by Jay Quinn
Without another word, he stepped to her, reaching out his long arms to hug her close. Maura felt his arms enfold her and she rested her head on his shoulder to breathe in his clean singular scent. “Oh my baby,” Maura said tearfully. “What am I going to do with you?”
Kai gave her an answering squeeze and then pushed her away gently to reach down to calm Heidi, who was anxiously jumping up on them. “This is Heidi,” he said simply as the dog calmed under his touch. “You’d better say hello or she’ll knock you down. She doesn’t like to be ignored.”
Maura cautiously offered the dog her hands to sniff before she too stroked her big head and said, “Well, hello Heidi. What kind of dog are you?”
“She’s a Weimaraner,” Kai told her proudly. “She’s got papers and everything. I got her when she was just a puppy, about two years ago.”
Heidi backed away from Maura’s touch and shook herself all over, ending with her head, which she then shook fiercely, making her beautiful long ears flap loudly. When she had finished this little display, she gave a low growl and then bounded, seemingly sideways into the hall and on into Kai’s bedroom. “She’s a good girl, Mom,” Kai said earnestly. “I promise you she won’t be any trouble. You have no idea how much I love that dog.”
“It’s no problem,” Maura said a bit doubtfully. It had been a long time since the last of Kai’s dogs, a Doberman named Mack, had passed away while Kai was studying at the Art Institute and living at home. She’d encouraged Kai’s love of dogs from the time he was a baby and Rhett had brought the yellow lab, Buddy, home for him as an unexpected gift. After Buddy had died at fifteen, Kai had been inconsolable and had begged until she relented and got him Mack.
“I’ll take care of her, Mom. You know I’m responsible with my dogs,” Kai assured her.
At that moment, Heidi bounded back to where they remained standing, with what was left of a stuffed animal in her mouth. The thing was eviscerated, nothing but the flimsy cloth of its shape suggesting that it had once been a sheep. Heidi nudged Maura with the remains of her toy and Maura tried to take it from her. Heidi’s response was to fiercely begin a game of tug of war with the thing. She was strong and nearly pulled Maura off balance. Maura let go of the toy and Heidi turned, lifted her stubbed tail proudly and marched with the toy back to Kai’s room.
“She likes you,” Kai assured his mom.
“I’m glad,” Maura said and gave him a smile. “When did you get in?”
Kai rubbed his head and shrugged eloquently. “Long enough ago to take a shower and feed and walk Heidi.” He looked around and said, “I wondered if I was in the right house. I really like what you’ve done in here, Mom.”
“Well, after you left, I thought the place needed changing out. A new start for the old house,” Maura said, pleased.
“Are these Cassina Cab chairs? You didn’t have these the last time I was home,” Kai said as he stepped backwards into the dining area of the great room and pulled one away from the table to inspect.
“Yes, they are,” Maura replied proudly. “I got a rather generous bonus last spring and I went a little wild.”
Kai looked around the open space of the large room. “I’ll say. It looks like Elle Décor blew up in here.”
“And what do you know about Elle Décor?” Maura teased.
“This friend of mine, Robin, Elle Décor is his bible. That and Met Home,” Kai told her.
“Yes, Robin,” Maura said evenly. “You’ve been living with him for over a year—I understand he’s a bit more than just a friend.”
Kai gave her a lazy grin in reply. “You’ve been talking to Dad.”
“Let’s just say I had some warning you were on the way,” Maura countered.
“What else did Dad fill you in on?” Kai asked cautiously.
“Enough that I have some questions for you and some things I need to get straight before I can just let you move back in and take up residence,” Maura said firmly.
Kai carefully slid the Cab chair back into its place at the table and nodded his head. “Why don’t I make a pot of coffee and we’ll talk. Unless you have to rush right back to the office?”
Maura looked at him and shook her head. She hugged him once more briefly before she made her way to her own bedroom. Along the way she told him, “I’ve taken the rest of the day off. I’m going to get out of these work clothes and into a pair of shorts and T-shirt then we can talk.”
“I’ll start the coffee. Can I still smoke in your house?” Kai asked hopefully.
“Yes, there’s an ashtray in the sink. Your father’s news yesterday made me want a cigarette after two years off them. You can smoke in the house today, but after that, you’ll have to go out on the back porch,” Maura told him firmly.
“That’s cool,” Kai agreed.
“Do me a favor and call your father to let him know you got here in one piece, will you?” Maura asked gently.
“He doesn’t give a shit, why should I?” Kai responded with some heat.
“He asked me to let him know, Kai.” Maura said firmly. “He cares a great deal about you and you know it.”
“Okay, whatever,” Kai said as he made his way past her to the kitchen.
“Thanks,” Maura said as she turned and closed her bedroom door behind her. As she walked toward her closet, she saw Heidi stretched out, lying on her back in the middle of her bed. She stepped up to the bed’s edge and lightly gave the dog’s breastbone a few gentle rubs and said, “Well, you’ve certainly made yourself at home, Miss Girl.” In response, the dog yawned hugely and rolled over on her side away from Maura. Ruefully, Maura shook her head as she slipped off her shoes, then opened the closet door.
She placed her shoes on the shoe rack and hung up her jacket, blouse and skirt. From another hanger, she took a fresh Calvin Klein T-shirt and slipped it over her head. From a stack of khaki shorts, she selected a clean pair and stepped into them. In her off-work outfit, she sighed in relaxation. For many years now, she had developed a uniform consisting of the T-shirts and khaki shorts. Whenever the T-shirts went on sale, she bought several and when she found the shorts, she did the same. With her blonde hair and trim figure, the colorless outfit suited her, but even more, it comforted her. Choosing what to wear was one hassle she could avoid by sticking to this simplicity. In the rare days when a cold snap settled over Broward County, she had heather-colored V-necked cashmere sweaters she ordered from Land’s End to keep her warm. Thus she dressed as she lived, simply and predictably.
As she dressed, she thought about Kai’s outfit. It too was a sort of uniform. He’d worn what she discouraged him from calling Guinea T’s since adolescence. And, invariably, he had on a pair of shorts. She remembered the onset of the cargo shorts trend. He’d taken his own funds, gone to the Gap and bought two of every color that suited him. It wouldn’t have surprised her to find he’d owned the pair he had on now since then. It struck her as funny how they shared such a casual regard for what they put on their backs. But then, they both had valued other things.
In a way, this similarity comforted her. To her eyes, Kai hadn’t changed, despite the brutal haircut. He seemed stable emotionally, as far as she could tell from their short interaction so far. There were no circles of fatigue under his eyes as the result of prolonged periods of sleeplessness. He wasn’t skinny as a rail, so he must be eating. Outwardly, he appeared okay. However, she thought as she closed the mirrored closet door and looked at herself for a moment, something was wrong or he wouldn’t have decided to come home. And what that something was she intended on finding out immediately.
Reflected in the mirror, she could still see Heidi comfortably stretched out on her bed. That would have to stop. It was an easy fix; she would just have to remember to keep her bedroom door closed. Not a hard adjustment to make if Kai intended to set up residence again. But that all remained to be seen. “Come on girl,” Maura said animatedly. “Off the bed!”
Heidi responded by furiously wagging the docked stump of
her tail against the mattress.
A sly smile stole over Maura’s lips as a memory came to her unbidden. “Cookie!” She said happily. “Good girl wants a cookie!”
Heidi responded by immediately standing and jumping off the bed. Like a fluid gray streak she moved, stopped at the closed bedroom door and looked back at Maura expectantly. Maura’s smile turned into a grin. Kids or dogs, it all came down to the same training. She’d used the same enticement with Buddy, then Mack. It pleased her that Kai had kept up with the same method of dog training once he’d had a puppy of his own.
She walked to her bedroom door and opened it. Heidi bolted out and turned the sharp left into the kitchen from Maura’s bedroom. Maura followed her and decided a cracker from the box of stale Triscuits she had would serve as the promised cookie as she followed the dog, remembering to close her door behind her.
Kai stood at the kitchen table, his back to her as he stared out the bay window with a cell phone at his ear. As he glanced over his shoulder at her, he began to speak. “Hey, Dad. Sorry for calling the house, I forgot your cell number. I just want to let you know I got to Mom’s safe and sound. My truck drinks gas. I had to stop to fill up four times. I didn’t get pulled or anything, just stayed in the flow. Everything’s good. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
That said, he dropped his arm and peered at the dial face on his cell phone as he shut it off and snapped it closed. He looked at his mom and shrugged.
“Thanks, Kai,” Maura said quietly as she fed Heidi her promised treat and put away the box of crackers. As Heidi chewed she laid down on the kitchen floor, quite at home. Kai sat down to the place he’d always claimed as his own at the table. Maura noted it was also the same spot as Matt had claimed. She busied herself by pulling two mugs from the cabinet and selecting two spoons from their drawer. With her free hand she opened the refrigerator to retrieve the carton of half-and-half from the door, then closed it with her hip. In the small kitchen, it was only two steps to the table. She set out the coffee things and glanced at the coffeemaker, hissing its way through its cycle. “Are you hungry?” she asked Kai.
“No thanks, I’m good,” he replied and kicked out her chair gently. “Sit down, don’t hover.”
Maura sat and watched him as he opened his box of Marlboro Lights and drew one out. “Can I bum one?” she asked.
Kai handed her the cigarette with a grin. “I should say no, since you quit, but what the hell, right?”
“Yeah, what the hell,” Maura answered and put the cigarette between her lips and leaned forward to accept a light from her son.
Kai lit a cigarette of his own and looked out the bay window, sighing as he exhaled a long stream of smoke. “It’s good to be home,” he said happily.
“It’s good to see you,” Maura said as she wrapped her fingers around his wrist and squeezed. “But we have to talk, Kai. What on earth made you drop everything and come home, and why didn’t you let me know you were coming?”
Kai gave her an open look and said simply, “I was afraid you’d say no, not to come. And Mom, I… , I had to get off the beach. It was closing in on me.”
Maura squeezed his wrist once more and let it go. She took a careful drag off her cigarette, welcoming its burning rush into her lungs and the slight dizziness that accompanied it. It gave her a moment to ask the first hard question. Finally, she looked at him and asked firmly, “Have you gone off your meds?”
Kai nodded wordlessly and flicked his cigarette into the ashtray they shared.
“When?” Maura asked angrily.
Kai lifted his chin defensively and answered, “Six months ago. I got into something I thought I could handle that was better, but I know I’ve fucked up, Mom.”
Maura willed herself into calmness then simply said, “Painkillers.”
Kai laughed harshly, and said “You better go on and tell me everything Dad’s told you. We can cut right to the chase.”
“Fair enough,” Maura said as she stood and walked to the counter at the coffeemaker’s beeping. Actually, she felt it would be easier to talk if she was doing something; then her urge to smack her son’s smirk off his face wouldn’t be so close to the forefront of her thoughts. Calmly, she began, “It seems you’ve been living with a boy named Robin, who was ‘good for you,’ was how your Dad put it,” she said as she returned to the table and filled her own mug, then Kai’s. “Then you started dating a girl named Linda, I think he said, who was stealing her patients’ pain medication. Evidently, she shared with you and then she got busted and put in jail. Now you’ve hurt Robin, you’re addicted to painkillers and your source is in jail. Sounds to me like you have fucked up. Do I have the gist of it?”
Kai took a package of Splenda from the sugar bowl on the table and carefully tore a square section out of the upper left hand corner before dumping the packet’s entire contents into his coffee. As he reached for the carton of half-and-half, he said quietly, “You pretty much have it all neatly wrapped up, except I’m not addicted to the painkillers. I’m not that stupid, Mom. You just don’t know about my plan to get it together.”
“You know how easy it would be to believe you,” Maura said sarcastically. “You’re a walking DSM-IV and PDR after all these years. You know more about medicating yourself than is probably good for you.”
Kai laughed and took another cigarette from his pack, then lit it with the one he had in his hand before stubbing the old one out. After exhaling a long stream of smoke, he said, “ Mom, I’ve been crazy my whole life. I know how to live with being me.”
“What made you start on the painkillers in the first place?” Maura demanded. “This poor Linda, she didn’t force it down your throat or stick a needle in your arm,” Maura said as her eyes strayed to look at the skin of Kai’s long arms. Relieved, she saw only the taunt stretch of clean flesh interrupted by the vertical razor scars from long ago. There were no tracks.
“I’ve never shot up, Mom. Give me some credit,” Kai told her as she looked back to his face.
“Well, thank God for that,” Maura sighed. “But why, Kai? Why did you start in the first place?”
Kai took a long hit off his cigarette, exhaled, and sipped his coffee. “Because it’s beautiful, Mom. Being buzzed on painkillers is what I imagine normal people must feel like when they’re happy. I can sleep. I’m not anxious and scared all the time. I feel like I have a million ideas and they’re all possible. For the first time in my life I don’t feel like I’m on one side of a wall and everyone else is on the other. Life is so easy when I’m high.” Kai said quietly. He took another sip of coffee and looked Maura in the eye. “You wanted to know why. I told you.” He said simply. “It made me feel comfortable for the first time in my life.”
Maura nodded and hung her head. She did understand. “Still, that’s no excuse for going off your psych meds. Why don’t you answer that question?”
“Because I don’t want to go into why I decided to quit. I needed a break, that’s why. I haven’t gone overboard on the painkillers, they’re just a sometimey thing. I don’t want to end up a junkie and I don’t want to go to jail,” Kai said evenly. “Besides, it’s insanely expensive and I can’t make enough money to keep it up and not end up losing everything. I already lost…” Kai said and abruptly stopped. “Mom, look. Take my word for it. This is me being real, okay? Besides the fact that Linda got popped, I’d decided to quit anyway. I’m going to see Dr. Roth and get back on the plain crazy meds and be as close to normal as I’ll ever be. I promise you that.”
“What have you lost?” Maura prodded. She had him in a vulnerable position and she needed to know everything.
“I lost Robin,” Kai said finally “I had to say goodbye so I could break it off clean and come home to start over.”
“Tell me about Robin,” Maura urged him.
Kai dropped his forehead in his hand and rubbed it between his fingers before rubbing his hair roughly under his palm and smoothing it back. “What time is it?” He asked.
> Maura glanced over her shoulder to the digital clock on the microwave. “It’s just before noon. Why?”
Kai stood in one fluid unfolding of his long frame. “I have to run to the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” he said as he stood and headed out of the kitchen.
“The question is still going to be here when you get back,” Maura said.
“Thanks for the warning,” Kai shot back from the dining room.
Maura sighed and stamped out what was left of her cigarette. She had to admit she was curious about this boy named Robin. To her knowledge, Kai had never sustained a relationship—with either a boy or a girl—for as long as a year. She had long ago dealt with the reality of Kai’s sexual fluidity. She had surprised him, in flagrante delecto, with another boy when he was fifteen and she’d come home from work early. That utterly embarrassing episode led to a long and frank conversation with Kai about his predilections then and there. She couldn’t get him to see how complicated life was with a sexual partner, nevermind the consequences of unwanted pregnancy or HIV. Worse, over the years she had really come to think he had no capacity to love anyone in the way she had loved his father in the past, and certainly not in the way she loved Matt now, in the present.
“It’s apples and oranges, Mom,” Kai had explained earnestly. “Sometimes you want an apple, sometimes you want an orange. It’s no big deal.” That was Kai’s point of view at fifteen and now after twelve years of various apples and oranges, he’d never shown any particular commitment to either. This Robin, however, had managed to hang on to her son’s affection for a year and he’d even admitted to feeling he’d “lost” something by leaving him. That alone made Robin interesting to her.
Searching her memory of Kai’s various relationships to which she’d been witness, all of them were attractive in their way. But Kai was very careful to keep her outside of and apart from his emotional attachments, or at least his sexual partners. He never encouraged them to become a part of the family. When she’d noted that a current favorite was no longer a topic of conversation, Kai had easily dismissed him or her without much explanation. Maura was convinced her son had never really been in love, but most generally only in lust. By nature, Kai was a loner, and Maura understood that.
