by Carnal, MJ
I look up at her. Her head is backlit by the sunlight. She looks as if she has a halo glowing around her beautiful face. She is my angel in the darkness. “I want to…” I trail off. I want to keep this moment frozen in time.
Lynae crawls onto my lap, her legs straddling my own. She cups my face in both of her hands and looks deep into my eyes. “You have seen all the broken and ugly parts of me. You know my deepest and most painful secret, yet you still love me. You need to let me in. I know you have things you're hiding too. Things you are ashamed of. Just know I will love you no matter what. Just let me in.” Her eyes are looking straight into my soul.
I will love you no matter what. Those words just came out of those perfect lips. Lynae is sitting here telling me she loves me. My heart beats hard against my chest. My breath catches. I have been waiting for her to tell me this for so long now, I almost can’t breathe. I know in this moment I need to tell her everything. I can’t hold back any longer. She is absolutely right. I know the deepest, darkest secret that she held onto for years. Knowing that secret didn’t change my love for her, it only made me love her all the more because of the strength that she had to survive it.
The only difference is, my secret is something to be ashamed of. It is something I had total control over, and I could have prevented it. She says she will still love me, but I know the truth. Lynae will leave me. I don’t deserve her in my life. And this feels like the most painful thing I have ever done. Losing Lynae will be more painful than losing Kaitlin. I know I won’t be able to survive that devastation.
Taking a deep breath, I prepare to tell her about what a sorry and selfish bastard I am.
“It’s all my fault that Kaitlin died.”
Lynae leans back away from me, but keeps her hands on my cheeks. “I know that there is no way you can be held responsible for whatever happened to Kaitlin.”
Pulling her hands down from my face, I hold them in my hands and bring them to my chest. I keep them locked tight within my grasp, just so I can savor the feeling of them in my hands for as long as I have her.
“Yes. It is my fault. I killed her.”
Chapter Twenty
Lynae
I don’t understand what I’m hearing. Connor told me Kaitlin died in a car accident. He even said he wasn’t driving. There's no way that he should feel responsible for killing her. Accidents happen. They are horrible and terrible things, but they happen. I glance down at our joined hands and then up to his eyes. They're brimming with tears. I want to take all his pain away.
I woke up to the sound of Connor yelling. I'd wanted to talk to him last night and this morning about us starting over and working on making this relationship something we could build back up, but he insisted we come back here and get settled so I could rest first. We were alone in the apartment when I went to lay down, so I'm not sure who it could be that Connor's arguing with. Worried it may be Sly coming over here to start another fight with Connor, I got up to check on things. The phone flew by my face and smashed against the wall by the door, startling me. Then I saw Connor cowered on the couch shaking.
He looked so pained and so alone that my heart broke for him. I wanted to reach out and fix whatever it is that's makes him so hurt. He sounded so broken. The pain in his voice ripped my heart out, and I couldn’t help but go to him to try to fix it. But he ran away from me. Just like I always do. I've let him push me away too many times in the past., It's what caused us to be in this situation in the first place, but I’m not going to let him shut me out anymore. I love this man. He needs to know that I love him, and that despite everything he has said to me and everything that's happened in the last few months, I am not going anywhere.
“Listen to me. There is no way that you killed Kaitlin. You said yourself that you weren’t driving. It isn’t your fault.”
Connor lets out a strangled groan. “It is my fucking fault.” A painful look crosses his face and he continues. “She was visiting me at school. She came to a party at one of the houses. Wade and I were getting shitfaced. Kaitlin wanted to see if she would be interested in enrolling there. She wanted to be close to me. Kept telling me that she missed me.”
I remember Marcus and Wade telling me a few times that he and Kaitlin were pretty close growing up. They were only about a year and a half apart in age.
“She didn’t really want to go to the party, I remember. But she wanted to hang out with us because it was her last night in town before she was driving back home. So she came with us. I'd had I don’t even know how many beers and this girl had been pawing at me all night, even blew me in the closet.”
I shudder thinking about Connor with another woman, but I try to keep my feelings about that in check. The zoned out look in his eyes tells me he isn’t really here right now; he’s back in that moment all those years ago. He has a past. He can’t change it and neither can I. I need to let him get this off his chest. He’s finally talking and letting me in.
“Kaitlin came up telling me that she wanted to go home, but I was headed upstairs to one of the bedrooms to finish what the chick and I had started earlier. I was thinking with my dick, not my head. I told her to fuck off and find her own ride home.” Connor’s voice cracks. “Besides, I was too drunk anyway. No way in hell I could have driven her. I don’t even remember what she said to me. I think I remember her giving me this little evil glare like she used to give me anytime I pissed her off, but I was too focused on getting upstairs to get off.”
Connor starts shaking, his hands release mine only to wrap around my waist as he buries his face into my neck. I feel tears start to leak from his eyes, dampening my shirt. I wrap my own arms around his shoulders and start rubbing up and down, trying to soothe him. I don’t say anything. I’m afraid if I do, he'll shut down. I feel that he needs to get this out. I need to let him tell this entire story without interruption. For some reason, I don’t think he's ever let it all out before. Just like I’ve kept things inside, he has kept this pain locked away deep inside.
“I woke up the next morning in a room I don’t remember going into with a blonde that I couldn’t even tell you her name. The first thing I thought was ‘Where the hell is Kaitlin?’ and I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. The place was trashed and I didn’t see her anywhere. I tried calling her phone, but got no answer. I figured she called Marcus to come pick her up. They were pretty close, and Marcus didn’t come to the party because he had to work. I went back to mine and Wade’s apartment, but she wasn’t there either. The cops came by about an hour later. There was an accident. Kaitlin had gotten in a car with this guy, Rob. He was one of the fraternity brothers of the house the party was being held at. He slammed the car in to a tree. He walked away with barely a scratch on him. She was killed instantly,” Connor croaks out around his tears, now freely flowing onto my neck and shirt.
“Mom and Dad told me to take care of her. They told me to watch after Kaitlin while she was visiting me. I failed. I let her go and now she’s gone. A fact that they never let me forget. They told me they wish I was the one that died that night. Sometimes I wish that were true.”
What? His parents told him that they wish he were dead? No! That is horrible! What kind of people can say that to their child? I understand they are hurting, that they lost one of their children. But seriously! Connor lost his sister that day too. He didn’t do anything wrong. It all comes back to me now. The only times Connor and I have fought were surrounding times he was upset about Kaitlin. The weekend of her birthday, and then the morning before the big fight he was looking at the box that holds all of his mementos of Kaitlin. All of his pain stems from feeling he is responsible when he’s not.
“Oh, Connor.” I squeeze him closer to me. I wish I could pull him inside me and make all of his pain go away.
Connor lifts his face away from my neck and looks at me with the most grief-stricken and hurt-filled eyes I've ever seen on him. “Baby, I swear to you that I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want her to die. I h
ate myself. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew as soon as I did, you would hate me too.” Connor closes his eyes briefly, then looks over my shoulder. “You’re gonna leave now. You deserve so much better than me.”
Taking my hands and pulling his gaze back to mine, I lock eyes with him. “Connor, listen to me.” He tries to pull his face away, but I don’t let him. “I can’t believe what you’ve been through. No child should have to be told the things you were told. You told me before that I didn’t do anything wrong. Well, I’m telling you the same thing now. Yes, you should have probably seen to Kaitlin instead of doing whatever it is that you did.” I pause, not really wanting to think about Connor being with another woman, but that was before me. I can’t change that and neither can he. “But you were young, drunk and stupid. Kaitlin made her own choices. She chose to leave with that guy.”
“But it was my responsibility to look out for her.”
“And she made her own decision. She should have known that he was intoxicated and shouldn’t have been driving, but she left with him anyway. You can’t change that. Your parents can’t change that. You didn’t do anything wrong!”
“You’re gonna leave.” Connor still has tears streaming down his face. He looks like a lost little boy. “I couldn’t protect Kaitlin, I couldn’t protect you. Look what I did to you.”
“Damn it, Connor! I’m not going anywhere!” I shout at him.
“Yes you are! You are going to run away! You always run away from me when I act like an ass! And I deserve you running away! As much as it kills me, you need to live your life without me. All I will do is poison it and end up hurting you and the baby!” Connor cries, ripping his face away from my hands again.
I push his shoulders back so he's pressed against the cement steps we are sitting on. I put one hand on the middle of his chest directly over his heart. “You know what, I’ve tried living without you. I’ve tried to get over you. And I’ve learned something these past few weeks. I’m done.”
Connor looks up at me with his mouth hanging open like he wants to say something.
“I can live without you,” I whisper. “I just don’t want to.” I lean down and press my lips to his. It’s a gentle and chaste kiss, but I pour every ounce of love I have into it.
Chapter Twenty-One
Connor
Lynae is still here. My sweetness is still here. She hasn’t run. And I believe her when she says she isn’t going to run. Her lips are on mine. This moment can’t be real. Telling her everything feels surreal. I thought for sure she would look at me with hate and disgust in her eyes. The same look I get every single fucking time I go back home. No, Lynae looked at me with pain and empathy in her eyes. She held me. She tried to comfort me. She's just here for me.
I keep my eyes open. I gaze into Lynae’s eyes and see so much love reflected back at me that it takes my breath away. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. I need to have her as close to me as she can get. When her lips pull away from mine, she breathes “I love you” across my own.
“I love you so fucking much, sweetness.” I pull her in for another kiss. “I need you. I know I should let you go, but I can’t. I need you too much.”
“Connor, I told you. I’m not going anywhere. I tried getting over you. It isn’t gonna happen.” She presses her forehead against mine. “I know you’re hurting. I want to be here for you if you’ll let me.”
I’ve never had anyone other than the guys stand by me. I can’t talk to them about this shit. It doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m disgracing Kaitlin by trying to find somewhere other than myself to lay the blame. Hearing Lynae tell me that I don’t hold any responsibility takes me back to my talk with John in the kitchen right after Lynae woke up. He told me I didn’t do anything wrong, and I wanted to believe him.
Having Lynae in my arms telling me she loves me and wants to live her life with me is more than I could have ever imagined would have come from having this conversation with her. I don’t want to think about this anymore. At least not right now. Right now, all I want to do is take her upstairs and show her how much I love her. I need to feel her skin against mine. I need to feel her heart beating against my chest. My heart doesn’t beat without hers to tell it how.
I move my hands under her so that I’m cupping her firm behind and stand with her in my grasp. She instinctively wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck.
“I need you, baby,” I whisper in her ear. I feel her shudder and I see goose bumps pebble her flesh. The time for talking is over.
“Yes.”
Without stopping to do or look at anything, I carry Lynae upstairs and straight back to my bedroom. I don’t even bother to shut any of the doors. I don’t have time to stop and think about anything other than showing my sweetness how much I love her and how much I need her.
Gently, I lay her down on the bed. I stand up and look down at this beautiful creature who's just told me she loves me. Her chest rises and falls rapidly and there's a gorgeous blush crossing over her chest. I take in the swell of her belly. That’s my child growing inside her. Our child. Falling to my knees, I lean over her and pull her by her legs so her bottom is resting on the edge of the bed.
“Connor.” My name comes out of her mouth on a breathless sigh. She is reaching her hand down trying to touch me.
I want to take my time with her. I don’t want to hurt the baby, but I know I can’t hold back today. I have to be inside her. I have to feel her. I slowly peel down those damn yoga pants that she always wears. The waistband is already rolled down below her belly. Once I have her pants off and thrown behind me on the floor, I start kissing up her left leg. Lynae’s skin is so soft. I could spend hours worshipping her.
Lynae starts wriggling in my grasp and sits up on the edge of the bed. “Please.”
I’m not going to make her ask twice. I place her foot back on the floor and quickly rip my shirt over my head and toss it behind me. I grip the hem of her cami and slowly push it up over her full breasts. Thank you, God, she isn’t wearing a bra. I have instant access to those bountiful mounds that I want to taste.
Standing up so I’m towering over her, I lean down and thrust my hands in her hair at the back of her neck and tip her head back. She gasps and her mouth falls open. I feel her tiny hands come up to either side of my hips as she starts tugging on my gym shorts.
Taking advantage of her open mouth, I crash my lips down on hers and delve inside with my tongue. She tastes sweet and perfect. She tastes like the home I’ve been searching for all my life. Lynae’s tongue meets mine stroke for stroke. She’s just as hungry for me as I am for her. I continue devouring her mouth as she eagerly pushes my shorts off my hips and they hit the floor.
I inhale a sharp breath when I feel tiny hands wrap around my cock, which feels like it could explode at any moment. Lynae pulls her mouth away from me and looks down to where her hands are stroking up and down my shaft. I feel my cock jerk as she licks her lips before she leans forward and traces the barbell of my apa with that devious tongue of hers. I want nothing more than to grab her hair and thrust deep into her hot mouth that I know feels so unbelievably good, but this needs to be about her. We need to take this slow. I want to make love to my sweetness, not fuck her.
“Baby.” I groan. Lynae’s mouth on my dick feels so good that it’s almost painful. Tugging on her hair, I pull her head way from me.
Lynae looks up and that look in her eye makes my heart feel like it could explode right out of my chest. “I love you, Connor. Let me love you.”
“I love you too, sweetness.” I lean forward and press a gentle kiss to her lips that are swollen from my attention. “Lay back. Let me love you.” Pressing lightly on her shoulders, I help Lynae lie back on the mattress once again. I quickly pull her panties off to expose her to me completely. She is so beautiful. I don’t think I will ever tire of looking at her perfection.
Crawling over her body, I settle myself over her carefully.
I don’t want to crush her or the baby, but I love the feeling of her warm body underneath me. Her hair is fanned out like a halo on the comforter and she's looking up at me with so much love and trust. As my hips nestle between her legs and my cock glides into her wet core, she wraps her legs around my waist, pulling me closer. I’m trying to hold back. I’m trying to take it slow, but her damn wiggling and moaning is making it hard.
Lynae’s fingernails drag down from my shoulders to my hips. “Please, Connor. I need you.”
I shift us further up the bed, so her head's resting on the pillow. “Lynae, I want you so bad. I don’t want to hurt the baby. Tell me this is okay.”
She nods her head and uses her feet to push my hips into her as she grinds her hot wet pussy up. I can’t help myself. I pull back slightly, then slowly push my rock hard cock into her wet heat. She wraps and squeezes me like a glove. Her body is so hot and tight. I know I won't last long. With slow and deep thrusts, I try to give her as much pleasure while maintaining as much control as I possibly can. I want nothing more than to bury myself balls deep and lose myself in the heaven that is her body.
“Oh, God!” she moans, clinging to me. I feel her hands grip my ass as she tries to pull me as close to her as she can. I’m trying to hold my weight up. “Harder, please! Harder!”
Still holding my weight up with my arms, I begin to grind harder and deeper. She feels even tighter than the first time I was inside her. I don’t think I’ll be able to last much longer, especially the way her pussy is squeezing my cock. I feel that all-familiar tingle starting at the base of my spine, and my balls feel like they could blow at any moment. I take one arm and reach between us to rub over her clit just the way I know she likes it. She’s so fucking wet.
Within seconds, Lynae is screaming out my name with her release and I follow quickly behind her. The walls of her pussy are milking me dry. It’s never felt this intense. Something feels different about this time. I feel like I’ve connected with Lynae on an entirely different level. After Lynae’s hot little body has squeezed the life out of me, and her body has calmed from the tremors of her orgasm, I roll onto my back, bringing her with me so she's resting on my chest. I’m so damn afraid of crushing her. She’s so tiny, and I'll kill myself if I do something to hurt the baby.
