“Sometimes they’re like…they make things too easy, and then you don’t deal with it. I mean, really deal with it,” he said.
“Just, you know. When things got a bit hard.”
“Yeah, I know,” Cole said. He pulled the textbook towards him and scanned the page, but he didn’t actually read through any problems. “I don’t think you would’ve needed them, though.”
“How would you know that?” she asked.
“Brady told me tonight how strong I was, and how I didn’t know it…”
“That’s because you are.”
“But even if I am, I know you’re stronger. You and Brady are both stronger.”
“I don’t think having to take pills makes you weak, Cole.”
“Do you think part of that is because you stayed? That nobody made you leave? I mean, you didn’t run away from what happened. You faced it.”
“I think you’re used to feeling like you screwed up somehow,” Eva answered, “and so you think you are some big screw-up. But it’s just different, Cole.” Eva tapped on the pill bottle—which was now back in Cole’s pocket.
“Don’t worry, that’s a pill bottle, I’m not just happy to see you.” He actually said that. For real. When he realized that he said it he tried to fix it. “I mean, I am happy to see you, it’s just that…”
“You kind of want a pill now, don’t you?” Eva stifled a laugh.
“Yep.”
“How long have you been taking them?”
“Since I was, I don’t know, thirteen?”
“Cole, thirteen?”
“That’s just when I started taking them. I’ve kind of felt the same way since that night.”
“And how’s that? How do you feel?”
Cole squirmed. Talking about anxiety usually gave him anxiety. He moved his hand towards his pocket, but Eva intercepted it. She held his hand in place to keep him from touching the bottle.
“How do you feel?” she asked again.
“I thought we were going to do math,” Cole said quietly.
“Math can wait.”
Cole took a deep breath, and it shook on its way out. It was how he remembered feeling when he was younger. “I guess it’s just this…unsettled feeling. Sometimes, I don’t think I can eat. I used to lose weight, now I just eat anyway. It’s like I’ve always got a gun to my head. Always like I’m getting chased, even when I can’t…when nothing’s there.”
“Always?”
“I got good at ignoring it, when it’s not bad. I just try to do things anyway,” Cole said. “It’s, like, my normal. I don’t know how to feel anyway else.”
Eva still had her hand on his. She squeezed it now, rubbing her thumb against the outside of his. Her subtle touch was calming in a way he wasn’t used to. He couldn’t tell her that.
“And when I have to, I take a pill. When it’s too much,” he said.
“I hate that you feel like that,” Eva said. “I didn’t know it was that bad.”
“It’s okay.” Cole, looked away. “It’s like you said, thinking I’m a screw-up all the time. I do it to myself.”
“I didn’t mean it that way.” Eva reached over, placed a hand on his cheek, and made him look at her again. “I just want you to go easy on yourself. You never want to think about the good you’ve done, always the bad.”
“I’ve gotten used to feeling like that, too,” he said quietly, almost breathing it out. “Of doing that.”
They stared at each other. Cole wanted to know what she was thinking. He spent too much time with his own thoughts. He knew them too well. He was breathing heavy. The house felt hot. She slipped her hand from his cheek.
“What are you thinking now?” she asked.
“You make me feel calm,” he said. “I should feel so nervous right now, but I don’t. Right this moment, I don’t.”
“Huh,” Eva said, “you can’t swallow me, you know that, right? I don’t come in pill form.”
Maybe she was trying to find her way out of the moment, but it didn’t really seem like she wanted to. That’s what he wanted to believe. There was only her and him, and there were no problems, there was no deal. There was just now.
“That sucks,” Cole said.
“This is the weirdest flirting,” Eva said. “We should just shut up.”
“And do what, if we shut up?” Cole asked.
“Shut up.” Eva leaned forward, eyes closed, her lips lined up with his. She drew closer. He could feel her breath against his lips, inches away…crack! Eva’s body jerked as the front window shattered. Cole put his arms around her, and felt around her back. “Eva!” He looked down at his shirt, to see if there was any blood. “Eva!”
Thump. A large rock landed against the floor and skipped to a stop just under the television.
“What the hell!” Eva ran over to the window from the dining room table.
She’s alive. Cole kept thinking that over and over. She’s alive.
“Cole!”
Ashley. Cole was trapped with him now, in the trailer, watching Ashley’s blood spray on the walls, the furniture. Watching Ashley’s body fall to the ground. Looking at the hole in the glass made by Scott’s bullet. Kneeling beside Ashley, holding his hand, watching him die.
“Cole!”
Eva’s voice sounded distant and hollow, as if calling his name from the far end of a tunnel. Cole pushed himself back into the present. He looked around the room. Deep breaths. Everything was spinning. In. Out. Five seconds. Seven seconds.
“Cole, come here!”
He could see the rock underneath the television. A rock, not a bullet. He followed the broken glass speckled across the floor up to Eva’s naked feet. He looked up to find her staring at him, her head tilted to one side.
“Wanna come here?” she asked. “Please?”
“Yeah, sorry.” Cole got up from the chair, trying not to look like his knees felt as weak as they did, and joined Eva at the broken window. They both looked out across the field around her house, to the few other houses in view, but they saw nothing.
“Who would’ve done that?” Eva asked, still looking back and forth. Without waiting for a response, she went out onto the front step.
Cole followed her. But whoever had thrown the stone was long gone. “People don’t do stuff like that and wait around.”
Eva hugged her arms against her stomach. It was cold out. “I guess you’re right.”
“Do you get that ever?” Cole asked. He was shaking, too, only not from the cold. “Kids wanting to mess with the sheriff?”
“He’s not—”
“I know, it just sounded better, for…you know.”
“No, people respect him, for the most part, unless your last name is McCabe,” Eva said. “Plus, everybody knows he’s at the clinic.”
Cole stopped looking for the perpetrator, and he looked at Eva instead. She was still scanning the area, her brow furrowed, her eyes fixed. He watched her jaw muscles clench and relax. He watched her breath escape, like she was exhaling smoke. Her lower lip shook from the chill. “Do you think Michael would’ve…”
“Mike?” Eva shook her head. “No, no I don’t think so.”
“You don’t sound too sure, and I’m not either. What if he came by and saw us, what if…” Cole felt like fainting.
Eva took a deep breath and then let it out, like a weight. “But throwing a rock through my window?”
“We just—”
“I know.” Eva took one last look and went back inside. She grabbed a broom and started sweeping up the glass.
Cole grabbed the dust pan and crouched at the pile Eva had made. She scooped it into the pan. Cole took it to the garbage and dumped it in. He handed her back the dust pan.
“Thanks,” Eva said.
Cole nodded, trying to smile.
“That probably shouldn’t have happened, back there,” Eva finally said. “That shouldn’t have happened.”
“Right, yeah, I was thinking that, too,” Cole said.
“Big mistake, right?”
“Right.” She gave him a quick hug. “Friends?”
“Friends.” But maybe not with Michael anymore, Cole thought.
“Why do we have to confirm our friendship on a daily basis, right?” Eva shook her head, smiling, then went to replace the broom. She leaned against the fridge and started fidgeting with the sweetgrass ring. She played with the sweetgrass ring like he played with his pill bottle.
“We were just seven,” she said.
Cole walked a step closer to her and leaned against the kitchen counter. She noticed she was playing with the ring, but didn’t take her fingertips off it. She was staring at a square of the kitchen’s vinyl flooring.
“I remember making that,” he said, hesitantly. He wasn’t trying to recapture the moment, but the memory was so clear right now, ready to bust out of him.
“Yeah?”
“I was sitting by Silk River, across the field. I found these, like, little blades. I had to chew them down a bit, too…”
“For my finger.”
“…for your finger, yeah. Anyway, I was sitting right by the river, and the current was, you know, it was fast, but not…so I was staring at the bank, just before the river, and the water was rushing past, and it looked for a second like I was moving, not the water.”
She tucked the ring back underneath her shirt, pushed herself off from the fridge, and walked over to him. She leaned against the counter across from him.
“And I remember thinking that I never wanted to leave. Because, we were getting married, so…”
“Of course.”
“…and then, when I was in the city, it was different. It was like, yeah, I’m gone now, but I always wanted to come back, I think. Just, on my own terms.”
“And you’re not back on your own terms.”
“No.” Cole started crying—from everything he’d been through over the last two weeks. From every moment, every struggle, every loss, every feeling of being home at exactly the worst time. Eva walked across the kitchen. She took his cheeks in her hands, and made him look at her. She kissed him on the cheek, tasting one of his tears. Then she just hugged him. Not a man-hug, not a more-than-friends, but something different, and Cole didn’t want to analyze it. He put his arms around her and hugged her back.
“It’ll be alright,” she whispered.
“Guys?”
Eva and Cole let go of each other, and found Brady standing in the doorway. He looked at the hole in Eva’s living room window. “What’s up with that? I’ll ask about that, not about the…you know…” he clasped his hands, referencing Eva and Cole hugging.
“Don’t ask,” Eva said, “about either thing.”
Cole busily wiped tears away from his cheeks. “What’re you doing here?”
“I tried to see my kókom again just now, and they still won’t let me in,” he said.
“And I still haven’t gotten a text from my dad,” Eva said.
“Cole, do you want to do something for me for once?” Brady said. He wasn’t kidding. No smile. No laugh. Deadly serious.
“Of course.” Cole knew where this was going. He knew where he planned to go, and knew that he’d now have company. And that’s how it should be.
“We need to get into that clinic.”
17
FIRESTARTER
COLE, EVA, AND BRADY POSITIONED THEMSELVES in a tree-covered area a short distance from the clinic’s front doors. They’d been watching Mark at the door for half an hour, and he hadn’t moved.
“He’s like some mutant that doesn’t have to pee or move or anything,” Brady said. “I think he was in that exact same position half an hour ago.”
“So what’s the plan?” Cole asked.
“Knock him out and get in there,” Eva said.
“He has a gun,” Cole said. “Maybe we should try something else first.”
Brady stood up, stepped outside their cover. “Why don’t we just try to get in first, the normal way?”
“But you just—” Cole started.
“Yes, I’m aware of that, my friend, but now there are three of us,” Brady said.
Eva and Cole exchanged a look, and then followed Brady. The three of them walked towards the clinic, and within moments they were standing in front of Mark. Brady and Eva stepped right up to him, but Cole slunk back. He knew he wasn’t Mark’s favourite person. After all, it was Cole’s presence that got Mark fired the first night Cole returned to Wounded Sky.
“—Oh-hi-Mark,” Brady said.
“Brady, back again,” Mark sighed, but he wasn’t looking at Brady. He was looking at Cole, who was trying to disappear while standing in plain sight.
“Do you have to piss or something, city?” Mark asked.
“Huh?” Cole instinctively looked down at his pants.
“You’re a weird little shit, you know that, right?” Mark said.
“Mark, can we just go inside for a second?” Eva asked.
Mark looked behind, into the clinic, as though he were considering it. “No way. I literally just told Brady he couldn’t come inside. What are you guys, stupid?”
“Stubborn.” Brady said as he took another step forward, closer to Mark. “Come on. I just want to see my kókom, that’s it. I haven’t seen her since…”
“What are you, trying to charm me now? You know I’m not a homo, right?” Mark said.
“You’d be lucky if he gave you the time of day,” Eva said.
Mark snorted out a laugh. “Yeah, okay.”
“Asshole,” Cole muttered.
“What was that?” Mark said.
“Why can’t you just let us in for a few minutes?” Cole asked. “What’s the big deal? They can’t be afraid of the flu spreading if all the patients are recovering.”
“Look,” Mark said, “I’m paid to keep people the hell out of the clinic. If there are times Brady can visit his kókom, or Eva can visit her dad, they’ll post it. Until they do that, sorry.”
“Why can’t he even text me?” Eva asked.
“Maybe his phone’s dead. What do I care?” Mark said.
“I haven’t seen her since Monday!” Brady shouted. “They won’t let anybody in anymore!”
“God, if you need somebody to look after you just go back to your folks,” Mark said.
“Screw you,” Brady said.
“What do you and Cole do at your place, anyway?” Mark asked, looking back and forth between them with a disgusted look on his face.
“You’re such a jerk,” Eva said, “in case you didn’t know.”
“Have a great night,” Mark said, “Bye.” He waved with his middle finger.
A minute later the trio was back in their spot.
“I don’t know why I thought that would go any different,” Brady was trying to calm himself for once, and not Cole.
“I mean, this doesn’t change anything,” Cole said. “We were always going to have to break in, right? Not ask nicely to be let in?”
“True,” Eva said.
“Okay, there’s no point waiting for what we know is going to happen,” Brady said, and just like that, both he and Eva were looking at Cole. “Time to do your thing, my friend.”
Cole looked the building over. He could see Mark at the front door and another guard by the door at the side of the building. The clinic was smaller than the research facility. Even though the guards weren’t patrolling, Cole couldn’t get in through a window or jump onto the roof without being seen. There wasn’t much Cole could think of doing short of just beating the shit out of Mark and going in through the front door. But, again, Mark had a gun. Cole stared at Mark, thinking.
“You’ve got some awesome, Ocean’s Eleven kind of idea, right?” Brady asked.
Cole didn’t answer. He was still watching Mark, who was alert but smoking a cigarette. Cole could see the ember light up orange when Mark sucked in every few seconds. Then, Cole noticed a garbage can by the front entrance. That was it. Jayne!
“Cole Har
per,” Brady said.
“This happens a lot,” Eva whispered to Brady.
“No kidding,” Brady said.
Jayne, I need you! Please! Cole kept repeating this over and over again, while Eva and Brady complained about Cole’s whole Space-Man act. Jayne, it won’t hurt you while I’m with you. I promise! Just for a moment.
“Cole!” Brady whisper-shouted.
Mark didn’t look in their direction. He was far too busy trying to blow smoke rings, but failing miserably.
“Yeah, sorry,” Cole said to Brady and Eva. “I have an idea, but—”
“You better not get me hurt, Coley.” Jayne appeared right beside Cole, lighting up the bush they were in.
“But…” Eva prompted.
“But nothing,” Cole said.
“Why does it feel, like, ten degrees warmer all of a sudden?” Brady asked.
“Maybe you’re having hot flashes,” Eva laughed.
“Ha-ha,” Brady said dryly.
“So do you actually have a plan, Cole?” Eva asked.
Cole stared at Jayne, but to his friends it looked like his eyes were trained on the clinic, on Mark. “I don’t think I need one,” Cole said.
“Are we going to wait for Mark to fall asleep or…?”
“No, Mark’s been throwing his butts into the garbage can.” Follow me, Jayney, please. “Have you seen that?”
“No,” Eva said.
“It’s on fire,” Cole said.
Brady shuffled forward and took a good look. “What? No it’s not.”
“Yeah, Coley, it’s not on fire,” Jayne said.
Cole rubbed one hand across his cheek, anxious and frustrated. “Yes it is, look. There’s a little fire in there and it’s going to get really big.”
“What’re you talking about?” Eva asked. “It’s totally not on fire.”
“I swear it is, or it’s catching fire,” Cole said directly to his invisible companion.
“Are you feeling okay, friend?” Brady asked.
Jayne shook her head, wide-eyed and confused.
Would you just go and set the can on fire, already!?
“Ooooooohhhhh,” Jayne nodded. She appeared in front of the garbage can.
“Just watch. There’s a bit of smoke now. Wait.”
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