by Jay Quinn
Briefly, he took stock of the familiar contours of his body. Over the past two days, his stomach had visibly tightened as a result of his nausea and diarrhea. His smooth chest was broken into even planes. He had a broad-shouldered, rangy frame, naturally muscled and well defined for someone who did little more than expend energy with long walks and slight physical labor. His genitals were substantial enough to save him any concern in that department, for which he supposed he had to thank his father. Overall, he had his father’s body, made tall and kept slender by his mother’s metabolism, which was high enough to have kept her from the thickening common in other women her age.
As he reached to turn on the faucet on the sink, he caught a flash of his ribs descending from his pectoral muscles like long, broad fingers holding his torso. Kai had no spare flesh and that pleased him. He let the water run until it was hot, then he wet his face and smoothed shaving cream over it and his neck. As he shaved, he examined his reflection. As familiar as it was, it still seemed at times to belong to someone else. He caught sight of his gray eyes ringed on the outer rim of his iris with a circle of dark blue that mimicked the dark circles of fatigue under his eyes.
“I do look like death warmed over,” he thought as he finished shaving and eyed himself critically once more. He stared into the mirror vainly hoping to see himself as Robin saw him. Robin had loved to watch him shave. Many mornings Robin had sat on the closed lid of the commode and silently took in the sight of Kai before they’d shower together, sharing the head of the shower in turn, often bathing each other and washing each other’s hair. In the first few months, this had often led to sex, and later became a time of quiet tender ministration each for the other.
Kai remembered all this now, alone in the bathroom of his mother’s house. Again, he sighed and stepped over to the tub to turn on the shower and let the water get hot. Alone, he methodically washed himself before he stood under the shower head letting the water drum the top of his head and flow down over him comfortingly. The rush of water felt good as it soothed away his morning anxiety. Kai stood there until the water began to run cold.
At last, he toweled himself off and dressed quickly in his boxers and T-shirt. As he ran his fingers over his cropped hair and coaxed the longer bit on top into curls, he admitted to himself that he did feel better. The problem was that the space in his clearer mind felt as sharp and brittle as broken glass. There were too many memories there to plague him. There was a sense of emptiness that threatened to claim him. As tall and sturdy as his body looked in the mirror, his mind was not right and he knew it. It was working well enough for him to function, but any capacity for joy or happiness couldn’t be found there. He looked into his light eyes and knew the familiar ache that resided there wasn’t going to go away. Not today. It would still be some weeks before the meds worked their trick and the demons went to sleep.
Kai shook his head sadly, turned from the mirror and reached for the wall by the door to turn off the lights. The physical fact of him was ready for the day, but his mind was still far, far away.
Chapter Eleven
MAURA STILL attended All Saints Church regularly. She had been a parishioner there from the very beginning and stayed even after the beloved parish priest had moved on and the archdiocese had brought in another, very different priest to replace him. Still, the parish was a part of Maura’s life. Kai had attended school and after-school care there until he was finished with eighth grade. Thanks to Maura’s parents’ ongoing generosity Kai had attended the co-ed Catholic high school closest to them after that, but Maura continued attending mass at All Saints, along with Kai as long as he lived at home.
Kai noted Maura’s surprise when she found him waiting in the kitchen for her quick cup of coffee before they needed to leave for the eight a.m. mass, but he could tell she was pleased. They left Matt sleeping still at seven-forty and were in their usual pew by ten of eight. Kai followed his mother’s lead and knelt for a moment once they sat down, but he didn’t actually pray. Instead, he only searched for the comfort of long habit in the spacious sanctuary. It hadn’t changed in the time he was away; it was a rock of familiarity for him. And he did find comfort in that. He followed along with the lector for the morning’s readings and even took Communion, though it had been more than two years since he’d gone to confession or even to church, with the exceptions of the Christmas Eve masses he’d attended with his mother. He never went when he lived on the beach, only when he was home, at All Saints.
After mass, Maura and Kai waited for the priest and his attendants to reach the back of the church before leaving their pew. When they joined the throng leaving the mass, Maura touched him lightly on the shoulder to get his attention. When he looked down at her, she was smiling. “It’s good to have you back,” she said happily.
Kai looked around him at all the unfamiliar faces in the familiar place and said, “It’s good to be back. This place never changes, at least.”
Maura nodded as she reached in her purse for her car keys and said, “It has changed, though. So many of these people I don’t recognize, though I come every week. A whole new group is here now, running things. The people who have been here from the start, like you and I, are now few and far between. Churches are dynamic places, I guess.”
Kai strode alongside his mother to their spot at the far end of the parking lot, closest to the exit. Beside them, cars nosed their way into the flow of traffic coming in for the next mass, while the crowd from their mass was trying to leave. “The neighborhood has changed as well. You must be one of the last original owners in Sawgrass Estates,” Kai remarked.
Maura pressed the button on her key that automatically unlocked their doors as they reached the car and said, “There are a few others left, but most of the original owners sold out when the big real estate boom tripled the house values.” With that, she opened her car door and got inside as Kai did the same. Once they were in the car, she started the engine.
“Why didn’t you sell out and move somewhere nicer?” Kai asked her as she finally managed to steer the back end of the car past a family walking in the middle of the space behind her.
“I could have, I suppose,” Maura said as she headed for the exit. “But where would I have gone? I thought of those patio homes in Jacaranda and Plantation, but then I’d have had higher taxes and maintenance fees each month. I decided it was better to stay put and try to pay the place off. I’ve had fun fixing it up since you went back up to the Banks. But, you know, I’ve had a happy life in Sunrise. I just decided to stay.”
Kai nodded and held on to the arm rest by his side as his mother quickly broke out of the church’s exit and across three lanes of oncoming traffic to head back west to their neighborhood. “It’s not a place I imagine Matt wanting to live forever,” he said.
“Well, maybe you’re right,” Maura told him easily. “We’ll just have to wait and see. We’ve been staying at my place ever since we started seeing each other, so I suppose he’s comfortable enough.”
“Didn’t you guys ever talk about getting married?” Kai asked her.
“Not until recently, when I found out about the pregnancy,” Maura admitted. “Neither of us has a great track record when it comes to marriage. For the past couple of years, we had reached a sort of understanding and that was good enough. There seemed like plenty of time to wait before we started to think about marriage. Of course, now we have to think about it. Matt feels fully responsible for me and the baby.”
“So what are you going to do? You can’t get married in the church, can you?” Kai asked.
Maura shook her head. “You know we can’t. Your dad is still very much alive and we don’t have the time or patience it would take to get my marriage to him annulled. Besides, Matt’s not Catholic. A civil ceremony will be just fine this time around,” Maura said confidently.
“Don’t you ever feel guilty about being shacked up?” Kai asked her candidly. “I mean, the church and everything… don’t you ever feel guilty?�
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Maura put her left turn signal on and moved into the turning lane to head back into the neighborhood. “Not really. Don’t you ever feel guilty about shacking up with Robin?”
“It’s not the same thing, Mom,” Kai said and laughed. “We couldn’t exactly get married. Besides that, it’s different if you’re in your twenties, but you guys are middle-aged.”
“Oh, I know that,” Maura said as she managed the two quick turns that brought them home. “But it is the same in that you care for each other, you have sex. What’s so different, really? It doesn’t matter how old you are.
Kai didn’t really have an answer for that. Instead of responding, he simply sat as his mother pulled into the drive and turned off the car. When she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out, he followed her.
Heidi greeted them excitedly at the door. Matt called out a hello from the kitchen as Maura and Kai walked in to join him. “There’s fresh coffee for you holy people,” Matt teased from his spot at the table.
First Maura, then Matt claimed their mugs from earlier that morning and poured themselves a cup of coffee before joining Matt at the table. As they sat, Matt reached behind himself and lifted the window saying, “Kai, I know you must be dying for a cigarette about now. Instead of exiling you out back, why don’t you just smoke in here?”
“Wow, thanks!” Kai replied happily as he stood once more to retrieve his cigarettes and ashtray from on top of the refrigerator.
“So, how was church?” Matt asked him pointedly as he sat once more and got a cigarette lit.
Kai looked at him and said truthfully, “It was nice. It’s only when I go that I realize how much I’ve missed it.”
“It was nice having him back,” Maura added.
Matt nodded and leaned back in his chair. “It must be like going home to you guys, considering how long you’ve been parishioners.”
“Yeah, something like that,” Kai said. “It’s comforting. It just shows you some things never really change.”
“I guess I never looked at religion like that,” Matt said easily. “I wasn’t really brought up in church. We went on Christmas and Easter when I was a kid.”
“What religion were you brought up in?” Kai asked him.
“Episcopalian,” Matt replied then added, “Whiskey-palian. My parents believed the golf course was a spiritual place on Sunday mornings. They took Communion at the nineteenth hole. I guess that’s why I’m the way I am. I don’t give religion that much thought.”
“Yeah, but I know your heart’s good,” Maura told him with a warm smile. “It’s what you do that matters.”
“Like letting me smoke in the house,” Kai teased. “You’ve got a good heart, Matt.”
Matt laughed and stretched. “What time are you meeting Bill Kellogg to talk about his project?” he asked Kai.
“Eleven o’clock,” Kai said and glanced at his watch. “I need to leave here about ten-thirty or so, right Mom?”
Maura took a sip of her coffee thoughtfully before she replied, “If that early. He just lives over in Jacaranda Lakes. Fifteen minutes should give you enough time on a Sunday morning. You’ve been there once. Do you have directions to his house?”
Kai nodded and said, “Yeah, he gave them to me when we talked Friday morning. Is he partners with the same guy? I guess I’ll be meeting with him too.”
“I didn’t know Bill Kellogg was gay,” Matt interjected.
“Not a lot of people do,” Maura answered Matt first. “Bill has always been very discreet about his personal life. The only reason Kai knows is that he escorted me to a small Christmas get-together Bill hosted at his home a few years ago.” Maura then turned her attention to her son and said sadly, “No, Kai. Paul was a diabetic. He had a stroke, and died about a year ago. As far as I know, Bill is alone.”
“Jeez, I’m sorry to hear that,” Kai said sincerely. “He seemed like a nice guy.”
“How long were they together?” Matt asked.
“Nearly thirty years,” Maura told him. “Bill was pretty torn up for awhile. You see, Paul lived for about six weeks after his stroke. Bill looked after him at home until he died.”
“And not a word got around,” Matt mused quietly. “I saw Bill not too long ago; he didn’t say anything to let on about what he’d been through.”
“Well, like I said, he was always very discreet,” Maura answered crisply. “Things weren’t always as open as they are now. I suppose Bill thought his relationship with Paul would have held him back professionally if it was common knowledge.”
“Thirty years ago, you’d be right,” Matt said thoughtfully.
“It depends on where you are,” Kai said quietly. “Some places haven’t changed. I caught a lot of shit about Robin back up on the beach.”
“I imagine you did,” Matt said sympathetically. “But down here, it’s not a big deal anymore.”
Kai shrugged and stubbed out his cigarette without answering.
“Robin is coming down for Thanksgiving,” Maura told Matt brightly.
Matt caught Kai’s momentary look of dismay as Kai shot his mother a glance. “That’s great,” he said heartily. “I look forward to meeting your friend,” he said to Kai.
Kai gave him a searching look before he replied, “I’m looking forward to it too.”
“Has Robin ever been to Fort Lauderdale before?” Matt asked him gently.
“Um… no,” Kai said uneasily. “This’ll be his first trip down and meeting Mom and everything.”
Matt leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table saying, “Well, you know he’s welcome. We’ll have to make sure he has a nice time. How long is he going to be staying?”
Kai lit another cigarette before he answered, “He’s flying down on the Sunday before and leaving the day after Thanksgiving. He has some people coming to the beach for the holiday that want to look at houses, so he has to get back.”
“Still, he’ll have five days down here. That’s plenty of time for you to show him around. I’ll plan on taking us all out to dinner one night while he’s here,” Matt offered.
Kai looked at him and smiled. “That would be great, thanks.”
“No problem,” Matt told him, and glanced at Maura, who returned his look with a grateful smile.
“Who feels like some breakfast? I could cook,” Maura asked.
“Or I could go for bagels,” Kai offered. At the moment, he wanted to flee the kitchen. Matt had made it a point to let him know he had no problem with Robin and Kai appreciated it, but he didn’t want to talk about his relationship with Robin anymore. Enough had been communicated already.
“Either way, I’m happy,” Matt said expansively.
“Bagels sound great,” Maura told Kai with relief in her voice. “The deli by Publix is still open, so you won’t have to go far.”
“Sesame? Plain? What?” Kai asked.
Both Maura and Matt exclaimed, “Sesame!”
“Done,” Kai said and stood. “I’ll be right back.”
“Drive safely,” Maura cautioned him. Kai didn’t answer, but the sound of the front door opening and closing punctuated his departure. Maura looked at Matt and smiled. “He seems better today, doesn’t he?”
Matt nodded and returned her smile. “You think it’s the medicine kicking in?”
Maura sighed and said, “It’s a little too soon for that. It takes up to six weeks for the meds to really have a full effect. I think he’s just moving out of this depressive cycle with his usual speed. He cycles very quickly. He always has, but as bad as the depression was these last few days, I was concerned it would take him a while to get better.”
“What happens next?” Matt asked.
Maura shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m going to be watching him to see if he gets too happy and self-confident. If he does, it just means he’s ricocheted off the bottom and will be heading back for another full-blown manic episode.”
“Christ, how do you stand it? It’s like living with a Jack in the
Box. I mean, you have to wonder how many turns of the crank it’ll take before the clown jumps out of the box,” Matt asked seriously.
Maura laughed. “Oh it’s not all that bad. It’s worse for him. It has to be exhausting having your head jerk you around like that. God, you have no idea. When he was little, he could cycle four times in a day. It makes me tired just to think about it.”
Matt leaned back in his chair and stretched his legs out under the table. “We’re going to have to think about what we’re going to do with him, Maura,” he said calmly.
“What do you mean?” she asked, feeling suddenly defensive.
“Look, I have no problem with him being here in the short term,” Matt began cautiously. “But we have a baby to get ready for. I want to paint that bedroom and get new carpet put in.”
“Matt, the baby’s not going to be here for another seven months,” Maura interrupted.
Matt held up his hands to block her sudden exasperation. “I know that, sweetheart. But those seven months also need to be filled with calm and peace for you. Besides, Kai’s a grown man. He needs his own space. With his boyfriend coming down here and everything, I don’t know. It’s just a little awkward.”
Maura nodded and stood. She walked to the kitchen sink and poured out what was left of her coffee and rinsed her mug. Forcing herself to sound casual and nonconfrontational, she said, “Do you have any suggestions?”
As she turned and took a glass from the cabinet, then reached into the refrigerator to pull out the gallon jug of milk, Matt said, “Actually, I do. Tell me, do you think Kai is stable enough to live on his own? I mean, he won’t harm himself or anything, right?”
