by Carnal, MJ
Sean: I wish I was. Back next week. We’ll catch up then.
Mac: Yes, sir ;)
Sean: Baby doll, my cock has ideas where you’re concerned, and he’s making those intentions clear in the back of a New York cab right now.
I giggle at that. Playful Sean is always fun, but I’m glad he’s not in town. It would be way too easy to just jump back into his bed and fuck Daniel out of my head and my heart.
I can hear Kate’s voice in my head, like she’s here in front of me and reading my thoughts. ‘No, Mac, that’s not going to help.’ Noah is totally out of the equation now. I couldn’t do that to Daniel, and seeing them at the BBQ a few weeks ago, there is no chance Noah would do that to his friend either.
Argh. This whole situation is a clusterfuck. I’ve come to realize that Daniel is everything I had hoped Beau would one day be.
I know it’s stupid to compare the two men. I mean, they’re like chalk and cheese. And to be honest, they’re not alike. If I was the type to settle down, I’d always choose Daniel. He’s always been thoughtful and chivalrous, and whenever we’re together he’s attentive and seems to have this overwhelming urge to touch me.
But it’s more than that. It’s the way he strokes my skin, the random texts in the middle of the day just to say hi...it’s a whole of lot of little things that together, create a big thing.
What the hell have I done?
Even from early on in my relationship with Beau, he was never affectionate unless he was trying to get me into bed. I also don’t think he ever had a thought for anyone else except himself, let alone have a chivalrous bone in his body. Even when we were having sex, when he took my v-card, he was greedy and took more than he would give. As the relationship progressed, he seemed to get rougher, sometimes making demands of my body that I was not accustomed to, or wasn’t willing to do. There were times when we were living in Ohio that he would open his fly and give me a knowing look before roughly gripping my hair to control the depth and movement of my actions, even holding me there until he was done.
I look back now and wonder why the hell I stayed for so long. I was so gutless and naïve back then. I knew that he was out getting drunk and high, and probably hooking up with other girls, but not once did I actually take action to change my life. Not until that fateful night.
Since I’ve been back in Chicago, he hasn’t even tried to contact me, and for that, I’m glad. In the first six months I was back, I honestly believed he would try and make things difficult, or even turn up on my parent’s doorstep begging me for forgiveness. I mean, for all he knows, I gave birth to his son or daughter.
Chalk and cheese.
Water and wine.
Apples and oranges.
Imagine if I had met Daniel in high school. I would have had an instant crush on him with those brooding eyes and the hot geek glasses that he pulls off so well. He would have been hooking up with girls left and right. Maybe I wouldn’t have even had a chance.
On the rare times Daniel and I went out in public, he was always being noticed by women...a lot! I was proud that it was me on his arm, but as soon as I started thinking like that, I also felt guilty that our ‘non-dating’ arrangement was holding him back from meeting his princess charming, or whatever the female equivalent would be.
The thought of him going on and finding someone else, a future wife, his soul mate, a woman who could fall in love with him openly and give him the type of relationship he wants...it rips me apart.
And the more I think about it, the more I wish I could be the one to give it to him. Everything. The house, the kids, the white picket fence, all of it.
I think I know what I want.
So why does it scare the shit out of me?
By the time Kate gets home from work, I’m firmly ensconced on the couch surrounded by empty junk food packaging and halfway through a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.
“Productive day?” she scoffs as she pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.
“You said I had one day,” I mumble around a mouthful of ice cream.
“That’s right, so any word from the man of the hour?”
“Why would I? I hurt him, Kate. You weren’t there. I shattered him,” I say, gladly accepting the glass of wine she hands me.
“So what are you going to do, babe? Because I know you can’t lie for shit, and it’s written all over your face that this is not just a friendly breakup.”
“It’s just gonna take time. Soon he’ll move on and forget all about our few months of memories. I’ll just soldier on, concentrate on work or something. And I’ve still got Sean and Zander,” I reply halfheartedly.
“Mac, don’t bullshit me. You can’t go back to what you had. Hasn’t the time you spent with Daniel shown you anything? You loved it. You shined, babe. That man showed me what a great relationship can do for you. You laughed, you smiled, you screamed our freaking roof off on a regular basis.”
And with that, the dam breaks. “Oh, Kate, I’ve really fucked this up, haven’t I?”
“Mmm hmm. But don’t you worry, Mac. You’ll get through this. You always do,” she adds, topping up my wine glass. “Here’s to learning from life’s mistakes and fixing fuck ups.”
***
For the rest of the week, I bury myself in work. Kate was right in giving me one day to wallow and feel sorry for myself. Tuesday through Saturday I worked my ass off. If there was a double shift, I took it. Overtime? Sign me up. The more I worked, the less time and energy I had to even think about Daniel Winters and what he might be doing.
Was he missing me? Did he want to contact me? Had he decided to run back to Nasty Nikki and create the perfect life that had been expected of them?
See, what did I tell you? Free time plus thinking equals me wondering about Daniel and what he’s doing, who he’s doing, is he thinking about me, does he miss me? It’s endless.
Now it’s 5 p.m. Saturday and I’ve just got off the L after working a day shift. I’m dead tired after working way too many hours this week, but it has done me a world of good to get my mind off everything and to just focus on me. The ache in my chest has not eased though, and even on the small breaks I’d get at work, my mind would wander.
I’m a few blocks away from home when the smell of coffee redirects my journey inside my favorite café and towards the counter for a large white chocolate mocha. When I reach the counter, I see the barista walking towards a table in the corner. Being the nosy bitch I am, I can’t help looking around the shop. I freeze when I see Daniel sitting in the corner next to a gorgeous looking Nasty Nikki.
I know she has seen me when a smug expression covers her face and her eyes squint at me. She knows she has my attention, and dammit she goes in for the kill. A growl escapes me when she puts her hand over his. It’s not an overly romantic gesture, but it’s definitely one of comfort and familiarity, of someone who has known him for years and can’t wait to get back in there. This time it’s the bitch troll’s turn to say ‘Fuck You’ to me, and she’s loving every minute of it.
Fuck! I need to get out of here before he sees me, or before I go bitch slap her ass.
As I move to run out of the shop, I hear the barista call out my order. “Large White Chocolate Mocha for Mac!” he bellows, getting the attention of the room.
Shit!
Fuck!
Damn!
“You have it. Call it a random act of kindness. Gotta go,” I quickly say to the teenage boy holding my coffee as I turn and make the mistake of taking one last cursory glance towards the corner. When I lock eyes with his caramel ones, I lose my train of thought. Hell, I lose all sense of time and place.
I see him drag his hand harshly away from Nikki and go to stand up.
Being the coward I am, I spin on my heels and run out of the shop, leaving Daniel and my caffeine fix in my wake. I hear him call out my name, but I don’t dare turn around, and don’t stop walking until I’m safely inside my front door.
“What the hell hap
pened to you?” Kate asks, walking out from the hallway towards the kitchen.
“What do you mean?”
“You look like you’ve just seen a puppy die, Mac. Bad day at work?”
I sigh. “Am I that obvious?”
“Ah, yep. I thought you were doing okay?” she asks, quirking a perfectly manicured eyebrow.
“I am. Well, I was. Oh, I dunno. I just saw Superman and Nasty Nikki having coffee, and she touched him and gave me the classic bitch troll glare that told me she was trying to worm her way back in, and then I tried to run out before he knew I was there, but we locked eyes, and he called out to me, and I ran out and didn’t look back.”
She shakes her head and smirks at me. “Can you breathe now because I swear to God you’re gonna keel over if you keep ranting without stopping to take a breath.”
I giggle and walk over towards the breakfast bar where she’s sitting. “Drinks, lots of them, tonight?” I say, resting my head on her shoulder and snuggling into her side.
“Abso-fucking-lutely. And I’m dateless tonight, so it’s just you and me, old school girls night out!” she says excitedly.
Perfect. A night out with my best friend. Getting dressed up, dancing, copious amounts of liquor and mindless flirting that isn’t going to lead anywhere. The perfect antidote to a confused heart.
I go for an ‘easy to wear when drunk’ outfit. Skinny jeans, high-heeled boots (maybe not so great when drunk, but they look hot), and a sparkly silver one shoulder top that accentuates the ‘girls’ and is great for dancing in.
After a bottle of wine between us and dancing around our living room to MTV’s dance hits marathon, we’re dressed to the nines and ready to hit the town. I’ve told Kate I don’t want to go to the club because I know if I ran into Sean right now, I’d do more than hump his leg. I’d mount him like a prize pony and ride him all night long. So we’re at 42nd Street Bar, the bar where Daniel met me for our first date. Dammit, can’t I ever stop thinking about the guy? He’s just a guy, a great guy, but not my guy.
Not anymore.
I hook my arm into Kate’s, and we plant ourselves on a couple of bar stools at the left hand side of the bar. She orders us a tequila shot each with a Cosmo chaser. Holy hell, I guess we’re not taking it slow tonight.
“You trying to get me drunk?” I ask with a giggle.
“You betcha. Drunk Mac equals relaxed, carefree Mac, and that’s what you need right now. So as your best ho from another bro, I’m rising to the challenge.” She winks at me, and I know that I’m gonna be messy by night’s end.
Perfect!
Three shots and three Cosmos in, and I’m in my happy clappy place. The music’s pumping, Kate and I can’t stop laughing as she tells me about her latest dating disaster. The guy actually itemized the dinner bill, then split the tip with her before saying she had to leave because his mom was coming to pick him up. Real winner right there.
“Let’s dance!” Kate shouts at me over the music.
I nod and grab her hand as we head towards the dance floor. I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket, but I ignore it. Whoever it is can wait. Tonight, it’s girl’s night, no penises allowed, arranged or otherwise.
‘Waiting All Night’ by Rudimental comes on and I can’t help but dance. The dance floor fills up fast, and as I start to move I feel free from everything, so I dance. I shake my booty and move my hips, the music flowing through me like a crashing wave.
A few songs later, I feel two firm hands grip my hips as a Calvin Harris track about needing someone’s love blasts around us.
Too far gone to react, I keep dancing. Kate’s eyes are all knowing as she smiles at whoever it is behind me. That means she must know them, but I know it’s not who I want it to be, so I don’t turn my head around to see. This night out is to forget about him, and that’s what I’m trying to do.
I lose myself. I dance, I gyrate, I move back into the stranger’s arms until I feel his pelvis push up against my ass as we continue to move together to the beat. The unmistakable feeling of his hard length feeling surprisingly good against me.
“I knew I’d recognized your ass when I walked in,” a husky and downright sexy voice murmurs in my ear before he trails a line of kisses down my neck.
Slumping my body against him, he slides one firm arm around my stomach while the other trails up and brushes my breasts lightly.
“Zander,” I breathe out.
“Yeah, babe, I got you.”
He feels so good against me. I’ve always been a touchy feely person when I have a few drinks under my belt, but this past week without Daniel has wreaked havoc on my emotions. I could do this, just lose myself in Zander. The familiarity between us is comforting. Maybe that’s what I need.
The song ends and I’m snapped out of my haze.
Zander pulls away and places his hand on the small of my back. “Let’s go get a drink, shall we.” His voice gives away the effect our dancing has had on him. The fun, playful Zander is currently being overshadowed by hard, horny Zander and deep down, I love being able to have that effect on him.
After leading us to an empty table, Zander disappears towards the bar to get the next round of drinks. My head is starting to spin, my body is warm, and I’m in a happier place than I was earlier this afternoon.
“I swear to God, Mac, if you weren’t already doing him, I would be All. Over. That,” Kate says, seemingly unable to tear her eyes away from Zander’s tight ass as it walks away.
“Kate,” I giggle. Yes, alcohol and Mac equals giggles. “He’s not mine. If you like Zander, you should go for it.”
“Eww. Sloppy seconds much?”
“You know it’s not like that. He’s not mine, none of them are mine.”
“I need a hell of a lot more drinks to even talk about this with you.” She smiles at me with her butter wouldn’t melt grin and looks over my shoulder. Her eyes give her away, and I immediately know that Zander’s on his way back to us.
“Behave,” I growl at her, just as he pulls a seat closer to me and sits down.
“Hey,” Kate says, alerting me to Zander’s return.
“Hey,” he says as he leans over and gives me a kiss on the lips before I can pull away.
He frowns at me when he sees my attempted retreat. “You okay?” he whispers.
“Happy as a clam and drunk as a skunk!” I holler, which just makes him smirk at me.
“So, no gigs tonight?” Kate asks Zander, leaning forward to put her low cut top on show for him, a move I know he doesn’t miss as his eyes travel quickly up from her cleavage to her face when he realizes she is waiting for his answer.
“Nah. I had a bachelorette party earlier on, but now I’m off for the night. Just stopped in here to see my roommate who is working the bar, and I saw you gorgeous girls heading off towards the dance floor so I couldn’t resist joining you.”
I grin over at him as I take a sip of the drink he’s put in front of me. Now at this point, I know I’m drunk, and in a great place, but I’ve been so busy teasing Kate that I didn’t realize what Zander ordered me - a drink that I really don’t want.
Yep, that fruit punch party in my mouth is back, and it tastes just as good as the first time I had it in this same bar all those weeks ago. Dammit, I can’t even go an hour without thinking about him. I’m screwed, and not in a nice way.
“I got you both a sex on the beach. I couldn’t resist,” he says, grinning over at me.
I nod my head and continue drinking, wishing that I could straight line 100 proof into my blood stream.
“So what was up the other night, Mac? What had you so busy you couldn’t meet up?” Zander leans back in his chair, putting his taut body on perfect display. He’s wearing a short sleeved black shirt that is tight in all the right places, and a pair of dark grey jeans that hug his thighs like a child hugs its mama. My inner Mac is squealing in anticipation, and just the sight of him sitting so close to me, knowing that I could have those thighs rubbing inside mine w
hile he’s deep inside me has me clenching my legs together. But inner Mac is a little slutty when she’s drunk, and I’m snapped out of my mindless ogling by Kate clearing her throat, and Zander’s deep chuckle at my side.
Shaking my head a little, I grin at them. “Sorry, what did I miss?”
“You’re so obvious, Mac,” Kate admonishes me, but her smirk totally gives her away. The way she’s been shooting puppy dog eyes at Zander all night, I’m starting to think I should hook those two up.
“Ooh, I know! Let’s play a drinking game. It’s called, what can’t you do? We each say something that we can’t do, and if someone else can do it, everyone else drinks. What do you say?” I ask, looking between them both.
Kate nods her head eagerly, and Zander just grins at me.
“Sounds good, babe.”
“Okay. I’ll start,” I say, standing up and stumbling a bit, causing Zander to grab me around my hips to stop me falling over. “Okay, I can’t touch my nose with my tongue.” I try to demonstrate and fail, collapsing in a fit of giggles which starts Kate off.
“You know I’m all over that, Mac.” Zander leans back and with ease, pokes his tongue out and easily reaches his nose, earning a loud cheer from Kate and I. “You have to drink, ladies.”
We both take a long swig of our drinks, and I sit back down. “Kate, you’re turn,” I say with a grin, waiting to see if she’s going to make this game interesting. Knowing my best friend, she’s never one to miss an opportunity.
“Okay. I can’t…touch my elbows together behind my back.”
Zander looks clueless. “Ah okay. I’ll give it a go.” He stands up and tries to reach his arms back, but his biceps make it impossible to get even close. I crack up laughing because he looks ridiculous.
“My turn, my turn,” I interject as a stand up, a little steadier this time. “C’mon, Kate, I know for a fact you can do this.”
She giggles and stands up on the other side of the table. “Okay, you got me. Let’s show the man how it’s done.”
I stick my chest out, trying hard to bring my elbows together and giggling when I look down and see that my boobs are pushed out on display in front of him. Watching Kate, she’s doing the same thing. Her D cups out and proud and in Zander’s direct line of sight. I look down at him, and his eyes have gone wide as he looks between Kate and I. He looks like a kid at Christmas, not knowing which present to open first.
