”
She opened her eyes. “Can’t you just give us a push?”
“I could, but then you’d only have survived the ride. You wouldn’t have taken it, if you know what I mean. Come on. All you have to do is rock us forward.”
Nell looked down the hill. The barn seemed so far away, and the hill suddenly seemed dreadfully steep. She was having trouble breathing. “I’m not sure I can.”
“Take your time. I can wait—at least until the pizza-delivery man comes.”
“If we sit here much longer, we’ll be covered with snow.”
“Are you cold?” he asked. His breath warmed her ear and his arms tightened slightly around her.
Cold? Nell couldn’t remember her name, let alone a complicated concept like cold. “Maybe we can take this in steps,” she said. “You know. Just sit here on the sled for a while. I mean, I made it all the way up the hill, and I actually got on the sled. That’s a solid start. I should be really proud of myself. And then maybe by the next time it snows, I’ll be ready to—”
“This is Virginia,” he reminded her. “This may be all the snow we get this year. Come on, Nell. Just rock us forward.”
Nell stared down the hill. She couldn’t do it. She started to get up, but he held her in place.
“Blue,” he said quietly. “My favorite color is blue. The color of the South China Sea. And I didn’t really like the latest Grisham book as much as I liked his other stuff.”
Nell turned her head and stared at him.
“And you’re right, I’ve seen your FInCOM file,” he continued. “I helped gather the information that’s in it.”
She knew what he was doing. She knew exactly what he was doing. He was showing her that he, too, could take little risks. Maybe he wasn’t afraid to sled down a hill, but talking about himself was an entirely different story. She knew he never, ever willingly volunteered any information about himself.
True, he wasn’t telling her anything terribly personal, but Nell knew that saying anything at all had to have been incredibly difficult for him.
At least as difficult as riding a Flexible Flyer down a relatively gentle hill. If she fell off, she wouldn’t break her leg. She’d only bruise her bottom and her pride. This was no big deal.
She rocked the sled forward.
“I knew you could do it,” Crash said softly into her ear as the sled teetered and then went over the edge of the hill.
It went slowly at first, nearly groaning under their weight, but then it began to pick up speed.
Nell screamed. The runners of the sled swished as the ground sped past, as the falling snow seemed to scatter and swirl around them.
Faster and faster they went, until it seemed as if they were almost flying. Nell clung to Crash’s legs as they hit a bump and for a moment they did leave the ground, and when they landed, the sled wasn’t quite underneath them.
She felt rather than heard the giddy laughter that left her throat as they skidded off the sled and slid for a moment on the slippery hillside without it, a tangle of arms and legs, Crash still holding her tightly.
She was still laughing as they slowed to a stop, and she realized that Crash was laughing too. “You screamed all the way down the hill,” he said.
“No, I didn’t! God, did I really?” She was half on top of Crash, half sprawled in the snow, and she lay back, relaxing against him as she caught her breath, gazing up at the falling snowflakes.
“You sure did. Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah.” In fact, she couldn’t remember having been better. His arms were still around her and one of his legs was thrown casually across hers. Yes, she was very much okay. “That almost was…fun.”
“You want to go again?”
Incredulous, Nell turned her head to look at him.
He smiled at her expression.
He was an outrageously good-looking man in repose, but when he smiled, even just a little smile like that one, he was off the charts.
He got to his feet, holding out his hand for her.
She must have been insane or hypnotized because she reached for him, letting him pull her to her feet.
He released her and ran, skidding in the snow, to collect the sled, then came back up the hill, catching her by the hand again and pulling her along with him.
This time he didn’t ask. This time he got on behind her, holding her around the waist with an easy familiarity.
Nell couldn’t believe she was doing this again.
“This time try to steer around that bump,” he said, his breath warm against her ear.
Nell nodded.
“You’re in
control,” he said.
“Oh, God,” she said, and rocked the sled forward.
Chapter 5
“I remember when I was a kid,” Crash said softly, “Jake showed me how to make angels in the snow.”
They were lying closer to the bottom of the hill this time, looking up at the snow streaking down toward them. It looked amazing from that perspective. The sensation was kind of like being in the middle of a living computer screen-saver or a Star Wars style outer-space jump to light-speed.
This time they’d skidded off the sled in different directions. This time they weren’t touching, and Crash tried rather desperately not to miss Nell’s softness and warmth.
Nell pushed herself up on one elbow. “Jake? Not Daisy?”
“No, it was Jake. It was Daisy’s birthday, and Jake and I made snow angels all over the yard and…” He glanced over to find her watching him, her eyes wide.
“From what Daisy’s said, I’ve gathered that you spent some of your summer and winter vacations from boarding school with her and Jake,” she said softly.
Crash hesitated.
But this was Nell he was talking to. Nell, who’d trusted him enough to take not one or two but five separate trips down this hill on his old sled. His friend Nell. If they were lovers he wouldn’t dare tell her anything, but they were not going to become lovers.
“I spent all of my vacations with them,” he admitted.
“Starting when I was ten—the year my mother died. I was scheduled to go directly from school to summer camp. I didn’t even go home in between. My father was away on business and—” He broke off, realizing how pathetic he sounded.
“You must’ve been miserable,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine having been sent away to boarding school when I was only ten. And you went when you were what? Eight?”
Crash shook his head. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“I think it must’ve been awful.”
“My mother was dying—it was a lot for my father to deal with. Imagine if Jake and Daisy had an eight-year-old.”
Nell snorted. “You can bet your ass Jake Robinson wouldn’t send his kid away to boarding school. You were deprived of your mother two years before you absolutely had to be. And your poor mother…”
“My mother was so loaded on painkillers, the few times I was allowed to see her, she didn’t even know me and…I don’t want to talk about this.” He shook his head, swearing softly. “I don’t even want to think about it, but…”
“But it’s happening all over again, with Daisy,” Nell said quietly. “God, this must be twice as hard for you. I know I feel as if I’m stretched to the absolute end of my emotional rope as it is. What are we going to do when the tumor affects her brain to the point that she can’t walk?”
Crash closed his eyes. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to run, to pack up his things and go. It would only take one phone call, and an hour later he’d be called in on a special assignment, his leave revoked. Twenty-four hours after that, he’d be on the other side of the world. But running away wouldn’t really help him. And it wouldn’t help Daisy, either. If there’d ever been a time that she needed him—that Jake needed him—it was now.
And God knew Daisy and Jake had been there for him. They’d always been there for him.
Nell was still watching him, her eyes filled with compassion. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I shouldn’t have brought that up.”
“It’s something we’re both going to have to deal with.”
Tears brimmed in her eyes. “I’m terrified that I’m not going to be strong enough.”
“I know. I’m afraid that—” Crash broke off.
“What?” She moved closer, almost close enough to touch him. “Talk to me. I know you’re not talking to Jake or Daisy about any of this. You’ve got to talk to someone.”
Crash looked toward the house, squinting slightly, his mouth tighter than Nell had ever seen it. When he spoke, his voice was so low, she had to lean closer to hear him. “I’m afraid that when the time comes, when the pain gets too intense, when she can’t walk anymore, she’s going to ask me to help her die.” When he glanced up at her, he didn’t bother to hide the anguish in his eyes. “I know she’d never ask Jake to do that.”
Nell drew in a shaky breath. “Oh, God.”
“Yeah,” he said.
Nell couldn’t stand it any longer. She put her arms around him, knowing full well that he would probably push her away. But he didn’t. Instead, he pulled her close. He held her tightly as, around them, the snow began to thicken and turn to freezing rain.
“I remember the day she came to get me from summer camp like it was yesterday,” he said softly, his face buried in her hair, his breath warm against her neck. “I’d only been there two days when I got a message from the head counselor that Daisy was coming to see me.” He lifted his face, resting his cheek against the top of her head. “She hit the place like a hurricane. I swear she came up the path to the camp office like Joan of Arc marching into battle. She was wearing a long skirt that just kind of flowed around her when she walked and about twenty bangles on her arm and a big beaded necklace. Her hair was down—it was long back then, it went down past her waist, and she was carrying her sandals. Her feet were bare and I remember there was bright red polish on her toenails.”
He was talking about the year he was ten, Nell realized. The year his mother had died and his father had sent him directly to summer camp from boarding school.
“I was waiting for her on the porch of the office, and she stopped and gave me a big hug and she asked me if I liked it there. I didn’t, but I told her what my father had told me—that there was no place else for me to go. I didn’t really know her that well—she was my mother’s cousin and they hadn’t been particularly close. But she stood there, and she asked me if I would like to spend the summer out in California with her and Jake. I didn’t know what to say and she told me that I didn’t have to go with her if I didn’t want to, but…” he cleared his throat, “that she and Jake very much wanted me to come stay with them.”
Nell could hear his heart beating as he was silent for a moment.
“I guess I didn’t really believe her, because I didn’t go to my cabin to pack when she went into the office. I stayed on the porch, and I heard her talking to the administrator. Without my father’s permission, he refused to let me leave. Daisy called my father—he was in Paris—right from the camp office, but she couldn’t get through. He was in negotiations. He wasn’t taking any calls until after the weekend. No one would interrupt him. He was…pretty formidable.
“So Daisy came back outside and she gave me another hug and told me she’d be back tomorrow at dinnertime. She said, ‘When I get here, be packed and ready to go.”’
He was quiet again for a moment. “I remember feeling disappointed when she left without me. It was a strange feeling because I’d gone so long without any expectations at all. And that night I actually packed my stuff. I felt really stupid doing it, because I really couldn’t believe she was going to come back. But something made me do it. I guess—even though most of it had been shaken out of me by then—I still had some hope left. I wanted her to come back so much I could barely breathe.”
It was raining harder now, but Nell was afraid to move, almost afraid to breathe herself for fear she would break the quiet intimacy and he would stop talking.
But he was silent for so long, she finally lifted her head and looked at him. “Was she able to get in touch with your father?”
“She couldn’t get anyone to interrupt his meetings, so she flew to Paris.” Crash laughed ruefully, his mouth curving up into a half smile. “She just walked in on him with a letter for him to sign, giving her permission to take me out of the camp. I remember doing the math, adding up the hours, and realizing that she must have been traveling continuously from the time she left the camp to make it to Paris and back in a single day.
“It was so amazing to me,” he continued qui
etly. “The fact that someone actually wanted me that badly. And Daisy really did. Both she and Jake actually wanted me around. I think about all the time Jake spent with me, that summer in particular, and it still amazes me. They really wanted me. I wasn’t in the way.”
Nell couldn’t keep the tears that were filling her eyes from overflowing and mixing with the rain that was falling.
Crash gently touched her cheek with one knuckle. “Hey, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
She pulled away from him slightly, using her hands to wipe her face. “I’m not crying,” she insisted. “I never cry. I’m not a crier, I swear it. I just…I’m so glad you told me.”
“I would do anything for Daisy and Jake,” Crash said simply. “Anything.” He paused. “Watching Daisy die is hard enough, though. If I have to help her to…” He shook his head. “It’s raining—and our pizza’s here.”
It was. The delivery truck was pulling into the driveway.
Nell stood up and followed Crash the rest of the way down the hill. She put the Flexible Flyer back inside the garage as he paid for the pizza.
Unfortunately, her appetite was completely gone.
“Today we’re doing what?”
“Learning to tap-dance,” Daisy said, taking a sip of her orange juice.
Nell glanced up. The look on Crash’s face was nearly as good as the look on Jake’s.
“I don’t think SEALs are allowed to tap-dance,” Crash said.
Daisy set down her glass. “The instructor should be here in about an hour. I told her to meet us in the barn.”
“She’s kidding,” Jake said. He looked at Daisy. “You are kidding?”
She just smiled.
Nell drained the last of her coffee and set the mug on the breakfast table with a thump. “I already know how to tap-dance,” she announced. “And since I have four million phone calls to make, I’m going to excuse myself from this morning’s activity.”
Crash actually laughed out loud. “Oh, not a chance,” he said.
“You know how to tap-dance?” Daisy was intrigued.
“How come you never told me that?”
Tall, Dark, and Dangerous Part 2 Page 31
