by Carnal, MJ
“So, dipshit. Talk. What the fuck possessed you to turn everything ass backwards and make what I’m sure is one of the biggest mistakes of your life?” She glares at me.
That’s exactly what I did. I turned everything, what did she say, ass backwards? All Lynae was trying to do was get me to open up and talk, and I went and got stupid drunk and took things out on her. What can I say to her? “I fucked up. I think that's about all I can say. Lynae and I had a fight. She didn’t do anything wrong, but I didn’t give her a chance to explain. Then I tried to bulldoze my way back in and made things worse. She tried to get me to explain what my problem was, but I pushed her away. I went out, knocked way too many back and then, like the complete ass that I am, I made more out of what I thought I saw. And I... I said things to her that I shouldn’t have.”
“Yeah. She told us about what you said about Matt.” Gabbi smacks me across the chest. “I didn’t know about all that shit before today. You should have fucking known she didn’t ask for it! Hell, you were the first man she let within ten feet of her other than patients, coworkers, or Sly!”
My back stiffens just at the thought of Matt touching her. I really want to kick the shit out of my own ass for what I said to her. “I know that! I was fucking drunk and pissed,” I growl but calm myself down when I see Gabbi jerk back at my forceful retort.
“I can see why she’s scared of you right now,” she hisses back.
Holding my hand up, I look at Gabbi. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. She just makes me so crazy. I feel helpless right now. I’m the reason she’s lying in that damn hospital bed, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“There is something you can do about it. You can get your shit together. Grow some balls and be honest with yourself and her about whatever the hell had you acting like a fucking lunatic.” Gabbi stands up and looks down at me with her hands on her hips. “I may be royally pissed at you, but I know that you love my girl more than anything. I can see it in your eyes, but you aren’t going to be any good for her unless you fix yourself.”
“Thanks, Gabbi. You don’t have to stay out here. I’m sure Wade will be back soon.” I try to dismiss her. This is what I do. I push people away. Wade and the guys are the only ones that know everything about my past. Hell, Wade and Marcus were there when it all went down.
Luckily, Gabbi takes the hint. She smiles at me, then turns to grab her purse before heading back to Wade’s room. “I’ll always be here if you need to talk, Connor. Anytime.” Gabbi calls out before shutting the door behind her.
After everything, she tells me that she’s here for me. I can’t believe it. I’m glad to have her on my side. I have a feeling I’ll need all the help I can get to try and win back Lynae’s love and trust. I can’t live without her. She is my life. I know I probably need to give Lynae some time to recover and let her mind wrap around everything happening right now, but I can’t help myself. I don’t expect her to answer her phone. Hell, I don’t even know where her phone is right now, but I have to reach out to her.
Me: Sweetness, I will always love you. I will always need you. Always. Forgive me.
Chapter Four
Lynae
“There’s my baby girl.” Daddy’s voice is thick with emotion when he walks in the room. “Michelle, can you give us a little bit of privacy?”
Michelle hugs me gently again, kissing me on the cheek. “I’ll be back after dinner, Lynae. I love you.” She gets up then walks into Daddy’s open arms. “Love you too, John.”
Daddy hugs her and kisses the top of her head before she walks out of the room. He stands there staring at me. I’m afraid of what's going through his head. What has Dr. Greene told him other than I’m awake? I don’t want to disappoint him, but I’m afraid I have. “Hi, Daddy.” My voice sounds small. His gaze on me makes me feel like I’m a little girl again.
“Hi, baby.” Daddy walks over and gently sits on the side of my bed, placing his hand on my knee over the blankets. “I was so worried about you.”
I see tears about to fall from Daddy’s eyes, and I can’t help but throw myself into his arms and hold him tightly to me despite the pain in my ribs. I bury my face in his neck and inhale deeply. Daddy always smells so good. It’s a sweet and musky scent that is just him. He smells like my daddy. His big, strong hands come around to cup the back of my head and hug me back. “I’m so sorry, Daddy. I’m so sorry.” My voice is muffled by his shoulder.
“Honey, what are you sorry about?” He takes my shoulders in his hands and pushes me back so he can look at me. “There is nothing to apologize for. I am so happy you’re awake. You scared me to death. Don’t ever do that to me again. This old heart can’t take it. And if you’re here in the hospital, who is gonna take care of me?”
I muster a smile. Perhaps the first one I’ve had since I woke up this morning. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, baby girl.” Daddy cups my face, his thumb stroking along my cheekbone. “You look so much like your mother.”
I do look like Momma. I have her eyes and smile. He tells me this all the time. Especially when he is feeling really emotional about something. I’m sure I am what he is feeling emotional about right now.
Daddy pulls his hand back and regards me intently. “I’ve talked with Dr. Greene. He told me a little bit about what happened with Connor this morning. And he told me about the baby.”
I recoil at the mention of Connor’s name. Daddy seems really calm about all of this. I don’t get it. I was half expecting him to come barging in, guns blazing with his fury, not this calm and collected man in front of me. I sag back onto my pillow and look into Daddy’s eyes, still waiting to see the disappointment.
“Honey, where is Connor? I really expected him to be here when I got here. He hasn’t left your side the last two days, except when I came in or Sly was around.”
I get it now. He doesn’t know about the fight. He doesn’t know about why I’m in here. “I made him leave. I couldn’t look at him anymore.” I turn my face down and fidget with my fingers. “I’m so confused, Daddy.”
“Kara Lynae, what happened?” His voice takes on a stern tone. He senses my unease and knows that something is going on. “Did Connor do something? Did he hurt you?”
I nod my head up and down. He did hurt me, but not really physically. I feel the ache in my chest as if there's a knife slicing through me, but that’s not a physical hurt. How can I tell my father that Connor accused me of sleeping with Sly and actually wanting what happened with Matt? I know Daddy knows that it isn’t the truth, but the more I say the words out loud, the more I see Connor’s face in my mind as he was saying all of those awful things. He looked like a stranger to me.
I tell him about our first argument the night Connor had gone out drinking and found me asleep on the couch with my legs in Seth’s lap and his attempt at reconciling with me in the break room. Although I leave out some parts; he doesn’t need to know about me almost having sex on the floor. I tell him about Connor and Michelle finding me passed out in the bath tub and the intense talk afterwards. God, if I hadn’t pushed or if Connor would have just talked to me about what was bothering him, all of this could have been avoided. I know it has to have something to do with Kaitlin or his parents. The only other time he'd gotten so upset with me was when I overheard him talking to Wade about her birthday.
When I get to our massive fight at the top of the steps of Connor’s apartment, he looks like he is practically vibrating with anger. I know Daddy blames himself for a lot of my withdrawal from social situations growing up because he didn’t pick up on what happed with Matt, and now that it was being thrown back in my face, he could rip someone apart. That someone being one Connor Reeves. “Daddy, he didn’t push me. I really did fall.” I know that it sounds like I’m defending him, but as much as I hate Connor for what he said, I know that he would absolutely never physically hurt me on purpose.
“I could have lost you. You are all I have left. I ca
n’t handle losing you too.” His voice is thick with unshed tears. “You are my world, Kara Lynae. My entire world.”
I look up at the man I most admire. “You didn’t lose me, Daddy. I’m right here. I may be a little broken right now, but I know I will put myself back together again. Are you mad about the baby?”
“I wish the circumstances were a bit different, and that the father wasn’t someone I want to do serious bodily damage to right, now, but how could I be mad about having another part of you come into this world?” Daddy says, gently placing his hand over mine, resting on my belly. “I’ll be having a word with Connor, trust me. He needs to take responsibility for his child, and I need to find out exactly what the hell his problem is. I can’t take you getting hurt any more than you already are.”
The thought of Daddy and Connor talking makes me nervous. I’m worried that Sly has already had a “talk” with him and I’m sure that Daddy would certainly finish him off. He already warned Connor when they first met that if I was harmed in any way he would be met with serious consequences. Now, with the physical trauma and the utterly broken heart, there is no telling what Daddy will do or say to him.
“I’m so scared, Daddy. I don’t know what to do.” I look into his eyes. “This isn’t how things were supposed to go. I’m so confused right now. Part of me wants to hate him, but the other part still loves him.” And that’s the part that is hurting so bad. I feel the tears trying to break over the barrier of my eyes. God! When will I ever be able to stop crying? I can’t take it anymore!
The hospital door comes flying open and crashes against the wall.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sly yells.
Sly’s shirt is untucked, and he looks totally disheveled. His hair looks like he’s been running his fingers through it repeatedly. “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?” Sly runs up to my bedside, crouching beside Daddy. “First you keep everything from high school from me, and now you keep this? What the fuck?”
“Listen, son, I know you’re upset, but this isn’t going to do her any good.” Daddy places his hand on Sly’s shoulder. Again, I can’t understand why Daddy is being so calm about this situation. He seems to be the calmest out of all of us.
Sly stands up and paces the room, eventually stopping to stare out of the window. “John, I didn’t protect her back when we were kids, I didn’t protect her now.”
I try to move into more of a sitting position. Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I reach out to pull the pole holding my IV fluids closer. Daddy and Sly quickly turn their attention on me as I try to get out of bed.
“Baby, don’t get up. You need to rest.”
“Kara Lynae, keep your butt in that bed.”
The tears I had been battling dry up at them trying to tell me what to do. “I’m not made of glass! I can get up, damn it!” I wince at the pain in my ribs, but don’t let that stop me. “Listen, Sly. I’ve already told you why I never said anything back then, I’m not going to go over that again. It’s done. It’s over,” I say, taking baby steps over to him by the window. “And as for the Connor stuff…”
Sly grips my shoulders and leans down so we are face to face, interrupting me. “The Connor stuff? That’s what you’re calling this?” He waves his hand at my belly, and the look on his face makes my heart hurt. “You’re fucking pregnant, and all by yourself, and you can talk this calmly to me?”
Okay, now Sly is pissing me off. First he runs out of here after I wake up, then comes barreling back in, yelling at me for not telling him about the baby. If he had given me five minutes I would have told him. I am trying to wrap my mind around the situation myself. He’s acting like I’m a child that can’t take care of herself. I know he loves me and he wants to keep me from hurting, but what’s done is done. I can’t change the past, and I certainly can’t change the fact that I’m having Connor’s baby. And... All by myself? Really? I’m not by myself. Am I?
“I told you to calm down, son.” Daddy pulls Sly back. “If you are going to come in here and upset her more, you can just leave.”
“John, what is wrong with you?” Sly turns to look at Daddy incredulously. “Connor is a total piece of shit! If he comes near her again, I will kill him. I don’t even want him talking to her,” he growls.
Daddy wraps his arms around Sly’s shoulders. “I know you’re mad as hell at Connor right now, but that is no reason to start yelling and carrying on at Lynae. You weren’t there, I wasn’t there. Lynae is having a baby, and she doesn’t need to be stressed out more than she already is,” he says, guiding Sly to sit down on the couch next to my bed. “You’ve always been like a son to me, and you’ve protected her like she was your own sister. She needs you now more than ever, okay?”
Sly nods his head up and down, then reaches his hands out to pull me gently to him. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I just love you so much, and I can’t stand to see you hurting. You’ve been through more than any one person should ever have to go through in one lifetime.”
I let him pull me onto his lap. My ribs hurt like hell, but I allow Sly to wrap his arms around me and I lean my head on his shoulder. “I love you too. You have to let me work through things on my own. I don’t know if I can talk to Connor or not, but you have to let me make that decision.” And that is the honest truth. I really don’t know if I will ever be able to speak to Connor again, but I can’t let anyone make that choice for me. “I just don’t know what to do or how I’m going to do it.”
“Baby girl, you know that whatever you need, I will always be here for you. You are one of the most important people in my life.” Sly holds me tightly to his chest.
Daddy sits down beside Sly on the couch and places his hand on my back, rubbing up and down gently. “We need to let her get back in bed and get some rest,” he says to Sly. “I’m sure Kara Lynae is exhausted.”
Sly stands up with me in his arms and carefully places me back in bed. He pulls the blankets back up and tucks me in tightly. Leaning down, Sly rests his forehead on mine and closes his eyes. “I am so sorry, Lynae.”
“What are you sorry for?”
Letting out a deep sigh, Sly opens his eyes. “I’m sorry for everything,” he says before walking out, leaving Daddy and I alone again.
Daddy moves from the couch back to the chair beside my bed and takes my hand in his, looking at me with his head tilted to the side. “You are so strong. So brave. So much like your mother.”
“I miss her so much.” I squeeze his hand. “I could really use her advice right about now.” Momma always knew what to do. She could take any situation and tell you exactly what to do or say. I wish I had talked to her about everything back then, but I can’t change the past. Just like I can’t change the present. I can only hope I make the right decisions about my future.
Nodding his head, Daddy looks into my eyes. The eyes I share with Momma. “I know you’re confused right now. I know it feels like your world is falling apart. Your mother is up there watching over you. Don’t ever forget that. She isn’t going to let anything happen to you.” His other hand comes up to wipe away another tear that has fallen. Damn these tears. “I’m going to let you rest. I have some things I need to attend to.” He stands to leave.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, baby girl. Remember that. And remember that no matter what you decide to do, I’ll support your decisions.”
I smile up at Daddy. “I know.” I know he’ll be there for me. I just wish I knew what I wanted to do. My mind is telling me to do one thing, but my heart is calling out for him, begging my mind to forget about words thrown around so carelessly.
Daddy walks out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. I rest my head back on the pillow and close my eyes. I feel so tired. It has been an emotionally and physically draining day. God, I wish I could rewind time and change everything. But how far do I want to go back? Back to before the fight? Before Michelle and Gabbi dragged me out t
o Metro? Or eight years ago?
Chapter Five
Connor
John came by Tuesday morning. I’m honestly surprised he waited that long to come see me. I thought once he talked to her, he’d be banging down the door, guns blazing, but that isn’t how things went.
Knocking on the door woke me from my restless sleep. Banging, more like it. I looked at the clock and noticed it’s after nine in the morning. I’m surprised Wade didn’t get me up to go downstairs to work. I’m sure there's a backlog of tickets, since I didn’t do a damn thing yesterday.
I didn’t bother putting on pants, I didn’t really give a flying fuck who the hell it was. When I opened the door, I wished like hell I had gotten dressed. I’m not sure I really wanted to die in my underwear. It’s John Michaels standing on the other side, and he looked like he could commit murder. “Hi, Mr. Michaels” was all I could say. I mean, what do I say to him?
“Connor.” John nodded his head in acknowledgement as he passed by me to walk directly into the kitchen without an invitation. “We need to talk.”
Yeah, I was sure his version of “talk” was going to involve killing me and getting rid of the body. He’s a cop, he could get away with it without any trouble. I would accept whatever it was that he wanted to do or say to me. I deserved it. “Yes, sir.”
Leaning against the kitchen island, he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me. I didn’t know what he was thinking. Before I got a chance to try to tell him how unbelievably sorry I am for being a complete and total fuck up, he blew my mind with his next words.
“I know all about Kaitlin. I know about the accident.”
Standing there with my mouth hanging open, I’m sure I looked like an idiot. This was totally not what I had expected from John, and I really didn’t know why or how he knew about her.
