by Carnal, MJ
The bitch is certifiable. What part of I don’t want to talk about it does she not understand? I take a deep breath. “I think Lex is a good man. I feel safe when he’s around.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t. You never know who you can trust. I just think it’s strange that the person who was hired to keep her safe didn’t see anything. He says he was making rounds. Don’t you think he would have heard something? You can’t tell me she didn’t scream. She had to scream. I can’t image the pain she must have felt. Do you think she knew she was going to die? She had to scream for Lex to help her. He’ll have to live with that.”
“Oksana.” My voice is harsher than I expected. It makes her jump. “I can’t talk about this. Please, stop.”
She digs through her purse again. Her whole demeanor has changed. Whatever she took has kicked in. Even the look on her face is different. I take a few deep breaths, reminding myself that Della would help her if she was here. She looks out the window, lost in a narcotic haze.
The limo stops and we get out. The sun has broken through the clouds, a ray of light shining down on all of us. I follow people toward the tent where the final portion of the funeral will take place. The men carry the casket to where she’ll be buried. They’re all composed, here with us but somewhere else in thought.
The pastor says a final prayer and they lower Della’s body into the ground. I wipe the tears from my cheeks, unable to take a full breath. The whole service is beautiful. The stories were full of love, the emotions were real and shared by everyone. I know that somewhere Della is smiling down at all of us, giving us strength and helping us make it through the day.
As the crowd begins to say their goodbyes, a breeze blows, making everyone stop and smile. I shiver knowing something greater is happening. The sun’s rays shine onto our portion of the cemetery, warming our skin and reminding us that we’re alive.
Harley smiles at the sky. “I love you too, baby.”
Chapter 21
Take my hand, show me the way.
Lead me to love and beg me to stay.
– Liquid Regret I can’t sleep. Every time I try, I dream about losing Mia. It’s Mia that’s gone and I can’t breathe. It’s the third night in a row. It started the night of the funeral and I can’t handle much more. It’s selfish to feel this way. I feel so fucking guilty that I’m happy I didn’t lose the love of my life.
“You ok?” Mia curls into my side and yawns. “You’ve been talking in your sleep again.”
I flip the light on and sit up. “It’s time to tell Joshua I’m done playing the game.”
“What?” She’s so beautiful when she first wakes up.
“If Della’s death taught me anything, it’s that life’s too short. I can’t live this lie with Oksana anymore. I can’t put my life on hold. I want the world to know that I love you. I can’t do this anymore.”
She bites her bottom lip. Any time she’s nervous, she starts chomping on that lip. It always makes me hard. I want to bite it. I want to pull it into my mouth and taste her. “I just don’t want you to regret it.”
I roll on top of her and suck her lip into my mouth. Her whimper is such a turn on. “The only thing I regret is living the lie in the first place.” I lick my way up her jaw and stop at her ear. When I whisper, goose bumps break out all over her arms. “I want to be with you every second of every day.”
My tongue traces the vein in her neck. I can feel her heartbeat hammering and I smile knowing I can do this to her. She’s the most beautiful woman on the planet and she’s all mine. I kiss my way along her collarbone and her back arches, pressing her gorgeous tits into me.
Her fingers find the waistband of my boxers. She’s greedy when she’s turned on. She’s always so ready for me. I’m a lucky son of a bitch. Her knees fall open, giving me full access to the promise land. My fingers run across the silk of her panties. She’s already soaked.
There’s no time to take anything off. I need to be inside her. I push my boxers down and pull the scrap of fabric away from her beautiful pussy. I need to show her what she does to me. I need her to feel how hard she makes me. I push into her in one deep stroke, her hungry body taking everything I’ve got.
“Fuck.” Her walls are hot, wet, ready to take every drop of pleasure from me. “I love feeling you soak my cock.”
I roll onto my back and pull her on top. Her body moves in sync with mine. She pulls her hair out of her ponytail, letting the waves of silk fall around her shoulders. She’s a goddess. Her hair runs over her nipples, causing them to harden. When she pinches them, I swear I almost come.
“Fuck me. Take everything you need. Ride my cock, baby.”
Her eyes hood at my words. Her hips start a punishing rhythm, pounding against my erection, making me want to explode. The sound of our bodies slapping together is music to my fucking ears. She’s drenched, soaking my balls and she hasn’t even come yet.
Her head falls back and I know she’s close. I can feel her swelling, almost pushing me out of her body. I reach forward and flick her clit and that’s all she needs. There’s a rush of hot liquid and I need to taste her.
I throw her off of me, yanking her legs over my shoulders and burying my face between her thighs. Her flavor explodes on my tongue. I can’t get enough. I lick and suck until there’s nothing left. Even then it’s not enough.
“I’m hungry, baby. You’re going to come over and over again until I’ve had my fill.”
She screams my name when I bite her clit. My fingers find her G-spot and she explodes again. When my tongue licks her juices from her gorgeous pussy, she grabs my hair and rides my face. It’s the most erotic feeling in the world. I can hardly breathe but I can’t think of a better way to go out. Suffocation by pussy.
“I’m so close, Damien. Yes. Yes.”
Her whole body goes rigid right before she shatters. My face is soaked. My bed is soaked. I’m hard as steel and need to fuck her. Hard.
“I need to fuck you.” I hardly recognize my own voice. I’m so turned on I can’t think straight. This won’t take long. My balls are pulled up tight against my body. I’m ready to explode.
I shove into her, my lips crashing onto hers. We’re both out of breath. Our tongues slide over each other, sucking, fucking each other with our mouths. We’re both so close to orgasm that I’m not sure who’ll let go first. It’s a race to the finish. I want her to win but I’m a selfish son of a bitch and I need to come right now more than I need to breathe.
My body moves against hers. Every time I hit her favorite spot, she cries out my name. I pull her up as close as I can so that my body rubs against her clit. Her nails scratch my back, breaking the skin and I couldn’t give a fuck. I can feel the tingle race down my spine.
Mia’s back arches and she screams. Her orgasm pulls me over and I explode, emptying every drop into her. I keep moving until we both come down from the most intense lovemaking we’ve ever had. I plan on doing this a couple more times tonight. Her body is my obsession. I won’t ever let go.
Max is sitting in the living room, staring right through the TV. Before I tell Joshua anything, I need to know the guys are behind me. Chance looks up from his phone when I sit down. I’m not sure where Harley is but I already know he’ll have my back.
“I need to talk to you guys.” I watch as Max shifts his eyes to me. “I want to come clean about Oksana. I don’t want to hide Mia anymore. It’s not fair to her or Oksana. I need to know you’re ok with all of it. I don’t want to do anything that will be bad for the band.”
“Go for it, man. I didn’t get the big deal from the beginning. Screw the label. Be happy.” Chance looks back down at his phone. “There’s always another gig.”
“Max?” I hold my breath waiting for his answer.
“How does Mia feel about all this?”
“She wants to be honest. But she’d never do anything to hurt you guys.” It’s the honest truth.
“Then do it. You don’t need our permission. Whatever hap
pens, we’re a family. We’ve got your back.”
“And if you’re in the line of fire for going along with the bullshit?” My biggest fear is that Max will face a shit storm for getting involved in my fuck ups. If the label lets me go, I’ll be ok. I would rather be with Mia than let them run my life. But letting Max take the fall won’t sit well with me.
“Dude, Mia’s cool. She’s good for you. Everything changed when she showed up. Let them say whatever they want. We know the truth. Fuck ‘em.” Max shrugs his shoulders.
Max is a mystery. He doesn’t usually say much. But when he does, its genius. Chance usually says too much, digging a deeper hole that he has to climb out of. Both of them are on my side and willing to fight this battle with me.
I’ve known from the beginning that Mia would win. It’s obvious to everyone that I’m a better person with her by my side. It was never a question that I’d pick her. It was just a matter of timing. Us against the world. The ticking time bomb that Joshua was trying to keep hidden.
I grab my cell phone from my pocket and dial his number. He picks up on the second ring. “Hey, man. We need to talk.”
I listen to him take a deep breath. He knows what’s coming. I don’t need to say anything else. His voice is tired. It’s been a wild ride the last few months. We’re all exhausted.
“Do what you need to do, Damien. I’m on your side.”
His words are what I needed to hear. This ends tomorrow.
Chapter 22
The beach has always been my sanctuary. Being at Max’s house this week has been heaven. The steps off the back of the house lead down to a secluded area of beach that looks practically untouched. I’ve snuck down here every night. No, it’s not smart. But I can’t help myself. I need to get away from all the sadness. I feel like I’m getting sucked into a black hole of nothingness and if I let myself fall in, I’ll never climb out.
I sit in my usual spot. A tiny stump stuck in the sand where my toes can dig in and feel the water’s caress. It’s my little piece of heaven in the hell that we’re living in. The waves roll onto the shore, soothing my broken heart. The breeze allows me some deep breaths. I wonder if Della is looking down on us.
The days since the funeral have been a struggle. Damien talks about her with me. Sometimes we laugh and sometimes we cry. She was a special person and I’m blessed that I’ve gotten to see how deeply her love touched Damien and the rest of the band. They’ve been writing again. The songs are beautiful and I can feel her spirit in the house when the music starts.
“Mind if I sit?” Harley’s voice startles me. He chuckles when I grab my chest. “Sorry, kiddo. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“Have a seat.” I pat the stump next to me. “I could use the company.”
Harley sits and looks out over the water. He smiles. “Della loved it out here. When we were looking for our house, we stayed here for a few weeks. This was her favorite spot. She’d sneak down here almost every night. Drove Lex crazy even then.”
“I can see why. It’s nice out here. The rest of the world just kind of fades away when I’m out here.” I smile when he takes my hand.
“She loved you. The first time she met you, she said Damien would be nuts to let you get away. They talked about you for hours. I gave him so much shit about it. I’d give anything to hear them again.” He shakes his head and takes a deep breath in through his nose. He sighs when he lets it out. “You’re good for him. I know things haven’t been ideal with the media and the security detail and all the other bullshit. I hope you’ll hang in there. I think we all need a woman around right now.”
I lean into him as he wraps his arm around me. “I don’t plan on going anywhere. I love him. I don’t think I could walk away now if I wanted to.”
“That’s good.” He’s lost in thought for a long time. I sit with him in the silence and watch the water. It’s therapeutic.
When he shivers, I can’t help but ask. “How are you doing, Harley? I’m really sorry about everything.”
He nods his head and his eyes fill with tears. “I want a drink. Every minute is a struggle. I want something to make me numb. Something to take the pain away. Then I remember Della’s face the night I got my one year chip at AA. I’d been so close, so many times and I’d finally done it. She’s not here to pick me up anymore. I need to remember her face. I need to figure out how to still be alive when she isn’t.”
I pull him into a hug and let him fall apart. “It’s one minute at a time. One breath at a time. It’s all we can do. We just need to keep moving ahead and figure it out as we go. No one has the right answer. If you get lost, just ask her the way.”
He holds me so tightly that it’s hard to breathe. I don’t dare move. I can only imagine that this is the safest he’s felt since he got the news. I haven’t seen him let anyone hold him. I rub his back as he sobs in my arms. I hear the guys calling for us from the porch. It’s dark down here and I’m not sure they can see us. It doesn’t matter anyway. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be in this moment. As Harley takes his first step toward healing, I take one toward being a part of this family. We will take this journey together. Whatever it takes, we’ll all get there together.
I feel Damien’s hand on my shoulder. I don’t need to open my eyes to know it’s him. My body would recognize him anywhere. He’s home for me. He pulls both of us into his arms and holds us. I take my strength from him and give it all to Harley. It’s a gesture I know they’ve shared with Della. She told me about all the times she held them both when Harley would fall off the wagon again. It was a gesture of love and that’s exactly what it is for me now.
Harley pulls away first and wipes my tears. “Thank you. I needed that more than you know.”
He stands and looks up at the sky. It’s a private moment between him and Della. It’s beautiful and heartfelt. When it’s over, he walks away and doesn’t look back. I watch him leave. He takes a piece of me with him. I hope it will keep him strong.
I woke up alone this morning. Damien told me he had something he needed to do with the guys and gave me a day to sleep in. It’s back to work tomorrow. It will be hard to get back into a routine. I know as each day passes, we’re one day closer to saying goodbye again. The rest of the tour dates have to be rescheduled and it’s where they belong.
I stretch and smile. My body is sore in all the right places. I’ve spent the last few nights making love to Damien. Neither of us needs sleep. I’ll sleep when they’re on the road. For now, I want to enjoy every minute we have.
He says he’s ready to tell the world about his engagement to Oksana and why the story was started in the first place. It scares me that he’ll look like a villain while she looks like a victim. She plays the role so well. I’ve tried to talk to her a few times since the funeral. We have nothing in common. Every conversation is forced. She’s way too comfortable living in the guest house. I don’t see her leaving any time soon. When she’s not all over Chance, she’s fawning all over Harley. It makes me sick to my stomach.
I growl as I get out of bed. She’s sucked so much of my energy just being in the same space. I giggle when I think about Damien coming clean about the whole charade. Where will that leave her?
Laney comes crashing through my bedroom door and I scream. She runs at the nightstand and grabs my phone. “I’ve been calling you. Turn on the TV.”
“You scared the shit out of me. How’d you get in here?”
“Harley’s home. Turn on the fucking TV.” She’s looking for the remote.
“Alright. Jesus. Calm down.” I grab the remote off the bed and aim at the TV. When it flicks to life, Damien’s face fills my screen. “What the hell?”
Laney sits down on the bed and claps her hands. “Turn it up.”
Harley comes in to see what’s happening. He laughs when he sees the screen. He sits on the bed next to Laney and puts his arm around her. “What’s up, Lane?”
“Shut up. Both of you.” Her eyes are locked on the screen.
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I can’t believe what I’m hearing. It’s like I’m in a dream. When I hear Oksana scream from the other room, I want to dance. It’s finally happening.
Chapter 23
The lies stop here, the truth takes flight.
I’ll take the chance and do what’s right.
– Liquid Regret I can’t believe I’m about to do this. Max gives me courage just by sitting next to me. The lights seem hotter than usual. I’m a pro at press conferences by now but this one has me on edge. My career, and the success of the band, depends on everything I say right now.
I clear my throat and that’s all they need. Cameras go off, reporters shove tape recorders a little closer, trying to be the first to get the scoop. I know they all assume this is about Della. But, it isn’t. I’ve made a deal with myself that I will keep living. She’d want that for me. She’d kick my ass if she thought I wasn’t going to fight to do what’s right. I can feel her with me and she’s pushing me to love Mia the way I need to. Not the way the label thinks it should happen.
“Thank you all for coming today. I know this is last minute. We’ve had a lot to deal with the past few weeks and this is my first step toward healing. Della was my family. She was the one I’d turn to with just about anything. Her death made me open my eyes and realize how short life is and if I don’t take the chances I want to, it may be too late. A few months ago, my name was all over the tabloids. I’d lost my way and made some really bad decisions. I was stupid. I take full responsibility for all of my actions. I apologize to anyone that may have been hurt by my carelessness. One of those women was Oksana, who is probably watching this right now and imaging all the ways she’s going to kill me when I get home.”
I chuckle when Max starts laughing. He knows her as well as I do. I know this is kind of a douche move. A sneak attack of sorts. But I’ve talked to her over and over and she isn’t willing to let this charade go. I’m going to try to make her look like a saint when I’m done today. I just hope I don’t make myself look like an asshole.
